Chapter 2... All our heroes are in the pending safety of the wagon, my dear friends. But will it last? Oh my heart trembles at the anxiety surrounding our friends... Inside the wagon, the leader, Barret, aka Bruce Irvin is having a moving talk with his team... (in a low, horny voice) "...and you know, she wears string underwear!" Wedge: Waaahahaha! (horny!) ...wait! What is this! This isn't in the script! Hasn't any of you read the flaming script? Biggs: I READ the script! Jessie: Shuddup, Kossak! Maybe it would be better for our sake to leave the heroes, until the train reaches the safety of the slums... The slums, or sector 8, is a horrible place, my fellows. Not a place of joy, rather a place of grievous sorrow, where poverty and misery mix in equal proportions... that's where our heroes reside and that is where they head, past paupers and dogs... They end up in a dirty bar where behind the counter is a beautiful young woman, we recognise as Mileena (Mileena does that thing with her hair and gets the crowd cheering) Heihachi: What a broad! YES! YES!! Jinrey: Shut up you lecher you! That's my wife! Tired AVALANCE settle on chairs. Bruce kicks a few out in the streets. Then, a little girl runs to him with her hands up... Little girl: Daddy! Daddy! Bruce: Marlene! Audience: AAAAWWW!!! Sob... isn't it amazing, my friends? This hardy man who knows no boundaries, softens as he picks up his young daughter... In that embrace his face softens... Marlene: Daddy, your beard scratches! Tifa-Mileena sways towards Cloud-Kazuya: Hey, gorgeous! (grabs him from the neck and forces him into a kiss. Kazuya is fighting with all he has... Hey! What's this going on!! Kaz: ...mgh..ghh!! GWAH! (pushes himself away, goggle eyed) Mileena: Aren't I supposed to be glad to see him? Me: Not like that you idiot! You should be friendly but not like that! Mileena: He didn't mind... Kazuya is seen in the background, repeatedly spitting and trying to breathe again. Me: Again! And don't forget there's a little girl in the room! Tifa walks out of the bar: Mileena: Kazuya! It's been such a ... long, time! Kazuya sweeps his mouth with the back of his hand... : Grrr... Mileena: What? A flower? For me? Kazuya glares at her: ... NO! Mileena: (pouting) Cloud! Kaz: It's for Marlene! Mel: Hmpf! (Crosses her arms below her breasts...) Bruce: Yo, Tifa baby! Get something for that restless warrior to quench his thirst... something as sweet as you! (leers at Mileena) Mileena looks at Bruce with eyes that kill! Oh my friends, is there tension in the air? There is... It never starts easily in a Role Playing Game... there has to start with a fight... and Cloud-Kazuya wants out of business~ Kaz: With or without my gils! I want to go home and watch the late night news! Bruce: Jeez man, are you always such a bore? Listen to the news... man! Kaz: For your information, as any President respecting himself, I must keep aware of the changes that occur~ Bruce: Yadda yadda yadda. Show some wish for adventure man! Stick with us! Kaz: I don't want to! Biggs: Urrr! Those pinballs don't work! Wedge: You can't make them work, KoooOOOSSAK! Biggs: I cAaaan! Wedge: HAAhahahaha! Bruce (to Kazuya): Man... are you such a bore in bed too? Kaz: Now don't you dare~ Mel: Perhaps he hasn't seen a _real_ woman for a _long_ time! Kaz: Yes, that can TOO be a possibility! (crosses arms and shoots his angriest stare at Mileena!) Mel: Well! Biggs kicks the pinball and lights start tilting out of their mind. Wedge: You broooke it, KooOOOOSSak! Jessie: Oh won't you shut up and read your script! Biggs mumbles and goes to sit on the table with his script. Bruce: I say, let him do as he wants. Will I get my drink? Biggs: /Iii... know... you are... not... that... bad.../" Wedge: Biggs is reading the script, aaaa!!! (ironically) Biggs: Stooop! At least I can read! Wedge: WAAAAAA! Mileena walks up to Kazuya and leans on him with her elbow on his shoulder, teasing his ear. Mel: Don't you ever feel the need for adventure? Kaz: (in a grin that reads 'watch out') Right now I have this need to stick your face on the wall and rub it up and down... Mel: (with desperate longing!): What's stopping you? Audience: o_O Jun: (threateningly!) Honey...! Kazuya turns to Jun with exasperation and forms a clear NO! Bruce: Where's my drink! Kazuya, shaking Mileena away: I'm out. Count me out. This is ridiculous! Mel: Cloud! Oh yes my dear friends... it's all looking grim. Our hero is abandoning the team to its fate, not looking back twice. And what about our desperate friends? Mel: Hmpf! Playing tough! ...better this way! I LOVE men who play hard to get! Tifa spins around and bumps into a _very_ horny Bruce... Bruce: How about men who are hard when you get them? Mel: You are sick! Bruce: Yes, but I'm hard too! (grabs Mileena and carries her on his shoulder) Mel: Hey! Let me down you idiot! Help! HELP! Bruce takes Mileena down and Jessie-Michelle pulls a terrified Marlene close to her. Jessie: Now listen here, this is what a man and a woman do when they fall in love (from the basement Mileena screams helplessly) and this is how they play. When you grow up you will understand what it is they do... Marlene: I don't want to have sex, EVER! A dumpfounded Jessie: ...that's up to you, I guess... Wedge: aaA? AAAAA! (excited, runs to the door to overhear) Biggs: ...you are not... that bad... Let's follow Cloud my dear friends, in his quest among the poor dwellings those miserable people have chosen for themselves... Heih: NOO! Get back in there, I want to see [Beep!]! Jinrey: Heck, heck, heck, what will it do to you, old loser, we all know you can't [beep!] anymore! Heih: Why you [beep] of a [beep-beep], I'll show you if I'm able to [beep!] right now! Please, kind readers, be gentle and mild with our cast. They are fighters, instead of the noble heroes that carried out the original Final Fantasy VII and it is expected from them to show a certain rushness. Not to mention, they were the best cast we could get in such a small price! But let trivialities not bother us and follow our dear Kazuya. He walks around, taking into the surroundings... Talks more to the people... then he returns to Tifa's seventh heaven. This time, no one is there. Cloud walks up to the pinballs... Kaz: What do you know... they don't work. Tifa: ...Cloud? (dangerously. Kazuya looks at her. Her hair is messed up and her clothes are in a bad shape.) Kaz: How appropriate. Mel: Not another word! She walks to him... well, she tries to. Her legs seem to be forced permanently apart... Oh my God! Is she trying to move him? Is she really going to beg him to stay? Mel: It's all your fault! Kazuya snickers: And I was not even there~ Mel: Shut up! (takes off one of her trusted sais and presses it on a _very_ sensitive area of Kazuya's anatomy...) Kaz: ...! Mel: You left me with no other word, off to my demise! You owe me big time, bastard! Kaz: Look, Mileena... I'd like to discuss this with you but in a civilized manner and without the threat~ Mel: Oh yeah?!? Kaz: ... It so happens my friends, that Bruce appears after so long, with joy in his face and a bottle of beer in his hands... Bruce: Well, Kazuya, buddy? You were on your way? Too bad. Don't let me keeping you... The tension my friends! The suspense! Look at the anxiety on Kazuya's face, frantically looking around for help... Kaz: Actually Bruce, I was going to *gasp!* stay a little longer... Bruce: Hmm? You are staying? Kazuya is sweatdropping to the ponderous decision... does he know what great fate his answer may hold? Kaz: By Rayden, I do! Rayden: ! Someone's getting married? Bruce: So... (hey pal, try to act a little!) Are you staying with us, _Cloud_? Mel (hissing): Say no and I'll make kebab out of your precious balls! And I'm being kind, mind you, considering what went through _my_ genitals! Audience: 0_0 Mitzurugi: By Rayden, stop this woman's profanities, there are children! Rayden: STOP calling my name in vain!! Maxi: Shut up! When was Final Fantasy fit for children, anyway? There is too much sexual innuendo, like when in Don Corneo's and the way Cid curses... Hey! Have you found a Cid? Have you found I say? Because I can be blonde too! Me: Maxi, shut up! Maxi: Awright, awright! And you say I'm not underappreciated! Pfah! For the sake of continuation of this parody, I'll silence the rest of Maxi's pointless rattle and complains at my approach, regarding his person... and I will take you back to the Seventh Heaven, where the tension rises. Bruce stares at Kazuya wide eyed, as does Mileena... Kaz: ...allright. Bruce: Uh? Kaz: I said allright, I'll be staying! Mel: THANK YOU! (the sai has disappeared and she has thrown herself around Kazuya's neck). You are so great! Cloud always promised he would be there in my hour of need! (whispered: better not forget that, asshole!) Bruce: Allright! Now let's get on with the play! Next mission is bombing sector seven! Jessie: Waaah! (in joy!) Wedge: WAAAAH! (wildly) Biggs: WAAA... Why am I the last to be mentioned! Wedge: Because you're the laast, KoOOOSSAK! Biggs: AAAAARRRGGGG!!! And so it happened that the first team of resistance was formed! My dear ladies and kind gentlemen, do not fear, for the good will triumph now that our heroes have united their forces! They vow to stick together, for better or worse and fight until they wear out the evil... hideous... SHINRA. Chapter 2 - the end. Biggs: But I didn't get to say my line!!!