Summary: In a semi-serious parody of Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream, Elizabeth wants to become a pirate and marry Will, Governor Swann isn't so certain that's a good idea, Barbossa's pirates want to escape, Norrington wants to apprehend just about everyone, and only Jack and Madame Marie know who pulls the strings (mainly because they are the string-pullers in question).
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Will/Elizabeth, Jack/Norrington, brief Will/Jack, brief Pintel/Commander d'Ete, and d'Ete/d'Ete.
Disclaimer: Disney owns these characters and the setting in which they live, except for my OCs, who are all mine (to some extent). William Shakespeare owns the play A Midsummer Night's Dream, from which I have borrowed the concept and the word patterns, and on occasion have directly stolen the lines. The line about pirates being free princes making war upon the world is paraphrased from Charles Bellamy.
(cut for length) Notes: adrienne2 put me up to this. This has got to be the biggest fanfic I've ever undertaken in this fandom, and though it's very, very difficult to write, it's immensely fun . . . I can see why so many new authors write script-fics. It borrows from the various fanfics that I've written, and so readers will possibly recognize Red O'Heaney, Madame Marie d'Ete, Pieu, and others not yet assigned; however, this fic most nearly fits with The French Connection. I will faithfully update a scene per day so long as it's within my power. This fic will eventually contain, as per the lovely adrienne2's request, initially miserable Norrington; a small, "deserted" island where multiple groups of people take port for the night; jellyfish and bare feet; my OCs in what parts lack the canons (or, more generally, where they fit best), and Jack reciting the "If these shadows have offended . . . for I am an honest Puck" line.

A Midsummer Night's Scheme

By gileonnen


CHAPLAIN, the religious head of Port Royal
GOVERNOR SWANN, father of Elizabeth
ELIZABETH SWANN, in love with Will; wants to be a pirate
WILL TURNER, in love with Elizabeth
JOHN NORRINGTON, British commodore, not sure if he loves anyone at all
JACK SPARROW, pirate, trickster; intrigued by Norrington

RED O'HEANEY, in charge of festivities (appointed by the Chaplain)

TWIGG, a pirate
RODERICK PINTEL, another pirate
GIORGIO RAGETTI, yet another pirate
BO'SUN, yet another pirate
NIPPERKIN, a fifth pirate
MAXIMO, whose career by now should be obvious

MADAME MARIE D'ETE, a lecherous French noblewoman
COMMANDER PHILIP D'ETE, a French military officer
PIEU, a gaoler

I.1 Lights up over Chaplain and Pintel

Chaplain -- Now, young sailor, thy heathen blood
Shall no more trouble thee--salvation is but
One promise; but O, so simple
A promise it is! Thou canst not pirate,
Forswearing laws of man on Earth,
When thy first law is God's.

Pintel -- But I've been a pirate all me life,
An' confessin' is s'posed to blot out all that time?
An' the treasure--all the silver an' gold,
Even the ol' bent cups! I remember a night
When Ragetti an' me--

Chaplain --No, pirate!
Stir not thy blood to mercenary,
Awake not thy thirst and cruel spirit of murder,
Make somberness thy constant partner;
The call of piracy is death to thy soul.
The ocean wooed the with her siren ways,
And won thy worship though she did thee much injury,
But I shall turn thee to another master--
Go now, to thy cell, until God turns thee! [Pintel exits.]

Swann -- Good day, Chaplain. I am rather troubled.

Chaplain -- Thank thee, Governor. What troubles thee?

Swann -- I'm terribly vexed, and my trouble
Concerns my child, my daughter Elizabeth.
Er, would you come forth, Commodore Norrington?
This man first asked for Elizabeth's hand.
And, er, Will? Good Chaplain,
Young Will has my daughter's heart.
But blacksmith though he is, he has given her ideas
Of dangerous pursuits not suitable for her;
In their pirate adventure he put notions in her head
With all this swordplay and swashbuckling,
And though he's been a good man, blood will out,
Whether in theft, commandeering, battles, iniquity,
Drinking, burning, pillaging, dissolution--piracy . . .
Or convincing my daughter to engage in it. [turning to Will]
Your kind's ways have turned my daughter's heart
And made her childish dreams (which would have faded)
Into reality. And, Chaplain,
I gave Elizabeth permission to marry Will Turner
With you presiding, but I see my error.
I ask that you make it clear to her:
She cannot marry this boy she names a pirate,
And so she might marry our good commodore,
Or no one at all--I still have a say,
And . . . well, I want what's best for her.

Chaplain -- What sayest thou, Elizabeth? Be advised, fair maid.
The accusations of piracy are most grave,
And though thou hast seen the lure of beauties, yes, and battles
Most unsuitable to women, thou must submit
To thy Heavenly and earthly fathers; it is their power
To govern thee as will serve thee best.
The commodore is a good man.

Elizabeth -- So is Will.

Chaplain -- As a blacksmith, he is,
But that is not his kind; victim of his father's blood,
He must not drag thee into iniquity.

Elizabeth -- I dragged myself.

Chaplain -- Rather he poisoned thy mind to believe this.

Elizabeth -- I am truly sorry, Father,
That I have to say this.
I have tried to be the modest girl,
And have no adventures, and not speak my thoughts,
But I am not that girl, and you know
That I love Will, befall what may--
I'll be no wife to Commodore Norrington.

Chaplain -- Governor, such a willful woman should abjure
The society of men.
Therefore, until Elizabeth cools her desires,
Outgrows her youth, and knows her duty--
To yield to thee, her father's choice--
She can endure the livery of a nun,
For in service of God she will decide
To be a barren sister all her life
And so be saved from pernicious influence,
Or to master so her blood
That she returns from her pilgrimage
Chastened, and happy to do her earthly work,
Which is to settle with a man of honor,
Raise children, and then go to the Lord.

Elizabeth -- So I would be sent away to a nunnery
To make me give up?
Would you send me on a ship, then,
Over which I could gain sovereignty?

Chaplain -- Take time to pause, and by the night of Midsummer--
A heathen feast, but not a fortnight hence,
And so well-suited for thy choice--
Upon that day either submit to thy father
And shed thy notions of piracy,
Or else be put in irons, as I would,
And go to serve God
Until thy young blood cools, or for ever.

Norrington -- Will, to save Elizabeth, you must yield--
As I have yielded, rather than let her become a pirate.

Will -- You have her father's love and favor, Norrington;
I have Elizabeth's--he can marry you.

Swann -- Well! That was hardly appropriate
And I do love--why, Commodore Norrington,
Why do you seem so terror-stricken?
But as to my daughter--

Will -- Governor, I am as good a man as he,
Despite my blood, and I love Elizabeth;
I would be honorable to her,
And I would be a blacksmith, not a pirate.
But (and I do not break confidence lightly)
I know that the commodore could wed a pirate.
Would he turn her from her course?
Norrington has committed his own crimes
In making love to a buccaneer
Instead of hunting him--and he is here,
In Port Royal, though ships guard the harbor.
Is he truly better than I am?

Chaplain -- I cannot believe such lies,
And of the commodore! If thou speakest thereof,
Thou art overfull of self-affairs;
To lie is a sin. But, Governor, come,
And we shall make arrangements;
I have also matters to discuss with thee.
For thee, Elizabeth, look thou disarm thyself
Of foolish, sinful fancies and thy small dagger,
And recant, having obedience to thy father,
Or resign thyself to a convent
Until thou repent thy wicked leanings.
Come, Governor Swann. Art thou cheered?
And Commodore Norrington as well;
I must engage thee in discussion
With regard to thy nuptial,
For even willful women can be converted.

Swann -- Quite a good idea, Chaplain . . . [Swann and Norrington exit]

Will -- What is your plan?
I can see in your eyes that you have one.

Elizabeth -- I know a ship, a naval sloop,
That won't be missed, if we drug the crew.
From Port Royal, we can sail out seven leagues
And meet the Black Pearl.
There, we can sink the sloop
And . . . and to Hell with the law!
They can't pursue us.
I can steal from my father's house tomorrow night,
And in the night, while the crew sleeps,
I will commandeer the sloop
And you will roust Jack Sparrow (from an alehouse, most likely)
To come with us.

Will -- Elizabeth,
I will go to meet you, as you've said.
Although I am no servant to my blood,
The sea has called me since I chose the land
(Which I thought would make me better suit your hand)
. . . But since you'll turn your hand to sail the sea,
I'll follow you in law or piracy.
Elizabeth, though . . . credit where it's due.
I cannot credit all this scheme with you.
For theft, you're bold but always lack the marrow;
I must suspect the work of Mad Jack Sparrow.

Elizabeth -- [as Jack enters] Speak of the Devil.
[to Jack] Hanging round, one's apt to hang to death.

Jack -- I see I'm welcome, dear Elizabeth.
You know, with Will you make a lovely pair--
Tongue like a viper's, though your face is fair.
And "alehouse"?! How you wound me, lass!
You know what drink is in my glass.
Thank you, my dear, for your sincere concern,
Even though you mock, insult, and spurn.
So! Where away do you intend to go?
To Madagascar and the Comoro?
To Boston, London, Bristol, or the Cape?
Despite your cheek, I'll aid in your escape
And help you fly to Bath or Singapore
To flee your friend, the bonny commodore.

Elizabeth -- I think he'd marry me from sense of duty.

Jack -- D'you think the man proposed 'cos you're a beauty?

Elizabeth -- You know he'd hang you if he had the chance.

Jack -- Ah, but he won't; I lead a merry dance.

Elizabeth -- I've come to hate him; you must hate him more!

Jack -- Of course I hate him; there lies the allure.

Elizabeth -- Your folly, Sparrow, is no fault of mine.

Jack -- I claim my lunacy, as it is mine.

Elizabeth -- Enough of this--I'm sorry I was rude,
And I must give sincerest gratitude;
Although I think you have some selfish plan
Relating to the aforementioned man,
In my eyes you will gain your absolution
By aiding in our plan's quick execution.

Will -- Aha--I thought I saw Jack's hand in this.
His plan: to steal a sloop no one would miss
And steal away to later meet the Pearl,
And as free princes, war upon the world?
(And princess, too, Elizabeth, my queen)
. . . Before we sail, what will we do between?

Elizabeth -- Since you are free to go throughout the town,
Please buy provisions and then bring them down
To the harbor; find the Snow Fowl there
And stock it so that we will be prepared.
Imagine, Will! Our freedom on the sea!
To make our world and choose our company!
Farewell, Port Royal . . . shh, I hear the priest.
Go, Jack; he will confess you at the least!
And Will, he'll try to "save" you on first sight;
I love you--I'll meet you tomorrow night.

Will -- . . . All right; the plans you make have not yet failed.
Before the navy wakes, we will have sailed. [Will exits]

Jack -- [moving to center stage] That was the happy couple we just saw;
I can't resist to play with them once more.
And what of that? Blame Eve for making sin;
Like Eve, when tempted, I take part therein.
But there are other plots afoot than mine--
I'm following Madame Marie's design.
Her husband's found her novels ("base" and "vile"),
But the strumpet's yet unmatched for guile.
She plays the part of modern, prim French wife,
But dips her dirty fingers in my life
From St. Dupuy, an isle not far from here;
She's given me the best of bad ideas
(And we've established I'm no trial to tempt).
In tempting, though, the int'rested attempts
To tempt in turn, for love or just in fun;
For either, both, or sometimes neither one.
Norrington will have his call to chase
And all the lovers join into the race . . .
But Frenchmen will have overrun my ship,
Curtailing our extended pleasure-trip,
And so we'll have to sail for all we're worth
Until we find some equal place to berth.
As orchestrated by Madame Marie,
Our stage will be the isle of St. Dupuy.
I've other plans, and if I've any luck . . .
Not just a lover; I'll be playing Puck.

[Jack winks; exeunt Jack]


Title:A Midsummer Night's Scheme
Author: gileonnen
Previous Scenes: Act I, Scene 1
Summary: In a semi-serious parody of Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream, Elizabeth wants to become a pirate and marry Will, Governor Swann isn't so certain that's a good idea, Barbossa's pirates want to escape, Norrington wants to apprehend just about everyone, and only Jack and Madame Marie know who pulls the strings (mainly because they are the string-pullers in question).
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Will/Elizabeth, Jack/Norrington, brief Will/Jack, brief Pintel/Commander d'Ete, and d'Ete/d'Ete.
Disclaimer: Disney owns these characters and the setting in which they live, except for my OCs, who are all mine (to some extent). William Shakespeare owns the play A Midsummer Night's Dream, from which I have borrowed the concept and the word patterns, and on occasion have directly stolen the lines.
Notes: adrienne2 is still responsible for this challenge, though I'm ripping it to merry shreds. The pirates mentioned in this--Pintel, Ragetti, Twigg, Bo'sun (the boatswain?), Nipperkin, and Maximo--are all more or less going by canon names. Unfortunately, I can't seem to write them in canon characterization. >.< Hopefully, Pintel will get less angry and Ragetti will get less stupid as I continue this.

I.2 [In the deepest, dankest cells of Port Royal's fort.]

Twigg -- Is all our company here?

Pintel -- Why, we're 'ardly enough to call a comp'ny, but . . . well, Ragetti and I are over 'ere.

Twigg -- Here is the sum total of those surviving of Barbossa's crew after this year uncursed, and I say we enjoy our freedom.

Pintel -- Firs' off, Twigg, 'oo elected you cap'n? . . . But what's yer plan, then?

Twigg -- I say we escape this very night and steal a ship.

Pintel -- . . . I s'pose that's right enough. But you still ain't cap'n. Call us off to vote. [loudly] Listen, ye bilge-swillin' dogs!

Twigg -- Answer as I call you. Pintel first.

Pintel -- You know I'm 'ere. Go on.

Twigg -- You've got to vote, Pintel.

Pintel -- What, for you? 'Oo else is up?

Twigg -- [rolls eyes] All of us, as always.

Pintel -- Now, that asks for some consid'ration. If I was going t'vote, I'd 'ave to look in a man's eyes. There might come storms, an' such, an' a cap'n 'as to take measure. An' a man might be a tyrant. I can't see none but Ragetti's eyes, an' 'is 'as splinters to tear a cat's gut, so I s'pose I vote for myself.
"The ragin' rocks
An' shiv'rin' shocks
Shall break th'locks
Of prison gates
An' out we'll creep
Whilst they're asleep
. . . Na na na
An' real bad eggs."
'S my campaignin' song. Now, 'ave the others vote. Pintel fer cap'n, else you'll be condolin'.

Twigg -- [pause] Giorgio Ragetti.

Ragetti -- Uh, yes?

Twigg -- Cast your vote, then.

Ragetti -- Vote for captain? Can I vote for myself?

Twigg -- You ought to vote for me.

Ragetti -- But I want to see the men's eyes 's well. I can see Pintel's--

Twigg -- That's all one. You can look into my eyes after you've voted for me.

Pintel -- 'Ey--Ragetti would've voted fer me if'n he saw your eyes or no! We've been mates for years!

Twigg -- He's chosen me, Pintel; you wouldn't go against your mate's choice, would you?

Pintel -- I don't think--

Twigg -- Bo'sun?

Bo'sun -- Aye, Twigg.

Twigg -- You say aye, a vote for me. Nipperkin!

Nipperkin -- . . . Aye?

Twigg -- Then your vote is also aye, making me assured the captaincy, but let's do this right and correct; Maximo, say a name and be done. I'm the captain of this motley lot.

Maximo -- So you'll be votin' for yourself? As, if I voted for Pintel, and you voted for Pintel . . . but ne'er you mind, as you have my vote.

Twigg -- That was a good choice. You've all made good choices here.

Pintel -- Jus' one minute! I heard not one man actually votin', and it were more ans'rin' they did. I say I'd make the best cap'n, no matter 'oo said 'is "Aye" when you called 'is name.

Twigg -- And you'd do it too terribly, and get us caught as we tried to escape; some guard would shriek; and that were enough to hang us all.

All -- They would hang us, every mother's son.

Pintel -- I grant you, Twigg, you've got the plan of our escape, an' if you get us out unhanged, I s'pose I'll follow, but we're 'avin' another election once we're away, an' I'll take your cap'n's place; even to the cap'n's 'at.

Twigg -- You can't have a cap'n's hat because we have no cap'n's hat, and we have no ship for you or me to captain, and all we have is our dank cells on this summer day, so I suggest you let me get us out of here. Therefore you must needs shut your mouth!

Pintel -- I'll must needs shut my mouth. What's your plan, then, Cap'n?

Twigg -- P'raps I shouldn't get you out of that cell.

Pintel -- Why, I oughter discharge yer dreadlocks! Arright, then, you're the cap'n, an' on to freedom, plunder, violet silk an' French crowns!

Twigg -- Don't suggest violet silk and French crowns when I've seen you with a parasol. But men, here is the plan. Maximo has the old table in his cell, and if it's leaned correctly, I'll wager it will lever up the door off its hinges. Then we'll make our way out and overpower the guards, then steal a boat. If we're not dogged by company--and how could we be, since the Navy can't know our devices--we can't fail.

Pintel -- Arright. And if it doesn't work, we mutiny! So it had best be perfect, Cap'n.

Twigg -- Get to levering, Maximo.

Ragetti -- Pintel . . . explain to me . . . how are we going t'mutiny?


Title: A Midsummer Night's Scheme
Author: gileonnen
Previous Scenes: Act I, Scene 1; Act I, Scene 2
Summary: In a semi-serious parody of Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream, Elizabeth wants to become a pirate and marry Will, Governor Swann isn't so certain that's a good idea, Barbossa's pirates want to escape, Norrington wants to apprehend just about everyone, and only Jack and Madame Marie know who pulls the strings (mainly because they are the string-pullers in question).
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Will/Elizabeth, Jack/Norrington, brief Will/Jack, brief Pintel/Commander d'Ete, and d'Ete/d'Ete.
Disclaimer: Disney owns these characters and the setting in which they live, except for my OCs, who are all mine (to some extent). William Shakespeare owns the play A Midsummer Night's Dream, from which I have borrowed the concept and the word patterns, and on occasion have directly stolen the lines.
(cut for length) Notes: adrienne2 makes the world go 'round . . . er, inspires this fic. =) In here, the "miserable Norrington" bit is met (although he's more annoyed than miserable). To clear confusion, for those who haven't read The French Connection, Madame Marie d'Ete is a bit of an eighteenth-century slasher who's the wife of the commander of a French fort in Canada. She and her husband are on excellent terms with "Jacques Sperot"; in fact, Marie is aiding Jack in a plot to catch and hold Norrington's interest. To that end, she captured Norrington for a pirate and imprisoned him; Pieu (of the uneven legs) was his gaoler. In the end, Madame d'Ete turned Norrington and his men over to Jack's custody so that he could take the "pirate" to a British fort for trial for "impersonating an officer" (which was really a pretext to put him in Jack's power). My French skills are abysmal; therefore, I've guessed that "d'Ete" is pronounced "DAY-tuh" (with a very short "tuh").

II.1 [Lights up on Pieu the gaoler, in a lovely outdoor pavilion. Jack enters, looking over his shoulder as though pursued (which is, in fact, the case).]

Jack -- How have those English lessons been working out, then?

Pieu -- Ze Eenglish is 'ard
But I serve Monsieur d'Ete;
Wiz no gates to be barred,
I'm called ze translator.
I miss my gaol, and 'ave no idea
Why Madame wanted to bring me down 'ere.
Zere is no one 'ere to translate to 'er,
Except for you, and you speak French, good monsieur.
'Ave you brought some Eenglish for me to imprison?
Zere was ze young pirate you tied to ze mizzen--
'As 'e got away? Ees zat why you're 'ere?
I'll keep my eyes open in case 'e is near.
I like keeping pris'ners and 'ave empty cells . . .
Eef Norrington comes, I'll keep 'im quite well.
I am sorry my mistress ees showing up late;
You know zat is common wiz Madame d'Ete.

Jack -- Aye, she's the type to revel where she can
And take the scenic route across the land.
Or has her husband kept her well detained?
P'raps, despite her promise, he remains
Mistrustful of her; so that she'll comply,
He might decide to keep her 'neath his eye.
But, see, I'm just a smidgen in a rush;
I've just escaped that knave you named--a brush--
But ne'er you fear; if I see him again,
I'll certainly show him no mercy then.
And . . . if you chance to see a lad and lass
Cavorting, quite romantic, in the grass,
Be sure to notify Madame Marie;
They're two more folk I'd dearly like to see.

Pieu -- Are zey also pirates 'ere to 'ide?
I 'ave a cell wiz two on either side
Where I can keep ze three of zem until
You 'ave ze means to take them where you will.
Ze chains are 'eavy, and ze bars are strong;
I 'ope you will be catching zem ere long.
Ze dungeon 'ere ees perfect--eet's a shame
Zat no one's ever used eet when zey came.
Remember me when zose three are all caught.
I'll grease ze chains until you 'ave zem brought--
Ze two were two pirates?

Jack -- No, not that young pair;
Though the girl claims it, she's putting on airs.
There's little adventure in sailing the seas,
Although you've the freedom to go where you please,
And small enough glory for all of the danger,
With treacherous friends and unreas'nable strangers.
And sickness! In sailing, you trust to your luck
And take as a given the scurvy and flux.
The girl's not a sailor; she'll give it a go
And have her adventure; in one month or so
She'll give up the ghost and find freedom elsewhere--
I like her, but want her well out of my hair.
What's this? It's Madame . . . but she's with the commander.
I must bid you adieu, as this company's grander
Than I had expected, and madder as well;
Perhaps I'll just hide in the woods for a spell
Until they've decided to lower their voices. [Jack steps off the pavilion and into the trees]

Pieu -- Zat seems ze most sensible of all ze choices. [Pieu makes a staggering exit]

Marie -- Zis is getting absurd, Philip.

Commander d'Ete -- What, dear Marie? I ask only a little--
That you spend your days in my company.

Marie -- I am in your company. Am I not in your company?

Commander d'Ete -- Then let me into yours. I know
That you like your games and foreign novels
Full of things no decent woman should read,
But they are just games and fantasies, love!
To what purpose? Why are we here,
Deep in the British Caribbean,
But that we can spend some time together,
Away from duties and solitary pursuits?
It is an intractable woman I wedded!
Come back to Monte Dupuy with me!

Marie -- 'Ow can you call me intractable, Philip--
Me, 'oo is your devoted wife!--
When you will not move on ze matter?
Don't you 'ave your own games and books
Zat I 'ave found, but never mentioned?
Don't you go on your own errands
And never tell me where you've gone?

Commander d'Ete -- That is not our problem, Marie.
Not once since we came to St. Dupuy
Have we shared more than a meal and mead together;
Not once have we walked in the long grass together,
Or across the beaches by the sea.
Not once have we danced;
Instead, you lock yourself in your room and plot.
This holiday has been made in vain!
I have no want for revenge;
Only time with my beloved wife . . .
But she is too proud for me!
I brought her with me to this new continent
For her company, but this was also in vain.
She wastes her time on smutty books
And rots her mind with this filth.
I may as well have drowned our love at birth
Because now it just food for the crows.
She will not even speak our language to me;
She will listen only if I speak in English,
The bastard, undistinguished language.
Will she give me no simple cheer? No laughter?
Not even a smile?--No, I would not be so blessed.
Therefore damn it all and damn it again;
I am angry, damn it, and I'll wash the air
With curses if I choose!
My wife is as intemperate as this place:
Too cold where she should be warm,
Too passionate where she should care not at all.
I would give her a crown if I had one to give,
But she gives me nothing--not even a kiss.
Our marriage is a mockery. Three summers,
Four winters since we married,
And we have lain together how many times?
I know not. Only some few.
And this is not what I want for myself and my wife.
I do not want us to suffer this dissension;
Spend some hours with me, Marie.

Marie -- [a long pause] I am sorry for ze pain I cause.
I do love you, Philip, my husband;
I only ask zat you give me my freedom as well
When I want it.

Commander d'Ete -- Rest your proud heart!
You want to govern, not to be free.
You were the queen of your court
In your country estate, you had
Every comfort that you desired,
And went where you would, with none to gainsay.
My wife should be a free trader on the sea;
She should run away with Jacques Sperot to conceive
A pack of freedom-loving children; the wind
Will carry my wife far from me, but then
She will at least be content.
He should buy her crates of books
And fetch her trifles, currying her favor
When from a voyage, rich with merchandise,
He will keep her fed until she dies
On all the sinful fancies that she likes,
And I could do no more to please my wife.

Marie -- Jacques is ze brozzer I never 'ad.

Commander d'Ete -- You're aristocracy; your type is glad
To wed its kind where it can profit.
I see now that you will not go with me,
But only see a cage when we are together.

Marie -- You 'ave caged me wiz you, and caged my mind by taking--

Commander d'Ete -- Not another word. And as for you,
If you think you're my pris'ner, stay with Pieu. [Commander d'Ete exits]

Marie -- Go, zen! I can live wiz your scorn.
You 'ave disdained me before. [Jack emerges from the forest]
Jacques . . . did you 'ear what 'e said?
What I said? I 'ave done 'im as much 'urt
As 'e 'as done to me. And now 'e will drown 'is pain,
As 'e always does, in cheap wine,
Wiz ze menials. 'E is proud, and I am, too;
'E must give before I give, and I must give
Before 'e gives. You know ze way.

Jack -- I might, actually.

Marie -- If you 'ave time for an errand,
Could you do one sing for me? [Jack shrugs]
'E drinks ze cheap wine, as I've said,
But 'e is more reasonable when 'e's 'ad rum.
'E may be easier to soothe wiz just zat drink,
And you always 'ave some near at 'and.
But 'e deserves ze best, and zough I am angry,
I love 'im. Per'aps by ze next full moon,
Ze quarrel 'ere will 'ave passed on.
Per'aps I will give, or per'aps 'e will.
Per'aps we will walk in ze tropical flowers
And be in love, just like in ze books 'e reads
(And 'e does read 'is own books, I swear it).
Until zat day, our love is on 'iatus . . .
But ze least I can give for zis pain is better drink.
Zere is no potion in ze liquid,
But everysing looks brighter, as if by magic. [Jack nods heartily]
Could you bring my 'usband some of your rum?
It will not take too long; I know zat you 'ave your own affairs,
And I am sorry to delay you.

Jack -- [winking] I'll put a corset round about the Earth
In forty minutes. [exits]

Marie -- Per'aps I'll go to 'im
While 'e is full of rum,
And make ze apologies, and try to be calm
Zough 'e is infuriating sometimes.
(And 'e is an 'ypocrite, also;
On ze vow of my faith, 'e does read stories!)
I will let Jacques pursue ze one 'e loves;
'E does not need to do it in my sight
(Zough I would enjoy it if 'e did!) [peering into the woods]
. . . but it seems 'e is ze one pursued!
And I sink I know 'oo is chasing.
I shouldn't watch zis . . . but 'e 'as caught my interest. [Marie hides in the trees]

Norrington -- I have followed you to this island, Sparrow,
For the express purpose of tracking Will and Elizabeth.
I should have suspected some trickery of yours--
They aren't really here, are they?
Don't think I followed you for your weasel's face
And poison words? I have no such motive.
But while I am here, I can at least apprehend you!

Jack -- They're here, right enough;
I've just misplaced the two of them somewhere.
An honest error, no more! But don't worry yourself--
I have them somewhere about this island.

Norrington -- Why are you aiding me?
A foolish man trusts a pirate
To have any other motive but his own gain.

Jack -- Well, p'raps I'm after clemency.
That'd be a pretty thing, to have you stop following me 'round.
Or maybe I've got my priorities all changed--
Maybe I've decided to turn over a new leaf. [Mock-bow; pause]
No, didn't really think you'd believe that.
Or mayhap I plan to ransom them to you?
Yes, I can see you believed that one right away.
But, Norrington, I'm sure you've considered
That perhaps my motive is . . . love?

Norrington -- Love? Passing curiosity is what you had.
I'm sick to think of what came over me.

Jack -- Languishing from desire, most likely.

Norrington -- You overrate what little charm you have,
Which I'm sure isn't difficult, as you exaggerate
Every other "virtue" your cracked mind claims.
I am here to procure Will and Elizabeth,
Not to engage in sordid verbal games with a pirate
Who has only his own interests in mind.

Jack -- Perhaps you'd rather engage in sordid games
Of other kinds? I'm sorry, dear,
But the atmosphere's just not right.
I have a rather powerful apprehension
Toward being apprehended, you see.
But then, while I'm vul'n'rable and alone,
You don't exactly have the Fleet at your back.

Norrington -- I'm not sure if that was a threat
Or some circuitous flirtation.

Jack -- Neither, actually, but more a statement of fact.
You came after us all by your onesies,
Since I didn't give you time to rouse your men.
You showed good initiative, lad,
But not a great deal of common sense;
I'd thought you held that vice in high esteem.

Norrington -- Either take me to Elizabeth,
Or leave me to find her myself, pirate.
You are only doing me mischief in this wood.

Jack -- Haven't you guessed it yet?
I do you mischief everywhere I go.
You need a bit of scandal now and then.
The girl is here, but damned if I know where;
Adieu, love; I can't take you there. [exits into the woods]
Why, dear Marie, you can't expect to hide
With hair that high and skirts that great and wide.

Marie -- You didn't see me 'til you passed ze trees.
I'm 'idden well enough, you rascal tease!
I suppose you couldn't get ze rum?

Jack -- [withdrawing two bottles from his coat] There it is.

Marie -- [taking the bottles] Sank you very much.
I'll let ze new servants pass zese on to 'im;
Zey love zeir strong liquor, and all are quite dim.
Zey'll never let on zat zis was my device;
To soothe my dear 'usband, zis will be quite nice.
And as to yours, I sink 'e must unwind;
Per'aps 'e needs some beverage of zis kind.
'E seems too stiff and focused on 'is task--
Distraction is ze best boon you could ask.
I don't know why you keep 'im in your eyes.
If 'e loves you, 'e keeps it well-disguised.
But zen my Philip 'ides 'is love for me
Behind ze need to set my decency . . .
Per'aps our men are more alike zan not.
I love mine most just after we 'ave fought,
When I can see zat I am worth ze fight--
And so is 'e. 'E's taught me zat tonight.
So I will play ze 'opeful, not ze glum,
And both of us will try our luck wiz rum.
Good luck, mon Jacques; you are a friend to me.

Jack -- And you, my partner in dishonesty.


Title: A Midsummer Night's Scheme
Author: gileonnen
Previous Scenes: Act I, Scene 1; Act I, Scene 2; Act II, Scene 1; Act II, Scene 2
Summary: In a semi-serious parody of Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream, Elizabeth wants to become a pirate and marry Will, Governor Swann isn't so certain that's a good idea, Barbossa's pirates want to escape, Norrington wants to apprehend just about everyone, and only Jack and Madame Marie know who pulls the strings (mainly because they are the string-pullers in question).
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Will/Elizabeth, Jack/Norrington, brief Will/Jack, brief Pintel/Commander d'Ete, and d'Ete/d'Ete.
Disclaimer: Disney owns these characters and the setting in which they live, except for my OCs, who are all mine (to some extent). William Shakespeare owns the play A Midsummer Night's Dream, from which I have borrowed the concept and the word patterns, and on occasion have directly stolen the lines.
Notes: adrienne2, I give you more of my desperate work--but fortunately, far fewer of my desperate rhymes. =) This scene explains what on Earth the pirates are doing playing at servants with the d'Etes. Use of the word "frippery" inspired by the fic of that title.

III.1 [The kitchen of Monte Dupuy. Commander d'Ete is conversing quietly with a saltcellar in a corner, while the pirates gather around the main table.]

Pintel -- Well, wot are we doin' now?

Twigg -- You don't seem to realize how convenient this place is. St. Dupuy could be the stage for our return to glory, lads, and right when we need a return in the worst way. It's close enough even for us to challenge Port Royal!

Pintel -- Er, Twigg?

Twigg -- [long-suffering] What now, Pintel?

Pintel -- Well . . . seems to me we're sittin' in a posh kitchen dressed in servants' rags. A posh kitchen, yeh, but a kitchen. 'Ow does our cap'n answer that?

Nipperkin -- . . . 'Ow do you, Twigg?

Bo'sun -- Our cap'n says that we took the French ship bound for this island, and the Commander was waitin' for us with forty men at his back.

Pintel -- Aye, well, forty men . . . had to put on th' fancy French rags in the 'old and mop up the blood, didn't we? But that weren't what I meant. What I meant was more to be . . . what are we still doin' dressed in wigs an' fancy breeches? There en't a need to put th' Lord 'n' Lady out of fear.

Twigg -- Hark--some men haven't cottoned on that the commander's right there, and conscious.

[Commander d'Ete addresses himself to his empty bottle of rum.]

Pintel -- Conscious. Plannin' to gully us all, I 'ave no doubt.

Nipperkin -- What're you sayin', Pintel?

Bo'sun -- He's sayin' again that he should be cap'n.

Pintel -- I've been sayin' nothing like it, Bo'sun. All I says is that proper leadership would've 'ad Madame Marie an' th' Commander serving us 'stead of the other way 'round.

Nipperkin -- So . . . 'oo would be that proper leadership?

Pintel -- Don't name names an' suggest I put meself forth, but I wouldn't 'ave us sayin' "Lady" or "Milady" or "What's yer wish?" or [glaring at Twigg] "Wot d'you entreat of us?" If she 'ad a guess wot we were, she'd be afraid an' tremblin'.

[Commander d'Ete begins to bemoan his situation to the doorframe. Unbeknownst to the pirates, Jack Sparrow is on the receiving end of the truly pithy platitudes one only spouts after a really fierce night-long bender. Jack has sworn off colluding in anyone else's drunkenness ever again--waking up in Will's arms was a traumatic experience--and plans to cache his rum safely away when the kitchen is empty.]

Twigg -- Good Nip has no place to be putting you forth, since you do it yourself. And I'm right proud of "What do you entreat of us?"--it'll take her completely by surprise when we take this place over.

Nipperkin -- And when'll that be?

Pintel -- Yeh, Cap'n Twigg--when'll that be?

Twigg -- Soon! I haven't decided what to do to the guards just yet!

Pintel -- String 'em from th' casement in th' great chamber, an' straight acrost th' rafters, I say.

Twigg -- Aye, and I suppose if guests should come to call we'll say they're lanterns? There'll be no disfiguring their persons until we're sure. We've got walls around us, but guests have got the world to flee to.

Nipperkin -- 'E's right, Pintel. What would you've done if the master's had guests showin' up?

Pintel -- You're callin' 'im th' master! Yer a free pirate, Nip! Too long in these rags and "byerleavin'" to th' Frenchmen and we'll start t'think we are servants!

Twigg -- I'd rather be a live servant temporarily than a free, dead pirate permanent-like.

Jack -- What's this? My mut'nous crew with the d'Etes?
They must've gotten out of prison, then.
P'raps I'll sweeten Norrington's regard
With information on these filthy men.

Twigg -- You know your fate is hanging--piracy and prison-breaking? D'you think they'd be inclined to let you off if you pleaded your case in verse?

Pintel -- Like this? "Good judge, I 'aven't done a thing--"

Twigg -- You imbecile.

Pintel -- "--'aven't done a thing
An' you are lookin' well today, I say;
You can't jus' go an' 'ang this honest man
So set 'im free--the jury can't say nay!

Jack -- Oh, God, I know that--Rod'rick Pintel's bray.

Ragetti -- Am I goin' to have to plead, too?

Twigg -- If you follow him, I'd say constantly. Throw yourself on our mercy now, or you'll swing for sure.

Ragetti -- Most noble sirs, I fling myself on you!
I've only been alive this last one year
An' I don't want t'lose it all anew;
I'll be a servant and I'll stay right here.
Pintel, mate, I'm sorry, but it's living here at stake!

Twigg -- Aye, living, and your share of Marie's closet when we've got the place secured. All to yourself, Rags.

Ragetti -- My mistake--it's frippery at stake!

Pintel -- [grumbling] You could 'ave all the frippery y'wanted wif me as cap'n.

Twigg -- I've had enough! You sit here and be cap'n of this table, and we will get on with our work! [stands and makes to leave]

Jack -- Oh, damn! The lot of them are headed out--
'Tis no good time to be in this estate.
I think I'll just depart this place without
Concealing all my rum amid the plates. [secrets himself in a cupboard to watch for the pirates' departure]
But if they should desire a parting drink,
I'll clonk them on the heads 'fore they can blink.

Pintel -- Why're you leaving me with him?

Nipperkin -- He's fit company--the both of you are asses, though he 'as the excuse of bein' drunk.

Pintel -- Ass, am I?

Twigg -- You are. I'll be locking the door. [departs; other pirates depart as well, though Ragetti fires off a parting salvo of sympathy before shutting the door]

Pintel -- I see their game--excludin' me an' tryin' to make an ass of me. Well, I'll make an ass of meself. [downs some of the commander's cheap wine and begins to sing softly]
The ouzel cock so black o' hue
Wif orange-tawny bill
The throstle wif 'is note so true
The wren wif little quill . . .

Commander d'Ete -- [waking] What? 'Oo ees zere?

Pintel -- [taking no notice] The finch, th'sparrow . . . but not Jack
Th' plainsong cuckoo gray,
All th' birds came flyin' back
Upon th' close o' day.
An' right proper English birds these'ns are--I remember English birds. Diff'rent sorts.

Commander d'Ete -- I pray zee, Eenglishman, name all ze birds
An' sing it in ze verses zat you know;
You 'ave a lovely voice, I sink, and deep;
I've never 'eard a singing voice so low
And it 'as quite enthralled me . . . so . . .

Pintel -- Oh, 'ell, are you awake, then? You still 'ave wine an' rum in you, but ye drank it like a real pir . . . er, real sailor. S'right.

Commander d'Ete -- Sank you. [conspiratorial] You know, my wife reads.

Pintel -- Does she now. If I 'ad the learning, I'd 'ave the reading, too.

Commander d'Ete -- My wife, zough . . . she reads ze fiction books
Where men, when seeking romance, often look
Toward ozzer men; she sinks zey are tres sweet.
I know zat zere is no man I would meet
'Oo'd make me want to take a starring part . . .
But 'aving 'eard your voice, I lost my 'eart.
You and I are being such good friends,
Zat I know you'll be sinking zis will end
In fighting, but my friends are fine indeed--
I'll introduce you to zem; please, take 'eed.
Monsieur Saltcellar, Monsieur Pepper Pot, Monsieur Bottle, and Monsieur Spoon!

Commander d'Ete (as saltcellar) -- 'Ello!

Commander d'Ete (as pepper pot) -- 'Ello!

Commander d'Ete (as empty bottle) -- 'Ello!

Commander d'Ete (as spoon) -- 'Ello!

Commander d'Ete (as kitchen implements) -- Bonjour, Monsieur Pintel!

Commander d'Ete (as himself) -- Zis is Monsieur Pintel, a friend of mine,
And 'e 'as a very lovely voice.
If I 'ad ze power and ze choice,
I'd listen to 'is birdsongs for ze noise,
And zough I know I do not like ze boys,
'E is a different story--brings me joy
Wizzout my wife Marie's perverted ploys.
If she could she me now! She'd be o'erjoyed.
Were she a voyeur, I would say she'd voy.
Ze steel is strong because it is alloyed . . .
Are you as strong as steel? Per'aps, my toy.

Commander d'Ete (as saltcellar) -- 'E is!

Commander d'Ete (as pepper pot) -- 'E looks it.

Commander d'Ete (as empty bottle) -- 'E 'as a pretty mouth.

Commander d'Ete (as spoon) -- And a good tongue!

Pintel -- [shell-shocked] Er, yeh . . . pretty mouth, good tongue. Wot're you playing at, Commander?

Commander d'Ete (as pepper pot) -- 'E's playing wiz you.

Pintel -- I guessed that bit.

Commander d'Ete (as saltcellar) -- 'E is trying to get you to bed.

Pintel -- But . . . see, me mates--th' other servants--they locked us in, so--

Commander d'Ete (as spoon) -- You are locked in 'ere wiz us?

Pintel -- Er . . . NO! No, not locked 't all--[scrambles for the door]

Commander d'Ete (as himself) -- 'E's leading a fine chase, ze pet; 'ow sweet,
But 'e will soon be asking to be caught;
'Is eyes make zis bad night a night complete,
And zough 'e protest, I sink 'e is not
Averse to what I plan, which is a lot . . .

[A much-terrified Pintel clonks Commander d'Ete with a frying pan and rushes out the (unlocked, in truth) door.]

[Within his cupboard, Jack cannot stop laughing.]

Return to Archive