This is all in Legolas' head. Timescale is a little odd, as he's not paying attention. I have used lines from the film and book, hope you can follow it. This is a songfic to "Speed of pain" by Marilyn Manson

Desire and Love

Chapter Three - Lost in thought

By linteloteiel


When you want it,

It goes away too fast.

When you hate it,

It always seems to last.

But just remember when you think you're free

The crack inside your fucking heart is me

He kissed me... I let him kiss me... Oh god, am I insane? But it had felt so good, too. I wished I could kiss him again. No! I'd already let things get out of hand. We'd slept together. Falling asleep in his arms had been so amazing I'd wished it would never end. I squirmed out of his hold and hurried forward behind Sam and Frodo. This was not good. Why was I suddenly acting like a child? I'd known Aragorn since he was 20. Ever since he'd been told of his destiny. I'd helped him get used the idea of being heir to a kingdom. For 67 years I'd desired him, and now I decided I couldn't keep control? Get a grip, I told myself. You're over three thousand years old. You can control yourself. You know he doesn't want you. I kept telling myself this. My thoughts kept wandering back to last night, and the kiss he'd given me this morning.

I should never have given him the wine. I'd thought something was bothering my longtime friend that he needed to talk about. I never expected what it would be. Nor did I believe it. I still should have stopped it. Aragorn would soon reclaim the throne of Gondor. He'd need an heir, so whether he was truthful or not he must know he needed Arwen. I tried to reason with myself. There was no way it could happen. Ever. I knew that when I was introduced to him. It hadn't changed, unless it was more important that he be left for Arwen.

We stopped in a huge hall. I was only going to get hurt when the time came for him to reclaim the throne, if not before. I made up my bed in a corner well away from the rest. Part of me was petrified. What if Pippin's stone led the balrog to us? That thought kept lingering at the back of my mind. I tried to go to sleep, but memories of the previous night kept coming back.

I wanna outrace the speed of pain for another day

I wanna outrace the speed of pain for another day

I wish I could sleep

But I can't lay on my back

Because there's a knife

For everyday that I've known you.

I gave up. Aside from the thing with Aragorn, I could sense the balrog moving around the floors below. That was causing even worse memories. Being chained up whilst it whipped me, raped me, beat me. I shuddered trying to suppress the memories. Watching whilst it killed the last few dwarves in Moria. I started crying silently. This was too much. I was back here, and I had so many worries. Middle Earth was facing the threat of Sauron, I'd kissed my best friend, and nearly admitted my feelings to him. And it was awake. The source of my nightmares, my mortal fear of dark. How long til it found us? I drew my knees up to my chest and buried my face. No one except Gandalf even knew I disliked caves. I didn't want them to either. I was so lost. I really wanted to let things happen with Aragorn, let my heart be happy. Yet my head told me I couldn't, I could not betray Arwen. I was also afraid that if the balrog did find us, the whole fellowship would know of my weakness. I could hear Frodo moving around on watch, but ignored it. Suddenly someone sat next to me.

'Legolas? Are you hurt?' It was Aragorn. I shook my head. He put an arm around me. 'What is it?' he tried to lift my head, but I resisted. 'Is this about last night? I'm sorry. I felt I had tell you.' I cried harder. He was basically saying it was a mistake. He stroked my hair. 'Talk to me Legolas. Just because you don't return my feelings, it doesn't mean I'm not your friend.'

'I do.' I whispered into my knees. He tried to lift my head again, and I let him. I saw the look when he saw me crying.

'You don't believe I care, do you?'

'It's not that. I just don't like caves.' I tried to fob him off. I couldn't start talking about this now.

'Legolas, I've known you most of my life. That is not enough to make you cry. Don't bottle it up. Especially if you don't like it here. That's a big enough burden.'

'I can't. I can't talk to you or anyone.' I prayed he'd leave me alone, even thought I knew he never would. I'd always been there for him, he wasn't likely to leave me.

'Dammit, Legolas, you know you can tell me anything. You know that.'

'I know,' I whispered. He was getting quite annoyed now. 'I do care for you. But you need an heir, Aragorn. The time is approaching when you will reclaim the throne of Gondor.'

'I know. But that is easily solved, there are nobles in Gondor. I have Boromir too, if he had a child, he could be my heir.'

'But what of lady Arwen?' I was managing to get some control on my emotions, although I was forcing myself not to hope it could work out.

'Lady Arwen knows I love another, as I told you last night. She has suspected for a long time that she did not have my heart.' He was being truthful too, I knew it. I nodded. I rested my head on his shoulders for a while, both of us talking to each other quietly, before it was time for my watch. I went over to Frodo. I touched his shoulder softly, and he went to his bed. He was asleep quickly, although it seemed troubled. Aragorn came over, with his blankets. He sat next to me wordlessly, just sitting with me. It irritated me a little. This was precisely why I hadn't wanted anyone to know. I was going to pull my share in the fellowship, regardless. But he shifted, so he was closer to me.

'So, can there be an us?' he asked hesitantly. That surprised me, that apart from the loss of his usual confidence, he seemed vulnerable. I answered with a kiss. We stayed together most of the night, Aragorn sleeping with his head against my chest. Boromir awoke in the early hours, and came to relieve me of my watch. I didn't want to disturb Aragorn, so I slept as I was.

When you want it

It goes way too fast

When you hate it

It always seems to last

But just remember when you think you're free

The crack inside your fucking heart is me

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