By J. Marie
Warning!! This a lemon yaoi fanfiction starring Seifer Almasy and Squall Leonhart from Final Fantasy VIII. It is rated NC-17. And before you get worried about me turning this into a Irvine x Zell, not a Seifer x Squall, I shall, without further delay, return to our stars.
I stood in the doorway, watching Seifer casually enter the room, his hips swaying slightly.
He removed his trenchcoat, laying it carefully on a chair. He turned to me expectantly, obviously expecting me to enter. I licked my lips.
"You know, Squall, you look remarkably like a lamb being led to slaughter," he said calmly, walking over to me.
I just looked up at him silently, feeling like a lamb being led to slaughter. My previous desire for him to sexually degrade me, to dominate me, was replaced by terror.
He pulled me in and closed the door.
I was instantly near him. So near that the heat of his body warmed me, though we weren't touching. So near I could smell his sweat, and his aftershave. His hand gripped my arm tightly, but not painfully. I refused to meet his eyes.
Seifer leaned his face down towards me, his hot, moist breath hitting the side of face. "You're trembling, Squall...." he whispered into my ear. I still said nothing. I was afraid if I opened my mouth I was going to cry. I couldn't explain why I was so scared. How could I go from one extreme to another in an instant?
"Go wipe your make-up off. I don't feel like fucking Marilyn Manson at the moment," he said roughly, shoving me in the direction of the bathroom. I numbly stumbled towards the bathroom, flipping on the light.
My own reflection frightened me. The make-up that made me look mysterious and somber, now made me look like a frightened ghost. I turned the water hot, splashing my face with it, using the soap to wash it way, my mask melting away to reveal the real Squall. I took the hand towel and dried my face off, and stared at my own face. I turned the light off.
I hated looking at the real me.
I slowly walked outside, into the dark room that Seifer sat in wait for me. This was suppose to be fun....
I felt like I was going to die.
What was wrong with me?
It was so dark that I couldn't see Seifer. That made me nervous and I wondered if I should flip back on the bathroom light.
And then he was there.
In front of me.
The moonlight glinted oddly off his cat green eyes. I was struck by his feline nature at that moment. Feral, strong, proud. If I was the Lion, then Seifer was the Tiger.
I was shaking badly, looking up at him. Part of me still wanted him to put his hands all over my body. The other part wanted to curl up and die. I had wanted forceful, rough sex in my fantasies over the past couple days. But suddenly I realized that there was no comfort in whips and chains. Pleasure, perhaps, but never comfort.
"Still scared of me, Squall?" he rumbled. I didn't answer.
He leaned down, and I could feel his breath again, on my lips. His arms encircled my waist. "I'm not going to hurt you, Squall...." Seifer whispered, and gently kissed me. I could feel the warmth of his moist lips against mine, the plunder of my mouth by his soft tongue. The terror consumed me and I struggled against him.
He released me, and even in the darkness, I could see the hurt in his face.
"Even after all these years, that one moment still terrifies you?" he asked me.
"Wh-what are you talking about?" I stuttered, feeling cold now that he wasn't near. I wanted him to kiss me again, but I wanted him to leave me alone.
He hung his head. "Squall... I was just a kid. Just a horny kid. Just a horny kid pushing his boundaries.... Aren't you ever going to forgive me for that?" he asked me, his voice filled with... guilt?
What was Seifer guilty for?
What had he done?
"I... don't understand...." I said slowly.
"I told you I was sorry, Squall. And then you got so cold on me.... I got mad all over again when you didn't forgive me. When you acted like it didn't happen. So mad that I would pick fights with you. I just wanted you to forgive me... I wanted you to pay attention... I wanted you to be okay....." he said, his voice low.
I fought back panic at his statement. Where were these emotions coming from?
"You were always a loner, but before it happened, you at least spent time with me. Talked to me sometimes. You were my best friend, even if I wasn't yours. I know when Sis left you, it hurt, but I know I was the one that made you like you are. I didn't mean to, Squall.... I swear I didn't mean to... I was only fourteen!" Seifer pleaded, looking up at me. A tear trickled down his face.
I was confused, but somewhere, part of me knew why he was acting like this. "Seifer... I don't know what you're going on about..." I said, my voice tinny sounding, even to me.
"You don't remember... Probably because of the GFs... You used more of them than I did. But you always remember in the back of your mind...." he said quietly, his eyes bright.
"Remember what?" I asked, cursing myself for asking, I wanted to know, but I didn't.
"Remember.... what I did. When we were young...." he whispered. I stared at him.
He lifted his hand, his left hand. His fingers were outstretched. His hand was so big it would cover my entire face if he placed it on there.
And then his hand rested on my face, his fingers obscuring my view, the center of his palm resting on the tip of my nose.
And then I remembered.
It was like I wasn't me. I wasn't seeing it through my own eyes, but the eyes of a stranger.
He was about thirteen.
A small brunette boy, his hair perpetually messy, possessed of a delicate ethereal beauty, than not even the onslaught of adolescence would solve. He was feminine, and there was nothing he could do about it.
He stared down at his slowly maturing manhood, wishing it was bigger. All the other boys were going through the change. But his voice hadn't even begun to crack yet. And his name was Squall Leonhart.
Squall turned the shower knob, and hot water sprayed down on him, washing him off the sweat and grime from the day's practice. He was in the boys' shower room. He had waited until the other boys' had finished before getting in, not wanting to be the subject of ridicule again.
Hey, Squall, when are your testicles gonna drop? Hey, Squall, didja get neutered as a kid? Hey, when they circumcised you, did they take a little too much off? Hey, Squall, if you're thirteen, how come you look eight? I guess since he looks so much like a girl, he's turning into one!
Dr. Kadowaki told him he was a late bloomer, and not to worry about it. But that did little to comfort Squall. The other boys' taunts and teasing still stung.
Squall turned at the sound of feet splashing in the water, and the squeal of the shower knobs. Seifer Almasy had come in to take his shower as well, but, mischievous as ever, turned on all the shower heads. Squall turned his face from the blonde, feeling a little angry. Seifer had beat up on a few of the boys that had teased him, but in the end, it only made things worse. Now none of the boys thought he could take care of himself. They were already calling him Seifer's girlfriend.
Seifer didn't seem to notice Squall's irritation with him, and casually stepped under the shower next to Squall, stealing Squall's soap to bathe himself. Squall frowned, and just grabbed the soap back when Seifer set it aside. Squall's deep blue eyes drifted over to Seifer, who was standing beneath the water, the spray hitting his upturned face.
Squall sighed to himself, envious of the older boy's maturity, size, and obvious masculinity. Seifer was a tall boy, his developing muscles promising to be strong when he was older. His face looked like a man's, holding none of the effeminacy of Squall's. And between his legs was an endowment that made Squall want to spit. Even at fourteen, Seifer had the largest penis of the entire class. Curly golden hairs crowned his length, and everything about him was so mature that most people took him for an upperclassman.
Squall was envious, but at the same time, he admired Seifer's male beauty. Seifer looked almost exactly what Squall wished he looked like. Squall found himself wishing he was Seifer's twin brother.
"Why are you staring at me like that for?"
Squall snapped himself from his internal thoughts, realizing that Seifer had caught him staring at him. The older blonde boy stood underneath the water, an arrogant smirk on his face. Squall blushed.
"I... I.... I... I was just..." Squall tried to say, trying to cover his shame. Despite the fact that all the boy's looked at each other, to stare for too long could get you labeled as a homo.
"Was just looking at me. Like what you see?" Seifer asked, his tone playful, his smirk turned on Squall. Squall blinked, not entirely sure where Seifer was leading this conversation.
"I... um... you look... nice..." Squall said slowly, looking at Seifer from beneath his long dark lashes, causing him to look even more like a girl.
Seifer was next to him suddenly, violating the unspoken rule of the boys' shower room. Never, ever get too close to the other boys. Another sure way to be labeled as gay. Squall looked up at him in surprise, swallowing. Seifer's eyes had an odd look to them.
"I like the way you look, too, Squall...." Seifer whispered, misunderstanding Squall's statement. He was leaning slightly over Squall, his face nearing to Squall's.
Squall's mouth formed an "o". Seifer was acting so oddly. Had been acting so oddly for the past couple months. Buying Squall little gifts, fighting his enemies for him, sitting too close to him. It had earned Squall the dubious honor of being referred to as Seifer's girlfriend. Squall had already been the subject of teasing for his quiet nature and physical immaturity, but now Seifer's closeness to him was getting him picked on.
"B-but... Why? Mine is so small..." Squall said innocently, misunderstanding Seifer's statement as much as Seifer had misunderstood his. It was like they were having two different conversations.
"So? That doesn't matter.... I still like you," Seifer whispered. Squall liked him back! He felt pleased, relieved, joyful. His dreams and emergent feelings had worried him, not because it would make him gay so much as fear that Squall wouldn't like him back
"Like me..?" Squall asked, confused. Seifer said that so oddly, like the way another boy in his class had said that to Quistis.
"I like you a lot, Squall...." Seifer whispered, putting a hand out and resting it on Squall's groin, wrapping his long finger's around the small shaft.
Squall yelped in surprise, his hands grabbing Seifer's wrist. "Wh-wh-what are you doing?" Squall stammered.
"You'll like it, Squall. I like it. All the boy's like it. Don't you do it to yourself?" Seifer asked quietly, tugging on Squall's shaft gently, causing it to harden in his grip. Squall sucked in his breath, not having felt anything like that. He hadn't gotten to the stage of self-exploration yet, and was completely ignorant of masturbation.
Squall just stared up at Seifer, speechless in shock. The pleasure and warmth from his groin made Squall think of half-remembered dreams, where he would wake up in wet sheets, but the wetness wasn't from urine. He felt numb in the brain.
Seifer was impossibly close to him, their bodies touching underneath the shower. "Touch mine, Squall...." Seifer urged, rubbing his face against the top of Squall's head. Squall was confused, and beginning to feel frightened. But his fascination with Seifer's large endowment was too great to resist and he reached out and placed a hand on it.
Squall was amazed to discover Seifer's penis grew even bigger in his hand. It felt hard, and hot. Like his felt in Seifer's hand. Squall swallowed, realizing Seifer's penis was throbbing in his hand. He could feel his throbbing. While confusing, the feeling between his legs was undeniably pleasurable. And equally frightening.
Squall removed his hand from Seifer's rock hard erection and squirmed away from the larger blonde. "Go away, Seifer! What are you doing to me?? I'm not your girlfriend!! Go away and leave me alone!! I don't want to be near you ever again!!" Squall cried, hot tears rushing from his face. If any of the other boys had come in while he and Seifer touched each other, he would never hear the end of it. They wouldn't tease Seifer, because he was so big and strong. But small little Squall was an easy target, easy to push around and torment. Squall was confused and frightened. He understood none of what Seifer felt, or what Seifer was doing. He only knew he would be ridiculed for it.
Seifer's face turned red. He widened his pale green eyes, realizing that Squall didn't like him. He was hurt. Hurt became anger. And in his aroused state, Seifer became vengeful. He reached out and pushed Squall, as hard as he could. Seifer was strong, and almost twice Squall's size. Squall fell on the ground, hard, his head knocking hard against the tiles, dazing him.
Seifer was on top of him suddenly, the blonde's long legs pinning Squall's leg, his hands roughly keeping Squall pressed to the ground. Seifer said nothing, but ran his hands along Squall's squirming body. He had wanted Squall so bad... Now Squall hated him. Why? Everything had seemed fine until a few moments ago.
Seifer looked at Squall's face as he roughly fondled him. Squall's blue eyes were wide in terror. He was pinned and helpless. Seifer was doing strange things to him that scared him. The pleasure he had felt was gone now, replaced by pain and fear. Seifer blinked, pausing his actions, his green eyes wide, and it suddenly dawned on him that Squall had no clue what was going on.
He lifted his left hand, removing it from Squall's crotch. His fingers were outstretched, and his hand was big enough to cover Squall's small face. Seifer placed his hand on the boy's face, the center of his palm on the tip of Squall's nose, his fingers obscuring the boy's view. Squall was breathing heavily.
Seifer got off him, and stared down at the boy he wanted so badly, and in frustration, had alienated from himself. Squall whimpered and crawled away, running from the shower room, stopping only to collect his clothes, dressing as he ran away from Seifer.
Seifer hung his head in shame.
Tears were pouring down both our faces when Seifer removed his hand. He stared at me, much as he did in the shower many years ago.
Guilt. Frustration. Anger. Jealousy.
All his actions made sense.
Mine made sense as well. The fantasies of sexual degradation, forced sex. My first sexual experience had been rough, forceful. Terrifying. But... not completely unwanted. So many other emotions clamored in my being, and I couldn't cope with all of them. I collapsed in the corner and drew my knees up, hugging them to me. I felt lost.
"I'll go sleep on the couch in the living room."
Seifer left me with those words, turning his face and his body from me. His shame was tangible. Suddenly, we were back where we started. Our rivalry was never a rivalry. It was a sham to cover my fear of him. A sham to cover his desire for me. My fantasies were more memories, filled with the mix of pleasure and terror I felt then. I didn't really want him to sexually degrade me. He already had.
But why was I still terrified. I wasn't a naive little thirteen-year-old. I was a grown man. I knew now what Seifer wanted from me, but why did it scare me?
But... I knew there were other things there. Other emotions. Seifer had gotten too close to me. And after Sis leaving me when I was five, I was afraid to get too close to anyone. To let someone else take care of me. But Seifer was pushing himself into my life, even now. Was that it? Was my terror part of that?
Then I realized my fear had nothing to do with sex. And it never had.
I didn't sleep that night.
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