Questions Unanswered
Misha's challenge for me. A little Seifer/Squall ficlet on a balcony, where Squall calls Seifer a Drama Queen, and Seifer asks Squall a very important question. I don't think this is exactly what she wanted (sorry!), but here it is anyway...
Questions Unanswered
"Remember that day?"
I snort. "Seifer, I'll never forget that day. Ever. With or without GF's."
"I'm sure it was the crowning moment of our rivalry. The day you broke my heart."
"Don't be so melodramatic," I snap. "I did no such thing." Drama Queen...
"I told you how I felt and you threw my feelings back in my face..."
"No! I never did that!" Even I'm not that heartless.
"You might as well have. You didn't return them."
"I didn't know how I felt."
"You could have said that. You didn't say anything..."
"How is that new?" I turn around and glare at him. "What the hell do you know, Seifer? Do you have of any idea of what you were asking? You wanted me to trust in someone. I didn't trust anyone. I barely trusted myself! You threw my whole world around with that question!"
"Squall, all I wanted..."
"You wanted me."
"I didn't mean it like that!"
"It didn't matter how you meant it. That was how I saw it. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. Wanting me... wanting to be with me, wanting to know me... it was all the same. That meant someone getting close. Seifer, I never let anyone get close!"
"I wanted you to let me!" he shouts.
"But I didn't know what I wanted!" I shout back. "Seifer... I thought I didn't want anything. If I didn't want then I didn't need, and... all I knew was I didn't want to want you!"
"But did you?" he presses quietly.
"I don't know! I... don't know what I felt. Then, at least. You didn't really give me a chance. You stormed away and then I had to talk to Quistis and... and I sat up most of the night just thinking. Thinking about what you said. I was going to go talk to you that next day, but there was no time before the mission. We went to Timber and you followed. And you were your usual arrogant, loudmouthed self. I didn't do much but stare at you. I couldn't do much else, after what you'd asked. You had actually asked me to be with you. I thought you were crazy."
"Well..."
"Don't, Seifer." I sigh, and tilt my head back to look up at the stars. "You left with Edea, so it didn't matter anyway." It's a moot point, right now.
"Yeah, I'll admit that going with her was not one of my more rational decisions."
"You make rational decisions?"
"You make jokes?"
"Touché." Somewhere in the midst of this little exchange we've inched closer. "I just... I finally came up with an answer and you didn't stick around to hear it." I think that's what really ticked me off. That it couldn't have been that important if you couldn't just wait a day.
"What were you going to say?"
"Then? I was going to say no." I see his shoulders slump slightly at my words. I can't help it. I couldn't help it. I was going to react the only way I knew how. Close up tight and not let anyone in, as tempting as it might have been. "Now? Now would be a whole different answer."
Seifer whips around. "Squall...?
"Still want me?" I say seriously. I can't help the mistakes I've made. Certainly can't help the mistakes he's made. There's a chance I'm making a really big mistake right here, right now. Because taken at face value, Seifer and I trying to have any kind of relationship is a laughable idea.
All we've ever done is fight. Two alpha males trying to prove who was better. Pissing matches. Polar opposites that couldn't compromise. He always wanted a rise out of me and all I wanted was for him to leave me alone. But now, having tried a 'normal' relationship with Rinoa, I know that normal isn't always good. She suffocated me. She wanted me to 'open up' and 'let go' and settle down in a nine to five job and raise cute little kids. Which just goes to show she didn't understand a damn thing about me.
Don't think I didn't try to meet other people. I have. Quite a few different people. People I met, people Quistis hooked me up with, people Zell and Irvine and Selphie and half the rest of Garden picked out for me. None of them... I realized I didn't want any of them. I wanted someone to snap me out of my cold spells and my silence but still understand that that was essentially how I acted and who I was. Someone who I could fight with and not worry about hurting. Someone who knew me better than I knew me.
Which, admittedly, is a pretty big order to fill. And Seifer fits it. Seifer fits it perfectly. Fate has come back and bitten me on the ass again. He wanted me and I didn't want him. Now I want him, and I have no idea if he wants me or not.
But Seifer is a man of action, not of words. So instead of just answering my question like a normal person, he pushes off the railing and moves towards me. He grabs my wrist and presses up against me. I swallow slowly. Correction: presses hard up against me. The bar bites into my back but I don't dare to even blink. To me it's within his right to turn me down, to break my heart this time.
"You serious?" One finger comes up to gently trace down my cheek. Whooookay, Squall, you can breathe. Really, you can.
"I don't make jokes, remember?" There, breathing again... "Yes, I'm serious."
He kisses me, and I don't see it coming. If he'd tried to punch me or attack me I'd have seen it a mile away. But kissing... he's kissing me and I had no idea he was going to. Not that I'm complaining. No, what I'm doing is more along the lines of moaning at this point. The frigid Leonheartless, moaning. And... yes, that was a whimper. I whimpered. Oh Hyne. I twist my fingers in Seifer's hair and moan again. Seifer's hands press into the small of my back and so is that damned, fucking railing. Damn it. I'm having a moment, and fate again plays cruel tricks. Well... damn it. I lean forward onto Seifer and put my arms loosely around him. It seems I do have Seifer, after all, and I'll gladly take what I can get. I think... this is my place. This is where I can be happy.
"Why now?" he asks breathlessly. "Just... why?
"I saw the world. And the only thing in it I want is you."
shrugs Happy last day of school, Misha my dear!