Ingredients: Seifer x Squall (starts as shonen-ai may proceed to june or commonly called Yaoi), OOC, AU, WAFF, retarded humor, with a dash of angst. Mix in some sci-fi fantasy themes and totally improbable events, stir well then serve.
Summary: Enter a world where Seifer is an aloof workaholic in need of a maid. When all of his friends get the brilliant idea of getting him one, he flips out on whom they choose!
Authorís Notes: Gee, the story is hardly moving along. Hopefully, this chapter will get things a going. The humanoid thing is far-fetched but hey, I did say it this story is AU. Iíll give the references and dedications later... errrr, yeah. What is THIS, a term paper in need of a work citation page >_<;; ?!
Disclaimer: Oops, forgot to add one. Um, hopefully you know that I donít own Squaresoft or their characters. If you donít then... Seifer and Squall REALLY are lovers and theyíre living together with 20 cats in a cute little beige cottage with lacey curtains. There, thatís the truth. Well, except for the part about the cottage ^_~
*** Thankees for the comments Nakiko and Zachere~! They meant lots ^-^***
Chapter Two - Seifer STILL needs a life and an attitude change but now he has a maid
tip tap tip tap tip tap tap tap tap...
My eyes hurt. I need to get a new pair of glasses. Before that, I need to get away from this tedious work.
Moving away from the horrendous pile of paper, I stroll into the kitchen. Itís a bit cleaner than usual. I guess Quistis, the neat freak, did her stuff last night.
Heh, I remember Selphie banging on my bathroom door, demanding I come out of hiding. She wanted to see me dance to one of her favorite DDR songs*.
I do feel a bit guilty, not hanging out with them. I just feel more comfortable by myself. Itís not really social anxiety... is it?
My stomach growls at me. Itís nearly lunchtime. I head to my fridge for a carton of milk when...
Knock knock knock...
Someone, other than my overly caring friends, is paying me a visit. That is, unless they forgot the keys to my place. Why did they even think of making a copy of my keys?!
Wait, Iím coming. When it seems my visitor has given up for departure, I open the door. A delivery man. Great, that dumb gift has arrived. He gives me nod and hands me a clipboard.
"Mr. Almasy, I presume?" he asks rather nervously.
"Yes, you guessed correctly. How may I help you today?" I try to be polite. Sooner I get you away, the sooner I can trash this gift and get back to work.
"Special delivery for you, sir. Sign here, thank you. Now if youíll excuse me, I have to wheel in the package." Grunting, he pushes in a rather large crate.
"You can leave it here, in the hallway. I can take care of it, thank you very much. Have a nice day." I mutter then shove him and his clipboard out of my apartment.
I do not have the time to deal with this. Yet I do need a break. This package will certainly make a "pleasant" distraction. Glaring at the box, I wonder just what it is?
Curiosity takes me as I circle around it. Itís a little shorter than the door, but not as wide. How about opening it, genius?
Taking the crowbar by my coffee table that Quistis had brandished at Zell weeks ago, I open the crate. A flock of Teflon peanuts fly through the air. Green; white poofs cling to my blonde bangs.
Lovely. Now what? I tear apart the wooden planks of the crate and push aside the peanuts. A metallic plate shines through the mounds of foam it was packed in. Brushing off more of the protective material, I realize the whole thing is a metallic cylinder.
Who was this from again? I look at the mailing address. Hmmm, L & L Lab Corporations, sounds familiar. I sweep the peanuts away from the cylinder and move the planks aside too.
I gently tap the side of it. Itís definitely solid. Suddenly, a robotic voice greets me. I move back in surprise at the glowing screen that appeared.
"Thank you for purchasing Model A117 Paradox Bleu from L & L Lab Corporations. We at L & L Lab corporations, hope you will be satisfied with your purchase. It was customized to provide you comfort. Please consult the Ownerís manual for any questions and problems you may have. Thank you once again and have a wonderful time with your new friend."
FRIEND!? Waittaminute... L & L Lab Corporation? Isnít that Loverly and Lucky Lab Corporation?! My stupid friends got me a stupid doll?
Before I can hurl it out the door, the cylinder cracks open the reveal a glass chamber. Ice covers the inside of the tank.
"One moment please. Your companion shall awaken in T-minus... 10... 9 ... 8 ... 7... 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2... DING... 1~! Enjoy your friend." the automated voice chimes. It sounds awfully like Selphie. I dread this moment.
I have done nothing to stop it. Now I shall have to face the wrath of a disgustingly sweet, pretty-faced, empty-headed dolly. Wonderful... when I see my friends later, I will throttle each and every one of them.
The ice chamber opens like an elevator door to reveal a fully clothed humanoid. It pins me with an equally icy gaze. Frowning, it steps out of its tomblike package.
With disinterest lingering in its eyes, the humanoid decides to check out its new environment. I sneak and few glances at it.
It has weird clothes for a humanoid. A leather bomber jacket with fur lining, thatís Quistisí touch. Leather pants with multiple belts would be Irvineís style. The disheveled-I-just-got-out-of-bed auburn hair would have to be Zellís choice. While the pale Goth-boy complexion and cruel icy blues would be Selphieís "hottie of the month" look. Itís a potpourri of looks from my friends, just great.
I donít like it one bit.
It turns to stare at me again. Yawning, the humanoid brushes strands of hair away from its face. Itís awfully pretty but why isnít it sweet-talking yet? Not that itís a bad thing that itís quiet.
Finally, it breaks the silence.
It seems more male, than female so Iíll call it a "he" just for the hell of it. After uttering one inane word, he plops himself down on the couch. Giving me one last glare, he succumbs to a deep sleep.
I donít like humanoids and I surely do not like this one. Angrily, I pick up my phone and call Selphie.
brrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeee... brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeee... click~!
"Hiyaaah~! Timilt-Kinneas residence, Selphie speaking!"
Ow, my ear.
"Selphie..." I grit out, "WHY did you guys buy me a humanoid? You KNOW I hate these things!"
"Oh... I thought you hated something else, L & Lís Hammurabi Puppies or something like that." She sounded rather hurt. "We thought you would like this gift. We all pitched in money and our love and we all felt it would be the bestest gift and... sniff wh..why are you so MEAN?"
"Selphie, your guilt trip wonít work on me THIS time."
The sniffling stops. A brief silence follows.
"Oh darn. Well, it was worth a try~!" she giggled.
"Yeah, yeah you almost had me, you little rodent," I mutter.
"Heehee... yah, thatís meeee! Selphie the widdle rodent. Anyway, I threw away the receipt Ďcause I figured you would love him or something. Guess I figured wrong, huh?" she laughed nervously.
"Indeed." There are laws against terminating Humanoids. Which I find rather weird and at the moment, annoying.
If society lets science kill them off, why canít owners trash their humanoids too?! Shitty** double standards. The humanoid stirs from his sleep.
"Iíll be over there soon okie dokie? I just gotta walk Martine first. See yah later, Seifer."
"Iím not finished with you yet, rodent," I grumble. The humanoid is reclining rather casually. After giving me a quick look, he turns his attention to the pigeons by my window.
"Damn that silly rat," I mutter. Heís still staring, but not at the pigeons. His blue eyes are looking at me.
"...What is so awful about me?" he asks.
"Thanks for being specific." He gives me a wry smile before lying back down on my couch. I hope he falls off and snaps an important circuit or something.
"Well, do you want me to list out the grievances I have against you?" I mutter, entering the kitchen to quiet down my persistent stomach.
Shut up, Iíll feed you soon.
"Sure, why not? I need someone to babble incessantly about how horrible I am."
"Tch, like Iíd actually waste saliva complaining about you? Go play in traffic."
He laughs at that one. Itís interesting to see these Humanoids function and move like real humans. I guess thatís why the word "human" is a part of the word "humanoid."
I still donít like him.
"I figured you would be some ice queen judging by the way you glared at me, but now, youíve melted." My voice is a bit muffled as I search for some cold cuts in the fridge.
"Ice queen? Yeah, Iím certainly that most of the time, but why put you out of a job? I heard my new master was going to be quite a square. I guess the authorities were right." I turn around to see him poke at the stale bagel on the coffee table.
"I should be insulted." My stomach continues to growl at me.
"Score one for me. Now if you donít mind, I'm going back to sleep." He yawns for the umpteenth time.
"I do mind, now get off my couch. Arenít you supposed to be somewhat useful?" I snap at him. He doesnít look the least bit sorry or upset. Just tired and frustrated with my intense dislike of him.
"Youíre right. I should get up and clean," the humanoid gets off the couch. "But I donít particularly feel like it at the moment. So shove it."
I feel a vein popping in my forehead. If it werenít for the growing pain in my stomach, that humanoid would be thrown so fast out of the window that he...
"Hi hi~! Iím hereeee~!" Selphie grins. Her dog, Martine, scampers in getting mud all over my carpet. Itís true; dogs do resemble their masters.
"Selphie. Itís been about an hour since he woke up and I still donít like him. Are you SURE I canít return it?" I growl at her. My stomach growls at me.
"Initially you may not like him, but soon he will grow on you and love shall blossom~!" she smiles. Yaoi freak. She spends way too much time and money on that stupid fetish.
I turn to stare at the humanoid. He will never love me? Thank goodness.
"EH? Why wonít you love your new master?" Selphie cries. Sheís disappointed.
"He doesnít have the slightest interest in me. Besides, caring for people is stupid. Last person I cared for died."
That struck a cord. He had someone die on him, too?
Her smile flashes in my head. The memory sends jolts down my spine. I miss her.
"Caring is GOOD! How can you be so cold?"
"Easily, now back off. I feel like cleaning now." He goes about messing up the neat piles of magazines Quistis had stacked up last night.
"Geez, heís perfect for you," she grumbles, pushing a strand of hair from her face. Martine sits by my feet wagging his tail.
"Not really," I say. Giving up on my search for cold cuts, I grab the leftover take-out Irvine brought over last night.
Martine toddles off to sniff the humanoid. I stifle a laugh as the humanoid smacks the dog. Selphie then proceeds to smack the humanoid.
"Bad, Squall, BAD!" she growls. "Heís just as bad as you, Seifer!"
Squall? It is an appropriate name for the humanoid. I would have named him Squabble or Snowbrat.
While heating up the food, I hear Squabble yanking Martineís tail in wonder and Selphie squawking at him.
I hate to admit this, but he is growing on me.
~ To be continued ~
*NOTE: DDR is Dance Dance Revolution~! Ever play that game? It's mad fun but mad hard (if you're uncoordinated like moi). I think Selphie would like the song Butterfly or Boom Boom Dollar. AHAHAHAHHHA, can you imagine Seifer dancing to THAT?!
** YEEP! He cussed. Woooo. Hope that didnít bother anyone. In the fic, I see Seifer as a potty mouth ^_^;;
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