Author's Notes: Irrelevant fluff of fanfiction if I say so myself. This fic contains minor SPOILERS to the end of the series. You have been warned.
Greatest of Gods
Once upon a time in the Universe of the Four Gods, the aforementioned four gods agreed to hold a meeting. For what purpose? To decide which of the four gods was the best and therefore had the most bragging rights.
"Why is she so insistent on the word 'for' or 'four' for?" Suzaku wondered to himself as he read over the author's shoulder.
"I'm not a human, don't look at me!" growled Byakko.
Will you two let me get back to the story??
Ahem. Thank you. Back to what I was saying...
The sun was just rising when Seiryuu, the Blue Dragon God of the East (he insisted on everyone calling him by that full title) coasted in from Kutou. He was the first to arrive and therefore was working himself up into an impatient and grumpy mood so he could have fun nagging the others for being late.
It was only five minutes later when Suzaku, the Red Phoenix God of the South (who was much less picky about what others called him normally) glided in from Konan, his feathers resplendent in the morning light. He had waited until the sun had risen and shone just so on his feathers in order to make a good impression on the others.
Two minutes after that, Byakko, the White Tiger God of the West (who used his title randomly but with good reason) bounded in from Sailo. He grinned toothily at the others as he sat down on his haunches and cleaned a paw nonchalantly.
The only one missing was Genbu, the Black Turtle God of the North.
And they waited some more.
Finally, after ten minutes Seiryuu, the Blue Dragon God of the East grumbled, "Where in the Shijienchiso is Genbu, anyway?"
"In the North?" grinned Byakko.
"He's a turtle," snorted Suzaku. "He's bound to be late."
"I'm glad I'm not a turtle," purred Byakko as he shook out his lovely white pelt. "To be so slow and ponderous must be a pain."
"We shouldn't start without him," pointed out Suzaku.
"I've waited long enough!" Seiryuu (the Blue Dragon God of the East) was insistent.
"You've waited a grand total of twenty minutes," sighed Suzaku, striking a pose and preening his feathers calmly. "Don't get your feathers ruffled."
"Don't you mean scales?" asked the Blue Dragon God of the East.
"Or fur," added Byakko, the White Tiger God of the West, using his title to prove that not all animal gods had feathers.
"It was a figure of speech!" Suzaku was feeling irritated.
"If Genbu doesn't arrive in five seconds, I say we have the meeting without him!" said Seiryuu, the Blue Dragon God of the East.
"For Shijintenchiso's sake, Seiryuu, we know your title!" both Suzaku and Byakko chided.
"Glad ya do," Seiryuu, the Blue Dragon God of the East smiled without apology.
"Five, four, three, two...ONE! Genbu's not here! He'll just have to miss out."
"Fine by me," responded Byakko.
"Okay, okay," agreed Suzaku.
Seiryuu, who didn't use his title this time because the others were getting so annoyed by that, said, "So, we are here on this day to decide which animal god of those assembled is the greatest one and has bragging rights."
"We should have a mediator," Suzaku noted as he looked at his comrades.
"No we don't," said Byakko. "We can deal with this matter ourselves. We are gods, after all. We can act in a neat and orderly fashion."
"You forgot mature." Suzaku rolled his eyes.
Byakko got a sweatdrop. "And mature, I'm sure of it!"
The author wisely refrained from making a comment on that but made a mental note.
The Blue Dragon God of the East --
"Will you stop doing that, Seiryuu?!" the other two present gods chorused loudly.
Seiryuu stuck his tongue out at them. Being a dragon, he had a fairly nice, long tongue with which to do so.
"There goes the maturity level," mumbled Suzaku.
Byakko got a sweatdrop and lowered his head.
Anyway, now back to the story...
-- Seiryuu said, "We've been around for millennia. Of course we're mature! So let's get started, okay?"
"Okay," agreed the others.
"Who will go first?"
"I should," said Byakko, the White Tiger God of the West, using his title because Seiryuu seemed so insistent on using his. "Because I am the tiger, the strongest and swiftest of all beasts."
"I should," said Suzaku, the Red Phoenix God of the South, using his title just because the others were and didn't want to feel left out, "Because I am the phoenix, the rare creature that always gets attention when it appears in the world."
"I should," said Seiryuu, the Blue Dragon God of the East, using his title because he always did so, "Because I am the dragon, and because I say so."
Suzaku and Byakko instantly got sweatdrops.
"Aaaand, because in Sohryuden the Blue Dragon God of the East, Hajime, was the eldest and ruled the others."
"Leave it to him to drag in some other obscure anime reference," growled Byakko.
Suzaku got another sweatdrop. Two, in fact.
Before the others could say anything, Seiryuu, of which we all know his rightful and proper title by now and are probably sick to death of, launched into his speech.
"Hey!" said Seiryuu. "What do you mean they're sick to death of my title?!"
Get back to your speech!
"I am the Blue Dragon God of the East --"
"We know that already!" It didn't matter which god said that, the message would have been the same.
Seiryuu, the aforementioned god of the you-know-what, continued, "And I am the God of Warfare and all that great fighting and military stuff! I had the strongest Shichi Seishi, including Nakago and Soi!"
"One of your Shichi Seishi defected to my cause," said Suzaku.
"But he was still a strong Shichi Seishi, ne? You can't change the character on his arm, can you? I, on the request of my Miko, sealed Suzaku's power, which shows that mine is superior. I also was able to rampage through Tokyo for no apparent reason except that my Miko summoned me there."
"For Shijintenchiso's sake, he's bragging already," Byakko whispered in an undertone to Suzaku.
"I thought this whole thing was a bragging contest," the phoenix whispered back.
"As a dragon I rule the sea, the great force of the oceans and storms. Therefore I am the greatest of the four gods."
There was a moment's silence as the others waited to see if the you-know-what dragon had finished with his speech.
"She's cutting out my title!" Seiryuu, the Blue Dragon God of the East, shrieked.
I'm the one who's writing this story! Where was I? Oh, yeah.
Byakko nodded his shaggy head and purred, "Yes, those are all good points, but wait until you hear of mine. I am the Tiger, the White Tiger at that, the strongest of all living beasts in the animal kingdom. I am also the most fearsome hunter and I am the most beautiful besides." And the tiger padded sinuously between the dragon and the phoenix, his white pelt with black streaks shimmering impressively.
Suzaku got another sweatdrop. Seiryuu, the Blue Dragon God of the East, got his first.
"My Shichi Seishi are undoubtedly the strongest," Byakko continued, "For one has the power over time, another the power over plants, another the power over teleportation."
"My Shichi Seishi are stronger! Can yours blast people away by virtue of ki alone?"
"Mine can," Suzaku interjected. "And I am the greatest of the four gods because I am the rare and elusive Phoenix, the immortal being that is reborn from the ashes, and there is no question that I have the coolest Shichi Seishi and the best Miko of them all."
"You're just a giant chicken!" said Seiryuu, insert title here.
Off to the side, Chicken Boo hung his head and quickly walked off the set.
"Oh no!" cried Byakko. "Another obscure reference!"
Hey, this is my fanfic and I'll write in all the obscure references I want!
"You dare call me a chicken?" Suzaku was incensed. "What 'chicken' could seal your power when you had already manifested in Tokyo, or has Shichi Seishi with really cool fans that blast people with fire?"
"Kentucky fried chicken?" Byakko licked his lips.
"NANI??" Suzaku, the Red Phoenix God of the South, was extremely upset to the point that he actually used his full title and forgot that this fanfic is supposed to be written in English.
"The chicken's got bite," taunted Seiryuu, TheBlueDragonGodOfTheEast.
"Oooh, let's do the Chicken Dance!" Byakko laughed toothily.
"Why did Suzaku cross the road?" Seiryuu the Blue Dragon yada yada yada was near tears, howling with laughter.
Suzaku's anger reached the boiling point, which wasn't very hard for a God of Fire. He instantly flamed the two other gods who were in hysterics.
"Broiled Byakko and Seared Seiryuu, on the menu, for a limited time only," crowed Suzaku triumphantly.
"I wonder if he tastes like chicken," both Byakko and Seiryuu of the overused title thought of the other.
It was Suzaku's turn to laugh at the toasted tiger and burnt dragon.
"Why you --" Seiryuu's comments were cut off due to censorship, but the meaning was enough to turn Byakko's eartufts bright red. He instantly sent a tidal wave at the phoenix.
Suzaku flew over the tsunami, leaving Byakko to be drenched in the onslaught.
A very sodden tiger god stared knives at the dragon god. Wet and bedraggled and looking nothing like his former, dry self, Byakko pounced on Seiryuu, claws and fangs extended.
The author noted that Byakko was forgetting his earlier statement about being mature.
"I never said mature!" Byakko said. "That was Suzaku!"
"Sure, blame me," said Suzaku.
The author got a sweatdrop as she scrolled up and read to herself, "Byakko got a sweatdrop. 'And mature, I'm sure of it!'"
"Hey, cool! She got a sweatdrop," said Seiryuu of the title that everyone knows and loves by now.
Byakko grumbled off to the side but did not comment.
In the middle of the carnage the three gods were wrecking, a black turtle slowly ambled up. "Um, is this the meeting?" asked Genbu, the Black Turtle God of the North, who had finally made it from Hokkan.
Suzaku called off his fireball, Seiryuu called off his monsoon, and Byakko attempted to dry his fur by shaking it everywhere.
There was a long and dramatic pause.
"So," wondered Genbu, who never used his title without good reason because it took too long to type and that would just slow him down even more and which was something he could not afford, "What did I miss?"
"You're supposed to give your reasons why you are the greatest god," explained Suzaku, drying his feathers with a touch of fire.
Byakko looked enviously at Suzaku for a quick moment.
"Oh, I'm not the greatest god," said Genbu quietly.
"See, I told you!" Seiryuu, the title-pushing dragon, turned to the others, "Now where were we?"
"Why not," asked the phoenix.
"Because even though I am the Black Turtle God of the North, the God of plants and all growing things, the God of Strategic Warfare, who was the first to be summoned by a Miko, who had two loyal Shichi Seishi who remained as ghosts to protect the Shinzahou, and all that stuff in between, I am not the greatest god."
The tiger's, phoenix's, and dragon's lower jaws dropped several feet in amazement.
"Then he is the perfect one to be the mediator," said Suzaku. "He can determine which of us is the greatest god and has bragging rights."
"Okay, okay," Seiryuu of the long and pretentious title sighed. "So Genbu, who's the greatest god of all?"
Genbu looked at all three. Byakko and Seiryuu were licking their lips as if wondering if turtle tasted like chicken too.
"I object to that reference to me!" Suzaku was not pleased.
There was another long and dramatic and maybe-not-so-meaningful pause.
"Hurry up!" Whichever god said it said what all three were thinking.
"I'm a turtle! Get off my back!"
Byakko stretched out across the turtle's shell. "But it's so nice and warm up here!"
"Well, it should be obvious who the greatest god of them all is."
"WHO?" All three said the same thing simultaneously.
"That was annoyingly repetitious." Seiryuu couldn't resist the chance to put his full title, "The Blue Dragon God of the East" in.
"Why...Taiitsukun of course!"
The other three's jaws dropped again.
"Why thank you, Genbu!" Taiitsukun the Creator (in Sunukake Baba form) popped into existence in the middle of the four gods, with two Nyan-nyans at her side.
"Nyan-nyan!" they proclaimed enthusiastically.
The tiger, the dragon, and the phoenix were stupefied and unable to say a word.
"Well, if that matter is settled, I'd better return to Hokkan country," Genbu remarked slowly.
With that, the Black Turtle God of the North slowly walked off back to his region.
"Taiitsukun is the greatest!" "Taiitsukun's the best!" The two Nyan-nyans cheered.
"So much for that," Byakko grumbled. "I'm going home to get something to eat."
"Me too," said Seiryuu, the Blue Dragon God of the East, using his title for the last time in this fanfic.
Tiger and dragon departed in opposite directions.
"I get no respect!" grumbled Taiitsukun.
"We respect you!" chorused the Nyan-nyans.
"Uhhhh..." Suzaku took off for the south and his own country, leaving Taiitsukun with her attendant Nyan-nyans alone.
And so, it was decided, that the greatest god in the Shijintenchiso was Taiitsukun, the creator!
"Yaaaaaaaaay!" cheered the Nyan-nyans.
The other four gods decided not to reply.
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