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Part 14 - So Long...
After seeing Nida and Seifer kissing in the hall, I headed straight for my office and locked the door behind me. For the past week, I had been hoping Seifer would return to me. It was foolish hope, but I had hoped nonetheless. However, after seeing Seifer in the hallway, it made our break up final. Seifer loved Nida, and I couldn't interfere with that.
A part of me wondered why Nida hated me so much; he was nothing like the Nida I first met. I almost considered him a friend. Did I interfere with his relationship with Seifer? I should have asked Seifer what was going on between them. Despite what others think about me, I'm not so cold that I would break up someone else's relationship.
I gave a deep sigh and buried my face against my hands. There were so many things I didn't know, I felt completely lost and confused. I hated feeling helpless against my emotions; I had no control over what I felt. I wanted Seifer to hold me in his arms, but I knew that that would never be possible again. I just...I wanted this feeling of loneliness to disappear. I never wanted to get hurt like this again.
The intercom beside me 'beeped' suddenly, breaking me out of my depressing thoughts. I was startled when I realized I had tears trailing down my cheeks. I hastily wiped them away with the back of my hand, then pressed the 'talk' button after clearing my throat.
"What?" I cleared my throat again when my voice cracked. Ever since I left the infirmary, everyone has been trying to get me to talk to them. It's not that I don't trust them, I just prefer to keep my feelings to myself. I already exposed enough of my weakness to them, and I refused to let anyone dig any deeper.
"Squall?" It was Rinoa. "Can you open the door, please?"
I blinked several times in confusion. Rinoa had been living in Timber with Zone, and the last time she had been at Garden was on the day that she left me.
What was she doing here?
"You have the key," I replied, feeling thoroughly confused.
Rinoa was the only other person who had my office key. During the times I wanted to be left alone, Rinoa was the only one I could endure sitting next to me.
The lock clicked, and Rinoa peered in through the doorway. Her raven-colored hair was in complete disarray, as if she had been running across the plains trying to get here. I couldn't keep the shock off of my face; I just sat behind my desk, staring at her in bewilderment.
"What's going on, Squall?" She asked as she stepped into my office, closing the door behind her. "Zell called me a few days ago, saying you were inside of the infirmary." She strode towards my desk and studied me with coffee-colored eyes. "What happened?"
I swallowed the sudden lump inside my throat.
"Did Seifer do something to you?" Her eyes narrowed in malice, and her small hands curled into tight fists. I couldn't fight the slight smile that curled the curves of my lips; at least there was one person who still cared about me in the world.
"It's nothing," I told her with a slight shake of my head. "I'm okay now."
I watched as she made her way around my desk, not stopping until she placed herself right in front of me.
"No, you're not," she said matter-of-factly. "I've never seen you like this, Squall. Tell me what happened." She reached out her hand and gently stroked the side of my face, rubbing her thumb under my eye and brushing the light tears away. "I know you better than anyone else."
Her gentle ministrations had my cold-cement walls wavering. I didn't want to crumble and blurt out my inner feelings, but my mind cried out against her warm, caring touch. Even if I thought I didn't need it, somewhere inside me, I needed the soothing comfort Rinoa was offering me. Seifer failed to give me the affection that I craved from him, but Rinoa was offering me her motherly instincts, and I responded almost immediately.
Small, delicate arms wrapped around my shoulders as I fell forward, crying softly against the crook of Rinoa's neck and shoulder. I felt like a little boy again, starved for the attention of parental comfort. It didn't make the pain I felt any less, but it felt nice to be in the arms of someone who cared. I didn't feel so alone anymore.
Rinoa held me tight as I whimpered like a small child. Everything that had been building up inside me crumbled down, drowning me in the comforting warmth of Rinoa's arms.
I cried because of the love I had for Seifer.
I cried because of the loss I felt when Seifer didn't kiss me.
I cried because I realized Seifer never loved me.
And I cried because I knew Seifer would never be with me again.
When I finally settled down, my eyes were swollen and puffy, and I was hiccuping every now and then.
It was the hardest I ever cried in my entire life. I felt foolish and weak, but somehow, better.
I looked up at Rinoa and mumbled a quiet apology, feeling suddenly embarrassed, and weak within her presence.
"Everyone has their breaking points," she said, as if she read my mind. She reached across my desk and handed me a few tissues. While I scrubbed at my eyes furiously, I could feel her watching my every move.
"Now," she said, "Tell me what happened."
I told her everything from the time I last spoke to her. She listened quietly, but the expression on her face darkened as I continued on. When I was finally done, her fists were clenched so tight, her knuckles had turned white.
"I'm going to kill him," she said through clenched teeth. "I'm going to kill both of them! I'm going to tie Nida and Seifer to the Timber railroad, and then I'm going to run them over with my former base!"
I didn't wish any harm on Seifer or Nida, but I felt warm with the realization that Rinoa cared about me enough to do something like that.
"Forget about that jerk, Squall," she said, a bit more calmly. "You deserve better than that. If Seifer doesn't love you, then that's his loss."
I wished things were as simple as that.
"You shouldn't waste your tears on someone who doesn't care about you," she said. "I know it hurts, but things will get better soon."
Somehow, I doubted that. I gave Seifer everything: heart, body, and soul. I had nothing left for me.
"For now, sweetie, try not to think about him." She reached over and gently stroked my hair. "It would make things easier if you don't see him at all."
I found myself nodding my head to that. I don't think I'd be able to handle seeing Seifer and Nida together again. It hurt too much.
"You look like you need some rest," she said. She stood up straight and pulled me out of my chair. "Get some rest; it'll probably help a lot."
I didn't protest as I followed her out of my office. Rinoa is probably the only person I trust completely. If she says things will get better, it probably will, right? All I had to do was forget about Seifer.
I nodded my head and straightened my shoulders, resolved. I'll just forget about Seifer. It's the best thing to do.
~ Seifer ~
Nida got a nice punch in the gut after the little stunt he pulled in the hallway. He didn't actually think I'd allow him to kiss me, did he?
I've slept with dozens of different people, and I figured I'd save something for the person I fell in love with. To me, kisses are a lot more intimate than sex. In this day and age, sex no longer held the same value as it once did; it seemed more like a trend: everybody's doing it, so why don't you? I thought I'd at least save something for the one I fell in love with.
I don't fuck them face-to-face either.
I've been tempted to kiss Squall dozens of times before; his lips are so full, and just begging to be sucked on. I don't know how many times I had to resist the urge to ravish those sweet, rose-petal lips.
I groaned, feeling myself get hard from just the thought of Squall. I missed being buried deep inside of him; he's so tight, and warm, and velvety...Squall's ass was a piece of heaven. And, he completely responds to my every touch; those sweet, arousing moans are enough to make me climax.
I slipped my hand beneath my boxer shorts and began to stroke my hard length, up and down. Its been so long since I last had sex, I was almost tempted to go to Nida's room and fuck his little brains out. The only thing that was stopping me was the feelings Squall harbored for me. Normally, I wouldn't give a fuck; I'd fuck anyone just because I could. But, I knew Squall cared for me, and regardless if he found out or not, I'd feel as if I were betraying him.
I gave my erection a hard squeeze, imagining that it was Squall's fingers, stroking me up and down. His hands were always so warm and needy...I shivered when I remembered those hot lips around my length. Squall has a naughty tongue, and even though he's still a bit inexperienced, he gave the best blow jobs I had ever had.
I never thought I'd ever come to caring for Squall like I did; all I thought of was fucking his pretty head off. Yet, as we spent more and more time together, I began to relax and feel comfortable around the ice prince. I mean, who would have thought I'd eat salad with _no_ dressing for Squall's benefit? I happen to like nice, juicy steaks, and a big bowl of ice cream. Not to mention, I was starving my ass off that day in the restaurant. But it felt nice to see the surprised expression on Squall's face, and the slight wonder in his eyes when he looked at me. I'd never seen that side of Squall before.
I stroked myself harder as I imagined being in Squall's body: a warm, tight sheath that squeezed my erection like a vice. Nothing felt better than being inside of Squall.
I moaned Squall's name when I felt my climax approach. It wasn't the first time I'd fantasized about being in Squall's body, but it was the first time I masturbated thinking about someone I already took.
Squall seemed to have that effect on me.
When I cleaned myself off, there was a knock on my door. I groaned out loud, hoping it wasn't Nida behind the door; that boy seemed to become a stalker.
I stood up reluctantly and pulled open my door. Instead of seeing Nida, my favorite instructor was standing in the hallway, glaring at me.
"Get ready," Quistis barked. "You're coming with me."
"May I ask where we are going?" I asked her pleasantly. The smirk on my face must have pissed her off, because she narrowed her eyes and shoved a piece of paper in my hand. "Headmaster orders," she growled. "Your field exam takes place today." Then she turned on her heel and stomped away.
"Thanks so much, instructor!" I called after her. I slammed my door shut, and glared at the paper in my hand.
Squall must have been trying to get rid of me.
I don't know why I felt bothered by that.
The paper stated that I would be traveling through different towns, and fighting off different monsters that began threatening the villages. Ever since the sorceress war ended, the world seemed to settle into peace. The SeeD exams took longer than usual, since most of the time, SeeD was hired to fight off all the monsters. I'd be stuck on the damn field exam for one week straight.
I hate following orders for just one hour.
I growled and shoved the piece of paper in my pocket. Then I began throwing clothes into a small duffel bag, cursing myself for not completing the exam earlier.
When I was done packing, I threw open my door--and came face-to-face with Rinoa. By the expression on her face, she wasn't here to wish me luck.
"How could you do that to Squall?" She demanded, giving me a hard shove, but not hard enough to push me. "He loves you, you know that?" She shoved me again, narrowing her eyes at me.
God, who should I expect next?
The girls were like the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future.
"Do you know how hard it is for Squall to fall in love?" She demanded. "Why don't you love him? He gave you everything!" Her hands curled into claws, and I could almost imagine the pointed ears that sprouted on top of Rinoa's raven-colored hair. "How many people like Squall do you think will come around? Squall is one in a million!" She shoved at me again, with more force than I thought possible. "It's your loss, Seifer. You never should've given up a good thing while you had it." She shook her head sadly and took a step back. "Don't hurt him anymore than you have."
For the first time, I had no witty retort I wanted to make. Maybe it's because I agreed with what she said.
"I can't believe you would do that to him," she said softly. "I mean, everyone thinks you're this big, sarcastic jerk, but I know that there's a softer side to you." She frowned and looked away. "I never thought you'd hurt Squall like you did." Then she met my eyes directly. "I won't let you hurt him like that again. If I find out you hurt him even more than he's hurting now, I'll hunt you down and kill you."
I had a feeling she was serious.
I didn't say anything as she turned around and walked down the hall. A part of me was relieved that there was someone out there to take care of Squall. The other part was kicking me up the ass for hurting him so much.
I sighed and slung my duffel over my shoulder. Then I headed for the front gate, where Squall's other motherly-figure awaited.
Quistis will probably make my field exam a living hell.
~ Squall ~
The next morning, I woke up feeling a little bit better. My eyes felt a bit swollen, but Rinoa had been right: sleep did help me, a little.
I crawled out of bed and took a quick shower, trying not to remember the time Seifer and I made love in this very tub. He had always been so gentle to me...
I shook my head, ridding myself of those thoughts. I shouldn't be thinking of things like that.
I headed to the cafeteria before I had to start my day at work. I bought a few bagels and pulled out a chair, munching on it quietly. I was halfway through my second bagel, when I heard Nida's voice, speaking loudly behind me.
"Seifer told me if he passed his exam, he would buy me that ring I wanted," he announced proudly. "And he's moving into my dorm when he gets back."
"Wow, you guys are getting really serious, huh?" Another voice said.
"Of course," Nida agreed. "Unlike _some_ people, I wasn't a toy. Seifer cares about me, and only me. I wasn't giving him any, so that's why he went searching for the nearest slut available."
My stomach seemed hollow suddenly. The bagel in my hand dropped down onto the table, forgotten. Is that all I was to Seifer? A toy he could play with?
"I heard that slut wasn't any good, too." Nida and his companion snickered. "Seifer said he was picturing me the entire time."
There was a terrible aching inside of my chest. Is that what Seifer really thought about me? Am I just a slut to him?
~ You're becoming a little whore, aren't you, Squally? ~
I bit my lower lip when Seifer's words echoed through my mind. I never thought Seifer would think of me as a whore, but that's what I am, right? I was Seifer's whore.
"That stupid slut thought Seifer was in love with him, too," Nida laughed. "Seifer and I were up all night laughing about it."
Yes, I could see Seifer and Nida laughing at me late night. Seifer was probably laughing at me the whole time. I was just a whore to him.
A strange sense of numbness washed over me when those words sunk in. Seifer had been playing with me all along; he never saw me as anything more than a slut.
"I heard he gives the worst blow jobs too. Seifer told me he'd never fuck that whore again."
I couldn't stop the flood of fresh tears that escaped my eyes. Seifer didn't really think of me as a whore, did he?
I stood up from my chair and hurried out of the cafeteria, trying to hide my face from Nida's searching eyes; I didn't want him to see me hurting--but I was. I kept telling myself that Seifer didn't think of me as a slut, but Nida's voice seemed to drown out the words of false security.
I ran towards my office again, wishing I could just disappear into the ground.
I wasn't really Seifer's whore was I?
Over the next few days, Nida seemed to be everywhere that I went. He was always talking about Seifer, and how Seifer thought of me as a whore. He never said any of it to my face, so I thought that perhaps Nida didn't know that I was there.
In the beginning, I tried to convince myself that Seifer didn't think of me as a whore. But the more I heard Nida speak, the fragile hope I had began to crumble.
Eventually, I came to see the truth of what Seifer thought of me. Nida was right: I was nothing more than a whore to Seifer. He was probably laughing at me the whole time; I served as his source for entertainment. For the first time since Seifer refused to kiss me, I felt my old self-control return to me. I hardened my heart and chose to forget all about Seifer.
He wasn't worth spilling my tears over.
To be continued...
AN: I'm sorry for turning Nida into the bad guy. I really like him, despite the way I have portrayed him. I just needed someone to be the bad one...^^;; Oh yeah, and just for the record, Squall is my favorite character. I have a tendency to torment my favorite characters, but it doesn't mean that I don't like them. ^__^
~ Rain ~
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