Ingredients: Seifer x Squall (starts as shonen-ai may proceed to june or commonly called Yaoi), OOC, AU, WAFF, retarded humor, with a dash of angst. Mix in some sci-fi fantasy themes and totally improbable events, stir well then serve.
Summary: Enter a world where Seifer is an aloof workaholic in need of a maid. When all of his friends get the brilliant idea of getting him one, he flips out on whom they choose!
Authorís Notes: No action just yet... quite a tame, stupid chapter but it sets up the story. The whole thing is alternate universe and set in a world much like ours. Hope you like it ^-^
Chapter One - Seifer needs a life, a maid, and an attitude change
tip tap tip tap tip tap tip tap tip tap tip tap...
Dammit. My typewriter is jammed yet again. With an unsteady hand, I fumble through my coat for a cigarette. DAMMIT again. My only pack is hidden somewhere in this room. If only I cleaned my apartment more.
Then again, naahh... this mess is what makes me, me. I get up from my cluttered desk to stretch for a bit. The typing can wait. Itís been five years since sheís died. I donít think Iíll ever get over it.
The moon stains my couch a pale blue. The color resembles her eyes. Where are my cigarettes? I could sure use one now.
Great. Itís probably them. They want to check on me like they usually do. Why canít they get off my back? I just donít want to let anyone in my heart again. Itís such a disgusting romantic concept, but hell itís true.
clunk clunk clunk
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY~! Seiferrrrrr!!! How are yah?" a squeaky little brunette stomped into the room with muddy, black boots.
"...Selphie, how many times must I remind you to TAKE off your shoes when entering my home," I gritted out.
"Donít be sucha butt monkey, Seifer." Selphie giggled. I rolled my eyes at her before returning to my desk.
"Yeah, yeah. Thatís me. Seifer the butt monkey," I drawled out. Where were the others? Before I could ask, Selphie opened her big mouth and answered.
"Quistis is late Ďcause sheís gotta babysit Zell. Zell broke his leg in his usual extreme sports challenges. Irvine is still at work but heíll be here soon. As for me, Iím here to entertain you till our buddies arrive~!" Selphie beamed. Gods, this girl could make the sunshine look dull.
"Entertain? You could entertain me with the notion that youíll leave." I smirked. She parried right back with a cheeky grin and a kick to my shin. Ow.
"There. Now letís go play the game Zell lent me~!" she chimed happily, skipping out of the room. Grumbling, I rub my sore shin.
I quietly enter my living room. Selphie is busy setting up my Playstation that Raijin had given me last Christmas. I notice sheís got the game Zell was raving about weeks ago.
"Dance Dance Revolution? Now that Zellís got a broken leg, the poor fellow canít play. Iíll have to laugh at him later." I give a rare half-smile.
Selphie gives me one of her serious faces, but they donít last too long. In less than a second, sheís a giggling mess.
"Meanie!" Selphie laughs as she continues to hook up the necessary wires for the gaming pad.
A ginger haired metro-cowboy flashes us a smile as he enters.
"Hey, babydoll," he says, with an arm full of take-out. Why didn't Selphie lock my door? I hate when she does that. She just lets in more roaches, I mean friends.
"IRVINNNNNE~!" Selphie charges and tackles him.
"Oofff.. nice to see you, too," Irvine laughs. "Now, could you get off of me, please? I think the duck sauce is starting to leak on me."
"Tee hee. Want me to lick it off?" she preens cutely. Oh god. I hate it when they get all lovey dovey. She should get spayed, he should get neutered. They're always in heat.
"Nah, Seifer's watching. Jealous?" he asks. Hell, no.
"Bored." I mutter, "Can't you do anything original anymore? Or will it be the usual sex kitten on my lap routine? I get off more from watching the Discovery Channel."
"Hahahahah, so you like animal mating over porno?" Selphie snorted.
"Hmph, you guys do both." I smirk. Irvine gently shoves Selphie off. She rolls on the floor in a rush of giggles. Irvine sighs at his loverís usual fit of laughter.
"Hey, Selphie. I just placed in the order. It should be arriving soon," he says, while helping her up.
"REALLY?! YAAAAAAY! I can't WAIT to see it! Which model did you order?" she jumps up and flails her arms in excitement.
"You know which one I ordered, silly. It was the one we all decided upon," Irvine murmurs mysteriously.
What the hell did they all order? When it was just those two talking, I figured it was some kinky sex fiend toy. Now that they mentioned the whole squad, I am rather worried. It just might be something for me.
Now, that might sound a teeny bit selfish. How can somebody automatically assume that their friends have bought YET another stupid gift?
Well, obviously I can. My whole apartment is littered with gifts that my friends hope will assuage my loneliness and pig sty.
Vacuum cleaners, gaming systems, pornoes, animal simulations, a smoothie maker, a sandwich press, at least twenty irons, and MORE. You name it... I probably have it. I should open up a department store with all the crap they gave me.
I see the mirth in their eyes and shudder. Yep, I am probably right. Itís definitely another stupid, "thoughtful" gift.
stomp stomp stomp THUD.
"OWWWWWW~!" a spiky, fanged blonde is all disheveled on my floor. His mistress stands behind him, rolling her eyes.
"Stop fooling around, Dincht," she mutters. Down to her last bit of patience, Quistis nudges Zell off of the ground.
"Please be gentle, mommy." Zell snickers. Smiling deviously, Quistis drops the sorry boy back to the ground. "OWWWW! That hurt."
"Stop being sucha butt monkey, Zell!" Selphie admonished the smarting invalid.
"I thought I was the butt monkey?" I muttered. Hopefully, I could retreat into the bathroom and claim I had the runs. Then I could just sit and soak in the bathtub till they leave.
"You are! But we have two butt monkeys!" she smiled, pinching my cheek.
Sighing, Quistis ran a hand through her flaxen hair. She unceremoniously, flopped down onto the near by couch.
"What a day! Zell would NOT stop complaining about EVERY little thing," she muttered. Irvine handed her a cup of tea, which she accepted gratefully.
"HEY! I only complain because I NEED to complain. How else would you know how Iím feeling if I donít voice it?!" Zell grumbled while plopped beside her.
They continued to argue. Meanwhile, Selphie and Irvine were lining up the take-out containers at the kitchen counter.
Nowís my time to escape to the bathroom. Before I make my mad dash, something stops me.
Some stupid TV ad with a catchy tune.
"Need companionship? Need a maid? Need someone who wonít talk back? Need someone who will listen? Then call us at Loverly Lucky, where weíll get you together with your match in household chores and heartbreaking loneliness~!"
On the screen, life-like dolls with pretty faces are shown sweeping up dust and prancing around gleefully. How can our government allow such things to exist?
Years ago, humanoids were developed. It sounds all hokey and sci-fi induced but itís true. First they were used for scientific testing in place of animals, after being approved by the Supreme Court. Next they moved onto the consumer level.
Initially, only the extremely wealthy people could afford them. Now, they are everywhere. Cheap, efficient, obedient dolls. I hate them.
In the background, I hear the soft laughter of my friends. Probably, talking about the usual sitcoms they watch.
I should go back and join them but if I do, all Iíll do is just sit there and do nothing. Better to just soak in bath oils, then resume my work.
Tomorrow is another day.
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