Disclaimer: Weiss and Schwartz are not mine, no matter how much I wish I could have them. The movie "But, I'm a Cheerleader!" belongs to Universal and Lion Gate Films, who are obviously not me either. This story is mine. Tee hee.

Author's Notes: You don't need to know the movie to enjoy this, but it will help if you know Weiss.

But, I'm An Assassin

Chapter 1 - Intervention

By Link621


The Intervention:

Omi returned to his motorcycle after school, sweating hard. He had been forced to go on a mission in between fourth and sixth periods and he had a test in both classes. Talk about a rush. His father had been planning on making a team of four men named Weiss to go on these missions, but he was the only one, at least at that point. Naoe Nagi was his arch enemy, being the first of a group called Schwartz, but Omi could help but think that Nagi was a very impressive and not to mention attractive young man. Omi put on his helmet, shaking his head slightly to get those thoughts out, and straddled his bike. Right as he was ready to pull out of his parking spot at school, he head someone call, "Omi-kun!"

Omi slowly turned to look at his girlfriend Ouka and frowned. She was very pretty, his mind told him he should find her attractive, and she was one of the smartest girls in the school. All the same, whenever Omi was around her, he just didn't feel the tug at his heart that he felt he should. Plus, they had been going steady for two years and they had never made it past French kissing. "Ouka-chan..." Omi plastered a smile on his face. "Are you ready for the big exam on Friday? I'm excited... I think I will do well."

"I am sure you will..." Ouka said absently. She sat side-saddle on the bike and put her arms around Omi. "I missed you all day today..." She turned her head up, begging for a kiss. Omi leaned down, touching their lips together, and almost immediately felt her tongue sliding into his mouth. She tried to start a tongue war while all Omi could think was how awkward it was to kiss her even though they had been kissing for so long. Omi's eyes remained open, as he looked off at the boys crowded around Nagi, asking him questions about the up-coming exam. Nagi was smiling and answering their questions, eager to be helpful. He wasn't always like that, though.

Omi inwardly sighed. It was going to be a long year...


Omi got home, and was met with his surrogate mother Manx, who was too busy to cook, so she had ordered Chinese. She set it up at the table for Omi, along with his laptop, and eventually she herself came to the table. Omi opened up his laptop, and the shadow of his adoptive father, Persia, appeared. "Good evening, Omi. How was school?" Persia asked.

"Fine, Persia. The mission wasn't too much of a problem, either. Naoe Nagi didn't interfere too much this time, thankfully." Omi lifted some rice with his chopsticks and ate it. He didn't like how Persia and Manx suddenly went silent and motionless and, at least in one case, stared at him. "What about you two?"

"Fine, Omi," Manx replied shortly, quickly resuming eating her food way too fast.

"Omi, I am so proud of the man you are growing into," Persia commented offhand. "I just... I worry sometimes that you might not be following the path that a normal spiritual human being should..." Persia trailed off, leaving Omi to blink at the computer screen in the silence that followed. Persia finally said, "Well, I have work, so I'll leave you two to eat. Good night." The computer screen went dark.

Manx took her plate to the sink. "I'm going to bed early tonight, Omi... I'll see you in the morning, sweetie." With that, she was gone, up the stairs. Omi silently held a noodle just outside the range of his gaping mouth. What the hell was going on?


The next day, Ouka insisted that she drive Omi to and from school in her beamer. Omi just shrugged, and let it happen. They were driving back from school, when Omi realized that they were only going a grand total of about nine miles per hour. Omi nudged Ouka, who looked tense. "Hey, Ouka-chan, why are we going so slow?" Ouka looked at him as if startled.

"Er... right, sorry." Ouka pushed the gas in a little more, bringing them to a cruising speed of a little over fifteen. Go, baby, go. Omi decided to ignore it, and watched the scenery pass as they approached his house. When they finally did get there, he couldn't get out of the slow car fast enough. He wanted to just go jump on his bike and rev the engine just to feel it humming between his legs. And just to know that automobiles still could reach speeds of a whopping thirty or, god forbid, maybe even forty miles per hour!

When Omi opened the door to his house, with Ouka trailing on his heals, he was greeted by a living room full of people. Nagi, Manx, his laptop (Persia), Sakura, and some tall guy with glasses who looked like he had a stick up his ass. That man held out a hand and said, "Tsukiono Omi, I am Brad Crawford. It is nice to meet you." Crawford shook Omi's hand, then returned to sitting on one of the chairs. "Please, be seated," he insisted a moment later. Omi flashed a glance back at Ouka, and then did as asked, completely baffled.

"Look, Omi... we have something... we need to discuss..." Persia explained, barely able to get the words out. This caused more tension in the room.

Manx rolled her eyes. "Omi, we think you're gay," she explained. Omi nearly face-faulted. It wasn't quite what he had expected to hear from Manx, but he was glad someone told him what was going on.

"Omi, I am from a program called True Directions," Crawford explained. "I myself was once homosexual. True Directions helped me to... straiten out my priorities. You exhibit all the warning signs, so your... er... parents asked me to take you there tomorrow morning." Crawford straitened the jacket of what appeared to be an import Italian suit and fixed his glasses on his nose.

"Tomorrow... but that is the big exam! And, what signs! I don't do anything weird!" Omi looked around the room for support.

"You stare at my butt during your missions," Nagi said frankly.

"Your locker is filled with pictures of J-League stars," Sakura said, holding up a picture of Hidaka Ken, the famous J-League goalie.

"You've gone vegetarian," Persia commented aside.

"Look at your shirt!" Manx said motioning to the shirt Omi was wearing. It was his favorite one. It laced down most of the shirt, stopping above his abdomen so his perfect stomach was visible.

Ouka gave Omi a concerned look. "You don't even like kissing me..."

Omi was in a state of disbelief. "I am SO not going," he said passionately.


Omi's shoulders could slouch more as he walked up the steps that lead to the main office at True Directions. He wanted to go on a mission, just so he could kill someone. Brad Crawford, who was leading him to see the director, was completely silent as they went, leaving Omi to wonder about what was going on. He looked over to his right and saw a man gardening. He was dressed in ridiculously short cut-off jeans and a tank top that might as well have been painted on. His fire-red hair fell around his shoulders wildly, only contained by some sort of band running through it at the top of the forehead. Crawford did a double take of the man as they walked by.

"Who was that?" Omi asked as they finally reached the door.

"Shuldich. He's telepathic. Takatori thinks of him as a son." Crawford opened the door for Omi, then left the poor little blonde to his own devices inside. Omi still couldn't get over the fact that a mind-reader was just out gardening in short-shorts.

"Tsukiono Omi," the man behind the desk said in a deep voice. Omi looked at him in surprise. He was an older man, obviously not very open minded, and he looked very stern. "Thank you for coming to our facility. I hope we are able to fix your problem.

"I really don't see what the problem is, sir, I..."

"Let me introduce myself," the man said, interrupting Omi's babbling. "I am Takatori Reiji. You may call me Takatori-sama." Takatori folded his hands. "Now, Omi-kun, are you ready to admit to your problem?"

"Pr-problem? Takatori-sama, with all due respect, I really don't know what you are talking about. I frankly..."

"Fine. You will meet with the group later today. Until you admit that you are not strait, you will wear these. I will give you the clothes everyone else has only when you pass step one. Aya will show you around. You are dismissed." Reiji shooed Omi out of the office after giving him an ugly gray jumpsuit to wear. Omi stared at the closed door blankly before he turned around to find Aya. As soon as he did, he bumped into the solid chest of a young man.

"Hm. Omi?"

"Uh... yeah..." Omi looked up to see that the man was not much taller than him, had auburn hair, and beautiful violet eyes. His skin was pale as alabaster, and smooth like cream. He wore a gold earring in each ear, and he was holding a basket of flowers. Omi didn't ask about the flowers. "You must be Aya?"

"Fujimiya Ran," the boy replied. "Call me Aya. I'll show you around." Aya turned around, and began to walk, droning on and on as he walked about protocols and times for meetings and such that Omi had apparently missed out on when he arrived because he was a day late. When they got to the room where everyone would stay, Omi almost lost his ability to breathe. Outside, on the lawn, a boy was dribbling a soccer ball in fairly random patterns. When he spotted Aya, he kicked the ball up, catching it in his left hand, and waved with his right.

"Hey, Aya-kun!" The boy raced over with a huge smile on his face. He had short brown hair that bounced as he ran, and big blue eyes that smiled just as genuinely as his lips. His skin was naturally tan, a strange contrast to Aya, and his muscles were in completely different places. It didn't take long for Omi to recognize him.

"Hidaka Ken!" Omi slapped a hand over his mouth. "Are you Hidaka Ken, the J- league star?!" The boy nodded, maintaining that huge smile. "Seriously?! Wow, it is so great to meet you! I have been watching your team for as long as I remember! Man, I remember when you were first signed... everyone thought you were too young... and man, you were awesome!" Omi giggled happily. Aya just looked at him. Ken laughed full-heatedly.

"You're a weird kid. Heh, you must be Omi. I heard you were coming. But, why don't you get to wearing the uniform yet? Did you not admit your 'problem'?" Ken laughed as he said this, obviously making fun of Takatori.

"Takatori..." Aya growled under his breath, suddenly sounding positively murderous.

"Erm... Yeah, I don't really think I have a 'problem'... but he keeps insisting that I do..." Omi trailed off as he felt a hand on his. He followed the tanned arm back to Ken, looking at the soccer star in surprise, and couldn't find his voice. Ken was smiling at him still, only this time, there was a look of empathy on his face. Ken carefully lifted Omi's hand, pressing it to his cheek.

"I don't think you have a problem. You seem perfect to me."

Omi was effectively melted into a little puddle of drool on the ground until his first group session.

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