Author's Notes: This should be funny. That is all I have to say.

But, I'm An Assassin

Chapter 2 - Step One: Admission/Step Two: Rediscovery

By Link621


Step One: Admitting You are Homosexual

"Step one is the easy part," Ken muttered in Omi's ear as they walked toward the room where they were going to have their first group session. "All you have to do is admit you are homosexual." Ken chuckled, still whispering in Omi's ear as they walked. Aya didn't seem to notice the intimacy behind him. "Your butt looks cute in that gown. Cute boxers, too." Omi turned nearly purple with blushing and pulled the flaps shut quickly. This just made Ken laugh.

"This is it," Aya said with no passion in his voice. He lead Omi into a room already filled with people his age, and sat the boy down on a chair before taking a seat himself. Ken took a moment to whisper one last comment about the boxers, sending Omi into a wild blush before the poor boy sat down. He took note that Reiji Takatori was among the people in the room.

"Introduce yourselves!" Takatroi ordered, scaring a couple people in the room.

The first to rise was a young girl with an umbrella. She said, "Tot is homosexual."

A strange looking man with an eye-patch stood. "I'm Farfarello. I like pain. I'm a homosexual because it hurts God."

"I'm Hell, I like to stalk people, I have lots of money, and I'm a homosexual." Hell looked sheepish as she spoke.

Ken was the next to stand. He said with a pleasant smile, "I'm Hidaka Ken, I play soccer, and I like boys... A lot."

"Aya. My mission in life is to avenge Aya. I will kill you, Takatori. Homosexual." Then Aya sat down. Omi just blinked at the red head.

The next person made Omi almost die laughing. It was Naoe Nagi, one of the people responsible for making him come to this god-awful place. "Ugh... Nagi... you know me. Homosexual genius. What's up, Omi?"

"Serves you right for getting me stuck here," Omi muttered. He added quietly, "I guess you just looked at my butt during missions too much, too."

The next to stand was a lanky boy with a light cigarette in his mouth, and sunglasses even though they were inside. "I'm Yohji, I work at a flower shop, and I'm bisexual, no matter what Takatori says."

"I'm Neu, I used to date Yohji, and now I'm homosexual. Imagine that." Neu sat back down, casting an evil look at Yohji as she did.

"Now you, Tsukiono!" Takatori turned on Omi. "This is your time to disclose! Come out of the closet!"

"Er... but I'm not gay," Omi said in confusion. "Everyone just thinks I am. I don't know why I'm here." Omi smiled nervously as he got intent looks from everyone and a hard stare from Nagi. Yohji looked about ready to laugh, and Ken looked a little disappointed, but interested. Omi looked at them. "What? Just because I have pictures of guys around and I've gone vegetarian, doesn't mean that I am gay!"

"Do you have a girlfriend?" Neu asked, suddenly very serious.

"Yes, we've been together for a year and a half. I really love her. And she is really pretty." Omi was trying to gain ground, but from the looks of it, he was losing. "What now, guys?"

"Does she make you hot?" That question came from Yohji who had a wild grin on his face. "I mean, do you think of her when you..."

"I'm not a hentai!" Omi wailed in distress. "I get good grades, I ride a motorcycle... I'm an assassin!" Omi laughed. "Look, everyone reads Cosmo and sees attractive men and are able to recognize them as attractive. That doesn't make them gay."

"But, you only assume others are thinking the same thing," Farfarello pointed out. He added after a moment, "Heh, Cosmo hurts God."

"You know, not everyone looks at a man and thinks the things you do, Omi," Nagi pointed out. "Farfarello is right. You don't think the same way as a normal boy would about other boys..."

Omi whimpered, realizing that they were right. "I... I just want to be normal!" He whined helplessly.

"YOU ARE NOT NORMAL!" Takatori roared. "Now, why don't you just spit out the truth, pansy!"

Omi swallowed hard, thinking back on the events of the recent past. Watching Nagi go longingly. Kissing Ouka with no passion. Feeling his body run rampant on him as the great Hidaka Ken made a beautiful save that exposed his perfect stomach in the process. Not to mention, meeting Ken, just to nearly throw up he was so paralyzed with awe. He was undeniably attracted to men. "I'm a homosexual..." Omi whispered. "I'm a homosexual!" He repeated with more power in his voice.

"That's great. Get dressed in real clothes," Takatori said, angrily throwing a new outfit at Omi. Everyone followed Takatori's lead as he went through the door, leaving Omi alone.

"They were right," Omi said laughing. "I'm a homo."


At dinner that night, everyone was gathered around the tables eating when Omi had to find a spot for himself. As she walked by to sit down, Aya commented, "You gave in to Takatori." Omi wasn't quite sure what the red head meant by that, but just ignored it all together.

"Don't mind him," Yohji commented as Omi took a seat next to him. "He's just mad because his sister was sent here and turned strait by that damn Takatori freak." Yohji put an arm around Omi. "Hey, you're kinda cute..."

"Yohji, I will report you," Neu muttered from her spot across the table. Yohji withdrew his arm as quickly as he could.

"Tot can't wait to be strait," Tot said from her spot in between Nagi and Farfarello. Nagi gave her a long glance after she said this.

"It's cool that I get to talk openly about it," Ken commented. "After all, I can't tell the team because it would become public and I'd probably lose my job."

"Nah, you're too good, Ken-Ken," Yohji said with a wink. Ken just shook his head at the blonde.

"Maybe you've got the wrong job," Hell suggested venomously.

"I think we should just support eachother," Omi said meekly.

"Really, Oji-san. Since when did you want to be friends with me! Don't forget, it is all your fault that I am here!" Nagi's voice was uncharacteristically murderous. That, to say the least, was that.


Takatori was busy watering the fake flowers when Shuldich came down the steps of the office building sipping a glass of god-knows-what. "Flowers are pretty," he said in a low and sexy voice.

"I know that," Takatori said crossly. "We sprung another leak, Shuldich. I'll leave you to take care of it."

"I'll take care of it tomorrow." Shuldich licked the end of the straw before sipping more. Takatori saw right through his antics.

"NOT IN MY PRESENCE!" Takatori yelled. "Just drink the damn thing like a normal man!" Shuldich grinned, taking the straw out of the liquid, and drank it like a shot. "Now go work on the damn leak!" Shuldich shrugged, doing as asked, to leave Takatori to watering his fake flowers.


Omi lay awake in bed, trying to ignore the weird sounds come from Farfarello's general direction. He looked over to see the Irishman was creating new scars in his pale skin with a knife, and then licking the blood off the blade. Omi just blinked at him, not quite sure what to do about the situation. Finally, Omi walked over to Farfarello's bunk to check on him. "Hey, Farfie, are you okay? What are you doing?"

"Hurting God," Farfarello replied seriously. He drew the knife over his skin again, and Omi watched as he licked the blade. It was sickly erotic on the one hand, but too disturbing for Omi to really enjoy. He made a disgusted face. That was when he spotted something under Farfarello's leg.

"Hey, isn't this my picture of Hidaka?!" Omi demanded in surprise.

Farfarello glared. "Mine now. Go stare it him if it means so much to you." Farfarello then motioned to Omi's bed with the knife. Omi rolled his eyes. He got the point. Heh, the point... Whatever. Omi went back to bed, this time ignoring the sounds Farfarello made as he continued to lacerate his skin.


Step Two: Rediscovering Your Gender Identity

The girls spent all day with Takatori learning about the roll of women in the household. They were first forced to learn how to vacuum, or so they recounted, and were all too busy trying to ignore the wonderful innuendoes you could make with the basic operation of a vacuum to actually learn anything. Neu commented several times when telling the story that Takatori was worse than Yohji, he just didn't know he was doing it. This had brought an eruption of laughter from the rest of the group.

The boys on the other hand were being taught the wonders of repairing cars. Crawford was under the car working on something with a wrench. "First you slide it in," he began, "and out. Then, you add some oil and shove it IN and out..." He continued to mutter out instructions while Aya and Yohji clung to eachother like schoolgirls. Omi and Nagi both blushed while Farfarello and Ken exchanged knowing smiles. Crawford suddenly slid out from under the car and asked pleasantly, "Who wants to go down with me?" Everyone raised their hand.

Apparently the next exercise for the girls was putting one of them in a wedding dress. Hell was easily elected to wear the dress. Neu wasn't going to wear a dress for any reason, and Tot was... well, she just really liked the tailoring process. Plus, Hell kept saying something about marrying Masafumi once she was regular. Takatori hadn't taken well to his son marrying a lesbian, even if an ex-lesbian, and the wedding dress activity was simply canceled.

After the car episode, Crawford moved on to chopping wood. He demonstrated the chopping very nicely. All the boys except Aya cheered for the job well done. "Hey," Crawford said sternly. He turned to glare at them all, and then put his hands on his hips in a very manly fashion. All the boys except Aya followed suit. Then, he grabbed his crotch in a manly way, and again, everyone did so with apprehension except Aya who just narrowed his eyes at Crawford. Crawford narrowed his eyes in return. "Any volunteers?"

Aya was first with the ax. "Takatori! Shi-ne!" he yelled as he jumped down on the wood full force.

Next, Yohji threw a cigarette on the block, watching it slowly burn, much to Farfarello's delight. He ran over and took the ax, licking the blade with pleasure. Everyone blanched.

Ken took the ax and easily chopped the wood into two perfectly symmetrical halves. Everyone cheered madly until Crawford reminded them to grab their crotches.

Omi took the ax, and it flew out of his hands on the back-swing, causing everyone to scatter. The ax almost hit Nagi in the head, but he managed to catch it with his PK before it split his head in two. In taking cover, Omi could see behind Nagi that Aya and Crawford had grabbed on to eachother as if for dear life. Nagi glared at Omi once he finally had the ax actually in his hand. "I hate you," he muttered to Omi. Omi didn't hear him, though. He was focused on where Yohji had placed an arm low on Ken's back as part of "protecting" him. It was war.

The girls were all getting manicures while the boys were given toy guns to play war. They, to say the least, took it a little TOO seriously. Aya was asked to sit down, and Farfarello was banned from the activity all together.

Finally, everyone got together again to report their root. "Tsukiono!" Takatori pointed to Omi. "You start!"

Omi stuttered, "I... I don't even no where to begin, I've thought about it a lot, but I just don't know..." This got some annoyed looks from the rest of the group.

"Fine," Takatori growled, "You start, Hidaka," he suggested.

Ken smiled slyly. "Sure. I think it was just from being around men too much in the showers, and such. Plus, I've always associated women with the annoying wailing fan-girls that crowd around me like you wouldn't believe after every game." Ken ran fingers through his chocolate hair. "I think that is it, really."

Farfarello was next. He said simply, "It hurts God. God hurt me, so I must hurt God." That, as they say, was that.

Aya narrowed his eyes. "Shine, Takatori," he whispered venomously. He added after a long pause, "When I lost my sister and took on her name. I think that has made me more effeminate. Omae o korosu, Takatori." Everyone just rolled their eyes at Aya.

Hell was next. "Fashion victim," she said simply. No one asked.

Yohji got a huge smile on his face. "I like to keep my options open," he explained.

"Him," Neu said, motioning to Yohji.

Nagi's eyes narrowed when it got to him. "Shuldich," he said. Takatroi's eyebrows went up, as did Omi's. He wasn't aware that the two were well aquatinted.

"Daddy," Tot said. No one wanted to know anything more than that.

"Are you ready then, Tsukiono?" Takatori asked. Omi shook his head 'no'. "Fine, then. Partner off. Take these cards and practice with them at some point tonight before lights out." Takatori tossed the cards down. "The person you choose will be your partner for the rest of the program. Please keep that in mind when choosing." Then, he walked off.

Everyone was so quick to pair off that Omi was afraid that he'd end up with someone not normal. In other words, anyone but Ken or Nagi. When a hand encircled his arm, Omi was ready for the worst. He looked up and saw Hidaka ken smiling down on him. "Mind if we work together?"

Omi just drooled.


"What's this?" Omi asked, holding up a card. It was a man, holding a lunch-box and a briefcase. He was dressed in a Sears suit and had the perfect sixties' professional haircut.

Ken blinked. "It's a man."

"What else?"

"A working man?" Ken gave Omi a very cute look of confusion. Omi blushed.

"Er... it's a dad, I think. You see, this is the role a father plays in the household. He makes money for the family, but always comes home in time for dinner." Omi smiled at Ken. "Most dads still are like this in modern times.

"Hm, whatever. My dad went off to work one day and never came back, Omi. Though, I hear he's still working on his secretary every night." Ken's sapphire eyes flashed with pain. "I think that's why my mother died. I think she gave up on life when he gave up on her." He looked back at Omi, closer now.

"Ken... I didn't know... I'm really sorry..." Omi trailed off. He realized Ken was very close. Close enough to kiss, easily. Omi felt his eyes half-close as he leaned in a little himself. Their lips were nearly touching when Ken spoke again.

"Omi, you really should be more ready for temptation," he whispered in a seductive voice, then pulled back abruptly. Omi's eyes went wide when he realized Ken was now much farther away, and he had been just leading him on in the first place. Ken laughed a little as Omi's face went beet red. The younger boy stood, storming away from the amused Ken. Not long after the blonde left, Ken sobered. He watched Omi retreat with a sad expression. "I really did want to kiss you, Omi."


The next day, the boys were going to practice football, a very manly game. Ken complained endlessly when he found out it was American football, and ended up being asked to sit down. After the snap, Yohji went out for the catch. "Give it to me," he purred, "I'm open." Aya face-falted, barely able to throw it. It ended up hitting Yohji in the head anyway because the blonde became distracted. Shuldich waltzed up, still wearing those cut-offs, and holding a broom and a chainsaw. He stopped, with the broom between his legs, and "mindlessly" ran his fingers up and down the shaft of the broom.

Yohji and Crawford were completely lost to the world, and Aya was clinging to Farfarello, both of them petting the other. Omi started to stumble back, but fell against the hard chest of a man. He knew it was Ken. Nagi looked at Ken jealously. After a moment, Shuldich kept walking, but it was obvious that Crawford was the most effected by the brief moment. Omi took note. It would be interesting to see if there actually was anything there.

Suddenly Crawford yelled, "Boys!" All of them stopped where they were and sprang apart. "You are pathetic! Always wanting something you can't have..." Crawford's eyes went back to Shuldich, obviously watching his tight ass in those jean shorts as he walked away. "If I catch you looking at another man like that EVER AGAIN," Crawford threatened, "You will be watching sports ALL WEEKEND!"

"Great," said Ken, "I was gonna miss the World Cup! What a relief!" Everyone looked at him in such a way that he instantly shut up. Omi, admittedly, found it somewhat endearing.

Return to Archive | next | previous