And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Poe - Haunted

Cloud watched his breath fade, twist and vanish in the windless air, as he made his way through North Corel, down into the older, civilian sections, through the general quarters, and into the heart of the city.

It didn't bother him much now, the bitter cold in the air, though his bare arms were a bit chilled, and he fought the urge to shiver whenever the cool breeze snuck in, blew right down the back of his neck.  The medicine Zack had given him had taken the edge off the fever, and the blonde could function well enough to ignore the rest... the aches and pains... he needed to ignore it.

//... have to... all my strength... everything I have left... to face Heidigger... one final time...//

"Sir."

Cloud threw a salute to the first alert person he had seen all day, a soldier leaning against an open doorway, who quickly straightened up to attention as he passed.  The blonde saw another soldier, just behind the saluting man, watching him curiously, his salute more of a question than a gesture of respect or protocol.  Cloud passed by quickly, but could easily hear their quiet conversation follow him down the road.

"... who was that?"

"Are you stupid?!  That was The General."

"No way... that can't be him..."

"Do you see that great freakin' blade on his back?  Who /else/ could he be, moron?!"

"... huh..."  In the reflection of a window, the fighter could see the perplexed soldier was scratching his head, still watching him closely, "... I thought... huh...  I was sure... I thought he was /taller/."

Cloud couldn't help but grin, shaking his head slightly as he turned the corner. 

//If I had a gil for every time I've heard /that/...//

He sighed, continuing slowly through the town, through the rows upon rows of barracks, businesses and civilian homes that were just starting to wake up for the day.  North Corel was a haven of life, one of a handful left scattered across the Planet, with a thousand different types of people all working, living and surviving together, a mini-Midgar, and most likely even more prosperous than the old ShinRa city in these strange days.

//If I need to know... why I do what I do... all I have to do is look around...//

A woman was nursing her newborn baby, leaning against her kitchen window to catch the warmth of the new sun, staring dreamily into the street.  Cloud caught her eye, and they exchanged a moment of weary, contented connection, a silent greeting, before she turned away, her busy day just beginning...

Further down the street, a group of soldiers were stumbling towards the nearest mess hall, each of them grumbling about their hangovers, the weather, or how much they had lost in some back-alley poker game the night before.  The signs of revelry and celebration were still far from over in the town.  Cloud expected at least one more night of wild madness, men and women guzzling down all the life they could, as quickly as possible, after having it denied to them for so long, and knowing it might not come again.  No doubt, some people in the Wutai districts still hadn't /stopped/, and would continue celebrating through the second day without ever bothering to come up for air.

Cloud looked up into the quiet dawn, past the rooftops of the row of homes in front of him, to the hillside, where the furnaces of the ironworks were already fired up to full, thick columns of heavy smoke ascending slowly, and disappearing into a pastel, watercolor sky.  The blonde could hear the sounds of workers moving towards the coal mines, the clank of steel-on-steel, rough, hard voices that could almost cut the rock on their own...  He passed a group of miners, sitting around a large thermos of steaming coffee, and looked at them just as they saw him.  They exchanged silent nods of acknowledgement, and appreciation, understanding completely, without a single word to break the silence...

//It's what we all know.  Everyone does their part, or no one survives... and you have to do your part, too, Strife... even though it's hard... even though it hurts...//

He was too exhausted to try for anger, or indignation at that thought, or even dread at what was to come.  Cloud could not even feel more than the passing ghost of the sorrow he knew had become a permanent part of him, the pain that had wrapped itself so intimately around his heart. 

In so many ways, it had been just as much cost as benefit to slow down, to /break/ down...  He had allowed himself a moment of respite, of peace, and it was nearly impossible to push for strength now, to remember just why /anything/ was important anymore.

//This... this city... these people... they're worth the price... whatever price I have to pay... whatever it takes...//

He didn't realize he had found his destination, a post for one of the Chocobo mail carriers, until he had reached the front door.  Cloud nodded at the man behind the desk as he walked inside, watched his eyes widen in familiar surprise.

"General, sir!"  Cloud was so tired... so weary of the respect, the /fear/...

//... let it go... let it all go...//

"... do you have a piece of paper... and a pen?"

"Certainly, sir!"  It was impossible not to notice how quickly the man rummaged through drawers, probably too fast, clumsily fumbling for calm in front of his commander, his control only deteriorating as he passed whatever point he had determined he had to complete the task.

Cloud leaned slightly against the counter, listening to the shuffling, muffled hurry beneath the desk, and closed his eyes, taking another deep breath of the morning air, warmed just slightly inside this small room... and he could smell the sawdust, from the corners of the floor, smell the newness in the room, perhaps even the first touch of coal dust at its edges...

Was it always vivid like this, he wondered, was everything so clear, right before the end?

"Did Gemini ever get a hold of you, sir?"

"Eh?" The unexpected question broke the fighter from his reverie.  Cloud took the paper and pen he was handed, but was unable to return the man's smile, watched the soldier's eyes quickly avert from his.

"He came down here earlier, sir... said he needed to find you... something important..."

"Oh."

The blonde was tired... much too tired to think of what he was supposed to say next... or if he was even supposed to say anything... 

Cloud absently folded up the paper, and walked away, didn't know when or if the man behind the counter said goodbye.

       

It didn't matter what Roman had to say, no new development the blonde wasn't already aware of would change the course of the next few hours.

//... I'd know...//

Cloud frowned slightly, searching out the usually powerful, incessant connection in his mind, finding nothing.  Not blankness, or absence, but a general sense of calm, of inaction.  The dissonance was there, of course... that subtle sense of /darkness/, of quiet, growing danger that he had felt from the very beginning... the presence of Jenova within the Planet, but nothing more pronounced, nothing more than a whisper... and the voice of the Planet was now only a whisper itself...

//You did take care of the Fullspawn, though...  Maybe there are no new problems... maybe there won't be for a while.  Are you really complaining, that there hasn't been another tragedy?//  The voice chided him, //... don't worry... I'm sure something will show up, far too soon...//

A horror he could never have expected, something he couldn't prepare for... her sudden blood against the snow, wet on wet, all he had had been sure would never happen again... all he had fought so hard to forget, brought again into crystal clarity... her eyes... too bright... fear... fear and disbelief and such impossible suffering... and the /knowing/... that it was all his fault...

//"Cloud..."//  Her voice, barely a gasp, those brave eyes frightened, confused, at a world that had suddenly turned so cold and unforgiving... //... Cloud... why?//

//STOP IT!!!//

It took everything he had to pull himself away from those memories, but Cloud knew that if he dove into the past, if he let himself go before the inquiry, he would not be able to pull himself out again...

//... there is a time and a place for everything... and it is not here, and it is not now...//

/... but soon enough,/ the blonde thought, laying the piece of paper on the table in front of him.  The thought burst and died, that he would have to relive everything, feel every moment of that torture again.  He could not believe it, even as he moved toward it.  Of course, it wouldn't be the first time...

//... why...?  God, /why/?!//

Cloud had made his way quickly to one of the smaller mess halls, took whatever the hands in front of him had poured into a bowl, ignoring their surprise when they realized who he was.  The blonde found a secluded corner, and did not bother to notice his surroundings in any detail, needing no further distractions to what he already knew would be one of the most difficult days in his life.

//... and from me, that's saying something...//

Cloud didn't look up, one glance had already told him the only soldiers in the building besides himself, a group huddled together in the far corner also nursing their hangovers, had seen him... and were watching him, quick glances, and the same familiar expression, that same curious... fearful... 

//... everyone is afraid of you...//

Cloud's hand trembled just slightly against the page.  He did his best to convince himself it was just from weariness, and kept writing.  He knew there was no way Anjele could order his imprisonment, or execution, not /immediately/, under any conditions, no matter /how/ heinous The General's crimes...

//... and they are... they /are/...//

It would be political suicide for Heidigger to go after Cloud immediately, without a little time to at least let the news circulate, to let the more gruesome details sink in.  Heidigger would never be able to turn the troops quickly enough away from their commander, to create a majority that would follow him instead, not without giving Cloud at least one day, one hour to act... and that was all the blonde would need... to vanish forever.

The letter he wrote now was nothing more than formality, he barely felt the need to write it.  If anyone still cared, after he explained... after he had torn out his soul and handed it to them, if Tifa or Cid or Barret... if anyone still felt even the slightest kindness toward him, then the letter would be their peace, to tell them where he was going, and why.  Not even Reeve really had the authority to challenge him, the document he was now drawing up was a declaration, not a request. 

//I'm going, and I'm sorry... that's all this is...//

Cloud looked at the half-finished note as he picked up the lukewarm potato soup he had been given, with fervent apologies, as breakfast.  The blonde drank deeply, but stopped at the first swallow, and grimaced at the warm liquid that instantly went cool inside his mouth, and congealed, almost rancid it was so salty, sliding down his throat fast enough to nearly make him gag. 

//Maybe I'll just tell him... tell everyone... the /food/ finally got to be too much...//

Cloud quickly set the still almost full bowl aside, and picked up the pen, staring down at the paper.  It was a mere gathering of sentences, but no more was necessary, and a final sentence sealed his intentions completely.  The letter said what he had known, deep down, ever since he had arrived back at North Corel.  After the inquiry, he was going back to the front... where he belonged...

//... and from there, how many days...?  A week?  Maybe two weeks, to reach the Crater?  ... and then... I find Hojo, and it will finally be /over/... I'll end this, on my own, the way I should have done in the first place.  No one else has to suffer.  No one else will die, except Jenova, and Hojo, and me.//

All he had to do was make it through the inquiry... all he had to do...

//Oh,// he thought bitterly, the full weight of it all suddenly crashing down on him, bowing his shoulders forward in bitter grief, //... is /that/ all?//

Somehow, he managed to make it to his feet, though he felt as if all of his joints had rusted together, and he swore he could feel his bones falling apart, cracking and crumbling to dust under the weight of what he had to do.  The blonde could hear the men in the opposite corner as he moved towards the door, the sound of their uniforms rustling slightly as they turned to watch him, but he refused to look up, knowing he would see only fear... always, that fear...

//I can't do this... I /can't/ live like this anymore...//

Sending his tray back to the kitchen via an empty cart, Cloud folded the note into his pocket with one hand, and walked out the door... directly into the path of Anjele Heidigger.

       

Sephiroth heaved himself up easily onto the narrow platform surrounding one of the many water towers that had been built in and around North Corel.  He had always enjoyed high spaces, and this was the closest one /not/ set into the side of mountain. He definitely needed the space around him on all sides, needed to feel the void at his back, of being connected to the Planet by as little as possible.  He didn't know if he could be seen, didn't care... it was silent, and still enough, he could close his eyes and pretend that he was alone... completely isolated from the world...

//... and it /hurts/.//

"Damn it," he muttered, bowing his head forward, burying it in the safety of his arms with a ragged sigh, wishing the cold, the wind that was tugging at him would be strong enough to sweep him away, to take him anywhere... somewhere where he could look at what was happening, his pain, from a distance... just so he didn't have to /feel/ it anymore. 

Sephiroth knew his reputation, knew what everyone assumed, that he was beyond the reach of petty emotion... cold and unshakable, no matter /what/ tried to crack his resolve... indestructible, almost inhuman...

//If only... if only it could be true...//

He remembered so many, from his past, so many people who had seemed to have found the answer, how not to have to /hurt/ anymore, how to rid themselves of all that unnecessary emotion... ShinRa, both father and son... and many of the pit bulls of Midgar, those merciless Turks... and Hojo... God, /definitely/ Hojo...

//How did you do it, you bastard?//

Sephiroth would never, ever call him father.  In his mind, he had none, and only the barest ghost whisper of a mother.  Lucrecia, who had said she loved him... in a dead, dry moment of the distant past,  //How did you manage, you bastard, in a place like Midgar, surrounded by people, to be so alone... and to /want/ that, to aspire to isolation... and to teach me to be like you?//

He didn't know what sickened him more, that Hojo had tried to instill that same sense of superiority, of hatred for the rest of the world in him... or that, ultimately, the man had failed. 

//... set apart from the rest of the world, but not so much that I can't still feel it hurt... weakness... painful, stupid weakness.  Is it really so wrong, to feel like this?//

Of course it was, that answer was obvious.  He was preoccupied with his own problems now, and they kept him from the greater picture, from dealing with or even /caring/ about the war.  The emotions made him weak, and weakness... weakness was something he would never allow.

//This is stupid.  This is nothing but stupid, childish whining from you, a grown /man/... and it will accomplish /nothing/.  Look at the truth, and just name it for what it is.  Zack loves Cloud, and he chose that man over you.  The reasons don't matter.  He wins, you lose.  Deal with it.//

He sighed again, leaning back against the cool tower, letting the solid, near-frozen metal, the support against his back steady him, though even the tower swayed slightly against the wind... the steady tower was really not steady at all...

//... there's nothing steady, nothing sure... and nothing unbreakable... not in this world anyway... not even a SOLDIER... not even me... no matter what I do.//

As the first wave of sorrow had subsided, the question that he had shoved into the back of his mind reappeared, full force, demanding to be heard.  It was actually more a series of questions, a mass of confusing puzzles that he had piled up in the back of his mind, problems without answers, that all seemed to /connect/ somehow...

//What was Aeris talking about? Why does she keep coming to me?//

The flower girl had been frantic, terrified... and there had been something about the lab... he had /been/ there, as if he had drifted into someone else's memory... to see Cloud and Zack...

//Do you think Sephiroth got to go to the Promised Land?//

Emerald eyes snapped open wide, and narrowed immediately, as the question drove into his thoughts in perfect clarity.  He tried to call a few more memories into focus, to link them together like beads on a string, but only that one, Cloud Strife's weak voice, rang out clearly in his mind.

//It doesn't make sense... it doesn't /fit/ anywhere...//

Sephiroth had, of course, assumed that Strife wanted nothing less than to destroy him, to kill quickly and with as much pain as possible the one who had caused him so much agony, who had murdered his friends and loved ones, and tortured him...

//Not then...  maybe later... and maybe /now/ he hates me... but not then...// He frowned, looking towards the sky, ignoring the wide patches of white cotton that drifted by, lost in thought, //... but why?!  I destroyed... /everything/... there was not... from him... there was nothing /more/ I could have done to him...//

He had a vague, absurd idea, that somehow Aeris had shown him that, to underline just how vicious and inhuman his actions had been... to show how much he had to be forgiven for.

//... and does she want me to... what, look after Cloud and Zack then?  Give them my blessings?//  He nearly smiled in bitter fury... his guilt ran deep, but not nearly /that/ deep...

//... it'll be a cold day in Costa Del Sol before I...//

The thought died immediately, as the white-haired man caught a sudden glimpse of movement out of the corner of his eye, and leaned forward slightly on the platform.  He could clearly see Anjele Heidigger, moving quickly down the street, with two larger soldiers walking on his heels.  Sephiroth could see, even from his high perch, that Anjele was moving with deliberate care, his head moving back and forth quickly, pausing for just a moment at the edge of every open doorway.  He appeared to be searching for something... or someone...

//So... making an early morning of it, are we Heidigger?  ... but I wonder, what could have dragged his Highness out of bed at this hour?//

Sephiroth soon got his answer.  Just as Anjele was nearing the end of the street, Cloud Strife stepped out into view.  It was clear by the way both men froze, staring unblinkingly at each other, that Heidigger had found his target, and that Strife was also well aware of whatever it was the other man had planned.  Sephiroth waited, but Zack did not appear behind the blonde, even as Anjele stepped closer, and the white-haired man could hear the scorn, the force and anger in his voice, though not the words, not from this distance...

//Strange... where would he...?  Zack must know, that Anjele could try... just about anything... so where?//

Not even thinking that he was moving towards the man who had all but ripped his heart from his chest, who had unconsciously been deemed, by his more petty, vengeful side, his sworn enemy for eternity, Sephiroth kept his eyes on the unfolding scene... and with incredible, quick grace, half-jumped over the lip of the platform, descended from the water tower... not even noticing that his thoughts were decidedly strange, and amazingly enough, full of an unnamable... concern...

       

"Hello, Anjele."

Cloud didn't know how he had ever managed to be angry at the man standing in front of him now, how he had ever bothered to consider Heidigger a threat in any form.  It was so obvious... so easy to see, how truly frightened the other man was, of /everything/, the fear shivering powerfully beneath the astoundingly thin veneer of cruelty... how hard the blonde official was holding on, clutching at the control he thought he had, and that he thought would be taken away, ripped from his grasp at the first opportunity...

//What would I do with it, Anjele...// Cloud thought dully, //...what would I do with all the power in the world?  It can't give me a life again... it can't give me anything...//

"Leaving, General?"  The other man's voice sounded much too loud, full of unnecessary bluster compared to Cloud's soft tone, "I had /heard/ that you were already gone... that you had run away."

The fighter fought the urge to smile, even laugh openly at the bitterness in the other man's voice, the triumphant anger... as if any of this mattered, as if Anjele's petty politics meant anything at all.  Cloud felt so /old/, to be standing here, being reprimanded by someone like this, someone so naive, who hadn't seen all that he had, done what he had been forced to... with no idea of the sacrifices he had to make...

//You don't know, Anjele... you have no /idea/ what anger is yet, what it means to hate... /no/ idea...//

Cloud could see that both of the men standing behind Anjele were utterly terrified, though they towered over everyone else on the street, including the two blondes.  As he looked up, Cloud could see them shift nervously, and fear flashed across their too-blank faces with every slight move that the blonde fighter made.  Cloud wondered briefly how Anjele had blackmailed these two soldiers into facing their commander like this...

"What's going on, Anjele?" he murmured placidly, fairly sure he already had the answer.

The blonde ignored him, and turned to the man on his right.

"Place General Strife under arrest, for the murder of General Elicia."

The soldier paled, eyes widening in complete disbelief, both at the charge against The General, and at the order he was expected to now perform.  He rocked back slightly on his heels before taking a hesitant step forward.  Cloud calmly held his wrists up, almost pressed together, and watched the man slowly approach him.  As the soldier took the cuffs from his back pocket, his dark eyes locked with The General's glowing blue ones, and he swallowed /hard/.

"I'm sorry, sir..." the man murmured as he took the final few steps, his voice so low it almost didn't reach the air at all, that he nearly swallowed the words instead.  At any moment, Cloud knew, the man expected him to snap, to lash out and end his life with some sudden, unimaginable violence.

"Don't worry, soldier," Cloud murmured back, not moving, "We all do what we have to do in this world."

He supposed, if he had been less tired, if the entire situation didn't seem as if it were happening in some dream, he would have been angry.  Now, it all seemed like an incredibly funny joke, and the slight clicking sound, as the handcuffs tightened around his wrists, the slight fumbling, as the other soldier stepped up and removed the Ultima weapon from his back... all of it only reminded Cloud how symbolic, how useless all of this was, how flimsy the restraints were, how fragile Anjele's power really was... if the other man truly had any at all... and what did it all matter, anyway?

//How can he be this frightened, that he needs to lord his power over me... doesn't he know... doesn't he realize?//

No, Cloud realized, he didn't.  Anjele had no clue... /no one/ knew why the blonde was so calm, that the secrets Cloud kept would ultimately destroy him, destroy /everything/... or that it was the future he had already resigned himself to. 

The end was coming.  There was nothing more Cloud could do that could stop it, and nothing Anjele could do to make it hurt any worse.  The blonde fighter remembered the note in his pocket, and tried to concentrate on it, though he could not feel it, concentrate on remembering that it was his future... the only future he had left to hold on to...

//... just make it through the inquiry... just make it through... just make it through...//

       

For the purposes of displaying his sudden fall from grace to the rest of the soldiers, Anjele really couldn't have chosen a better place to find him, Cloud thought with bitter amusement.  There was really no way to reach any destination without the politician having to parade him through a fairly large part of North Corel, directly along some of the larger, well-populated routes. 

Cloud could already hear murmurs of shock, surprise, outrage rising up around him, from only the handful of steps he had taken, with the two large soldiers moving behind him, and Anjele leading from the front.  Soldiers had appeared almost immediately, at doorways, on balconies, from around corners, watching them walk past in wide-eyed silence.  As soon as they passed, however, Cloud could hear the murmurs, the shocked whispers begin in full.

"... The General?!  What in the..."

"... did he do?  ... happened...?"

The blonde winced, as he heard a reminder he didn't need, the first whisper, the beginning of the end.

"... heard... a rumor... Elicia..."

"... Heidigger just said... so it's /true/?!"

"Sir?!"  A familiar voice, much louder than the flood of whispers that was almost pushing them down the road, and the center of the street was suddenly clear, except for one man, who was staring directly at Cloud.

"Sir?!"  Roman said again, completely confused, "What... what's going on...?"  His eyes flicked back and forth between the general's face and Anjele's, and, completely on instinct, he started to draw his sword.

"What did you have to talk to me about, Roman?" Cloud said loudly, hoping to draw his lieutenant's attention away from what would certainly be a fatal course of action.  Thankfully, Roman seemed to follow, immediately taking his hand from the hilt of his weapon, and reacting as if Cloud were preparing a charge into battle, or planning strategy behind a desk in some official room... not standing before him in handcuffs.

"Uh... one of the platoons, about fifty clicks west of Gongaga... uh, Commander Rude reported in from the town, sir, and said that there was maybe... something going on down that way.  He was getting reports from the scouts, they sounded a little jittery, that things didn't look quite right...

"Things are never quite /right/..." Cloud muttered.  He could almost hear Anjele behind him, getting more furious, as both he and the redhead continued to ignore him completely.  In the midst of the madness, it nearly made him laugh, that Heidigger's control had once again been stripped bare, that the official was forced yet again to realize that /nothing/ was truly in his power, especially when it concerned the war.

//... you shouldn't be too upset, though... it's not really in my power either...//

The two men with Heidigger hadn't made a move towards him either, and Cloud knew they wouldn't, not until he went toward them...

"Keep me informed, Roman... I want an update, anything from Rude, Reno or Elena..." Cloud sighed quietly to himself, angrily.  He hadn't even realized the Turks had left, that they had taken some express route to Gongaga, that they were out fighting once more...

//I'm getting preoccupied here... I /have/ to get back out there...//

He wasn't worried, not yet... No matter how angry the Cetra were at him, no matter how much he had refused to follow their orders in the past, they had always told him when the enemy was coming, always told him where and how to strike Hojo, and always let the Planet guide him.  He knew they knew that the greater battle was more important than any petty, temporary conflict... that they would not let him down now...

//The Planet... the Planet says nothing, says that Gongaga is safe... the Planet says everything is calm... that it's only my own life that's going straight to hell...//

"Uh... sir..."  Roman was once again looking from him to Heidigger, and down, to the handcuffs around his general's wrists, shocked, "... sir, what's...?"

"I gave you an order, Lieutenant.  You're dismissed."

No one would dare argue with the icy, unforgiving anger that snapped through his voice, and the blonde felt slightly ashamed, as Roman flinched, and saluted, clearly shocked at his commander's tone.

"Yes, sir!"

//Sorry, Ro...// Cloud thought sadly, turning back towards his captors, //... but you /don't/ want to be a part of this... hell, /I/ don't want to be a part...//

"What were you talking about?"

The fury in Anjele's voice almost made it shrill, and it pounded through the fighter's left temple like a drill bit, as the other man stepped in close.  Heidigger was so angry, he could barely contain it, could not get past the thought that he might not be a part of what was happening, that he might be left on the outside, powerless...  Cloud almost sympathized, he knew exactly what that felt like...

//... maybe we're more alike than you think, Anjele... you and me... everyone does what they have to... just to hang on to what's almost always nothing at all... nothing worthwhile... fighting for scraps, while the world crumbles beneath our feet...//

"Just playing at war, Anjele..." he murmured softly, "... just playing... nothing to concern yourself with..."

Anjele's eyes flashed.  If Cloud had felt like fighting back, he would have called the other man his enemy... but that place in him was empty, burnt out.  He didn't have the strength to find the hate.

"You're going to hang, Strife," his voice was low and harsh, delivering what he thought was the ultimate threat, "If I can arrange it, I'll be there to kill you myself."

"Please do," Cloud murmured back, barely feeling anything let alone fear, until he looked behind Heidigger, and his blue eyes widened slightly, "... just make sure you do it soon."

The ShinRa official didn't have the chance to think about what Cloud had said, before a furious voice filled the street.

"What the /hell/ do you think you're doing, Heidigger?!"

The near scream rang back and forth off the buildings with the gleaming overtones of temple bells.  Yuffie Kisaragi stormed toward them like a wild Vlakorados in full battle rage, her eyes full of passionate fury, and Vincent only a few steps behind.  The dark haired man's expression was blank as usual, but there was a definite aura of growing anger wrapping around him, almost pulsing through the air. 

Cloud felt his knees go weak, as he caught a glimpse of the third person in the line, momentarily obscured by Vincent's tall profile, the man's crimson cape... but the half-second view was all he needed... just to see one step, and one slight curve of the dark coat, rippling slightly in the wind... everything about the man was a signature of perfection, and his presence instantly defined whatever space he chose to grace.  No one... no one even /walked/ the way Sephiroth walked...

//Of course not... no one else knows they deserve to own the world.//

Cloud locked his legs in place, knowing he was putting all he had into the near impossible... bringing the walls down, erecting barriers with all his strength that still felt paper thin and as fragile as icicles, his fear running through him in full force, scraping across the icy surface of his soul... His heart was once again pounding, threatening to shatter the barriers of illusion, of meager, bare proportions, that had stretched across his weaknesses, and all his necessary lies... One wrong glance, one accidental moment would end it all, just as it had been, every time before... One mistake would be the end of him...

//... can't do this... /can't/...//

Yuffie had the Conformer out, the razor edge holding inches away from Anjele's throat as she raved.  Every once in a while, she used the massive weapon to emphasize her statements, moving the blade even closer, in a string of jerky, homicidal promises.  Anjele's eyes were focused only on the shining edge, hovering ever closer to his unprotected skin, and Cloud doubted if he'd heard even a single word...

"... something like this, what the hell do you think you're /doing/?!  I ought to gut you... worthless little /prick/ I swear you better start praying to every god you've ever heard of... I'm gonna... you..." 

Yuffie slid in to the Wutai language without taking a breath, and now Cloud knew Anjele couldn't understand a thing, although he was amazed at the number of vulgarities the ninja girl could string together.

After a moment of this, Vincent seemed to realize that, if left unrestrained, Yuffie would either never stop swearing at the young Heidigger or finally put the giant throwing star directly /through/ him to end the argument permanently.  The red-clad man stepped up, and quietly slid a restraining hand onto the ninja girl's bare shoulder.  Yuffie got the message, and with a final few, extremely choice words, drew back...

//... I don't even think those would /translate/...// Cloud thought quietly, wanting to laugh again for some reason, though his heart felt as light and free as if it had been cast in solid lead.  The ninja girl's sentiment, trying to protect him, was sweet... bittersweet...  It was hopeless, he knew, all of this, all this protest, everything... and was only thankful that this intrusion had allowed a certain measure of that hopelessness, that thick fog of despair, to sink back into his soul.

"Not only is this a startlingly bad decision, Anjele if you're trying to maintain any sense of security or morale within the ranks... but attempting to tear apart whatever stability you've managed to build up in this army for your own pathetic gains... It's suicide, and breathtakingly insulting to the soldiers who have died for you, the thousands who have died... for /you/..."

Vincent's voice never rose above its low tone, but the soft, deadly anger was a thousand times worse than Yuffie's, his gaze promising tortures the ninja girl couldn't dream of... pitiless nightmares concocted over a lifetime of dreamless, restless sleep, a rage desperate to be unleashed on anyone who dared to face him.  It was a tribute to Anjele's ego that the man managed to remain standing, and didn't run away.

"... I..." Anjele opened his mouth, shut it, and immediately tried again, straightening up slightly, and doing everything in his power to avoid looking the scarlet-clad man in the eye.  "I... he /killed/... he..."

       

"He's right, Vincent. All that he says, all that he's charged me with is true.  You know that, I've said as much myself."

Yuffie couldn't help staring in abject shock, listening to the unbelievable, Cloud /defending/ Anjele Heidigger, his gaze level with hers... those glowing blue eyes alarmingly... no... It wasn't possible, for living windows, portals to the soul, to be so /empty/...

//They're dead...// The ninja girl blinked, felt a chilling horror fill her, the past returning out of the shadows, suddenly, powerfully reborn... and impossibly, inside yet another of the strongest men she had ever known...

//He... he has my father's eyes now... those... dead... those /dead eyes/...//

"Cloud..." Vincent said quietly, not seeing what Yuffie could, not understanding what she already knew, "... you're not serious.  You can't be.  Why are you even playing along with this charade?  Those..." he pointed down at the handcuffs, "... those are nothing to you...  why would you...?"

"Just let it go, Vincent.  Let me go.  I did this... I did what I was arrested for, and I have to be punished... I deserve whatever I get..."

"Cloud..."

The blonde shook his head just slightly, and looked up at his friend with those strange, cold, unblinking eyes.

"I'm going to start walking, Vincent, and you're going to let me pass.  You're going to get out of the way, because I'm tired... too tired to fight you right now..."

"I..."

Ignoring his friend's attempts at further protest, Cloud just stepped forward, as he had promised he would, and, more startled than anyone had ever seen him, Vincent quietly moved out of his way. 

Sephiroth, however, did not.

       

The target... lovely, so lovely... The scent of his prey poured over him in a slick, all-consuming wave, filling every inch of him, and made each cell in his body shake in recognition, quivering as the tension built up... the need to destroy, the need to eliminate... why hadn't he leapt, why wasn't the blonde one's throat already grinding beneath his teeth...?

It paced slightly, in the shadows, nervous agitation increasing the fervor in every step, not a hint of humanity left now, beneath the dirty uniform...

Too many... too many others... too near... too many /guns/... even with his power, too many... needed to confine... to get his prey alone...

... but he /needed/... too strong... the blood... the thrill of the death strike... needed to finish what he had been created for... he must... he /must/... the urge demanded... that he kill NOW..., his bones were creaking, with the force, holding back his true form... breathing shallowly, pulling it back with what was left of the control, the mandate... the waiting... and still... wasn't working, wouldn't last... overwhelming...

The change, coming despite his best intents, shattering human bone, tearing at dead flesh, the fabric of the uniform mangled now beneath the shifting, sharpening bones...

There was no need to hide... not with the goal so close, the warm body within striking distance... so close... needed to... needed to kill... to feast upon that rich blood...

Waiting... each second an eternity... waiting for the moment... red cloak... in the way... daring him to charge... if it moved... /when/ it moved...

//Need...// The emotion a physical thing, lashing through him in white hot, stuttering blazes... //need NOW NOW/NOW/!!!//

A shift... the space of a few inches... the blue uniform, filling his vision... there was nothing... nothing but the feel of his body warping, pushing away from the ground... the light, brighter, as he dove into the opening... perhaps they saw him... didn't matter...

... movement... too late... those blue eyes... welcoming him in... lunging... its body relaxing, in sweet release, the fulfillment of its goal... as its hands stretched out, claws tearing away from the skin... the sweet, beautiful pain, the blood, and the touch, underneath, as it leapt... the prey... the kill... nothing could stop... /nothing/....

       

Sephiroth tried to ignore the feeling, nagging at him from the back of his thoughts, that something was /very/ wrong... that something... nearby... 

//... yes, that would most likely be Cloud Strife, who's probably going to try to beat the shit out of you now....//

He was half surprised that the other man stopped, standing right in front of him, looking at him as if he were a wall, a rock or some other inanimate object.  The blonde was staring directly ahead, eyes seemingly locked on the place where the leather straps of Sephiroth's uniform laced together over his chest, and did not look up as he spoke.

"... what, exactly are you trying to prove with this, Sephiroth?"

Though the blonde hadn't tried to attack him, might not, the threat was still laced tightly through his abnormally soft voice. 

//That damned arrogance again...// the white-haired man thought, trying not to let his teeth grind together when he replied.

"What are /you/ trying to prove, sacrificing yourself? Letting Anjele do whatever he wishes...?"

//If you don't think of yourself, you selfish bastard, think about Zack!  Think about what this will do to /him/, to have you give up so easily, to let someone like Heidigger win this battle, without ever fighting back!?  What will he think he means to you then?!//

The white-haired man desperately wanted to say it, could feel the words rotting in the back of his mouth... but he would not, not in front of Anjele... he would never discuss something so personal in front of ShinRa, for /Zack's/ sake, though with the stubborn blonde he was sorely tempted to... to...

//... just let me get you alone for /five/ minutes, Strife...//

... and he nearly snarled, as the feeling of that strange, terribly /wrong/ presence continued to grow, a building tension that brushed against his muscles and danced at lightning speed up and down his spine, a distraction he did /not/ need now.  He knew he didn't dare take his eyes off Cloud to try and pinpoint the source of his discomfort, sure that the second he did, the other man would immediately attack him... although the blonde, too, seemed preoccupied as well, and was currently staring off to his left, at what appeared to be nothing but an empty wall, a dark, empty corner...

Sephiroth cleared his throat, quickly recapturing the other man's attention , though Cloud would /still/ not look up at him.  Too full of himself, the white-haired man supposed, to extend even that small courtesy...

//... God, he can be the most /annoying/, insufferable... even in the smallest ways...//

"This has /nothing/ to do with you, Sephiroth... stand /aside/..." the blonde's voice wavered slightly, so full of anger, and hate that he could barely contain it...  The white-haired man could not help the slightly sinking feeling that filled him at the sound.  Aeris had been wrong, there was /no/ way... no way they could /ever/ be anything but enemies... no matter what might have been, that was the way Cloud so obviously wanted it now... 

He pitched his voice lower, to where even Vincent would have had a difficult time hearing it, speaking words he had sworn only moments ago that he wouldn't, that he would rather cut out his own tongue than speak...

//... but if we can't reconcile, if we're too busy fighting each other to fight the /war/...  ShinRa will use that fatal weakness, our hatred... and Hojo too... I /know/ it, and I /won't/ live through that past again...//

... and Zack... even if, if it never... the other man was still his friend.  His only friend...

"... if not for me, Cloud... then... for Zack..."

The voice, an incredibly harsh whisper, surprisingly shocked, and equally incredulous blue eyes snapped onto his so fast it took his breath away.

"What did he tell you?!"

Sephiroth didn't answer... he /couldn't/ answer... shocked, as he found himself staring into the deepest, purest twin lakes he had ever seen, more clear than even the mountain waters, the untouched, glacial pools deep in the Wutai mountains.  If anyone else was watching, or speaking, he couldn't hear them... and didn't care... for there was something else, something /right in front of him/ now...

All that mattered was solving the mystery that had unfolded instantly in front of him, inside those eyes... he had to untangle the knot of silence behind those glowing eyes, because he could feel it... some emotion calling out to him... trying to force its way past the silence, trying to make him see... 

The circumstances no longer seemed of any importance... that it was his mortal enemy that he was staring at, for there was not the barest trace of that anger within those eyes... only fear... and that other thing, that silent, hidden sentiment... fighting to reach him, struggling to get through, to let itself be seen, thrashing out beneath the barrier of ice...

//... what?  What is it?  I don't...//

Frustration... and a surprising, sorrowful sense of loss, filled him.  Once again, he simply didn't understand.

Before Sephiroth could speak, could think to break the unknown spell that had been cast, he felt something right behind him, a rush of movement, something coming /fast/...

He turned, in what felt like slow motion, not recognizing what he saw immediately, or even after another second of contemplation...  Human, no... he realized that almost instantly, that it was /not/ human... or at least, not /anymore/... 

The rush of adrenaline that flooded through him brought him back completely to the real world, with a screaming speed that nearly made him ill, the shocking sensation compounded by the feeling of darkness, brutally strong now, twisted energy that was nearly caving his mind in... and he forced himself to focus...

//Jenova... that thing feels like...//

He had his hand on the hilt of the Masamune as he saw claws extending, impossibly long, driving with silky, sickening ease from the distended, dead gray flesh... and he was drawing the blade, preparing to defend, when a strong hand on his chest pushed him back, hard, shoving him fully out of the monster's path. 

Sephiroth caught himself almost immediately, but not soon enough to do anything, as Cloud, who had pushed him out of the way, fell backward, directly beneath the creature's slashing claws. 

       

Falling... falling forever, as he fought to keep those claws from slicing through all his limbs, and suddenly shocked, feeling hands come out of nowhere, wrapping around his throat so tightly they nearly crushed his Adam's apple outright...

There was no time, no memory in the space between when he was falling and when the creature was attacking...

So familiar, he barely needed to think about it, /couldn't/ think, his body reacting to the creature's attacks... so fast, ...

How had he not seen this coming?  The silence in his mind was startling, though he could not spare enough energy to remember just why. 

He had fought them like this before, his dead soldiers, reborn into Hojo's weapons, but they had never been quite /this/ lethal, not nearly this fast...  The claws came out, to jab at him again, though somehow the arms were still choking him... four arms? Six? Eight?  He could see the scythes descending, wondered how he had managed to dodge them this far...

... and perhaps, just for a change, perhaps he should do nothing?  Cloud nearly smiled.  Wouldn't /that/ be a surprise... to stop resisting, and let the monster, whatever it was, gut him, claw him open and end this all?  The pain wouldn't last for more than a few minutes, he was sure... and then... and then...

Free.  Just free... no longer having to feel anything painful or petty or dull or wonderful, no longer having to live in fear... just sweet, unbreakable oblivion...

... and even if he was sent to receive the Cetra's punishment, as they had threatened, and promised, at least someone, somewhere would get some satisfaction... the creature would fulfill its purpose... and it sure wasn't hurting Cloud any... not where it counted...

No.  Damn it.  His body reacted with or without him, turning, fighting, to avoid the razor sharp claws, from both directions, feeling the cool air as they sliced his shirt but didn't touch his skin, though the hands around his neck were still squeezing, tighter and tighter, and painful, as if someone were driving nails through the center of his throat...  He was only grateful that the previous marks, the ones Aeris had left, seemed to have fully healed...

//Not yet, Hojo...//

The thought was tired, exhausted beyond all reason, and there was no pride in it, though the words should have been proud, confident and strong, as strong as the first kick that loosened the creature's grip, or the second that sent it flying away, and he pulled his hands apart, instantly snapping the handcuff chain as the creature barely staggered back, and lunged forward at him without pause.

//If the Fullspawn couldn't kill me, I can't lose now... not to something /this/ pathetic...//

       

Vincent had the Death Penalty drawn, loaded and ready to fire, but was standing frozen next to Yuffie, who kept moving the Conformer in and out of a throwing position, astonished by the speed of the fight taking place in front of them, unable to intervene. 

The creature had caught itself after the blonde had driven it away, turned almost in midair, and lunged back at Cloud before the ninja girl could draw a breath.  The blonde fighter didn't have his sword, and the short knife, his only weapon, pulled from some hidden sheath, seemed to do almost no damage against the twisted, dark creature.  It no longer looked human at all, resembling little more than a wire sculpture of teeth and claws tied together with dark sinew, the remains of decaying flesh beneath the tattered uniform, and bone-lined, empty eye sockets that somehow, still could see.  Getting the sword back to Cloud was impossible, for the same reason neither she nor Vincent dared to take a shot at the monster...

//... too fast... it's so /fast/...//

Yuffie couldn't follow the furious exchange of blows, Cloud and the creature almost no more than blue and black blurs, could see Vincent out of the corner of her eye, his finger tight on the trigger, but not able to fire, not willing to risk it...

Seconds... only seconds had passed, but this battle was taking place in near-alternate time, a fight caught in fast-forward... and by the time anyone could react... if only a half-minute passed before someone helped, Yuffie thought, it would be too late. 

The ninja girl turned sharply, white-on-black motion out of the corner of her eye, but she was not quick enough to catch the signal Sephiroth made... the one that Vincent /did/ see... that the red-cloaked man responded to instantly.

With all his skill, the monster was still moving too quickly, and there was no way for him to line up a fatal shot.  Instead, Vincent pulled his aim slightly, too high, not lethal, and fired.  It tore into the monster's left shoulder just as one claw came around in a vicious swipe and sent Cloud to the ground.  Yuffie took a breath, to yell to the man holding the blonde's sword, to give Cloud his weapon, that it was the only opening they would get...

... because she had forgotten.  In the battle at Rocket Town, she had been on the other side of the field, and there had been no reminder... and she had forgotten just how fast Sephiroth could move, how quickly he could go from frozen inaction, to motion, to standing behind the enemy, with black blood on the end of the blade.

Yuffie swore she didn't blink, that the drops of blood from Vincent's shot hadn't even hit the ground by the time Sephiroth had cut the monster in two.  The creature didn't even stagger, stood unmoving, before simply toppling, in two to the ground, its dark, poisoned blood making a widening pool beneath the remains of its body, the grass withering and dying underneath the acidic touch. 

The ninja girl watched, as Sephiroth flicked the residue off the edge of the Masamune, his back turned, as he had been ever since his stroke had cut the beast down.  He didn't need to look, to see that he had won, that the enemy had been destroyed.

The angel of death, dark-clad and merciless.  Yuffie wondered, for a moment, how her father could not have been afraid to face this man, that he must have been truly lost, truly without hope, to challenge this man to a fight... 

//... even as an ally, he feels like an enemy.//

       

//Interesting...//

Of course, he had heard the stories, had read all the reports, of all the monsters Hojo had been bringing to life from inside his new lab at the Northern Crater, all the corpses he had taken, the "secret agents" that had been built, designed to infiltrate as deep as possible into ShinRa territory, and then cause as much damage as they could before being killed or self-destructing.  It was good to see one so close, Sephiroth thought, filing away every detail of speed and movement, and the surprising range of motion, in the chance that he ever ran into one again...

//A likely chance... very likely...//

He turned, already sure of what he would see.  Vincent and Yuffie looked the least shocked, the former returning the Death Penalty quietly to its holster.  Sephiroth was impressed by the former Turk, glad that ShinRa incompetence didn't extend throughout /every/ level of fighter below the SOLDIER, that at least some others weren't completely inept.

//Speaking of...//

Anjele looked... stunned.  No, not merely stunned, but as if the slightest push would tip him right over.  He was watching a few final bubbles rise up, the monster's final gasping breath, perhaps...

//So... it seems to take them a long time to die as well...// Another important fact to remember, more so than Anjele's shock... that even when Sephiroth finally moved, Heidigger's gaze did not waver from the corpse at Cloud's feet.

//Strife...//

The fighter should have been on his feet, this small battle should have been nothing for him after the things he had seen... and the look on his face wasn't one of shock, or surprise, or fear...  Sephiroth felt a small twinge of curiosity, and something he couldn't pinpoint immediately, as the blonde's eyes closed for a moment, something eerily powerful passed across his face...

... but Sephiroth didn't think about that, as he finally realized what his own feeling was: concern.  Confusion and concern, for the blonde... and, of course, this had not been the first time.

//Nonsense,// Sephiroth said, brushing it aside, even as he stepped closer, and, unthinking, held out his hand to help Cloud to his feet.

The action was reflexive, and that alone stopped him cold, that he had moved without thinking, to help Cloud.  Sephiroth didn't see if the blonde reacted, or how, too busy staring dumbly at his own hand, once again in a position he had promised himself he would never return to, where he didn't understand exactly what was going on at all times, where every feeling wasn't his own, wasn't defined, and always understood.

//What. The Hell. Is Going. ON?!//

Of course, by the time he met Cloud's eyes, he knew for sure what a part of him had already taken for granted, that the blonde would rather cut his own hand off than accept his help. Cloud quickly got to his feet, brushing aside the offer for assistance without comment, walking back towards Anjele, but the anger that still hovered in the air made the words unnecessary, the aura around the fighter incredibly powerful, and threatening in that power.

Zack had told him once, Sephiroth thought, that the white-haired SOLDIER was much the same, though Sephiroth was sure he had only made use of it in important situations, didn't realize he couldn't escape the silent shadow until the other man had pointed it out...

...that sixth sense reaction of others, to fear him.  The combination of body language and God knew what else, that made him so intimidating, that made him The General... and that seemed to prove that he would be alone forever...

//I read the story, the interviews, everything... I read your life, Cloud... and you said, that you envied me... that you wanted to be like me...//

Life was surprisingly cruel, he thought, to grant such wishes.

"You're bleeding," Sephiroth heard the Yuffie say, and looked up to see Cloud pull away before she could touch him, brushing the thinnest red line from the side of his hand with a distracted frown.

"It's nothing.  I have to go."

       

"Zack...?"

He muttered something insulting, that instead came out unintelligible, and turned away from the annoying voice, snuggling back against the warm blanket... didn't they realize he was tired?  Couldn't they see how comfortable he was?

//... impolite...//

"Zack... wake up..."

He tried to gather the energy to tell the voice to piss off, but even that seemed to be beyond him at the moment... and that seemed /very/ strange... as if there were a wall, a barrier around his consciousness, some force attempting to keep him down...

"Zack, please!"

Fear split the air, that voice pleading with him, and his heart recognized it long before his mind did, the frantic terror in the frightened whisper immediately pushing his thoughts out of sleep, into awareness... but it was harder than he thought it would be, his mind had been jumbled somehow, all of his thoughts sticking together wearily.  It was so hard to think, and as he started feeling parts of his body again, drifting out of sleep, he could get a better feel of /why/, the strange haziness in his mind, a gentle spell, really, hardly obtrusive at...

//... spell... spells can do that... like a... Sleepel... but who would...?//

His hands clenched on empty air, and Zack realized all at once why it felt strange, wrong, and /who/ was missing, as his eyes opened, staring into Tifa's deep brown gaze, her eyes only inches away from his.

"Zack!"  Tifa stepped away as he started to rise.

"Wha... Tifa... what..."  He shook his head, panic replacing all but the most stubborn shreds of sleep, "Cloud... where's Cloud...?!"

"Anjele... he..."  The fighter was frightened, scoring her voice with a high note of fear, "Yuffie told me to come find you, she said maybe you could stop it..."

"The inquisition..." Zack growled, knowing as he spoke it wasn't the right word...

//... but it's the truth... they're going... Anjele's going to try to... tear him apart... that whiny, underhanded son of a...//

"They had him in /handcuffs/... Yuffie said... and there was some monster that tried to attack..."  Tifa helped him to his feet, though Zack didn't really need it, feeling as if he could leap out the door without any effort at all.

//Handcuffs?  Monster?  What the hell... and what... what are you /doing/, Cloud?  ... and for god's sake, why?!//

He had underestimated his blonde friend once again, it seemed, both in his strength and stamina... and in his desire to find whatever sense of justice had already driven him this far, to seek out what he thought to be some deserved punishment...

//He's trying to make Anjele hurt him... he's trying to do this... to make all of us hate him... but /why/?//

He had quickly gathered his things and followed Tifa, they had almost reached the door, when Sephiroth appeared.  Zack's words rushed out on sight.

"What the /hell/ is going on?"

Zack could tell, even as he asked the question, that there was something wrong with the white-haired man, some tension, some problem that hadn't been there before.

//... and I wish I had time to help you, Seph, but I don't... whatever it is, it can /wait/...//

That strange sense of the clock ticking down, of having little time and even fewer options, was bearing down hard on him again.  Zack knew, somehow, that if he didn't act... if he didn't /do/ something...

//... too late... too /late/... how can it feel like it's already over?//

"Anjele has already started the preliminary meeting.  Reeve, Scarlet, and the others are already there..."

Zack nodded, couldn't help but scowl.  Of all the people with a right to do something, who should have stopped this long before Anjele ever had a chance to do anything, out of all of those responsible...

//You /really/ dropped the ball this time, Reeve...//

       

All Reeve knew, sitting in the near silent room, listening to the tape roll inside the video recorder off in the corner, was that somehow, he had /really/ dropped the ball. 

He didn't understand the strange hunger that had appeared in Anjele's gaze in the moments before the questioning had started, and didn't /want/ to understand, knowing only that, no matter what Cloud had said, this should not have started, should not be allowed to continue...

//This is wrong... I just know this is /wrong/...//

Nothing had happened, at least, not yet...  Barret and Cid were here, along with Nanaki, Vincent, and a very pissed-off Yuffie, stewing silently...

Reeve hadn't been able to ask Anjele why, what the point was, why he had invited all of the old AVALANCHE team here when he had been so eager to push them away before.  Scarlet was here as well, looking bored, and her glance would slip to him from time to time, in a pointed question, not just about her presence, but why /any/ of them were there, just what was going on...

"... and how did you know the cloning of Sephiroth had been successful...?"

"The same way I knew the Fullspawn was coming... the Planet told me."

Cloud's voice had been soft, dangerously soft, and his glowing blue eyes did not waver from Anjele's face, cool and emotionless.

The other man laughed slightly, to himself, and Reeve was starting to wonder if either of them remembered that the rest of the room was even there.

"The Planet /told/ you..."  Reeve thought his teeth would curl, at the sarcasm in Heidigger's voice.

"The Cetra told me, actually... They... /interpret/ somewhat, for the Planet... it... it hurts too much, to do it without them."

"Really...?" Snide condescension turned Heidigger's voice to acid, ".../do/ they now?"

"How long do you plan on doing this, Anjele?"  Cloud had turned away for a moment, but looked up sharply, leaning back in his chair, the anger an abrupt shift from the quiet calm of moments before, "why don't you stop dicking around, and get to the point?"

"This /is/ the point, General!  What was going on in your head could mean a lot in determining exactly why you murdered General Elicia!"

"Allegedly," Reeve said softly, already knowing he would be ignored.

"It didn't have anything to do with what was going on in my head, and it didn't have to do with any motive, or explanation," Cloud snarled slightly, pounding his fist slightly against the table.  "I.  Killed.  Her.  Cold blood, no excuses... that's it... that's /all/..."

Anjele opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off as the door swung back against the wall with a loud, solid crack, and Zack nearly lunged through the door, with Tifa and Sephiroth close behind.  Reeve swore he heard Cloud murmur one word, "finally", but he could not be sure over Yuffie's sudden screaming.

"You're here!" the ninja girl yelled, rising to her feet.  With one violent gesture towards Anjele, she looked at Zack in exasperation, "Will you stop this, please?!  He won't listen to me, neither of them... will you just kick Heidigger's ass or something, /please/!?"

Zack seemed all too ready to follow Yuffie's order, rounded on Anjele with explosive intensity.

"This ends now, Anjele... no more questions, no more trial, this is /over/."

Anjele, already standing, took a step forward, prepared to fight to the death, now that victory was once again within his reach.

"By whose authority?!"

"Mine."

"You don't have the..!"

If Anjele thought he could pull rank, he was sorely mistaken.  Zack cut him off well before he could finish protesting.

"Like hell I don't!"

Zack knew Sephiroth would stand with him, and Tifa too, and most likely everyone else in this room, probably even Scarlet...  Anjele was alone with his determination... or at least, Zack thought he was...

"Stop this, Zack.  Just... please, just /stop/..."

The voice, soft and alarmingly faint, tore into Zack with surprising force.  He turned, saw Cloud's eyes pleading with him, not shrouded behind their usual walls, not faking power, or strength, but open, and waiting, and /hurting/...  Zack choked on the rest of his angry words, the sudden disbelief making any new thoughts a thousand times harder to bring to life.

"Cloud... what... why?  You don't need to... Anjele's... he doesn't... you don't owe him anything!  You don't need to tell him shit!  Don't do this... no one's asking you to do this..."

"I have to, Zack.  I know... you want to know about Elly... /everyone/ wants to know... exactly what happened... and it /was/..."  Cloud took a very deep breath, visibly steadying himself before he spoke again, "... it was my fault she died.  I killed her.  I have to do this... and you all... deserve to hear the truth... Elly deserves..."  Again, those blue eyes met his, though Zack already knew what his answer would be.

"Please, Zack.  Please just let me do this... just stop, and sit down, and listen to me.  I don't want to live with it anymore... I can't keep it all inside, and silent... I just /can't/..."

A long, long pause, Cloud silently begging his friend for the last concession the dark-haired SOLDIER ever wanted to make.  Very slowly, Zack nodded, and sat down.

"All right."

       

"... it was... about a year ago..."

He remembered it, because it happened around the same time that the Planet had alerted him, that he had realized that Sephiroth...

... but he could not tell them that, could he?  Cloud absently rubbed one of his thumbs against the side of the handcuff, feeling it bite into the side of his wrist, the pain present, but somehow distant too, as if his arm was not really a part of him anymore.  He wondered, absently, why Anjele hadn't removed them after he had broken the chain.

//Illusions and lies... that's all any of this is anymore... ShinRa power... human hope... it's all meaningless...//

There was a spot of light in the center of the table.  All he had to do was keep looking at it, and he did not have to feel the pain.  He couldn't feel the foreboding... could tell the beginning of the story without having to think about the ending... the... choked... bloody... violent...

//... screaming... nothing but screaming in the silence and you tried and you... she died for it for you you you you killed her you killed you killed you murderer you MONSTER...//

/NO!!! I didn't... I didn't mean to... I didn't... I tried.../

//Cloud.../ That faint, choked whisper, and he could still hear it, in the silent space between every word, at night, every time he closed his eyes... /C-cloud... I...//

//No... no /please/ God no...//

/I.../

They would leave him alone, once he told them what had happened.  Utterly alone, with that memory...

//Just keep looking... just keep watching... look at the light, just watch the light... and you don't have to think... just look... just look...//

It was nearly impossible to shake himself away from the darkness now, to remember the story he had to tell.

"I guess, though... it was even earlier, years ago... the very /first/ time I met her..."

       

// "Leo, would you like to move that truck out of my way NOW or just wait for EROSION to come and take care of it??!!!"

"I'm stuck, General sir...! I mean ma'am..."  Shifting in and out of gear accomplished nothing, the tires continued to spin, only managing to dig themselves deeper into the slick dark muck.

"STOP!!!"

Cloud could hear the near scream of frustration well before he saw the person who had been yelling, walked around the truck to find a woman, covered in nearly twice as much mud as he was, straining against the end of the truck.  He didn't speak before she looked up, and he could see her eyes focus on the circled star at his neck, knew where her eyes would look next...

//... glowing eyes... official uniform... yes, I'm who you think I am... but how much have you heard...?  I don't even know what they told you... not now...//

Without speaking, the woman turned her attention back to the driver.

"GUN IT!!!!"

Cloud realized he was standing directly behind the wheel just before a three foot wave of mud covered him from head to toe, enough to plaster even his rebellious spiky hair flat to his face.  The woman shoved /hard/ against the back bumper of the car, and miraculously, the truck lurched out of the slight hole, and quickly took off down the road, the driver waving one hand out of the window in gratitude.

Cloud found Elicia's eyes finally upon him, gazing at him with absolute disdain in her eyes, and not from his uniform, which was only slightly less muddy than hers.

"Elicia."

He took the hand she offered, shook it firmly.

"... Cloud Strife. General Cloud Strife."

"Oh."

He waited... for anything, any reaction at all, but she simply turned and walked away.//

       

"... she /hated/ me, when we first met..."  Cloud almost laughed, remembering that first meeting, and how she had apologized later, that even after all that time, she had remembered what she had done to him, "Elicia thought I was a green rookie, or some ShinRa punk who had been promoted because I was pretty, that my eyes just got accidentally Mako burned or something... she told me so later...  Elly didn't know me then, at the beginning.  No one knew..."  Tifa turned, could see Cid shaking his head in agreement, the pilot remembering the early secrecy, and his part in the conspiracy.

"We tried to keep everything a secret," Cloud continued, Jenova, and Meteor... everything... but even then, with Nibelheim... and then after the Fullspawn... we started... there was no way... and /I/ started breaking the rumors, telling the truth, long before that...  I didn't want them not to know... all those soldiers, to not know /exactly/ what they were dying for..."

Elicia, of course, had been given an even more thorough story than even the most well-informed soldier.  Over time, Cloud had told her everything...

//Not that it saved her...// The blonde winced, forcing that thought back.  There would be time for that pain later, all the time in the world.  Now, he was the only one left to tell the story of Elicia's life... of what he had known, of who the strong, brave woman had been...

"... did you know her?"  He looked up at Sephiroth for a moment, the impossible gesture easy this time, because he was doing it in her memory, because he wanted to know, if someone else could keep Elicia. alive.  His heart sank as the white-haired man shook his head.

"... she was... what?" He turned to Reeve, not really expecting an answer, "In her late thirties... early forties?  The wife of a high-ranking commander who had avoided... everything that happened in Midgar.  The President didn't like him, had sent him out to some lonely outpost well before it all started...  We found him when the new war began, but he died in a battle, early on, in the very first few weeks... and Elly... she had been in the ShinRa academy, for quite a while, and finally left to marry..."

Reeve nodded slightly.  President ShinRa, while not a total misogynist, was not known for putting women in positions of much power.

"Elly was the one who took up her husband's position after his death, while the battle was raging.  He was dead, and she kept the army together, brought them all the way back... they were one of the few platoons that survived that fight... the battle of..." Cloud paused, "...I don't even remember which one it was now..."

Reeve stepped in, though his voice was cautious, almost timid, "We made her General very soon after the Gongaga Junction maneuver, although before that, she had already gained everything but the official name... Elicia was extremely competent, and had incredible instincts..."

Cloud couldn't help but break back in.

"... and pulled victory from the jaws of defeat, because Heidigger couldn't supply the lines with the correct numbers of soldiers to save his life..."

Anjele turned, but the blonde General merely shrugged, far too bitter to care about his anger.

"Don't worry, Anjele... you're ShinRa, you can't help that you're incompetent."

       

The silence was total when the blonde wasn't speaking, the force of it maddeningly heavy, almost overpowering in the small room, and Cloud didn't dare to look up again, especially not at Zack.  Already, a quick glance had told him exactly what the dark-haired man was thinking, what he was trying to tell the blonde without words, each time their eyes met.

//You don't have to do this, Cloud... you don't have to say anything... you can stop, you can still stop this...//

It was so tempting... so tempting... already, he could feel that demon, that dark thing he had pushed back, buried because he had to go on, he had to fight, trying to resurface... and soon, he would give it full reign, all the power necessary to destroy /everything/, all the scraps and shreds of happiness he had managed to hold on to for so long...  It would be so easy, to let Zack protect him, to let himself fall into those arms again and know he never had to leave... that his secret would be safe... that his friends would always care for him... that he would have some semblance of protection in this dark, cruel time...

//... and all you would have to do, is sacrifice her memory.  Dishonor her death, kill the little part of her that still lives in the truth, smother it with silence, and half-told lies...//

Cloud swallowed hard.  If he started... if... there was no going back... if he...

"It was about a year ago... we had managed to set up some semblance of order... to fight the war, however long it took... Zack was leading a monster campaign through Gongaga, Cosmo Canyon... he had left only a month earlier, but we were already receiving reports... between Wutai and Rocket Town, down along the entire island, the mountains... Hojo's forces were preparing..."

       

// Cloud took the steps in twos, with no idea who would be at the meeting, what he would find.  The Planet, of course, was in turmoil... it had been for years, but he could still tell that Junon had not been breached, that whatever danger had been present, someone had been lucky enough to take care of.

One week... it had only been a week back here at Rocket Town, and already he knew he could not stay.  There were too many people here, and too much comfort, even in the most basic form...  He needed to get back out there, out on another campaign... God, he hoped that was what Reeve would want, would ask of him.  He had hid his injuries very well, had been able to keep Melissa from looking too closely, though a part of him was sure she had known... the damages to his legs, and ribs...

//... bruised, not broken... just bruised, and that will heal in no time...//

He could fight in pain, he could handle Hojo's army no matter what shape he was in, but Cloud knew, whatever happened, that he could /not/ stay here, not in Rocket Town.  Not with what he knew... that somewhere... that out there somewhere, ShinRa science was well on its way to resurrecting what could very well be their destruction...

//Maybe that's what this meeting is for... to tell me... tell me what I already know... that they've started the cloning up again... one last time... the scientist in charge, old and dying, and there will be no others... not again... and this last time... they could still... they could bring her back... but they won't... they won't bring back Aeris... not her...//

It hurt, enough guilt and shame to bury him twice over, to know that, given the choice, he wouldn't have wanted them to bring her back either, not when they were bringing /him/... bringing back... he was... he would be...

Cloud smiled grimly.  After all this, and he couldn't even let himself think the name?

//I would have done anything... anything at all... to save you... Seph...//

The blonde brushed off the errant, unimportant thought as he opened the door to Reeve's makeshift office, his temporary quarters while the new buildings were being constructed.  There was a good chance, Cloud knew, that in a year, even if the procedure worked perfectly, he wouldn't be alive to see the results... that it would probably never even be an issue.

//... we're almost losing ground, with every fight.  Another campaign, and we'll have to work to keep from being pushed back all the way... We're barely holding our own...//

Cloud didn't bother to lie to himself, knew how hard he was pushing already taxed reserves, his /and/ the army's, and that the fighting did not show any signs of easing in the next year... or two years, or three...

...and he knew that even a SOLDIER's body, even with his advanced conditioning, could only hold out so long...

//Risks... Melissa keeps harping on that... that you take too many risks... and she doesn't even know... you don't even report /half/ of what you do...//

He had the vague thought, that, somehow, the idea of his own imminent demise should have been a lot more frightening.

"Ah! Cloud!"

He walked in, remembrances of politeness and even basic human etiquette dulled by nine months in the field, and he did not return the President's welcome.  There was another figure by Reeve's desk, one he recognized almost immediately, though she looked much better out of the mud, and there were a few more strands of silver-gray inside her long, tight braid.

"I'd like to introduce you to General Elicia.  She's been heading up the Del Sol initiative."

"We've met," Cloud murmured, taking the woman's hand.  He could tell she remembered, too, and thought he saw her blush, just slightly, as she returned his firm handshake.  Reeve looked surprised for a moment, but quickly continued...

"First of all," he murmured, throwing Cloud a file, "... we know you recently lost your lieutenant general, and there are a few people that might be good replacements."

Cloud picked up the first picture, shook his head at the bright smile beneath his hand, the redhead's cheerful grin...

//Roman Gemini... hm?//

If it had been up to him, Cloud knew, he wouldn't have bothered, would have just ignored what he had already looked over for several months, and walked on alone...

//... just one more person to have to get close to... just one more person to lose...//

"Now," Reeve said, his voice steadying into surprising seriousness, as he pulled out another set of maps from a file, "... we've been tracking some new patterns, and believe Hojo has set up a lab, or even a series of labs, in the mountains at the lower half of the island..."//

       

"... the South Wutai gambit..." Zack murmured, pulling Cloud out of the past.  The blonde caught his eye for a split second and nodded, seeing the proud determination in his friends eyes, the memories they shared.  Zack had not been a part of the maneuver, but his own battles had been no less dangerous, or costly, were all part of the larger series of ShinRa's strategies, the start of the fourth year of battle, the war that, of course, they could not afford to lose...

"I remember General Elicia, when you were making your way to Wutai, before plowing down the coast..." Yuffie murmured, "... that was suicide, you know?  That whole idea... I thought so then... I /so/ did, and I still think it's insane..."

Cloud grinned slightly at the ninja girl, "... but you had to admit, we had more than a few /months/ before they caught on... before Hojo rallied... they never saw us coming."

       

Cid couldn't help but grin, knowing Cloud was right.  It had been a risk, that opening maneuver, but one well worth taking...

The opening battle at Wutai, the first real strategic assault of the campaign, was almost a direct copy of what had happened much later, at Rocket Town, except without the surprise emergence of a Fullspawn.

//... thank god for small favors...// Cid thought, flipping through the papers beneath his hands absently, wondering why Anjele had distributed them, especially to him, as if the pilot would ever forget that battle... /any/ of the battles in this war.

He had been there, of course, leading the strike from the air on the Highwind, giving strategic support, as always, to the forces on the ground, although Cloud's army didn't seem to need it... somehow, they already seemed to know where to move, where Hojo's forces were most vulnerable, where to move as the tides of battle shifted, to give them the advantage.

He had heard, of course, about The General's ability to do such things, that the man, his friend, had been pulling off one miraculous victory after another, but it hadn't sunk in, until he was looking at it, watching it first hand, seeing the shifts and changes from the air, as Cloud fought the field out from under Hojo's army, who had seemed to have an almost unstoppable advantage at the start.

//The General... I can't believe it... just that punk kid Cloud, right?  Maybe even my friend... I'd sure like to think of him that way, at least... but with /that/ title, with that, now?  ... and I know he deserves nothing less... but still...//

Looking at the charts, the statistics and graphs of casualties and the slow progression of the army over the months did nothing but a disservice, in Cid's mind, to what had actually occurred.  There was no way a set of numbers, or the red line tracing the edge of lower Wutai, the seemingly inexorable movement of General Strife's army, could in any way represent the blood shed, the soldiers that died fighting what had to have seemed, at the time, an almost impossible battle.  There was no way to show, on those documents, the terror or fear, the feeling /he/ had held, much of the time, that there would be no victory in this war, that, more than once, there was no way to fight their way free.  At the time, this moment, this /now/, with a steady North Corel and a Rocket Town that existed at all... he hated to admit that he hadn't been expecting it.

There was no way to show what the numbers meant, that when one out of thirty-seven men came back from a midnight raid, that one man was always Cloud Strife.  That when it happened again, and again, it was always the same man who survived...

That the time of the battles always showed what could only be a steady flow of fighting, battles fought and won, and fought and won, day after day, night after night, with no pause...

... and no moment when Cloud Strife was /not/ the one in command, not the one leading the men to victory... and, on more times than Cid cared to notice, still the only man to return.

//What does that /do/ to a man?  What does it...?// Cid didn't have to finish the thought.  He knew what it would have done to him, knew that if anything, Cloud had even less of a life to hold on to than he did...

       

"... after Wutai, we moved down the coast... /very/ slowly.  Air support was unable to follow us into the mountains..."

Cloud took a deep breath, clenching his hands against his legs, trying not to grit his teeth.  He could not take such a leap... not for what had really happened, for what Anjele really wanted to know...

"... if you look at the records, you'll see that there was only really one army fighting.  Ell-... General Elicia and I attempted to set up a corridor between our two armies, but Hojo's forces were very, /very/ strong... even together, we were barely a match, and only by holding our ground and moving forward combined did we ever stand a chance."

//... here it comes... here it comes...//

/... just look at the light... look at the light, and talk... don't think... don't think... don't think.../

"... It got edgy.  Real edgy.  There were a few battles right at the cusp of... where we could no longer turn back to Wutai, and we were sure someone had been listening in, giving our plans to the enemy...  For whatever reason, there weren't enough com officers on Elly's side of the force who spoke Wutai...  so we worked together, mostly, day and night... to keep everybody alive..."

       

//"ONE, GET YOUR ASS OVER THE RIDGE NOW!!!!"

Cloud screamed the orders over the incoming whistles and screams of shrapnel and the howls of various monsters, most of whom no one had run into before.  The blonde turned, as another wave of monsters crested over the small embankment he and fragments of other platoons had fell behind, trying to set up a defensive line.  One-handed, with his other still on the radio, the blonde took down the two, multi-legged monstrosities that lunged at him, and sent a Fire 3 spell raging down the side of the hill, sweeping over the rest of the assaulting horde.

"ONE!!! ONE, TAKE UP-"

Cloud choked off the rest of that order, and hunched over slightly as the full weight of the vision struck him, as the Cetra told him of another horrible loss.  He slammed one hand over his breastbone, pressed tightly against the horrible, bitter cold that had opened up inside of him, the sound of echoed screaming, the distant pain, so cold... it was so /cold/...

"Strife!!!"  Somehow, Elicia was beside him, her face streaked with blood and grime, a high-powered materia-grenade launcher under one hand, her bloody sword in the other.  "Strife, we've got to get division one..."

"They're gone... they're... all gone" he choked out, forcing his feet to steady themselves, unable to move...  Thankfully, Elicia didn't even ask, not about the men, or about his own condition, just shifted her attention to the next task at hand...

"... there it is..." she pointed out, across the battlefield, where the war was raging, to a long, black spire sticking out of the ground, various pipes built in and around it, flickers of blue electricity dancing from time to time on the casing.  It was startlingly massive... and Cloud wondered vaguely, how in the world Hojo had ever managed to build it, let alone move it... the makeshift, but incredibly damaging mobile Mako reactors... how many more of them there could be...

The Planet, the Cetra, could tell him, and did... Not a number, really, but he could feel the scream of the Planet, the twisting of energies around that horrible wound, the echoes of many, many more...

"We've got to shut it down..."

"How?!"

The blonde watched her, and knew she was following his thinking, right to the letter... to get inside the spire, and blow the whole thing to scrap...

"It's insane! We'd never make it out!!!"  he yelled, knowing he would do it anyway, and watched, as her eyes lit up dangerously bright, and her grip tightened on the gun under her arm.

"This is a crazy world, soldier boy."//

       

"... much more of this, is she and I, than any other regiment, than anyone else..." Cloud murmured, tapping on the sheaf of documents, the history under his fingertips.  "Elly and I... we took out at least half, if not more, of Hojo's mobile reactors... and two of the main ones too, including the one that was credited to the fifth.  They were... they had all died, long before we struck."

Dead.  So many were dead and dying, no matter how hard they had fought, no matter what they tried to do... nothing worked, and Hojo just kept on killing...

//Even now... he's out there somewhere...// Cloud couldn't feel the note in his pocket now, but knew it was there... and with it, he knew he had the strength, or would find the strength to go on...

"Elicia was /amazing/.  I've never seen a leader, the way she... she was so focused, even when..." Cloud fought for the right words, memories of soldier's dying screams in his ears,

"We all just got so /angry/... Vengeance drove us on... it was all just the need for revenge... because no matter what happened... no matter what we tried... we just kept losing men... so many dead soldiers..."

Cloud rubbed his face with his hand, shaking his head,

"... no... we kept losing /boys/... boys and girls and /children/, little kids who had /no/ idea... how bad it was going to be...  None of them signed up... not for... what happened... what happened to them.  We led, and they followed.  Elly had already lost her husband, and I..."

Cloud knew he didn't need to continue that statement.  In one way or another, they all knew at least some of what he had lost.

"... and ... it was Elly and I, because I didn't trust Roman, not for a long time," he murmured, changing the subject. "We never found the spy... maybe they died, but I... we kept security /tight/.  The only person I trusted was Elly... and I think, it might have been the same for her..."

Cloud could see Anjele's eyes lighting up, at each new fact, each new admittance of the blonde's guilt, another point at which he had disobeyed ShinRa, dishonored his position, endangered everyone...  He half wondered if Heidigger expected him to lie, and so was trying to gather together all the other admissions, to prove some greater truth...

//You want it... you really want to know... of course, I'll tell you...//

Oh God, it hurt...

"... I'm sure most of you have heard, that Elicia and I... that, over time, during the campaign..."

       

//He was waiting for her, watched her stumble in the tent, sobs already wracking her body, hunched over, in such anguish, and self-recrimination... It had been horrible, an entire platoon of some of the youngest, green recruits, gone... killed in a surprise attack, a completely unexpected assault after two weeks of constant destruction, in what had finally seemed like a period of respite...

Elicia gasped when he softly called her name, staggered back as if he had struck her, the tears still falling, though she quickly wiped them away, surprised to see him, inside her private quarters...  He had meant to talk to her, about the next move... but now, this was much more important.

"You don't have to hide your tears from me, General..." Cloud murmured softly, knowing what it felt like, to lose the youngest in war, to fail those bright, unsuspecting eyes, those too-young boys and girls who had looked up to their commanders with hero worship and fearless trust, who expected to be protected, believing that if they followed orders, everything would be all right...

It was painful, to watch Elicia sob, as she determinedly tried to keep herself under control, and failed, again and again...  If he hadn't been so tired, if all of this didn't seem like only a dream, a nightmare too horrible to be real, he knew he probably would have been crying too...

Shocking then, how hard it hit him, as she stumbled across the space between them, and flung herself into his arms, weeping brokenly, angrily, completely distraught, at how those she had promised to protect, the lives she had fought for with all her strength, had been so brutally ripped away.

//... she's so warm...//

It had been years, since he had touched another person who wasn't dead or dying, or someone so wounded that they did not feel his presence, that they could not touch him back.  He gasped, as, for the barest split second, Elicia felt like /Tifa/, soft, and steady in his arms, and so gentle... though Elicia was hard, and tough, and her muscles had been tempered, tested just as strongly as Tifa's had, if not more so... there was always that gentleness, that sweet, pure fire, just underneath the skin...

He shivered slightly, hoped she didn't notice, forcing himself not to push her away as she continued to cry, the tears darkening his uniform, sliding down his neck, a few strands of her brown-silver hair sticking to him with those unstoppable tears...  He wouldn't hurt her more now, by distance... not with fears she wouldn't understand... his own strange, impossible fears, that she... that Tifa had joined him somehow...

//Not Tifa... this is /not/ Tifa.  Tifa is safe... safe and distant, and Hojo will never hurt her... You kept her safe... and as long as you win this war, she will be all right.  Hojo will never hurt anyone you care for... not ever again...//

       

"Elicia and I... that our... that we were..." Cloud stared fixedly at the patch of light, the burning flare of a mirrored star in the center of the table, not willing, not /brave/ enough to look up and face anyone, any of his friends, "... that Elicia and I were more than just working partners... more than two Generals, sharing the war..."

       

Darkness.  Pure, and absolute... and he was utterly alone within it... consumed by it.  He whimpered slightly, and shuddered, at the pain even that slight sound cost him, in this never-ending lightless abyss.

"Cloud?"

A voice...  a voice, here?  Cloud struggled, barely able to move, and soon realized it was not just that his body was aching, that his skin almost seemed frozen solid, but that he was being held... he was /tied down/.

//Lab... Hojo... no no no NO NO!!!!//

He struggled harder, ignoring the pain, seeking only to free himself, gasping for dry, painful breaths, that felt as if he were inhaling razorblades, but not caring... needing to free himself... he had to be /free/...  A hand caressed his trembling muscles, his tight, fighting arms, soothing him...

"Cloud, don't! It's all right... everything's all right..."

That voice again... who?  Who...?  He stopped moving, until he could recognize the voice... there was something... he needed to know... the slight rasp, but gentle... more gentle than he had ever remembered her...

"It's me... General Elicia.  It's Elly.  Do you remember me...?"

Trying to speak brought an agony that left him breathless, and, as he recovered, Cloud nodded, though the memory was dim, faded in and out... strength... strength, and pride... and beautiful, because of it...

Thankfully, she seemed to understand, that he was confused, completely disorientated...

"You got hit with some chemical, out on the field during the last assault.  Do you remember?  You barely made it back before you collapsed.  You should be fine... but they're keeping your eyes covered... they said it would be safer that way..."

His lungs burned.  He tried not to cough, but couldn't help it, and curled in on himself as best he could, as red-hot shards of steel slid with blinding speed into his body, ripping through his lungs.  Elicia spoke again, but not to him, and he could not make out the words.  He reached out a hand, sliding it slightly against the bindings, weakly moving his fingers... there had to be... a canteen... something...

"... soon, all right?"  The voice sounded slightly wobbly, and wet. "... you went into some sort of seizure, so they put the restraints on... just to make sure you were safe..."

He tried to ask, for the water he could not seem to find, but never heard his voice... couldn't seem to move the word past the clouds of fire in his lungs...

"Soon... soon... they want to wait until they're sure... that it will be all right... that the chemical won't react badly with water... just hold on... you'll be fine..."

He didn't know, if she moved to stand, or just shifted, but a breathtaking panic filled him anyway, that she would leave him, that he would be alone, and his hand lunged out with blinding speed, finding hers, refusing to let go...

"I won't leave..."

The voice, very close now, speaking with a strong, determined promise, with all the strength and power he had learned she was capable of... all that, for him... and he let his eyes close as her hand slid around his loose grip on her wrist, turned to hold his tightly... and the pain faded... his panic subsided...

"I won't leave you, Cloud... I promise..."

       

"I heard the rumors, about the two of us, from the start.  That we... that we were... romantically involved."

//... don't say it, don't say it, don't say it...// a tiny voice pleaded with him, the part that knew he couldn't bear to lose his friends, to lose /everything/, //... please just shut up... you can still save this... save it... you don't have to... you /don't/...//

Cloud could already hear it, the weight of the admission, breaking Tifa's heart...  Oh, she had loved him... he knew she had... that when she had said it, it had been the truth...

//... and she doesn't even know... not the worst... why she should be grateful, that she wasn't the one...//

That it might have been Tifa, that she could have... in the cold... that the scream could have been hers...

The thought stopped his heart.

Blood... there had been so much blood... and in the silence, in that relentless, never-ending memory, he could still hear it dripping... in the silence after her final scream...

//... do this for Elly... after all you did to her, she deserves to rest in peace... she deserves that they know the truth...//

There was no going back now.  He could almost feel the remains of Tifa's hopes and dreams, already crushed inside his iron-tight fist, didn't have to look up to see what he already knew...  Cloud had never told her, never revealed to her the extent of his lies, things she never thought would be possible, and still, he had managed to hurt her...

//Only you, Strife...// another small voice, still bitter, a lifetime of mistakes, of horrible judgments, and the memories all too clear, //... only you could hurt someone like that... no matter what you try...//

It seemed impossible, but with one short breath, he opened his mouth, and the words came.

"It's the truth.  Elicia and I were lovers.  It started... two months after we set out, to fight our way around the Wutai curve, back up through to Rocket Town..."

       

//Cloud didn't realize how intently he had been listening, until the first scream broke through the silence, louder than he had ever thought possible, so loud that the consecutive gunshot, a last desperate attempt at salvation, seemed no louder.  He jumped, and his hand tensed against his sword, but another hand stopped his, the sword stayed against the ground.

"NO!!! NOOO!!! SOMEBOD-"  The scream lost all coherence, and form, rising higher and higher in uncontrollable agony, before cutting off into a sickening silence.  Cloud doubted if anyone else could hear what he did... the slight snapping of bones, a few low grunts, as the creature positioned the now lifeless corpse, ready to swallow it whole... only slightly broken... Dear God, the pictures in his mind were so /real/, and he knew they were most likely all but perfect copies of what was actually happening...

Darkness had fallen with surprising speed, and the fight had not been close to over when visibility dimmed to zero.  Even Cloud had been unable to see more than a few feet in front of him on the rocky, uneven terrain, with no moon visible through the thickly overcast sky.

The troops had dug a fast trench line, using the slightly elevated land surrounding the slight hills to their advantage.  They were safe enough, the small trenches forming a fairly secure line, and even in the darkness, help would be close by, the line would not break...  but they were low on power, always... and most of Hojo's creatures did not have night vision, not even the slightly heightened perceptions Cloud possessed, so any light would easily give away their position...

... but it had not been a clean escape, a simple, easy retreat.  There had been men who hadn't been able, for whatever reason, to rejoin their squadrons.  As darkness had approached, they had been forced to dig in wherever they could... and Hojo's monsters, the few with night vision, were making a slow, easy meal of those who had been left behind...  There was the occasional gunshot, suicide between the screaming deaths, gruesomely vivid in the otherwise silent night... but most of the soldiers couldn't believe they had no choice... most of them young, Cloud knew, so young...

//... and who could ever believe they were about to die?  That they would never again see the sun rise?!//

"Sir??!! Where are you?! Anyone!! Please... help me!!!"  The voice was shrill, boyish, and absolutely overwhelmed by fear, as all the others had been, still were, knowing the monsters in the dark... that they were /very/ real now... and simply taking their time, enjoying the certain kill.

"Please help me!!! I don't want to die!!! PLEASE!!!"

Cloud's hand had never left his sword, and this time he was on his feet before he could be stopped...  He would /not/ let this happen... he could not...

"Where do you think you're going?!"  Elicia's voice hissed, and as he turned, the blue glow from his eyes highlighted the edge of her features, sending her into a skeletal profile.

"Out there... to save my /men/..." he growled back.

"Those things will /kill/ you!  You can't fight them all, not in this darkness... you don't even know what they /look like/!  As soon as you leave they'll be all over you!  That's what they're waiting for, that's exactly what they want you to do!  If you break the line..."

"I am /not/ going to let those boys /die/ out there, Elly!" he snarled, and turned, freezing as he heard a slight click, in the darkness, something subtle but unforgettable, a sound he had heard a thousand times before.

He turned, to see Elicia's hard eyes once again locked with his, and a gun pointed at his chest.

"So..." he murmured, feeling suddenly unsure of what to say, as if this were something that shouldn't have happened, some strange anomaly in an otherwise predictable future... He, a perfect SOLDIER, being held at gunpoint?

"I know a bullet won't kill you, General, but it will slow you down enough for me to keep you here.  Now /sit down/."

Cloud didn't move.

"Please!  Someone!!!  Help me!!!"  The voice broke off into an unintelligible babble... and then to sickeningly familiar screaming, panic first, then pain... always... for what seemed to be an eternity...

Cloud whirled back towards the darkness, unable to stop from listening... and this time, the creature went /much/ more slowly... and he could hear the gurgling half-cries of the dying soldier go on and on, the choking, broken sounds echoed, out in the darkness of the doomed, and by those in the trenches around him... soldiers crying softly, refusing to break rank, but weeping in quiet despair, knowing they were unable to act, to do anything to spare their comrades in arms any suffering...

"Elicia!"  He couldn't believe she was doing this... took another step forward, heard a slight click... and knew the only thing left for her to do would be fire...

"Sit /down/ Cloud! I /will/ shoot you if I have to."

"... but..."

Cloud gestured towards the darkness, and back at her, the sick horror filling him, as he realized that she would shoot... that he could accomplish nothing... he could do /nothing/, while his soldiers... while they sat out there... waiting to die...

//Innocent... all of them... just as she was innocent... and I couldn't save Aeris then... and I can't do anything now... I... I...//

"... Elly, /please/..."

He could see, now, that her eyes were shining with unshed tears, though they were still adamant, and the gun in her hand didn't waver, continued pointing at him in determination.

"I won't let you die like this, Cloud..." she whispered thickly, the inability to act hurting her just as much as it did him, "You're too important to all of us... we /can't/ afford to lose you now..."

"No..."  He didn't want to hear it, didn't want to be having this conversation while his soldiers were out there, in the darkness, all alone, defenseless and dying.  He could feel his face crumple, a few tears falling, in helpless rage... "... no no no... I'm not... don't /say/ that... I'm not..."

"You are, and you have to live.  They know that... all of them.  That's why you're The General..."

"Stop it," he whispered harshly, one finger pointed like a gun of his own, as if he could silence her forever, "I am not that person... I am not... I have to go out there... I have to... You don't even /know/ me!!!!  You don't... I am /not that person/... I'm not like... I /can't/..."  He caught the breath that hitched in his throat, searching for a way to make her understand, a way for her to see, while all the while his entire body ached for the fight, needed to go out there and rescue his men, do the only thing he had been built for, the only thing that mattered anymore, "... don't you understand, I /can't save you/.  I'm not some great hero!  Don't you know... what I've /done/, who I've /hurt/ in my life...  I can't save /anyone/!"

"You really don't..." she murmured softly, as if to herself, not really to him, "... you can't... and those suicide missions were /real/ for you, weren't they?  You really didn't want to come back..."

Cloud went rigid, at the sound of another high-pitched scream, and felt all the strength go out of his legs in the next second, fell back against the dirt wall of the trench, sliding to the ground.  In the next moment, Elicia was beside him, moving the Ultima weapon out of the way, her arms hot and solid around him, holding him tight...

"Please... I have to go... please... they're /dying/... I have to... Elicia... /please/..."

He couldn't... nothing made sense now, except that somehow she had kept him from his destiny... and yes, he should have gone out there, and fought, and died... he should have /done/ something, but she wouldn't let him... she wouldn't...

"... please..." he choked out, and realized belatedly that he was sobbing.  Elicia only held him closer.

"Shh... shh...."

He jerked in her arms, at another scream from the darkness, and buried his head against her shoulder.  Elicia stroked his hair, pressed as tightly against his body as he was to hers, and murmured what soothing words she could, holding him as he shuddered, as the midnight world continued to die around them.

       

"General...?"

The days had blurred... or perhaps it had only been hours... or years...  Though the enemies changed, the battles somehow remained the same, always seeming to last the same amount of time, containing the exact same battles... he had begun to toy with the idea of simply choreographing a fight to use, so that he didn't have to think about what to do anymore... and the end was always the same, or almost always... he was always alive, and everyone else was always dead.

//... not everyone, stupid, or else you wouldn't have an army anymore...//

... tactically wrong, but it felt right.  Inside, he felt like the last man left alive... the last one left on Earth.

"Elicia?"

Another polite call, into her dimly lit tent, for which he received no response.  Cloud considered knocking, wished whomever had designed the large ShinRa structures had remembered that canvas didn't knock...

Cloud stepped in, slightly amazed at the interior, the comfortable looking bed, the small, portable desk, the small materia-powered heater.  It was all leftover from the old Wutai war days, and all in the same unchanging shade of olive green, but still... it was nice...

Where was his tent?  Where was he sleeping?  Had he slept?  Cloud couldn't remember... couldn't remember much past the current moment, and of course, /now/ was all that mattered anyway...  He had been fighting... only fighting, back through all the days before this, up to now... and now was night, and now was here... but here for...?

The blonde shook his head sharply, as his thoughts threatened to fall apart altogether, forcing himself back into alertness.

//Get a grip, Strife!  You're here now to ask Elicia about the next maneuver, to make sure she wants to drive across on the left flank, try to push them against the ridge...//

This meeting was more a chance to tell her than ask, he knew.  It was rare, /very/ rare, that his word /wasn't/ law, that anyone questioned his unexplained knowledge of the future, his connection, somehow, to the movements of Hojo's forces, to where their weak points lay...

//... they trust me... completely.//  The thought came down on him like heavy cement bags, pushing him down, trying to break him...

"Elly?"  The nickname, though he had used it before, still felt strange on his tongue.  He hadn't asked permission to use it, but she had never complained when he did...

//Still... strange...//

"Elly, are you in here?"

"Just a second, Strife," the voice was firm, yet contained a note of amusement, "... keep your boots on, I'm coming..."

He hadn't thought that there was another room in the already sizable tent, nearly invisible in the shadowy recesses of the wall, until he heard her voice, and didn't see where she came from, until the woman pulled a flap free, one step almost taking her all the way to the center of the room.  He looked down, puzzled, at the metal canister she was shaking in her hands, and looked up, just as surprised, as she laughed.

"You..." the woman giggled, a hand against her mouth to cover the smile, though it didn't work, and soon she was laughing openly.  Cloud tried to follow, though for a moment she was laughing at him, but what... what had he...?

"I've never seen you look like that before.  Puzzled... you looked just like a little puppy or something..."

Elicia was so completely at ease, that it stunned Cloud to silence.  The woman acted as if nothing was wrong, as if she were in some private suite in Midgar, not in the middle of a battlefield, fighting her way into a potential deathtrap, a campaign that could easily be her last.  He couldn't believe it, that this woman could smile so freely, so calmly move about on... whatever task it was she was so intent on finishing...

"... I'm really sorry, Cloud..." Elicia murmured, her voice softer than usual, as she uncapped the top of the black lid on the steel canister, pouring out one watery mixture before adding another and beginning to shake the container again, "... about before... not just the first time we met, but even after... I'm afraid I haven't been very nice to you, most of the time."

He shrugged, surprised she had mentioned it, something he hadn't bothered to pay attention to.  Aside from that first meeting, memorable only in its blatant hostility, enough to make it more funny than hurtful, he really hadn't noticed.  The woman frowned for a moment, perhaps only to herself, and said nothing, continued to turn the canister over and back, over and back.

"What are you doing?"

The woman smiled, raised an eyebrow, her voice a stage whisper, as if divulging some evil, naughty secret.

"Would you believe... photography...?"

He blinked in total surprise, and looked at the collection of glass jars, empty chocobo food canisters, and various cans and bottles with a new level of surprise, realizing that all of them were full of some mixture at one level or another, all mixing to create the strange chemical smell he had noticed, on her, from time to time...  He had dismissed it before... but now... and he had to admit, it really was quite astonishing....

"How?"  he murmured, watching her delighted smile grow at his surprise, "How on Earth do you manage... you can't possibly take all of this /with/ you...?  When do you get the time to...?"

"I take my breaks, Strife, unlike you, who bounces from mission to mission like a pinball, and makes up his own when no one can think of anything."  Elicia's voice had returned to its usual teasing acidity, sharp and direct, "... and I probably /won't/ be able to carry all this crap around much longer, so I may as well get it in while I can."

The woman turned towards the table, and a moment later, a blue manila folder landed neatly in his hands.  Cloud opened it as Elicia turned back, emptying and filling the canister with another unknown substance.  The blonde gently opened the folder, looked down onto a stack of pictures, a universe of vivid colors atop blacks and whites...

//... colors... out here, I forgot all about... colors...//

"That's all hand done, those reds and blues... I can barely process black and white film here..." Elicia murmured, and proudly held up a blue felt-tipped pen.  Cloud couldn't help but grin at her bravado, her determination to keep this complex hobby alive as long as possible...

He sifted through the pictures, of soldiers in strong, steady regiments, surprisingly, of Kalm Town, grassy fields where flowers had spilled, gathered in colorful eddies and pools... peaceful places, this gathering of images...

... and later, smiles, amidst uniforms and the slightly blurred bustle of the cities... Junon, New Midgar, Costa Del Sol... moments of joy in the midst of so much fear, of not knowing what the future might hold... groups of ShinRa soldiers, partying, sitting with friends, family and loved ones, in the hours before they were shipped out... 

Cloud noticed, belatedly, that most of them were wearing naval uniforms, something almost unseen now... after all that had happened... after...

//... after the Fullspawn.  These were all taken before the Fullspawn struck... and these soldiers... they had no idea... none at all.  There was a time, when these pictures were taken, that every one of them thought... that they would live forever.//

Cloud paused, pulled up another picture, an even earlier time, of a brown-haired man, with a short, neatly trimmed beard, and a surprisingly young looking Elicia standing beside him, both of them smiling out at him from the distant past, a span much longer than the simple passage of time...

"Is this your husband?"

Elicia looked up from her work, walked over, and smiled at the ghostly mirror of her photo double, and a husband long since gone.

"Yes.  That's Jacob... that was taken a few months before the battle that he... where he died," Elicia frowned slightly. "His hair wasn't really that color. I never had the time, to get it quite right..."

//A few months...? ... she seems... so much younger...//

He looked up at her, at the lines in her face, the deep creases around her eyes and mouth, and froze as she caught him watching, knew the woman must have guessed what he was thinking.

"War ages everyone..."  Elicia's mouth quirked upward, and just as she had known his thoughts, he knew that she saw the places on his face, where his battle scars and wrinkles, the stresses of his position ought to have been, "... or, almost everyone."

Elicia shrugged, pulled out her canteen, and poured whatever had been inside the canister into another jar, before carefully pouring pure water back inside, shaking the small steel container even more vigorously.

"You should ration that, shouldn't you?" Cloud said softly, "Who knows how much more of it we'll get... We don't know what kind of damage Hojo's managed to do to the mountains..."

One platoon had already crawled back, near Rocket Town, dehydrated nearly to death... unable to drink the poison Hojo had created by tainting the Lifestream as he had, what had remained of the water near the Northern Crater...

Elicia grinned, shaking her head, amused by his pragmatism.

"If we're rational all the time, what's the point of living?  Come on... don't tell me you haven't done anything crazy... anything at all, in the last few weeks?"

The thoughts came unbidden... the last few weeks...

//... taking on an entire herd of some unknown creature of Hojo's, in the dark, confined space of a small mountain cave, with inches to maneuver and the monsters carrying projectiles... leaping across a jagged ravine over a thousand foot drop, on his way to destroy another of the madman's creations... diving blindly into an icy pool from nearly the same height, knowing it was probably filled with poisoned, acid Lifestream, but out of options, as a set of charges blew the entire mountain, and all the creatures inside, down around him...//

"I don't... I've never used a camera," he finally said, unable to put the rest into words.  Elicia laughed slightly, easily recognizing his evasion for what it was, and with a final, short swish of whatever finishing chemical she was using, pulled the reel of film out of the can, sliding her fingers along it, quickly clipping it down at one end, with one of her officer's medals, and clamping the other end to a rope that strung to the center tent post.

Cloud couldn't help but look at the long string of negative images that hung in front of him, little moments of the past, flash frozen into a long, connected strip... It held a surprisingly powerful attraction for him, the idea that the past was something solid, and real, and that he could trace it back so easily, just reach out and touch what was /real/...

...that it was not a series of broken, unconnected events, shattered inside his mind... where some things were true, and others were only in his imagination... remembrances both his and not his, and so many memories to which he had no claim at all, no right to hold as his own...

//... and knowing that... there's a good possibility... that I'm not really /me/ anymore... that Tifa wasn't right, just persuasive... and I don't really... /exist/... anymore...//

"I think I know which ones you're looking at... God, I took those a /long/ time ago..."

Cloud was jolted from his thoughts by Elicia's words, and had no idea what she was talking about at first... until his eyes fell on the middle section of the strip, and he found his own face staring back at him. The shadowy, reversed image was almost frighteningly eerie, his even more alien eyes watching, unblinkingly... a miniature Cloud, turned inside out, frozen forever in time...

"How... when...?"

"It doesn't matter... I don't really remember... but I know I really should have taken them later... when I got to know you better..."  Elicia muttered as she rubbed furiously at her hands with a sliver of soap, rinsing off with almost no water, inside the small side room.

"No.  I'm glad you didn't.  I don't really like my picture taken... I'm not... too into photos..."

A flash of memory, and he was back in Nibelheim, the image razor sharp, clear as yesterday... some hick, asking for a picture...  and Cloud could not imagine why Sephiroth had obliged... why in the world he had... though Zack was, of course, more than ready... always laughing about how good he looked in uniform, how his ego usually got the better of him....

That picture.  If it hadn't been taken... Cloud might have found the strength, to continue the lie.  He could have pushed the truth away for good... and perhaps Tifa would have even let him, if not for that tiny piece of logic, the irritating glimpse of the true past that refused to go away...

"Cloud? You okay?"  Elicia was suddenly standing in front of him, very close, and he backed away from the concern in her eyes.

"I'm fine..."

       

A sudden, slight gasp for air, nearly a sob, broke the silence, and Cloud went dead silent, jerking slightly, as if he had been shot.  Sephiroth didn't even have to turn his head, to see that Tifa Lockheart was fighting for calm, trying very hard not to cry...

//... stupid girl... and you don't think this isn't doing the same to him?  Can't you see, he's /not/ enjoying this...?//

The blind agony in Cloud's eyes, in the shaving of a second where he had looked up at her without meaning to, was unmistakable.  Cloud hadn't wanted to talk, to tell this story, but it was obvious to everyone that Anjele would have been relentless... that the blonde was doing this for the stability of the entire army, doing this only under coercion...

... and that Tifa was there also under force, allowed and even encouraged because Anjele ordered it, because he wanted to hurt Cloud however he could...

//... and what better way, then stripping him of all support?//

... though now it was clear to see that this admission was not what Heidigger had been expecting, he had not wanted to hear of Strife's affections, that he had cared for the person he had supposedly murdered in cold blood...

//... and he did care... that much is plain... Strife /did/ care about General Elicia... it was no simple affair, no meaningless romp, no matter what he says... they were close...//

It threw all his thoughts, all his assumptions into a surprising tail spin yet /again/, and Sephiroth had to admit, with all that he knew, or at least though to be true, that he did not understand this  new twist at /all/.  There were too many unanswered questions, too much that didn't make sense no matter what position he arranged the facts in...

It put Cloud's relationship with Zack into... not into question, exactly... but... did Tifa know about Zack?  Sephiroth had thought, perhaps, Cloud had admitted it to her, but now realized he had been mistaken, with how deep the Strife's admission seemed to have wounded the fighter.  Tifa, obviously, was not one to handle such news lightly, if she could handle it at all.

... and, then, the more important question... did Zack know about Elicia?

No matter what, Sephiroth would have expected something more from his friend than the blank, expressionless silence currently coming from Zack's corner... not Tifa's barely restrained blubbering, of course, but /something/... some subtle reaction, if he and Cloud had been as close as he knew they had to be... as he had /seen/...

Sephiroth ignored any aftershocks that thought brought with it, by focusing only on Cloud Strife, who had once again returned his steady gaze to the tabletop in front of him, absently rubbing at his hand from time to time as he spoke, his voice a steady, increasingly troublesome monotone, chilling in it's unbreakable flatness...  No, he had definitely /not/ wanted to tell his friends, to admit in front of Tifa his relationship with this other woman... but still... Sephiroth knew this was not the true secret, not the ultimate admittance of guilt.

"... I... we..."

Cloud was having a difficult time speaking, and the sentences he did manage to finish were sparse, and halting, and bare giving no flesh to the shadows of the past, allowing none of them passage to any of his memories, to anything private, or personal, between him and the late General...

       

He honestly didn't know how it happened, how the time had suddenly turned into a countdown, that the sentences he normally said were now leading somewhere...  Cloud had noticed nothing, just looking at the pictures, his own face staring back at him, but with eyes more lonely, more devastated than he was sure he had ever allowed his to be... eyes like holes, eerily empty, even with the colors reversed... and what did that mean, then, when you couldn't even look into your own eyes?

Elicia stood next to him, checking the prints, a slight smile on her face as she slid her fingers along the edge... she was saying something, about the process, and though she had scrubbed, he had watched her do it, the scent of developer, of fix and stop bath was still strong beneath the clean, soapy fragrance on her skin.

He said something... about the reason he was here, the importance of the mission... that he needed her to be sure of the position, the way the troops would move... and he took another breath... and then her mouth was on his, the warm, sweet shock driving everything else away for a breathless, endless moment...

       

"It wasn't... it wasn't love."  The words came hard, but he had sworn to tell the truth, everything as it had happened.  "I didn't love her, and she didn't love me.  We said that, to each other, on that first night.  We both knew that, and we agreed to that... before anything... happened.  It wasn't love... but..."

Cloud knew he didn't have the words, had no way to explain it to anyone, because it sounded so /wrong/...  He didn't love her, but they had slept together... but it /had/ meant something... so much... and how he had needed... not just wanted, but /needed/... how they had both needed each other...

"Out there... everything is dead.  The sky is dead, the water is dead... all day, all night, you walk on corpses, and you sleep on corpses... You just /can't/ escape it... and everywhere you go, it's as if everything has already died, any effort you make has already failed... and the whole Planet is dead, there's nothing... everything's already been lost..."

Cloud swallowed hard around the lump in his throat, remembering the cold feeling all too well, the memory strong enough to chill him even now, that horrible, dark numbness he had been unable to drive away, had, for a long time, done his best to simply ignore, to refuse to acknowledge, in the hope that if he didn't, it wouldn't be able to hurt him... He knew... if he didn't let the loneliness in, refused to give it power by giving it a name...

//So cold... why is it always so /cold/...//

One hand reached out absently, scratching the side of his hand, over a wound just received, that was already invisible, completely healed... but for a moment, even that small cut had burned with cold fire...

"It was so /cold/, and lonely... and you started... everyone... /I/ started to forget... why...  Just why... why it mattered at all.  So many... so many /died/, every day... and I couldn't..." Cloud bit his lip, realized he was babbling.  "All we had... was each other... and it was... the only way to remember... that we were even still alive..."

       

Cloud /couldn't/ respond, as she pulled away, didn't know what he was supposed to say or do, and saw the hurt fill her eyes as the moment stretched out, knew she took his silence as rejection, or perhaps something worse.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean..." Elicia moved further away, bringing one hand up in a fist, for a moment, in a futile gesture of frustration, "... God, I'm such an /idiot/!"

"Please... don't.  Elly..." 

He didn't know what to say, what to do, only that watching her suffer... whatever had happened... however he had erred...

"It's me, I know... I... I'm sorry... I don't know... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

"What?!"  The woman rounded on him immediately, not in sorrow, but with more confusion and anger in those eyes than he had ever expected to see, for an apology that had become almost second nature to him... but why was she so angry?  What had had done /now/?

"I'm..."

"Strife, if you say you're sorry one more time, I swear I'll knock your head clean off your neck."

He shut up, didn't move... still not knowing, what he had done, what he should do, and unable to read the look in her eyes.  Was he supposed to leave now?  Did she want him to go, expected him to understand? 

He had never... there had never been a chance... alone in Nibelheim, ostracized in Midgar, five years as nothing but a human lab rat... Hojo's test case, never been a time he had to deal with something like this... matters of the heart.  His heart, he had learned a long time ago, was no longer of any concern.  There had been times... a few, with Tifa, but he had found ways to get her to leave him alone... but those had been building problems between them, he had been given time to plan a way out, wasn't dropped into them without warning...

//... you ran.  You either refused to talk, or you just... ran.//

... and he knew, as Elicia looked at him more closely, took a step toward him, that he wasn't going to be given a chance to get away.

"I'm not asking you to love me, Strife.  I don't love you.  I loved my husband, I will, for the rest of my life... but I can't do this anymore.  I can't..."  That hand again, that fist, raised in such futility, incredible despair, "... I can't live like this... I can't be /alone/ like this... I just /can't/..."  The woman's hand dropped, moved up, and she hugged herself, rubbing her arms, as if she were cold... and Cloud's heart spasmed... had he... had his cold, his sorrow, touched her somehow? Hurt her?

"I know you SOLDIERS... I know you might not be... that you're not /like/ the rest of us, that you don't feel... I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to kiss you..."

"... it hurts," he whispered, unsure of why he was admitting it, why he was telling her anything at all, only that he couldn't seem to stop, "... it hurts, and every day it gets worse... with every soldier that dies, and I'm dying too... inside... and I'm afraid I'm going to wake up one day... and I'm not going to care anymore... I won't even care about caring..."

//... and the green will sweep up... the Cetra will come, because I have lived out my usefulness... they will come, Lifestream in tow, and take me away...//

"... and there won't be anything left, inside of me... except the dark... and the cold..."

The words weren't enough, to describe the emptiness inside, as if he had been hollowed out, an entire dead universe laid to waste inside of him...

Her hand was startlingly hot against his skin, Cloud stumbled back out of pure shock, for he had not seen her approach... lost in the memory, the fear of his future...

"I'm sorry..."  He stammered without thinking, all at once back to the old terror, the first terror...

//... don't ever let them get close to you... all they want is to hurt you... don't ever let /anyone/... don't ever... don't ever...//

//failure... don't even bother to try... hopeless... worthless... you can only /fail/...//

"I can't... Elly, I just can't..."

The woman took a step back on her own, whispering a fractured curse, running one hand through her long, unbound hair.

"It's because of this, isn't it..." she muttered harshly, holding up one tanned, weathered hand.  Cloud watched, but didn't understand.  Her eyes caught his, he could see the anger there, but not at him, as she shook her hand again, before looking away. "God, what is it?  Five years younger... six?  Is it really like that, then?  I really /don't/ belong here... I shouldn't even be...  The Fullspawn... it should have just taken me too..."

"Elly... /no/..."

//Her age?  She thinks I won't... because I think she's /old/?!//

"Please... don't..."  He stepped forward, not feeling any braver, but knowing he had to comfort her, he at least had to set things right.  Very gently, he brushed his hand against the side of her cheek, let it rest there, slowly turning the shining eyes towards him...

"It's not that... it's not that at all... I just... I... you don't know... about me..."

"I know you're beautiful, Strife... Beautiful, and kind, and that you're the closest thing to a friend I've had in years... and I know I /don't/ want to be alone tonight.  I can't... I'll go crazy..."

"Elly..."

The rest of his protest choked off, as she turned her head slightly, planted a slow, careful kiss just over the pulse point on his wrist, her hair brushing slightly against the soft, pale skin along the inside of his arm... before turning her eyes back up to meet his, waiting, /hoping/...

No... he couldn't... because he knew what she thought, why he was so hesitant, so resisting... because he was shy, and didn't trust anyone easily... but that was only half of it, only part of it, and she didn't know...

No... he could not do this to her, could /not/...

//... but she knows you don't love her.  She said she doesn't love you... and do you really want to leave? Can you /really/ leave... and go back out into the cold?//

The chill, the dead of night that promised only pain, only suffering... at the best, a few hours of freezing... of black, bleak oblivion, waking up with his body stiff as iron from the cold, and knowing the future would only bring more... Yes, he could go out to that, as he had a thousand times before... and knew it waited for him with open arms... that it was truly where he belonged...

... or he could stay... for a few moments of stolen warmth, of comfort and pleasure, from someone who wanted to be with him... who wanted nothing more than to touch, and be touched...  Wanted?  With him?  Though Cloud knew Tifa had loved him, that she had said the words, the idea of more, of anything beyond that was still nearly unbelievable, an abstract... not this... not here... not /now/.

Go into the cold... and watch it eat him alive... until there was nothing left for anyone to care for, nothing left that was even worth /killing/...  or stay, stay here with her, and take what she so freely offered...

"I don't want... I don't want to... go back out there, not tonight..." he whispered, nearly choking on the words, and watched the smile grow on her face like a rising sun, and when she stepped closer, the final time, he did not move away.

       

The memories were difficult, he had pushed them away for such a long time, knowing even now, that it was wrong to remember her this way, remember what had happened with any joy.

//If she hadn't... if you hadn't...//

Cloud could feel that his face was hot, dizzyingly so, and he wanted to die from embarrassment, felt like a naive child... no, like a freak show attraction, surrounded by a world of people so normal, so untouched by the problems he had somehow managed to entangle himself in that there was no way he could even explain...  Cid, Vincent, Barret, Zack... hell, even Nanaki probably understood more than he did... how to act... what to /do/...

Thankfully, he knew, all /those/ secrets could stay as his own, that even the sadistic voyeur Anjele could be appeased with a simple, one sentence description...

//We were... lovers... we were lovers...//

... but it had meant so much more than that, really...  even before... before everything that had happened after... even though he had never loved her...

       

Outcast, reject, soldier and test subject.  He had never dated, never touched a man or a woman in anything but camaraderie, and even that only rarely, next to never.  He didn't even fantasize, much... really, what was the point?

//... for he would never... even when he was alive, I knew... It had never been about that... about sex, I had never been /that/ deluded, that Sephiroth would... that he would ever want to... not with... someone like me...//

Of course, Cloud had learned, and knew more than just the basics, the simple "birds and the bees" his mother had blushed and stammered her way through before he had left... and it had been impossible, in a barracks full of young men, surrounded by a city like Midgar, not to be exposed, to pick up, second hand, third hand, every /day/... all kinds of information, both visual and graphic description... Hell, how could he /not/ have come out with a more complete knowledge of sex, of /every/ possible kind, than almost anyone else on the planet?

... but that didn't mean he really knew... knew /anything/ when he was there, in her arms, and all he wanted to do was not to anger her, to displease her... not to fail at this, when she obviously needed him so much, needed knowledge, not ignorance... not the fumbling moves of an amateur... all that he had to offer...

They had made it to the bed, but hadn't undressed, or even laid down.... and Cloud was terrified, that it was all too obvious, that /she/ was kissing him, and he was just /there/, that his hands were painfully clumsy, moving just slightly, almost chastely down against her waist, before falling back... that he didn't know /anything/... had no idea...

"... what's wrong?"  Elicia murmured, and he realized that /yes/, she had noticed that he wasn't returning her slow, careful kisses, that he was rigid, almost motionless in her arms...

"I don't..." he blushed, turning away from her, from that gaze... "I've never..."

//... here it comes... here it comes...//

Cloud steadied himself, to tell her... that he didn't know... that he'd never... and knew it would be only moments before she would start laughing, or simply shove him away, in disgust...

"You've never... been with anyone before?"

Her voice was soft, so soft that it was completely neutral, and he didn't know how she'd reacted.  Cloud slowly shook his head... no, that he hadn't... how /humiliating/...

A soft chuckle, but not the angry, scornful laugh he had been expecting, and before the blonde could look up she was kissing him again, and her hands started to unbutton the upper part of his shirt...

"Well... I haven't exactly kept in practice myself... so we'll just take it... slow and easy, okay?"

Cloud could barely breathe his reply.

       

They had to be quiet.  Elly's tent, although easily one of the largest in the camp, had a neighbor only a few feet away.  Camps were built tight, it was the only way to even feign security.

It was a secret then, a sweet secret between them... and for the first time in a long time, a /very/ long time, Cloud felt warmth of a touch, a gentle caress go further than skin deep... reaching and finding his soul... and the sharp, tearing loneliness, the knife that twisted always, inside... he closed his eyes in sweet relief, as he felt it ease...

Her hands came up, twined around his neck, pulled his mouth to hers...  So warm... it was so warm, and careful, and peaceful with her...

The fading pain, the building pleasure... and relief, stronger this time, washing over him in a pure, cool wave, as he felt his body respond to her, the growing tightness, the wonderful, eager thrill...

He had been so afraid, he had always been afraid, that somehow Hojo had changed him that much, made him such a monster that his body wouldn't remember, wouldn't know what it meant to be human anymore... and he had always been afraid... that somewhere... beyond even his potential as a weapon, /that/ had been Hojo's true intent... to see just how much of the human he could strip away, and what would remain...

It took longer than it should have, was not the smooth, easy passion he remembered from the movies, most definitely not the perfect romantic scene.  More than once, Cloud had to fight past his hesitation, his nervousness... was it all right, to pull away her shirt as she had done to his... to kiss her neck, to return that gentle graze, her tongue in his mouth, with his own?  Should he touch her, or was she supposed to... or was she waiting for him...?

He took the initiative, when she had thrown her shirt aside, to slide his hands underneath her bra... and no, he didn't feel anything truly sublime at the sight of her naked body, didn't feel the attraction he knew the other soldiers must have felt, drooling over their magazines... but with the soft, supple feel of her cupped against his hands, with every touch, each time she murmured in pleasure and pulled closer to him, her hands skillfully returning the favor, sliding down around his waist and sending ripples of quiet lightning up his sides... his shirt, his pants, her pants... yes, this was better... better than the cold, and the darkness... so much better...

Elly paused, with one hand over his pounding heart... and Cloud froze... he didn't know... the look in her eyes... strange, dark and deep...

"You don't have to... Cloud... I know... You don't have to pretend it's me... you can..."

He shook his head fiercely, as he realized what she meant, what she was offering, that he may not have thought of the idea, but wanted... but it was beyond... not just that he didn't love her... but that he didn't have to even be there?  That he didn't... that it didn't matter if she...?

"... but I /am/ here... with you now.  I don't want... I /won't/...  Elly, I'm with /you/."

He didn't know, didn't know if she understood, if he had explained it right... but he leaned closer, as she lay down, drew his body up against hers, and she only smiled, did not move away...  Cloud gasped, as she reached down, shifted on the bed as he moved closer, to help guide him inside of her...

"You like...?"

Cloud didn't trust his voice, just bit his lip hard against another low moan, and nodded.  He could hear her chuckle, at receiving such an answer, before making a small noise of pleasure herself...

... she was so close to him now, and even in the darkness, he could see her smile, the wide, fathomless depths of her eyes in the almost shadow, illuminated only at the edges, light blue, the reflection of his eyes' glow...  So much... this closeness, this human touch, how could he tell her...?

"Thank you... Elly..."  It was difficult to choke the words out, past the waves of incredible sensation... light, but complete... all-consuming...  "... thank you..."

Elly nodded, still smiling, and leaned down against him, rocking slightly, and his body followed hers...  He was pushing up against the growing, shivering feeling, the building, breathless urge... wanting to go forward, just as much as he wanted to rein it in, just a little, that he had to control... still afraid... that if he let go completely, if he didn't care, wasn't careful... that he could hurt her somehow... he had to pull back... he couldn't...

"It's all right, Cloud..."  Her words, gasped out, rustling against the backbeat of the movement,  "... don't stop... it's... /okay/..."  Her eyes held his, so sure, so strong... and he could feel her hands against his, their fingers intertwined, slick with sweat...  and he was pushing higher, the rhythm stronger now... and sweet, so sweet... and she turned away, for a moment, but only to let a slightly louder moan escape into the bedding... both their bodies tense now, completely, as he bowed his head against the side of her neck, groaning himself... Another few, breathless thrusts... he couldn't hold it back, and a twin surge of happiness, beneath the brilliant joy, as he felt her shiver too, and Cloud wasn't sure if release or relief hit him first, or which one held him longest, surged through his blood...

//... still human... still...//

A moment of pure, shared bliss... a proud, defiant cry, raging against the darkness...

Cloud pulled away, almost reluctantly, as soon as he felt he could breathe, could move without shaking.  He turned onto his back, and sagged against the thin mattress, throwing an arm over his eyes...

//Huh.  Wow... that was... and for her too, I think... I felt... and I...//

... and he blinked, and smiled, and /laughed/, slightly, as he realized that, for this moment... the darkness, and the cold... all of it had vanished.  All he felt now was light, filled with brilliant starlight, weightless... and impossibly, unexplainably.... free...

"So that's all it takes, hm, to get a real smile out of you...?"  Elicia murmured, and he realized she was watching him, resting her head against his chest.  He looked down at her, his arm still raised, watched her gaze shift, into something less secure, not as content.

"Do you... want to leave? You don't have to stay."

Cloud didn't bother to answer, but dropped his arm around her, low slung at her waist, and pulled her close to him.  He didn't remember falling asleep, or dreaming, only that, for a while, his world was only a snug, thick, comforting darkness... and, for that night, the feel of her body against his kept the world beyond the tent at bay.

       

"We... the relationship... it lasted for months... before..." he took a breath, pushing the revelation back, even a few more moments. "Two months, or three, whenever we weren't fighting, or preparing... defending... nearly getting ourselves killed..."  Cloud couldn't help the small, defiant grin that welded itself to his face for a moment.  So many times, so many risks, and Hojo had never beaten them...

//... but he beat Elly, didn't he? ... and... he beat you too, in every way that mattered...//

Cloud fought that pain, sharp, stabbing, as if someone had reached inside his chest, taken him by the shoulder blades and /crushed/... He wished... Ro, he had told Ro to warn him, if there was any news... or the Cetra... so far away, why hadn't they...?  Why wouldn't they...?  Why hadn't there been a fight?  A problem... something Reno and the other Turks couldn't handle?  Someone... anyone...  He shivered, bent over just slightly at another short, stabbing pain, this one in his stomach, could tell the aftershock passed across his face.

"Cloud?"  Zack murmured, leaning forward in concern.  The word was all it took, that tiny bit of worry, of caring that he didn't deserve... not after what had happened... after what he had done... to snap him back.

"... she didn't tell me.  I didn't know.  The campaign... we had to take out Hojo's labs... the mobile setup... /everything/...  We had to dig in deep... we knew we couldn't get out, that we had to plow through.  ... and... and... I didn't... so /stupid/... but she never said... I didn't find out... because she knew... I never would have let her... I would have done /anything/ to... to..."

"What are you /talking/ about?" Anjele said harshly, but Cloud barely heard the words, the man's harshness didn't mean a thing, next to what he felt inside...

"... she... there was a week, where she threw up every morning... couldn't keep much down... and I should have known then but I didn't... I didn't know what was wrong... I was worried... there were so many illnesses, they started out slow and then just sucked the life right out of you... or if Hojo had made some /new/ one... or some bug... or..."  Underneath the table, Cloud's hands had a white-knuckle grip on one another, and he could feel himself trembling...

//... look at the light and talk... just look at the light and /tell/ them...//

"I /never/ would have let her... and she knew... and that's why she didn't tell me... she didn't..."

"Tell you what?!" Anjele snapped.  Across the table, unable to take even one more moment of his stupidity, so did Scarlet.

"ELICIA WAS PREGNANT, YOU TWIT!!!"

Author's Notes - $240 worth of pudding

1.  So... anyone want to kick my butt now?  : D  I know I'm really canon-slapping here, but... I don't care.  I usually don't give original characters this much plot time either, but don't worry... she's really dead.  No cameos, I swear. 

2.  Lemons... Lemon-scented... pah.  I suck at 'em, what can I say?

3.  Yes, this is another monster chapter, but I really wanted to have the entire interrogation in one sit.

4.  No, Ro was not Cloud's first second-in-command.  If I ever said otherwise, I didn't mean to.  : )

5. Sorry if there are any more name-change errors in this section... I think I'm getting better at it, but God only knows...

6.  This story was on a disk that rode home next to a can opener with a very large magnet attached to the back... so if there are any problems... I DIDN'T DO IT!!! (can magnets mess up disks or is that just hard drives?)

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