Softly, softly

By RD

       

"I...can't cry anymore. I feel the pain but...the tears won't come."

        (Shinji, Neon Genesis Evangelion)

 


It was a quiet affair, mainly because no-one knew the poor kid. Just me, Gingetsu and the old lady Ko. I considered us friends, of sorts. He'd make tea and we'd all sit and chat. Or Gingetsu would sit in silence, while we chatted. Ran always had so much to talk about. When Oruha was alive, they'd joke around and laugh. She had that effect on everyone. I didn't feel threatened by him.

After all, he was just a boy.

When she died, he didn't laugh so much anymore. Not surprising considering he was living with Mr. Doom-and-Gloom himself. He got old. And I don't mean just mentally, I mean physically too. Not very old, but it was like...I could have sworn he was about twelve when Gingetsu took him in, and last time I saw him, he looked as if he was in his mid-twenties. It creeped me out a little. But at least now, I know why it happened.

After Suu died, I needed answers. I stormed the council and demanded an explanation. And I was told. It seems to make sense now that I've thought about it. I've always felt like Gingetsu and Ran knew things I didn't. I think Ran could read my mind. Not with Oruha. She just had a warmth. A bit unearthly, but ever-so-nice. And Suu...She was just...There. All the time, I could feel her presence. Kind of nice. Kind of like Oruha. Kind of off- putting.

Ran was rather taken with Suu. Gingetsu told me this was because he often saw her in his dreams, even before he'd met her. She watched over him. So the only time they met, they talked like old friends. He was sad too, when she died. He came to her funeral and stood under a black umbrella in the rain. And held Gingetsu's hand tightly. She's not in that grave. But I like to think she is, so that I have something to hold me down. Her grave's next to Oruha's, you know.

So here I am again. I can see their names engraved in the stones, quite close. And then the flowers, below. I need to put some fresh ones on.

But I'm not here for them. I'm here for the kid.

The old lady didn't tell me everything. She didn't tell me Ran would die. Gingetsu told me yesterday, but that was after the fact. His voice was even more monotonous than usual.

He's not wearing his visor. His eyes are white. I never saw them before, even though we've known each other for so long.

I think he's blind.

I wonder if Ran knew that. I wonder if, every morning when Gingetsu woke up, he couldn't see Ran in his arms. So many things I wonder, and can never ask.

I hope to god Gingetsu told the boy he loved him before he died.

And so, the three of us stand, and the rain falls onto the ground, softly, softly. Gingetsu says to me it was raining when they first met. It's cold and I feel numb. And I can't say anything. Do anything. I can't do anything that will make Gingetsu feel like his world isn't gone, just like no-one could for me when Oruha died.

Ko leaves first. She puts a bunch of three-leaf clovers and forget-me-nots on the freshly dug ground. She goes back to her life. Perhaps she will stay unchanged by this. I suppose so. She didn't know him. He was just her experiment.

I find I can't stay any longer either because my chest is starting to hurt. I put my own flowers by the grave. As I pass Gingetsu, my voice still hasn't found me, so all I can do it pat his shoulder a few times before I go.

And as I leave, I can hear his music box playing out Oruha's song. Ran loved that song. Perhaps he's still dancing to it, only we can't see him. I hope Suu can hear it too.

An unbreakable spell.

Why?

A never ending kiss.

Why does this always happen?

An endless dream. Eternal happiness.

...Why does everyone die?

Take me away. Make me happy.

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