Somewhat Damaged
Part Nine
Somewhat Damaged
Part Nine
Fujin sighed, rearranging the books on the shelves. Why couldn’t people be neater while Christmas shopping? Was it a race to see who could be the messiest? She shrugged her lean shoulders, trying to get the kinks out. This was the busiest season, and it was taking its toll on her muscular body. At least her vacation started in two days, and she’d be getting away from this city. Fujin jumped as she felt a light tap on her back.
"Jesus! You scared the shit out of me, Seifer!" Fujin’s reddish eyes glowed with mock rage.
"Sorry." He smiled brightly, planting a friendly kiss on her cheek. He was practically glowing, which made Fujin wary.
"What are you so happy about?"
He sighed happily. "I don’t know…"
"You do know. Tell me."
Seifer just shrugged playfully.
"RAGE."
He laughed, a genuine laugh. "Did the books I ordered for Raijin come in?"
She nodded, her steely hair brushing her collarbone. "Now tell me." She went behind the counter, handing Seifer a box.
"Do you think he’ll like it?"
"It’s Pupurun. Of course he will. Now, tell me, dammit!"
"Zell, Quistis and Selphie are coming up tomorrow."
"Seeing Zell is making you this happy?"
"Not really. I talked to Squall today."
Fujin smiled knowingly. "Ahhhh, I see."
Seifer just smiled. This was the most content Fujin had seen him in a long time. Squall seemed to have a good influence on him, even from a continent away. But a pit of uneasiness grew in her stomach. She knew that things probably would end badly in this Squall situation, and she was afraid that it could shatter what was left of Seifer, killing him entirely.
"Don’t get that look on your face, Fujin."
"What look?" She peered over Seifer’s broad shoulder, sighing in relief as the girl came in for the next shift. "Ah, I’m off. Do you wanna fuckin’ go shopping?"
Seifer nodded, running his fingers through his golden hair. "Whatever."
"You even fucking sound like him."
Seifer just blushed.
They walked in silence along the busy street. Fujin didn’t really feel like talking. She had to make chit chat with all the customers every day, and didn’t feel like discussing the weather.
She stopped in front of the window of Little Mysteries, a shop that specialized in witchcraft and ritualistic paraphernalia. "Oh my fuck!"
Seifer stopped, mid stride. "What?"
"Look at this. It looks just like you!" She pointed her mitten at the doll in the window. It was a voodoo doll, but it was delicately carved, particular detail given to the face, which looked just like Seifer, minus the ribbon scar between his eyes.
"Holy shit! That’s retarded. I have to get one." He went in the store. He picked up two. "Ah, Zell would love this." He paid for it with his bankcard. Seifer hated carrying money around with him.
"When are they coming up?"
"Tomorrow morning. Speaking of which, can I borrow your Jeep? Taking luggage on the bus in a fucking pain in the fucking ass." He smirked. Seifer always found himself swearing more around Fujin. She was like a sailor. Her nickname for Raijin was "fuck head".
Fujin grumbled as her stomach growled loudly. "Can we eat?"
"Huh? Oh, sure. Where?"
"I don’t fucking give a shit. I’d be happy if I was eating dog shit off the ground."
"But it would be on the dirty ground. How about the Honey Garlic Buffet?"
"Why do you like that place so much?"
"Buffet’s are wicked. Come on."
"Fine." The stopped at the bus stop and waited for a ride.
"So, are you going to tell him?"
"Tell who? What are you talking about? What’s going on? Where am I?"
"That’s fucking annoying. Squall."
"Tell Squall what?"
"That you’re in love with him."
Seifer lowered his head to hide the blush that crept up to his cheeks, inflaming his face. "Huh?"
"Don’t fucking even go there. You know what I’m talking about."
"I don’t have a right to tell him. He’s with Rinoa."
"But he’s not happy. He probably feels the same way about you as you do about him."
"I doubt it. Can we drop this?" He sighed in relief as the bus pulled up. When they took their seats, Seifer let his mind wander, thinking about what would happen if he actually told Squall how he felt. All he could see was rejection, and at even the thought, Seifer’s heart constricted painfully.
His mind continued to wander, thinking about the way Squall’s eyes darkened when he was thoughtful, the way his hair always fell into them, the way his stare cut through Seifer’s soul. He began to indulge himself, wondering what Squall would taste like, how soft his lips would be, what they would feel like on his flesh. He pondered how it would feel to cover that lithe body with kisses, to nip at the pale flesh, to hear his name breathlessly whispered as he did as he pleased.
"…what do you think?"
Seifer snapped out of his rather pleasant daydream, Fujin staring at him.
"Uh, yeah."
"See, I knew you’d see it my way."
Seifer began to flip back into his fantasy when the bus screeched to a stop. They got out and began to head towards the smell of food when Seifer stopped dead in his tracks.
"What? I’m hungry."
Seifer just stared at a man ahead of them.
Fujin looked over, confused. He looked kind of familiar. She tried to place him, her mind taking her back to a few raves that they had gone to. "Isn’t that…?"
"Yes." Seifer’s tone was cold. The man was named Phaelan. He had been at some of the functions and bars that Seifer had frequented, and taken quite a liking to him. It had ended with them tangled in meaningless sex. Seifer had done it to try to forget Squall, to punish himself, to try to feel like he belonged. Phaelan had done it because he simply wanted to fuck Seifer and dominate him. When Seifer and realized that this relationship was too destructive and emotionally draining, even for his masochistic tastes, he had broken it off, which did not leave Phaelan feeling very pleased. He had smacked Seifer around, which seemed unusual, given Seifer’s height and strength, but Phaelan was taller and stronger. Now, it was chilly at best between them, shame and hidden rage under Seifer’s skin, open vengeance and hostility under Phaelan’s.
"Well, well. Hello." Phaelan’s voice was thick and deep, laced with poison. He gave Seifer the once over, an appreciative smirk on his face. Seifer was still hot as hell. "You look great."
Seifer just glared at him, his eyes narrowing. "Phaelan."
"Are you still alone?" Phaelan smirked again, running a hand through his jet-black hair.
"Does it matter?"
"Just wondering if whoever you dumped me for had realized what a simpering bitch you are."
Seifer just rolled his eyes, not dignifying Phaelan with a response. "Let’s go, Fujin."
"Lovely to see you again, princess." Phaelan called cattily.
"Fuck…" Fujin trailed off, looking at her friend. His marble features were tense and tight. "Are you okay?"
Seifer let his breath out in one long release. "Fine."
"Are you sure?" Fujin was skeptical. She knew that Seifer took insults and barbs to heart, letting them fracture his already fragile psyche.
"I said I was fine." He opened the door to the restaurant, ushering his friend in. "Let’s just eat."
Fujin reluctantly agreed, but her reddish eyes were still stormy. She wisely decided to let the subject die, at least for now. They basically ate in silence, Fujin making a pig of herself. She was starving. Seifer just lazily picked at his salad, his already small appetite gone.
"Don’t think about him."
Seifer just shrugged, any happiness that he had felt now completely draining from him. Happiness never seemed to stay with him for very long. The words of Phaelan spun in his brain. ‘Are you still alone?’. Seifer had told himself that he deserved to be alone, that nobody could love a monster, a weak willed loser who so easily let himself be manipulated, a complete fraud, a stupid, ugly, pussy who should have been killed years ago. It still hurt, however. The loneliness. It ate away at him every day that he didn’t have someone to talk to, didn’t have someone that would tell him everything would be okay. The nights were the worst. Waking up alone, his bed cold and empty, wanting desperately to feel the warmth of another body next to him, a certain body. He tried to push the pleasant thoughts out of his head. It was torture. Seifer knew that he would never be able to have what he wanted, what he had wanted for the past fifteen years of his life. He didn’t deserve it.
"Seifer?" Fujin was giving him a concerned look. "You haven’t touched your food."
"I’m sorry, Mother." He threw his plastic fork down. "I’m just thinking."
"I bet I can imagine." Fujin trailed off as Seifer gave her a deadly look. His temper had gone into dormancy, but every once and a while, it would rear its ugly head, making Fujin or anyone else feel uneasy and somewhat frightened.
"Are you going to drop it?" A slight hissing had crept into his voice. The tone was still even and calm, but there was wrath underneath of it, giving it a hardened edge.
Fujin nodded, but the look didn’t leave her eyes. She knew she was being bothersome, but she didn’t care. She didn’t want Seifer to crawl back into his shell and waste away. He was finally starting to make progress.
The rest of their meal was eaten in silence. Fujin felt like she was walking on eggshells, not wanting to rouse Seifer’s anger any further. Seifer’s oceanic eyes were stormy with thought and depression. He let his mind wander again, but this time, the fields weren’t as green. He thought of Phaelan’s onyx eyes trailing his body, what it had felt like to have Phaelan inside him. It made the statuesque blonde shudder. That whole experience had been a total mistake. Phaelan gave him the creeps now, made his skin crawl.
"Can we go?" Seifer suddenly felt like curling up in the dark shades of his room. He needed to be alone.
Fujin tucked a lock of steely hair behind her ear. "Sure. Just promise me you’ll consider what I said about telling Squall…"
"Shut up." There was no more anger. Seifer was too weary for that. He already was heading for the door. Fujin had to take large strides to catch up with her much taller friend. She was used to it, however. Raijin was taller than Seifer.
"So, I’ll see you tomorrow night?"
Seifer shook his head, putting on his sunglasses. "Before that. I have to pick up your car… say, tomorrow morning?"
"Right, right. Just don’t let Zell do anything funny in it."
He smirked. "I’ll keep that in mind."
When Seifer had arrived home, he slowly shed his outer layering of clothes, leaving them on a chair. He made his way to his room, curling up in his bed, trying to hide himself among the pillows and blankets. Why did everything have to be so painful, so hard? The simplest staples of human emotion were now tedious to Seifer, having no meaning in his cracking heart. He sighed as his cat, Pussy Galore, crawled in next to him, curling up in the crook of his elbow. He aimlessly stroked the cat’s soft gray fur, falling into a fitful sleep.