Author's Note: Everyone… PLEASE don’t take this seriously! This is definitely something I wouldn’t post on ff.net… I’d be flamed to hell. Anyway, I decided to write this after reading a fic that bashed yaoi and yuri, so this is something similar to that, only opposite in a sense that it makes fun of the way ‘many’ of the common stories go in various archives. I also included what I can remember reading in a few particular fics that a few of you out there may be able to point out, but I read them a LONG LONG time ago anyhow..
Right Back At Ya!
By Sapphire17
“I have never felt this way about anyone…” Kazuya said while looking into Jun Kazama’s shining eyes.
“Oh Kazuya…” Jun said in joy, “I’m so glad you love me! Say you love me!”
“I love you! You have opened the world up to me and freed me of evil, devil, my past, father, shit and all that crap.”
They were just about to kiss, when Lei Wulong, who had been spying on them, ran up frantically in panic.
“NO JUN!” he exclaimed, “You can’t choose Kazuya over me!”
“Oh Lei...” Jun sighed indifferently, “You see, Kazuya has a very high level of ‘badass-ness’, while you’re level is equivalent to that of Santa Clause.”
“But… but I can be badass too!” Lei whined.
“You wear queer China dresses and treat your hair like it’s your God, you fag,” Kazuya sneered, “And that’s what you are, a QUEER COP. You’re also ‘good.’”
“You’re going to pay for that, Kazuya!” Lei exclaimed in rage, “FWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *breath* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*breath*ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*breath*E!
“I HATE you Lei Wulong!” Jun sighed, “Get that through your head, if there’s any room left for a brain with all that hair of yours.”
“NO Jun!” Lei continued with tears in his eyes, “I-I know you love me! You must! I love you SO much, Jun! I would DIE for you! Please!” he sobbed on his knees while dramatic music played in the background. “Just let me be YOURS!”
“Ugh…” Jun said in disgust, “You’re WAY too sensitive and *feminine* for me. I need a real, BADASS man who will both love and abuse me and is also evil because I’m a girl who likes a challenge.” Kazuya and Jun then began to make out.
Lei shot himself in the head.
“Now, this is the part where it turns into a parody,” Kazuya smiled happily, “In which I become wildly OOC and start raising our beautiful son Jin in some random household at your side, even though I’m dead in a volcano the whole while, and you get your head ripped off by Ogre and then your soul sucked out before I’m resurrected!”
“Cool, let’s get at it!”
“Fuck me, Lee!” Anna yelled up at Lee’s window, who looked down at her in confusion.
“But I’m the evil psycho man who plans to take over the world with my sadistically evil creations!” Lee yelled menacingly while lighting flashed, followed by a loud crash of thunder. “Plus I’m GAY!”
“And I’m a SLUT!” Anna cheered, “YAY!”
“Yay for being like, totally gay!” Lee said, readjusting his nose that wouldn’t seem to stay in place from the millions he’s spent on plastic surgery. “Come on up here, SLUT!” Lee ordered evilly, “You get your ass up here – wait… oh yeah, I’m not sounding ‘gay’ enough… Like, totally get yer ass on up here, guuurrrlll!” *giggle*
“Okay, then you can see my new DDD implants I got while I put on a strip show and be totally slutty!”
“Okay, whore, now hurry up and get up here before I, I mean- like, totally get up here and all, before I like, like yeah.”
“You got it baby! You hate your brother and were the family reject, and I hate my sister and was my family reject, so that SO means we belong together! And we’re both slutty!”
“Like that is SO true!”
“You used me, Hwoarang…” Julia whispered sadly. “Why…?”
“I didn’t USE you…” Hwoarang stated while scratching the side of his head, “I’m in love with you, I just can’t admit it because my level of badass-ness is a couple points too high to allow that, you know?”
“Then that means we can never get married and have a double wedding with Xiaoyu and Jin, even though I secretly love Jin too?”
The redhead sighed, running his fingers down Julia’s cheek. “No, that wouldn’t be right. We have to separate for a short time while you cry and I curse, and then we’re reunited and I kiss you deeply under the sunset.”
“Oh Hwoarang…” Julia smiled with glazed eyes, “I love you!”
“Does that mean we can have sex some more now?”
“Okay.”
“Hey look, here comes that fucker Kazama and his Xiaoyu, even though I secretly dream of threesomes between you and Xiaoyu, just like Jin does!”
“Hello, worthless KOREAN CRAP!” Jin yelled at Hwoarang.
“DAMN JAP! I’m going to kick your worthless ass! I hate you SO fucking much and would love nothing more than for you to die and rot while the worms and maggots feast on your corps!”
Xiaoyu started to cry because Hwoarang was scaring her.
Julia slapped Hwoarang’s ass just because.
Jin looked deep into Julia’s big, brown eyes. “I’m here because I can’t make up my mind if I love you, Julia Chang, or MY lovely Ling Xiaoyu here more…” Jin sighed.
“That’s strange, I’m having the same problem, asswhipe!” Hwoarang yelled, “I can’t decide if I love Julia more than Xiaoyu, or Xiaoyu more than Julia either, damnit!”
Xiaoyu shrugged. “I feel the same way about my devoted love Jin, but since Hwoarang and I are more of a ‘challenge’ for each other, I think I may belong with him!
“And Jin needs someone ‘mature’,” Julia stated, “Like his ‘mature’ mother, and since I’m more like that and ‘mature’, maybe I should be with Jin! Because I’m ‘mature.’”
Jin sighed again. “Come on Xiaoyu, I’m going to get you in bed one more time before I run off for another year or so period where I’ll dream about you every waking moment because I secretly love you so much while you do the same, and then you’ll bare my children.”
“Okay, my love! Jin..ny! Jinnikens! It reminds me of all those millions of different theories where you ask me out on our first date and I’m just ever so shy!”
Thus we have Xiaoyin/Xiaojin, J/J, Hwulia, and Xiaorang!
Meanwhile, Bryan Fury and Nina Williams had made the poor choice of training within 7.5 ft of one another, though they of course secretly wanted to fuck but could never admit it because they both had an *extremely high* level of ‘badass-ness’.
“Goddamnit, Nina! You stupid SLUT, get out of MY 20 x 20 ft training space!” Bryan roared in rage.
“Go to hell, OLD man!”
“Shut up, before I make you, you fucking bitch!”
“Shut the fuck up, OLD man!”
Even though Bryan was only 29, Nina still insisted on calling him ‘OLD man’ over and over again just because.
“You know what,” Bryan suddenly said, stomping forward towards Nina ‘hard’ enough to break the stone floor, “I think I’m going to fuck you, fucking BITCH!”
“Like fucking hell you are!” Nina exclaimed, “First, we have to start fighting, and then fucking before we’re fucking done with the fucking fight!”
“Fucking fine with me, bitch!”
“Okay, you fucking bastard!”
“Fucking fine with me, bitch!”
“Yo, what’s up?” Lei said, walking up to the two.
“Eww, why are you crying?” Nina said, “That’s so gross for a man!”
“He’s not a man,” Fury yelled, “He’s a pansy gay QUEER COP in denial!”
“I am NOT gay!” Lei said, “I may be a slut, but I didn’t even wear gloss or colorful eye shadow or dance with a fan in this version of the game, nor was my strong love for Jin Kazama made noticed, you damn zombie thing, you!”
“I hate you, Lei!” Bryan exclaimed, “You would give me orders not to kill robbers back when we were partners, when you should have let me kill them!”
“HEY HEY! Who do you think saved your ass the night you were sliced from face to chest after you disobeyed orders and then got you to medical aid in time?! And shooting everyone would be EVIL!!!”
“I am EVIL, you fucking QUEER COP!”
“Yeah!” Nina agreed, “QUEER COP!”
“QUEER COP!!!” A random voice said.
After Lei had shot himself in the head again for having *the lowest level of badass-ness in the game* (Remember Santa Clause) compared to any other character in the tournament, and for being “THE QUEER COP”, Bryan and Nina went inside to do drugs, drink, and fuck before planning on how to kill each other afterwards before deciding in the end that they were in love.
“Tell me again why we’re fucking in a limo, Eddy?” Christie asked.
“Because I’m rich?”
“But wait…” Christie suddenly said in sorrow, “I am a hot girl in the later Tekken generation…”
“And…?”
“That means I must attempt to fall in love with either Jin, or Hwoarang…”
“But… but…”
“No buts…” Christie said, determined to take her place in the great circle of… stuff… “That’s just the way it is…”
“That’s right,” said 2pac.
“If you fail, I’ll be here in the LIMO waiting for you, my love!” Eddy cried.
“Okay, but you can fuck Anna here in the meantime.”
“AGAIN?! OKAY MAN!”
“HAVE me Paul! Right here, on the bar!” Michelle Chang ordered.
“No no no,” Paul replied, “I have to get dead drunk first the way I do in all those fics where I’m raping Lei Wulong.”
“Oh yeah, my mistake!” Michelle giggled. “Drink away!”
“Uh oh, my hair is too tall! That means I’m… not as desirable as Jin and Hwoarang!”
“You forgot that you’re old!” Michelle replied.
“But Kazuya and Lee are old and everyone wants them!”
“It’s the forces of… stuff, I tell you!” Michelle exclaimed, “Now I must get back to secretly worshipping you while you hit on me and piss me off, though I really do LOVE you!”
“But I have blonde hair!” Paul argued, “BLONDE!!!! That means I am Steve’s father! Because my hair is BLONDE.”
“Did you sleep with Nina?”
“No, she was too busy obsessing over Kazuya all of Tekken 2 the way Anna and Jun were! GODDAMN! WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO GO BACK TO KAZUYA IN THE END!!!!”
“Are you drunk enough yet?”
“I think so.”
“Yeah! Then I can go kill a buffalo when we’re done while Jun scolds me for it!”
“Okay baby, I’m ready. Just don’t smack me with a ‘magazine’ the way Lei did after your hangover wears off in the morning.”
Steve Fox and Miharu Hirano cursed to themselves.
“I don’t get it!” Miharu argued, “Why am I not on the “Love matches for Jin and Hwoarang oh mighty list” the way Julia and Xiaoyu are, with Christie and Nina as backup?!”
“And why am I not on the “Oh mighty list” with Hwoarang and Jin?!” Steve Fox exclaimed.
“Damn stereotypes!” Miharu scowled in rage. “What can we do?”
“Each other?”
“Okay!”
“Man, that’s the last time I visit a few of these sites for a while…” Jin shuddered after turning off the computer, before looking back at Hwoarang. “Okay, let’s fuck now. I’m done reading this shit.”
Return to Archive