Little Black Book
By Alexis Logain
The scene to which he walked in on was one Seifer had hoped to Hyne he would never have to see. Squall was standing in his dorm, packing his clothing while hot tears slid down his cheeks.
"What are you doing here?" the brunette asked. He really didn't want Seifer to be there. Yeah, he was running away from them all again but this was something he just could not handle. Not now. Not with everything that had been going on…
"I need to explain everything…Laguna approached me a while ago - he muttered some shit about how if I could get you to love him that he'd help me get into a school or a different career. I never accepted the offer." He sunk down onto Squall's bed, watching as the brunette blinked.
"Did you reject it?" Squall's eyes narrowed as Seifer looked down at the floor. His heart ached. "Thought so. Was it all a ploy…or did you ever really love me?"
"I do love you. It wasn't an act - Loire wasn't even anywhere near my motivation for being with you. I love you…"
"I see. And how did Laguna think that you, of all people, would get me to love him?" Seifer's mouth opened but no sound came out. Squall knew at that instant what Laguna had proposed and knew that nothing could ever be the same between them again. How could he forgive someone who used his emotions as a way to gain power and prestige?
"Squall…I'm sorry - you have to believe me!"
"I know you're sorry, Seifer," Squall replied quietly while continuing to drop his clothing into his suitcase.
"I never meant to hurt you."
Squall pursed his lips, not meeting Seifer's eyes. "Yes you did. You just never meant to get caught." He could see the tall blonde sink against the door and see his head drop, but he wouldn't meet the blonde's eyes. His heart hurt too much.
"What?" He looked into Seifer's clear green eyes this time and felt his heart jar and tear. He cursed himself for letting his feelings get too
exposed."Don't be like this…please," Seifer pleaded. Squall sighed, letting the lid to his suitcase fall shut.
"Be like what?"
"All emotionless - do something. Yell, scream, hit me, break something, swear, cry…don't act like it doesn't affect you."
"You know that it affects me, so what's the point in wasting the energy that would be required to yell, scream, hit you, break something, swear, or cry?" Squall countered, his eyebrows raised. "How does my reaction now change the fact that you've just been using me for position and power. To prove to everyone that if your sworn rival can trust you and - and love you, that anyone can do the same." Seifer opened his mouth but Squall continued, ignoring him. "It doesn't. All it does is prove that I was never meant to be loved. That everyone I care about will either leave me or hurt me. So I'm going. And I'm going to continue my life. And I'm going to forget you and everything that you ever represented in my life. Because I can. And because I have to." He leaned over and slid the zipper around the edge of his suitcase and lifted it up off of the bed. Walking towards the door he stopped next to Seifer, keeping his eyes straight ahead of him. "Good-bye, Seifer." With that, he walked towards the front door of his quarters at Balamb-G and reached to touch the panel that opened the door.
"Don't go," Seifer whispered, his voice broken and thick. He was crying…Squall had never seen him cry before. "Please, don't leave me."
"Why?" Squall asked. "You hurt me, remember?"
"I…I remember. I'm so sorry…please Squall, just don't leave." The brunette closed his eyes, his grip around the handle of his suitcase tightening. "I love you." A single tear dripped down Squall's cheek and he reached up to roughly wipe it away then touched the panel, watching as the door slid open before the last of his resolve disintegrated. Before he could hear Seifer openly sobbing and land in a heap on the floor. Before he could forgive and just wind up hurt again. He had to leave. And he had to do it now.
Looking back, his extended 'vacation' at Balamb-G had both completed and ruined his life. Squall should have known, from the moment he stepped off the ferry at the docks up until the moment he left Seifer weeping in his dorm, that something would happen there. All the turning points in his life revolved around the giant school.
Three weeks after he left, Squall heard that Balamb-G cut off all ties from Esthar. President Loire died not too long after that. He wondered briefly if Seifer…but the second his mind turned to thoughts of the blonde, he made his brain stop working.
It hurt too much.
He hurt too much. But he knew that he was right all along - some people just weren't made to love and be loved in return. And he was one of those people.
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