Heartbreak and Second Love

Chapter 1 - Reservations and Realizations

By Redrum

"Squall, come on! Were going to be late if you don't hurry up!" Zell and I were going to a fancy restaurant to get together with Seifer and Rinoa. He was already angry about seeing Seifer, but his eagerness to see Rinoa was out weighing his usual frustration over Seifer.

We were walking to the restaurant, since it was so close, but the street was unfamiliar to me. Well.. everything is unfamiliar to me now that I can't see. I can only see shifts of light and dark. But I can't make out any figures. Anyway, at the moment we were several minutes late since I was 'holding him up' as Zell said. But in all reality, I had no idea where I was at the moment. Since Zell wasn't talking much and I couldn't hear his footsteps clearly (he was probably way ahead of me by now). I hated to ask for help though. I hate the feeling of helplessness I get from not being able to see what's ahead or behind me. Zell didn't seem to understand how hard it was for me, a perfect soldier, to not be able to see. Sure I've learned to use my ears, but I never knew how much I relied on my sight for everyday things.

"Fuck. Were fifteen minutes late." I hear Zell's shoes click against the hard cement as he walks towards me. I try not to start when he grabs my arm and pulls me forward. I haven't really gotten used to sudden movement since I can't see them before they do it. And I don't always now who it is, so that sometimes scares me.

Zell pushes me through what must be an automatic door. The muffles sounds of silverware and quiet voices lets me know that we have finally entered the restaurant.

"May I help you?" I jump slightly at the new heavily accented voice. "Were supposed to be meeting our friends, Rinoa Heartilly and Seifer Almasy, at table thirty two." Rustling papers can be heard as the manager (I think it's the manager) checks our reservations. "Right this way, gentlemen." I here their footsteps trail away from me and I quickly try to follow the sound. Hoping not to run into anything.

"Squall, Zell!" Rinoa's voice reaches my ears and I quickly make my way over to her voice. "Hey Squall." A quiet voice greets me, and gives me plenty of warning before Seifer lightly grabs my arm and guides me to sit beside him. I nod in thanks. He's the only person that helps me without being asked. And he always seems to know when I need help.

I'm grateful for the warm touch of his boot resting lightly on top of my foot while he slouches into the corner (when I could see, he always seemed to like slouching into the corners. Almost like huddling). It lets me know that he's still there, and even if I can't see him I appreciate knowing that he's right there next to me. At the moment I don't know how far away Zell and Rinoa are but I can hear their voices clearly as they talk about recent movies they've seen.

"What will you be having?" I frown slightly, not knowing what was on the menu since no one was reading out loud. I hope they have my favourite dish. "Garden salad with ranch dressing. And a small glass of water for the brunette. Fettuccini and Alfredo for me and a large chocolate milk." Zell and Rinoa say their orders after Seifer gives his and mine. I was slightly surprised that Seifer would remember my favourite dish. I guess since I've ate with him before and I always order the same thing, it could give him a hint. I almost smirked at Seifer's choice of beverage. He has this thing with chocolate milk. He says he can't go a day without having a large glass.

"So, Squall. How are you holding up?" Rinoa asks. I can tell she's not trying to be mean, but she can be pretty blunt at times. "I'm fine." I try to keep my answer short and clipped. But I can feel Seifer's gaze on me, and he presses down slightly on my foot. I know he's been worried about how I've been handling things.

Him and I have been pretty close friends since he came back to the Garden a year after the S.S. wars. We've been friends for two years now. It's been a week since the accident with the Malboro. After I came out from the Infirmary (where Zell carried me after he defeated the monster) everyone seemed to treat me differently. When I walked down the corridors (counting how many steps it took to get to each door) I heard people whispering about me.

The gangs reaction was varied. Irvine and Selphie still treated me the same, basically ignoring my handicap. Quistis asks me questions about what it's like. Rinoa asks things like, "What do you see when your eyes are open but not seeing anything?" I noticed Zell seemed to get more agitated, and it seemed like he was distaining himself from me. Right when I needed him the most. I admit probably after several years I'll be able to walk around by myself and I'll know where I'm going, even if I haven't been there before. But at the moment I really need someone to care for me (even if I won't admit it out loud), and to be there to comfort me when I wake up and forget for those few minutes why I can't see. And then when it all comes back to me, and I try not to brake down and cry at how helpless I am now.

No one seems to understand how I feel. Seifer might be able to since he was controlled by the sorceress and he knows what it feels like to feel helpless. He's the only one who hasn't really stopped treating me like he usually does, except he helps me when I need help and he's even held me during one of my 'episodes'.

His dorm is right next to mine and Zell's. Unfortunately he can hear almost everything in our room since the walls are almost paper thin. Anyway. Two days after the accident Zell was in his old dorm (he said something about thinking that I need time to myself. Even though it was so far from the truth it wasn't even funny), and I had woken up in one of my dazes again. I tried to keep quiet but I guess my stifled sobs and whimpers reached Seifer's ears on the other side of the wall. The next thing I knew I heard a door bang open in it's haste and a quiet voice alerted me to who it was before he sat behind me on the large bed and wrapped his arms around me, gently lifting me up so I sat comfortably in his lap. I cried into his chest, but my heart wrenching sobs slowly died down while he rubbed small circles on my back and ran his long fingers through my sweat dampened hair. He murmured nonsense words, but the sweet melody of his voice made me fall asleep peacefully.

The next day he didn't mention it to me, but he did make a point of being there when Zell wasn't. Whenever Zell tried to comfort me he basically just told me to go back to sleep and stop crying because it was freaking him out. Probably because he's never really seen me cry before. But it still hurt to know he couldn't stand my tears. I guess even when you love someone, they still don't like some things about you, so your forced to hide it. But I love Zell, and I know he has his quirks, but I still love him for it. I don't know, maybe it's just me who thinks everything my lover does is perfect.

But Seifer seemed to be there for me more then Zell was. And when he saw my tears he didn't leave, he didn't tell me to stop crying. He told me to let it all out, and he held me until I fell asleep.

"Squall, you okay?" Seifer's baritone voice jars my thoughts, and helps me come back to the real world. "Yeah, I'm fine. I was just thinking." I feel Seifer shift beside me until he's sitting up straight with his shoulder touching mine, and his boot moved away from my foot.

"Were all finished, what do you want to do now?" Zell asks us. "How about we go see a movie?" I frown slightly at Rinoa's suggestion. A little disappointed that I'll never be able to see another movie again. "Oh! I'm sorry-" I shake my head and cut her off before she can give a long apology. "It's okay Rinoa. I can still hear it, let's go." I feel someone's gaze on me, my sixth sense telling me that it was Seifer and he knew what I was thinking then.

We always used to watch movies together at his place every weekend. At first Seifer was surprised at my love of movies, but was glad that someone finally shared his enthusiasm. Maybe we'll still be able to do that once I get used to the 'not seeing thing'.

I hear Zell and Rinoa stand, and I slowly follow soot. Carefully feeling my way to stand just on the outside of the medium sized cubicle. "So what movie do you want to see?" Seifer asks the others while he places a hand on my elbow to guide me towards the exit. "How about Anger Management? I heard that was supposed to be pretty funny." The rest of us agreed. At least it was a comedy, and I didn't really have to see anything to know what was going on.

"That was hilarious!" Zell exclaims, while slinging an arm around my shoulder. The movie had been pretty funny, and it was nice to be able to laugh again since the accident. During the scenes that didn't have much talking, Seifer had quietly whispered in my ear what was happening. I kind of missed not being able to see what was happening, but Seifer's quiet voice in my ear strongly made up for it.

"I think I'll turn in for the night." Seifer half-yawns. "Rinoa, what to come with me?" I had heard Zell and Rinoa talking a lot during the movie, but I hadn't been able to make out what they were saying. "Sure." I wondered where they were going, but Zell's question towards me answered my unspoken one. "Do you mind spending the night at Seifer's, Squall?" I shook my head no. I was left alone in the corridor when Zell quietly shut the door, an audible click could be heard as the lock slid into place.

Sighing quietly, I ran my hand along the other door, trying to feel for the door knob. I stumble forward into Seifer's chest when he swings the door open wide. "I thought it was you. Why aren't you with Zell?" I feel his voice rumble deep from within his chest beneath my cheek, before I step back slightly, trying to look Seifer in the eye even though I couldn't see him. Seifer puts a finger under my chin, tilting my head up to meet him in the eyes (at least I think so).

"Zell's in our room with Rinoa. He wanted me to stay with you for the night. Do you mind?"


Do I mind? Of course I mind! Now I'll have to sleep in the same bed as him, and I have to try to keep my hands to myself. Usually I sleep on the couch while he sleeps on my bed (he used to spend a lot of time at my place, and I know he doesn't like to be left alone. So it was usually whenever Zell was out). But ever since the accident I know he appreciates physical contact now that he can't see and he's still not used to being blind yet. But maybe you never get used to it. I never got used to being controlled, and I was under Her influence for a year.

I see Squall shift before me, probably worried at the silence that greeted his question. "Sure. Why would I mind? You can come over here anytime." Squall smiles slightly, only a slight curl to his lips. Gently taking his hand I lead him towards the bathroom to get ready. Handing him the toothbrush he keeps here since he's here overnight so often I wait for him to rinse his mouth out before I lead him to the bed.

I pull of my shirt and socks, leaving my grey sweat pants on. Tossing my clothes to a random corner in the room I look over to see Squall holding his leather pants, socks, forest green Tee shit and black bomber jacket while he stands near the bed, looking uncertain. The ebony boxing shorts the only thing I can see on his pale form.

Walking over to him I take the clothes out of his lose grip and place them on my red oak wood desk. Striding back over to him I pull the navy blue cotton sheets away from the bed. With my other hand I touch Squall's elbow lightly, guiding him to lie down on the soft mattress. He crawls in, while I walk around the bed to rest on my preferred side. Pulling the sheets over us I wait patiently for Squall to slide back, seeking my warmth and physical presence.

Pulling him to my chest I lightly wrap my arms around his stomach while he rests his head beneath my chin. The silky strands cool against my lips. Placing a small kiss on his head I whisper goodnight and slowly close my eyes. A brief thought flashes through my head before I drift off into peaceful slumber.

Do close friends sleep together like this? I hope he doesn't think I'm some how taking advantage of him.

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