Illumination

Part 4

By okanechan

Sometimes, I canít believe my luck. After the whole Ultimecia thing, I thought Iíd be sentenced to death or something, but the folks in FH seemed to accept my mistakes for what they were, childish transgressions. I still feel like shit for being weak enough to be manipulated by those sorceresses, but if FH can get over it, so can I, right?

So I was given a job. Martine and I, two Garden rejects, started a military academy here. Mayor Dobe finally saw that you canít talk your way out of every conflict. Itís against human nature, really. I wish there wasnít a need for soldiers or killing, I really do. What Iíd really love to do is build a cottage somewhere far away from civilization, maybe Grandidi Forest, work on a little vegetable garden, fish and hunt in the daytime. In the evening, Iíd compose songs on my piano. Yeah, itís a little known secret that the tough Seifer Almasyís a composer and pianist. Hell Iím sure I could cause the entire orphanage gang heart attacks by admitting that Iím a closet romantic, as well as being a closet something else. I never really told anyone "my romantic dream." I really did want to tell Squall at one point. I mean, he is my romantic dream. Every song Iíve ever written has been inspired by him. I doubt he has a clue, though. Every time we fought, it hurt me inside. It reminded me that no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, heíd always hate me. Iíd never be good enough, strong enough, smart enough, handsome enough for him.

I was making good progress with my shrink, Dr. Hiroshi Kadowaki. At first, I was afraid that heíd leak info about me to his mom, the doc over at Balamb-G, but he assured me that he would maintain confidentiality. I thought I was over Squall. Yeah, that meant I hadnít written a song in a few months, but it was probably for the best. Then he had to show up. I had hopped on what I thought was the train for Esthar, but stepped off as quickly when I realized it was the train from Timber. Thatís when I saw him. I didnít want to believe it at first, but then I saw those familiar beautiful blue-grey eyes widen in panic. When he fainted, I caught him just in time, and rushed him over to the academyís infirmary.

I stayed by his side for ten hours, until he finally woke up. Iíd never seen him in such a state of panic. Hell, seeing any emotion from Leonhart was shocking; I used to consider it a great accomplishment when heíd get visibly angry at me. I want to know whatís wrong; I have this great need to protect him from whatever it is thatís hurting him so. Damn that Rinoa bitch. When I find out what she did to him, Iíll kill her, not with Hyperion, but with Lionheart. Itís only fitting that the little slut dies by Squallís weapon. After all, I know why she started chasing Squall. The night of the graduation ball, she must have recognized him from the school photo I had shown her the previous year. She was the only one I had ever told about my feelings for Squall. I was too dense to realize that she wanted me. Iím positive that she went after him out of spite.

Anyway, back to the present. In two hours, I have to have my quarters cleaned up and dinner ready. Sheesh, Iíve turned into a fucking domestic. Itís amazing what Squall can make me do without even knowing it. I should call up Martine and ask to borrow some of his liquor. I never touch the stuff; Iíve had enough of feeling out of control. I also need to explain to him why I didnít make it to that conference in Timber.

I wonder what Squallís up to, and why he came out here to FH. I know for a fact that it isnít SeeD business; FH still doesnít like SeeDs. Iíll find out soon enough, I guess. I just have to make sure my hopes arenít too high; itís highly unlikely that he came out here to profess his undying love for me or something of that sort. Hyne, I hate waiting. Iíve never been very patient.

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