Author's Notez: Ok let me say, that I know this is confusing in bits, hell it’s confusing at times writing it. But it will all be explained soon, I hope… Just bear with me…..and THANK YOU all for your wonderful reviews. I’m taking a page from some other wonderful authors and talking to my reviewers in this way. Oh and the lyrics at the top are once more Silent Lucidity by Queensryche, the lyrics that Seifer was listening to are Lonely in Your Nightmare by Duran Duran.
DISCLAIMER: The boys and places don’t belong to me, mores the pity, but hey The box and the dream realm does, So square if your listening…the idea…you can’t have…it’s mine…possession is nine tenths of the law. Or so I heard *Grin* and any lyrics I use in this fic belong to their perspective owners. I can’t write lyrics worth a damn!
Chapter 3 - Awakenings
If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from the pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but...
- "Silent Lucidity" - Queensryche
Everything was grey, completely lacking in color. The only way he could think of describing it was, complete and utter monochrome grayness, you couldn’t tell where the ground ended and the sky began. He turned in circles as he walked, looking for something, anything.
He looked down at himself, and smiled when he saw that here he had his own body.
He ran his fingers over his beloved belts, and looked at the black gloves he always wore, it amused him that here he wore every bit of his trademark attire, his belts jingled while he walked, striking against one another, the little bits of steel smacking against each other. He ran his hand down his clothed chest, remembering the feeling of having his own hand do this, by the control of another; and found himself flushing slightly, pinked cheeks bore testament to this.
He then decided to call out to see if he could find Seifer that way, as he had walked for what seemed like miles. He cupped his hands around his mouth, calling out as loudly as possible.
“SEIFER WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!!!”
He did this twice, getting a little nervous when he didn’t receive an answer. He hated to be alone in this place; it always left him feeling soulless, wandering in the grey with nothing around him, as if he were the last man to roam the world.
It made him sad.
He cupped his hand, bringing them up to call again when he heard a familiar, if wonderfully bothersome voice.
“Damn, you bellow like a lost cow being abducted by aliens. Do ya gotta make so much racket!”
Squall looked over to his right and there he was, standing tall with his arms crossed across his chest, his pale grey trench coat with the red fire crosses on the arms, once more in pristine condition. Seifer himself looked beautifully healthy here as well, as if nothing had ever been wrong, that is until you looked into his eyes and saw the haunting pain and self-recriminations in their depths.
“Very funny, and I’m sure you’ve seen the cows being abducted right?” he lifted his brow and rolled his eyes at this.
“Yeah I have, took pictures and everything, sent them to the Dollet Enquirer, didn’tcha know, made millions off of it, Dumbass.” Came the mocking reply.
“Why do you persist in showing your lack of intellect to me?”
“Why do ya always wanna run your hands across my ass reverently?” he cheekily replied. Squall had no come back to this as it was true, so he merely turned his shaggy-haired head and looked around once more, conceding that battlefield to Seifer for now.
Seifer snickered knowing that he had finally gotten the best of Squall, it was a heady feeling. He waited to see what else Squall would say, what he would come up with to change the subject, and when he heard the words spilling from those lips he liked to nibble on, he smiled, good ole predictable Squall. How he lov…no...He would not have those thoughts here now. He clamped his jaws tightly, clenching his teeth, glad that Squall wasn’t paying attention.
“Seifer, why do you think we’re here?” Squall turned and walked over to Seifer, seeing at the harsh look upon his visage. His own look was filled with confusion, but he waited rather then asking what was wrong.
“Hell like I would know, I’m just as lost as you ya know,” he said scathingly, “You were the one that began talking to me in the dreams I was perfectly fine till ya invaded my dreams.”
“I invaded! Excuse me, I think it was more like dragged in, and living in a box is perfectly fine is it ? You’re seriously deluded about life there.”
“Fuck you and the horse ya rode in on!”
“Ah and now we come to the most telling portion of the show, Seifer’s eloquence fails him so he must hurl insults, and stupid ones at that” Squall said opening his arms dramatically, as if playing to an audience who cared.
Seifer growled low in his throat, his temper increasingly short, and he hurled himself against Squall both bodies hitting the ground hard, they rolled and tussled and threw punches, each trying to gain dominance, trying to gain the upper hand, never noticing that the grayness around them was going black, the dream sky filling with several colors violently, filling with blood reds, pale golds, and old blood-stained browns, as if it were echoing the two combatants’ feelings.
That is till lighting hit the ground near them, breaking them apart.
They were both breathing deeply, trying to slow their heart rates down, two huge jungle cats both on their hands and knees looking at one another in anticipation of another strike. Their eyes trained upon their opponent, waiting to see the tell-tale flicker of movement in the depth of an eye.
Suddenly they heard a voice; it was more like two voices, overlapping one another, filling the void completely; a woman’s voice upon a man’s voice.
“You Will Reap What You Sow!”
They looked around in confusion, this was the first time they had ever heard anything but their own voices here in the dream realm, and it shocked them to their core.
They got up, their multiple bruises fading quickly from their faces and bodies. They looked around and waited for more, but waited in vain. Seifer became angry once more.
“Sow what??? Reap what??? Don’t leave us hangin’ like this, what the hell is this shit, fuckin’ talk to us, who the hell are you, why are we here?!?” He yelled in his frustration, head up facing the grey sky once more, arms thrown wide as he turned in circles as if he would be able to spot whomever it was that had spoken to them. Squall remained silent, but echoed the sentiments as well in his mind.
“Grrr…ah fuck this…I’m sick of this shit!” Seifer turned back to Squall the grimace on his face, giving him a feral look.
“So what will you do? Ignore it like you tried to before, we can’t go back, we’re basically stuck this way. I don’t know about you, but I for one would prefer to push the boundaries and see what comes of it.”
“You would, ya bastard, you always were the inquisitive one.” The taller blonde said softly, accusingly. “It sure is funny how no one but me ever sees all these sides to ya. What would the Garden make of how their Commander has wonderful fetishes and has so many little quirks that would be considered kinky; he’s not just this cold efficient warrior, their “Lion of Balamb” their savior. What would they think of their hero’s dark side? How he thinks of knives and skin.” Seifer said cruelly.
“Go to hell!”
“What are ya talkin’ about, look around, I’m there already. Wake up...look at where my body is sleeping, my whole life is in hell.”
“So now you must drag me down into your hell as well?”
“Hey no one asked you to invade my dreams, to talk to me, to experiment with taking over my bod. Squall, if ya wanted in so bad, ya should ‘a said so; I would ‘a let ya be top more often back in the old days.” Snideness dripped from Seifer’s words.
Squall knew of one way to shut the taller blonde up, something that would work perfectly, would render the man speechless and he walked over quickly taking Seifer by surprise and his eyes grew large then closed sweetly.
Squall stood on tip-toe kissing Seifer hungrily, his arms wound around his neck, one hand playing with the little hairs at the back of Seifer’s neck, pressing his body full length against Seifer’s.
Seifer, ever one to catch on quickly, wrapped his arms around Squall’s waist, holding him close, letting his desires take control, being with the one he wanted, he never got enough of Squall, it would never be enough in his opinion.
Squall felt safe, being held by Seifer and kissing him. He always felt safe in Seifer’s arms, he remembered holding fast to the early morning dawn, right before Seifer would awaken and quickly leave the room so that no one would find out about them. Savoring being held close to warm sleep-scented skin, rubbing his cheek against Seifer’s chest and the light blonde hairs there.
His emotions were always bare at that time, Seifer never saw them, sleeping through them. Something Squall had been grateful for. He was glad that he had never admitted his love to Seifer, not wanting to open himself so completely and then being left alone. It was better that way. But here and now he reveled in the body that was in his arms. Holding fast to him, never wanting to let go. And he dreamed of them having a happily-every-after ending, knowing that that was a farce, but dreaming of it still.
As they kissed, they were oblivious to their surroundings, while each was in his own thoughts and feelings for one another, the grayness lightened to a light blue, and the ground beneath them attempted to grow grass, though it was small and yellowish, as if starved for water.
They broke apart and once again the sky was grey, the ground grey. Nothing in their eyes had changed here. Seifer held onto Squall, the serious expression on his face, looking a bit saddened, he raised one hand and ran it down Squall’s cheek softly, his eyes following his fingers.
Squall let his fingers walk into Seifer’s hair, and played with it lightly, enjoying the silky thickness of it, and then he realized that his gloves were gone; in fact Seifer’s gloves were gone as well.
“Seifer…our gloves…their gone.” Wonder and confusion fought for dominance across his face.
Seifer suddenly stopped his fingers from exploring the contours of Squall’s face and looked, really looked at his hand…the same conflicting emotions running rampant on his face as well.
“Shit, your right…did we do that subconsciously, or was it that voice?”
“I have no idea, but I find it infinitely interesting. Something to think about, part of a puzzle to the greater picture I would say.”
“Yeah well all that thinking gives me a headache…you play with that puzzle.” He said huskily, once more consumed with Squall’s soft skin across his cheekbones.
“Ya ever wonder why it never worked out for us, why we couldn’t stay together.”
“Because we were too different, and yet too alike. We always wanted to top the other in everything, training, classes, everything. It became too much, our constant fighting was taking its toll, look at our faces, the scars should tell you the story.”
“You never looked back when you left did you, you just kept walking and I couldn’t catch you, I was so angry with you that morning, so hurt, I wanted you to hurt as much as I did, but ya know, I didn’t actually mean to scar ya, I was surprised as much as you were when it happened, I figured you would counter that strike and when you didn’t it was to late to pull back on it, the dance was in motion and there was no way to stop it.” Seifer said regretfully; his way of apologizing for former mistakes.
“It doesn’t matter now, that was then, and we’re in the here and now.” Squall said dismissively, covering his own hurt from Seifer’s words behind an icy wall.
“It matters, but I’ll drop it.” Seifer said while dropping his arms from Squall, stepping back, retreating from a field where he felt he had not the right.
Squall felt coldness pervade his body at Seifer’s loss of warmth, something he always felt when Seifer left him alone. Seifer was his only heat, his shinning sun, something infinitely precious, therefore dangerous.
“I guess we should get back, you do have training with Zell, or should I say I do. Do you want to continue as we were, or would you like to trade back?” Squall asked
politely.“Naw I wanna train, without Hyperion in my hands anymore I’ve nearly forgot how it feels to hold a gunblade, how to fight with one.” He said sadly.
Squall could feel the pain of loss over a beloved weapon, he himself would feel incomplete without Lionheart and the thought of how Seifer must feel filled him with the need to hold the blonde and soothe this pain. He did not follow his instinct, not wanting to give Seifer any wrong ideas as to why he was doing what he was doing.
“Then you can do the training, don’t forget though, Shiva is in there with you, and as you’re me, you *have* to fight the way I do.”
“Shit, I forgot about the G.F.’s, fuck…do ya think she’ll answer my summons? Man, I’m surprised she ain’t kicked up a fuss with me in your head already. And I know I gotta fight like you, all pansy ass with two hands, can’t hold your blade with just one hand, like a real man.” He said, with his old arrogance coming to the forefront.
Squall smiled, a small smile, but sincere nonetheless. He loved seeing this side of Seifer, the no nonsense bad ass. The confident warrior. The arrogance that fit him like a glove. This is what had drawn him at first, the flames of superiority shining like a homing beacon; unfortunately this was also a part of what kept them apart and had caused most of their fights, and towards the end they had quit trying to make up, basically ignoring the problem, sweeping it under the rug of denial.
“Just remember, do as I would do, I know you can do it, since you know me better than anyone else.”
“Does that include Rin?”
“She isn’t a part of this, leave her out.”
“Why ‘cause you still have feelings for the girl?”
“Shut up Seifer, you don’t know anything about it, and I would like to leave it that way.”
“Aw come on, let’s hash it over?”
Squall could feel himself getting angry once more, Seifer always did this, his arrogance would rise and then would spill over like a cup just filled with cola and the carbonation didn’t know when to quit spilling over and upon everything.
Squall turned on his heel walking away…
“Running from me are you?” Seifer sneered at the brunette who was ignoring his taunts, coldly leaving him. Seifer knew this feeling well having watched said brunette walk away from him many a time.
“Whatever!” was thrown over a black-jacket covered shoulder.
Seifer shook his head turned and walked back into the grayness and back to the reality of confusion.
Gun-metal grey opened slowly, and then a smirk appeared along with the fires of anticipation as he thought of hefting a gunblade once more, he looked up into the clock and saw it was 16:15, good; he would have time for a quick shower and head over and get something to eat. He quickly walked into the bathroom and prepared the shower, walking back into the bedroom to grab the bottle of the yellowish-orange colored shampoo he had bought, made of his favorite scent of exotic musk.
The radio still played, and he half listened, actually walking over turning it up loudly to fill the room, liking the guitars, not really paying attention the lyrics though.
Staring at the white above
Can't tell if I'm alive or am I dead
Or is it in my head?
Where'd I go wrong
Staring at the white above
One day I closed my eyes and here I am
A cold, unhappy man
I've come to realize the life I have I hate
The pulse I need is slowly fading
Until I've lost it all
I've been waiting for an inspiration
For a chance I never got to take
Before it's much too late
Where'd I go wrong
Where's the boy that used to run?
Could it be he's up and gone away?
He seems so far away
And all the things I could have done
Could it be they've up and gone away?
They seem so far away
It feels as if the boy in me
Has left and been replaced with a cheap and bitter
Imposter of myself
I must find the one that used to be
Approach him slow, don't be afraid to say
"Can he come out and play?"
Where'd I go wrong
Staring at the sky above
I've found a chance I'm finally going to take
I've learned from my mistakes
Where'd I go wrong
He got into the shower catching a few of the lyrics…and froze then blinked. Hell what was this, why were all the songs he heard lately all geared at himself or Squall, all alluding to their lives in some way? He dropped that thought, feeling a headache coming on.
Jade green eyes opened slowly, taking stock of everything around him, listening for danger. He had woken up once before and not realized that he was not alone and ended up getting beat up by several low-life scum.
Once he felt safe, he slowly backed out of the box, wrinkling his nose in distaste at the fetid smells surrounding him. He sighed and thought to himself, ‘why couldn’t Seifer drop a bit of his pride and let him help him, he could send him money, food, whatever he needed. He used the heel of his hand to rub against gritty-feeling eyes.
“Cause I told you, I’m not about to take charity, look ya want to stop this, fine, we can trade back if ya like.”
“NO, no, go train, enjoy. I’ll be fine, and I won’t do anything that goes against your pride!
“Tch...yeah right, you’ll go out and try to right wrongs with that body and find that your not the hero, but the villain, just don’t’ get me to beat up to bad, ya got it. I don’t heal so quick anymore ya know, ain’t got any cures or curagas,” mocking laughter followed this and Squall found himself sitting there in the dirty smelly alley, feeling small pangs of hunger rumbling through his shrunken stomach.
“Right, first off on the list…food!” he spoke softly to himself.
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