Infernal Monologue
Infernal Monologue
Have you ever felt out of place?
Like something put there with no use?
Worthless?
Useless?
Have you ever felt so insecure?
You want to disappear…
You feel so bad with yourself but you don’t know how to put it in words…
So many things you want to say
So many things you want to do…
You’d like someone near you
But you’re afraid of people
You’re afraid to ask
Even the ones you love the most.
Because you don’t want to bother them
Because you feel like a burden for them
And you want to disappear…
So you only talk to yourself
Leaving your friends in peace
Why annoying them with your fucking problems?
You want to be strong, but you’re nothing
You’d like to courageous, but you’re only a coward
You can’t see the truth because you think it’s wrong
You want to see you as the worst
Because the best can’t be true.
So you hide yourself behind a mask
And you’re so pathetic.
* bip *
* bip*
Fucking alarm.
What time is it?
8:00am…
Another great day in the great Balamb Garden…
Attracted by the sound of the rain on the windows, he slowly lift himself from the big but empty bed, and opened the curtains to see an unwelcoming gray sky pouring tons of water on the land.
Even the sky doesn’t like me…
Come on.
You have to act again as the great Commander and Headmaster of Balamb-G, the hero of the Second Sorceress war.
Even if you don’t deserve it…
With that, he dressed himself with his usual leather pants and white shirt. Then went out of his room to go directly in his office.
Another useless day. And all you’ll have to do is to open letters, read reports on missions, write back and play the role of a hero. A fucking annoying job.
Why things have to be like that?
Squall begun his usual duty without paying attention at the world around him, throwing papers now here and now there, reading letters, and going on . He was so accustomed to it that he was working more like a robot by then. When the war ended, Cid decided to retire and give all the work to Squall. It was 6 months now. A lot of things have changed though. They have restored the Garden, and made some modifications.
As he was looking for a pen, Squall realized there was something sharp near his neck.
"You know, Leonhart, you should be more attentive…."
"Fuck off Almasy. What do you want *this* time?"
There was something that Squall found even more annoying than his alarm clock. To be welcomed in his office y the former sorceress knight. In fact, the only way he’d like to see him would be with gag and handcuffs... Chains shouldn’t be too much either...
"Nothing. Just came here cause i couldn’t bear the others anymore. Man. Since i came back, they’re stick on me every day.How the hell do they expect me to become a SeeD if i can’t work on my exams?"
"Because you need to work on it? I though you failled it so often you knew every bit of it by now...
"I know it! It’s just... Hell. I feel a bit nervous about it. You know that if i don’t succeed this time... You’ll kick me out!!"
"So what? Won’t it be marvellous? Free again."
"Free of what? You know I won’t be able to leave by my own anymore. Everybody wants me dead!!!"
"Whatever."
Squall figured out that Seifer would leave if he didn’t pay attention to him anymore.
One Day you’ll be alone.
That’s what you want.
But that’s what you’re afraid of.
Will You Finally Take Your Life In Hand?!?
After awhile, Squall looked up to see that Seifer was still standing in front of him.
"What do you want, Almasy?"
It seemed that Seifer was in an other reality because he jumped at the voice.
"Huh... You see... Uhmmm...Oh Damn. Listen. Can i stay in your office to work on my course again? It won’t take any of your time and i won’t disturb you at all. You won’t even see me... Please?"
Seifer Almasy begging in front of Squall. That was a First...
"Okay. But i don’t want to heard a word coming out from your mouth."
"Thanks Leonhart. You know, you’re not that selfish..."
"Whatever."
The former knigth went in a corner of the room and sit down, putting all his books around him. He begun redaing them and taking notes, without saying anything, leaving Squall at his papers.
People thinks you’re an alien
And you think it too.
Continue like that you’ll never be happy.
But -oh stupid you are- You’re even afraid of happiness.
" Leonhart?"
"What do you want again, Almasy?"
"Just wanted to know if you were okay. You seem pissed off of something..."
"I’m okay."
You want the people you love to be happy.
So you want to disappear from their life...
So they won’t have the burden you are anymore...
"Are you sure?"
"Weren’t you supposed to shut your mouth, Almasy?"
Coward. That’s all you are. Why do you expect people to like you? You’re always making a fool of yourself, always acting like a cold, an heartless bastard...
You have some knowledge but you don’t have any brain!
"You know you should tell somebody if there something wrong..."
"Will you shut up, Almasy!?"
"I just..."
"'You just' nothing! So now leave me the hell alone or i’ll kick your ass out!"
"... ‘Kay.."
You’re really pathetic... Keep going. You’ll never be happy.
People want to help you but you flee away ‘cause you’re afraid to hurt them. You’re nothing but a poor miserable scarried little child who want to hide himself from the world.
You’re stupid.
You’re even afraid of yourself.
You want to be alone but you don’t stand yourself.
How in hell other people could stand you?
"Squall?"
"WHAT?!"
Seifer was standing next to him, his face so close Squall could fell his breath on his face.
"Tell me what’s going wrong"
"There’s nothing wrong. Stop assuming things which don’t exist."
You know the truth but you can’t change.
"Stop lying. Something’s giong wrong in your litlle brain. Tell me what it is."
You don’t to talk about yourself because you think it’s worthless and stupid.
"Oh... Who do you think you are? A psy? Or maybe you can read in my thoughs..."
"No... But i want to know why you’re crying..."
Seifer put his hand on the brunette’s face and wiped all the tears away. He wanted to add something but Squall was no longer near him. He got out of the office running to his dorm as quickly as he could, Seifer running after him and all the students looking at them.
Finally he reached it and closed the door. What to do now? His body was shaking, he couldn’t think straigh.
You don’t want to talk about yourself because you think it’s stupid.
And then you feel stupid.
You get scarred and you began crying.
You’re really stupid.
Seifer was calling him, knocking on the door, trying to open it. But Squall couldn’t move, couldn’t say anything. He could hear the voice of his friends behind it. What to do? He couldn’t stay there... He couldn’t breath... The bathroom. It was the fartest room from the door. It was the only place he could go.
Once in it, he slammed the door shut and closed it with what he could.
Will you ever take off your mask?
"No... I... I can’t ... I... I... Just can’t...I... Just want to be alone... To disappear... Just..."
Coward
"Stop calling me that!! I already know what I am. A stupid coward."
So much thing you should do...
So much things you should say...
"how could I? He’s happy... He won’t be happy with me... I’m nothing but a burden..."
Stupid... You don’t really love him
"I love him! He’s the only one! But i can’t! He’s with Quistis now! What can I do? Kiss him? Tell him the truth? He’ll laugh at me, or get afraid of me and then he’ll leave... And I won’t see him anymore... And what about Quistis? They are happy together... I can’t... I don’t want to hurt them... I shouldn’t... Stay here... I should leave... And leave them the fuck alone... So they’ll be... Happy..."
What are you gonna do? Kill yourself? You’ll hurt them if you do so...
"Shut up and leave me alone!!!!!!"
Seifer finally managed to break the dorm’s door. Squall wasn’t in the living room, nor in his bedroom. There was only one room left. He knock on the door but got no answer. The door was closed. Seifer then realized that the carpet was wet... But it wasn’t water.
The brigth blue had become crimson red.
With no second though, he broke the door with Hyperion’s help.
Squall was lying on the floor, lifeless. Next to his bloodstained hand was something written.
'Sorry'