Little Black Book
By Alexis Logain
"Squall Leonhart," Squall barked into his cell phone. They were working late into the night of Seifer's first official day on the job, trying to implement new policies and update the student handbook. And from the expression on the brunette's face, Seifer guessed that the person on the phone was either Laguna or a reporter. "This isn't a good time. No - we'll not discuss this. Good-bye." He clicked the phone off and Seifer could see he was contemplating breaking the stupid thing.
"Who was that?" Seifer asked as Squall yawned.
"Nobody," was the curt reply.
"You know, we have to talk about what happened sooner or later," Seifer told him. Squall glanced over and shrugged dismisively. "If we don't do it now, I'll do so many PDAs that people will think we're dating."
"Is that a threat?" Squall demanded. No, it's an invitation to dance. Sometimes Squall could be really…well, let's just say he can be really dense. And more than sometimes.
"What?" the brunette exploded. Seifer shivered, his mind thinking of the destructive bombs going KA-BOOM!
"I told you I wouldn't be toyed with." The expression on the brunette's face told Seifer that he wouldn't be toyed with either. Well enough was enough and he wasn't a fucking whore. He had feelings too, dammit. "Why won't you talk to me?"
"What's there to talk about? We were stressed and hot at the same time. Sex is a good way to relieve stress, so it seemed like a pretty good release at the time," Squall muttered. "Just because I slept with you doesn't mean I want to continue sleeping with you or that I need you around." Ouch. But Seifer wasn't an idiot - in fact, he was far from it - and while Squall snuggled against him and held onto him after every one of his nightmares the previous night, Seifer wasn't sound asleep like the brunette thought. And after he fell asleep, Seifer was there to wrap his arms around the Commander to try and keep the nightmares from coming back.
"No, it doesn't," Seifer replied slowly. Damn this was getting difficult. "But it doesn't necessarily mean that you don't need me. I don't get why you won't just…give it a shot."
"Because I live here and I work with you," Squall replied. "And it gets very awkward working with someone after you've broken up with them."
"Give me a chance," Seifer pleaded. He never realized how much he actually wanted this. "I…Squall…Hyne, I don't know how to say this…but I…"
"Don't say anything that you'll regret," the brunette said coldly.
"The only thing I'll regret is not fighting to keep you!" Seifer turned so he could face Squall better and reached out to grab his hand. "Squall…please?"
"I can't…" Squall whispered. "It's too fast and way too sudden." Seifer pulled away, shot down one too many times. And Hyne did it hurt. He had fallen so hard and so fast for the sarcastic brunette that he couldn't stop himself. All those feelings he felt when he was a teen reared their ugly heads and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't still in love with Squall. Seifer was one very fucked man…
"Sometimes, you need to just jump in and take a chance - fuck the consequences," Seifer grumbled. "Sometimes, you need to stop being such a fucking pussy and come out of your shell enough to realize that the whole fucking world is at your feet."
"Fuck you," Squall yelled.
"Sorry, I don't bottom," Seifer retorted. "So only in your dreams, baby."
"If I were to dream about you, it wouldn't be to fuck you," Squall growled. "Maybe kill you or castrate you or run you over with a bus, but not to fuck you."
"Awww, you just know how to make a man go all gooey inside, don't you?" Seifer snapped. "You know, if you weren't such a self-centered prick then maybe you'd understand everyone once and a while. And if you weren't so absorbed with what went on in your head, then maybe you wouldn't get fucked over by a psychopath."
"Yeah, and have you thought how much the label of 'psychopath' fits you?" was the scathing reply.
"Really? And do you want to know why the world thinks I'm a psychopath?" Seifer growled, their argument getting completely out of hand. "Because you couldn't handle being at Balamb-G and ran off with your tail between your legs. They all thought I was a monster because you left. I have worked my ass off for six long years to get in the position I'm in and then you show up and take it all away. Well fuck you! I don't need you. I don't like you. And I'm certainly going to do everything to stop fucking loving you, you self-deluded asshole." Seifer sat, seething and running insults through his mind while beside him, Squall's body grew very tense.
"You love me?"
"Yeah, you idiot," Seifer grumbled. "Hyne - what do you think I've been trying to tell you - ever since we were little, I've been trying to tell you, trying to get it through that thick skull of yours that you don't have to be alone! But do you listen? Noooo. You have to go off and be alone. Be some fuckhead who has an icicle stuck permanently up his ass!"
"I do not have an icicle stuck permanently up my ass," Squall grumbled. "You of all people would know that."
"Oh, so now you want to talk about," Seifer rolled his eyes. It was always about what Squall wanted and when Squall wanted what he wanted.
"I don't know what to do with you, Seifer," Squall admitted. "I don't know if I'm supposed to hate you or…like you or what. And with all the shit that's going on with Dante - I don't need to worry about what slot to fit you in."
"Why do I have to be categorized?" Seifer wanted to know. He had a ton of labels…why couldn't Squall just let him be who he was? "Why can't I just be me?"
"It doesn't work that way…"
"I see. You know…of all the people I know I thought you'd be the one who finally understood me." What a let down. What a big, fucking let down.
"I do understand you - that's the problem. We're too alike." Seifer laughed - that was bullshit. He told Squall that too. "It's not bullshit. It's true. We have the same interests, same friends, same occupation - same fucking weapon…Seifer, even if I did give it a shot…the chances anything would work out are a thousand to one!"
"Yeah, but there's still that one."
"No, Squall - just leave it. I want something more from you but all you want is sex. Just…use me like a whore and dump me, huh. I've done that to quite a few people…I never realized how much it hurt."
"It's just really hard…I'm not…" Squall stood from the desk and ran his hands through his hair. "I'm not used to showing my emotions." Seifer raised an eyebrow and followed the brunette's movements, opting to keep his harsh comments to himself. "Around Pandora, it's hard not to - she's a constant flirt. You can't help not liking her. Kinda like Irvine, only with breasts." Seifer blinked at the mental image and began laughing.
"You know, I'd bet he'd get them just so he could start in on fucking the other half of the world's population," he snickered. Squall
chuckled."Probably. I don't know…I opened up with Dante and look at how that ended. You terrify me, Seifer. My feelings for you terrify me. They always have because I don't want to be hurt again."
"I won't hurt you…"
"Yes you will. And I'll hurt you. We have this love-hate relationship and it's like we get off on fighting with each other. It's tiring. And I'm tired of fighting." Seifer's gaze lifted and he met Squall's steel gray eyes.
"So am I." They sat in silence for a little while and Seifer just watched Squall fall into his head. "You know…as much as we fight…there is a balance to us. As much as we're alike, we're that much different. I really do think it would work out. I love you." Squall's eyelids slid shut and Seifer bit his lower lip as pain washed across Squall's features. "Please. Give me a chance." He climbed to his feet and moved across the room to where Squall was standing, reaching out a few fingers to touch but drew them in at the last second. Squall's head lifted and Seifer poured every emotion he could into the gaze they were sharing. Seifer didn't want to fuck up what could very well be considered the only chance they had to hook up.
"Seifer…I…" He seemed to be considering something and Seifer reached out to clutch his hand.
"Just tell me how you feel…"
"I don't know how I feel! That's the problem. I love being with you. I have fun around you, I feel safe and comfortable. A long time ago I could have convinced myself that I love you but I don't want to be hurt. And I don't want to say it if I don't mean it." Seifer's heart was pounding Oh Hyne, please…just let this work. Going with feeling and instinct, Seifer leaned down and pressed his lips to Squall's for a light, chaste kiss.
"I love you. But I don't know if I can keep waiting for you to muster up the courage to love me back. Not if you're going to ignore me and my feelings."
"I don't know what to do…"
"Give me a chance. Please?" Seifer's heart practically stopped as Squall's head lifted and dropped in a shallow nod. The brunette pressed forward, wrapping his arms around Seifer's body; Seifer let his head rest on top of Squall's, inhaling in the scent of Squall's shampoo.
"Okay. I'll give you - us - a chance. Because whether I like it or not, I think I'm falling in love with you Seifer Almasy." Seifer's heart contracted and a tingling sensation flooded his body. He was so happy - nothing could ruin it. Except, of course, for some idiot knocking at his office door.
"GO AWAY," he barked loudly, doing his best imitation of Fuujin. Apparently, some people just didn't understand plain English though and the door slid open. Seifer released Squall's warm body and scowled at the door. "What?!"
"I just wanted to congratulate you, Headmaster." Laguna's voice smiled as he entered the office.
"Thank you, sir," Seifer managed. Laguna looked between the two of them and grinned widely.
"If I could, I would like to speak to you…um, no offence Squall…" The brunette nodded.
"In private. I understand." Squall headed towards the door; Seifer smiled at him. "I'll talk with you later, Seifer."
"I'll drop by when I'm done." Squall nodded imperceptibly at the blonde's words and left the room, the doors sliding shut. Seifer scowled as his gaze fell onto Laguna. "You wished to speak with me, sir?"
"You and Squall seem to be getting along quite well." The president's words were casual, but Seifer could sense the hidden meaning behind them. He sighed and slid his hand over his face.
"Look, I'm happy with my life here. I don't want anything you can offer me. I have Squall and I have a good job. That's all I need."
"What about respect?" Laguna asked casually. "These people don't respect you - they barely trust you. And Squall's just using you. It's the same thing he did to that poor Dante character." Seifer's eyes narrowed and he saw everything coated in a haze of red.
"I would suggest you stop whatever tangent you're going to go off on before I'm forced to kill you," he growled.
"Now why would you want to do a thing like that? I'm just trying to uphold my end of the bargain. You're getting Squall to fall in love with you, which is phenomenal. I do believe it deserves to be rewarded." There was a choking noise from the doorway and Seifer's heart stopped, his head whipping up to meet Squall's distorted face.
"Squall!" Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Excuses and explanations raced through his mind but none managed to leave his mouth. Laguna froze.
"I…uh…I…uh…" Squall's face seemed to contort and twist until it settled into a smooth mask of indifference. He turned and left the room. Seifer glared at Laguna.
"I don't want anything to do with you or your pathetic schemes. I love Squall - I was pursuing him for my benefit and my benefit only. I don't care what happens to you - you could drive off a fucking cliff and die for all I care. You come near either of us again and I don't care who you are, but I will fucking kill you, do you understand me Loire?" He rushed out of the room, brushing past a fairly shocked President Loire and hurried after Squall. He needed to fix this and fix this now.
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