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Part 12 - Foolishly Devoted...
For a long time, the room remained silent; all I could do was sit on the edge of the bed and look at Seifer.
He didn't love me.
Why? Why didn't he love? Why didn't he tell me? How many times had I whispered I love you to him? Did he hate me that much? Is this some sort of revenge for him?
I could feel my lower lip begin to quiver, but I refused to allow myself to cry; no matter how much it hurt. I looked at him, studying his expression. He refused to meet my eyes; that hurt more than when he refused to kiss me. It felt like he had reached into my chest, ripped out my heart, and stomped on it repeatedly. Why was he hurting me like this? Why did it have to hurt so much? This was nothing like the day Ellone left me; it was so much worse.
I lowered my head, feeling hot tears gather in my eyes.
No, stop it, I told myself firmly. I don't want to cry.
"Squall..." he said, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.
No, I didn't want him to touch me. Seifer didn't love me...but I loved him. However, my body outweighed my mind, because I collapsed forward and leaned against his warm chest. It felt so right being in his arms; didn't he feel the same way too?
"Squall..." he said again, trying to comfort me.
If he doesn't love me, why is he holding me like this? Is he trying to hurt me more?
"I'm sorry," he whispered, so softly I almost missed it.
I bit my lower lip to stop myself from crying.
God, I loved him so much. I've never loved anyone as much as I love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist, wishing my body could melt into his. I remembered that first night Seifer took me, when I told myself to take whatever I could get. I could never live my life without Seifer. I've fallen in love with him. I love him too much to let go.
I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat. Seifer didn't love me, but he seemed to love my body. I love him enough to wish for his happiness. And if I can make him happy with body, I'd willingly give myself to him, even if it rips my heart in two. At least I'll be able to feel his arms around me; to feel his heartbeat pounding against my back. I'd sacrifice everything to be with Seifer.
That boy told me Seifer has already kissed Nida.
Seifer will probably return to Nida soon.
If just for one more moment, I want to be with Seifer.
That's all I'll be able to get.
~ Seifer ~
The look on Squall's face was indescribable; I've never seen him look so...devastated.
Squall...devastated? The two words didn't seem to go together.
I cared about Squall, a lot. I don't know why; he's such an anal bastard. Talking to him is like talking to yourself. When he first asked me for his help, who was I to pass up a nice fuck? His innocence towards sex made him so much more endearing. Who would have thought Sir Leonhart could be so clueless? It almost made him seem childlike.
I never expected him to fall in love with me, though. I never thought Squall was capable of falling in love; he's the most a-sexual person I've ever met. But I guess no one really knows the real Squall. He keeps his feelings hidden so well. The only reason I noticed Squall was about to cry was the slight quiver of his lower lip. When he climbed onto my lap, it was the most vulnerable thing I've ever seen him do; he was like a small child, deprived of love and affection. In a way, I guess he was. I couldn't give him the love that he needed.
Squall needed love.
I guess that shouldn't surprise me. He's quiet and cold, but underneath he's lonely and scared. I could relate to the way that he felt, but I didn't love him. Every time he whispered, "I love you", I'd squeeze him tight, hoping to crush him. But Squall remained oblivious; he'd just snuggle against me contentedly.
Why did he love me anyway? I have nothing to offer him. I'm always acting like a complete bastard towards him. He's completely different from what I thought. I never thought Squall would be the cuddly and cute type. But he's a different person now. He's a little boy snuggled in my arms, trying not to cry, trying to be strong. I remember the day Ellone left. I would watch Squall from the bedroom window, and he'd be standing on the front porch crying and waiting for Ellone to come back to him.
He reminded me of that little boy right now. It made me feel strange, knowing that I probably broke his heart. I never intended for things to go this far. I thought Squall just wanted a good fuck. And, of course, being the God of Sex, I decided to 'help' him.
I know I should've left when he first told me he loved me. I don't know why I didn't. I guess I wanted to keep him for myself. He probably doesn't know it, but more than half the Garden would pay good money to fuck him. He's completely oblivious to his sexuality.
"Squall." I placed a hand underneath his chin, urging him to look up at me. He, of course, refused to budge.
Then, I felt a warm trickle of liquid trail down my index finger. I opened my mouth in surprise, trying to back away from him so I could look at his face. After a moment, I finally managed to tilt his head up.
Jesus fucking Christ! I wanted to smack myself. Why did he have to fall in love with me?
"Squall," I tried to keep my voice calm and soothing. I could see him battling with his emotions. He's trying so hard to stop crying. God, why did this have to happen? No matter how bad our past was together, I never wanted to hurt him like this. I care about him a lot. I just...don't love him.
"Sorry," He mumbles, and he wipes at his eyes with the back of his hand.
"I'm sorry" is the only word I'm able to come up with.
Fucking hell. It's not every day Squall Leonhart cries. I felt so guilty for doing this to him. Even if I wouldn't admit it out loud, I enjoyed being in Squall's company. He showed me a side of Squall that remained hidden from the others: a playful, shy, and vulnerable side. And now, I crushed his heart into bits. I didn't know his love ran for me this deep. I guess I should've known he'd love me completely; if Squall says that he loves you, it's the truly, madly, deeply kind.
"I...care about you, Squall," I confessed hesitantly. I decided the best route would be to go with honesty. "I just never thought you'd fall in love with me." I could almost hear Quistis' voice inside of my head saying, "Yeah, well, you never think!" but that would only be the truth. Even I admitted it was selfish to stay within Squall's company when he was in love with me--even if I cared for him a lot. I just...didn't want him to stop coming around.
I almost felt _my_ heart break when Squall tucked his head between my neck and shoulder. Both of us didn't move for some moments, until I hesitantly detached myself from Squall's embrace. As much as I loved holding Squall in my arms, it wasn't fair to hold him like this. I'm not _that_ selfish, mind you.
When I pushed Squall away, he gave me that hurt look again: his lower lip sticking out in an adorable pout, and his hooded gray eyes filling with unshed tears.
What did I do now?
He shook his head; chocolate-brown tresses flopping like a rag doll. He looked so sexy; I almost wanted to pounce him.
Instead, I told him, "You should go."
If he didn't leave now, I'd end up fucking his brains out again.
Those slender shoulders sagged in defeat, and he nodded his head, looking down at his lap. Slowly, he began to crawl off of the bed, and he stood up straight. I could only watch as he headed out of my bedroom, feeling guilty.
When he pulled open my door, turning slightly to leave the room, I could see a single tear slide down his pale cheek.
I felt like the worlds biggest asshole.
I probably was.
~ Squall ~
"You should go."
I kept hearing Seifer's words echo in my mind.
It was really over.
Seifer didn't want me anymore.
I could feel a tear slide down my cheek, before I wiped it away with the back of my hand. It hurt so much, knowing that Seifer didn't care for me. He said he did, but he was just trying to make me feel better. All I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and die. I was left here all alone again. I thought Seifer would be the one to save me...but he doesn't love me. No one loved me.
"Squall!" I heard Zell shout from behind me.
"Go away," I muttered, lowering my head so no one would see the tears in my eyes.
"Hey, man, wait up!" Zell trotted up alongside me, probably grinning that stupid grin of his. "Selphie's almost done with the Garden Festival," he announced as if I cared about the party. "She said Irvine's being a pain in the ass, so she's going to hire an outside band. She wants to know if it'll be okay."
"I don't care," I told him angrily. "Just leave me alone."
"Sheesh," said Zell. "You're so anal." Then he chuckled. "So is it true about you and Seifer?"
I stopped walking and bit my lower lip, feeling my tears threatening to spill.
"Zell, will you leave me alone, please," I asked him softly. I felt like a wilted flower, and I just wanted to be by myself.
"Hey..." Zell gasped in surprise when I felt my shoulders begin to tremble. I couldn't hold back the flood of tears that washed down my face. My legs seemed to collapse under me, and I fell to the ground, hiding my face with my gloved hands.
God, I hurt.
Why did it have to hurt so much?
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