Why You Shouldn't Eavesdrop

By Alexis Logain

Announcer: Are you tired of your toilets being dirty and stingy? Are you tired of scrubbing day in and day out to keep your porcelin shiny and gleaming? Well, scrub no more - just use Seifuall once a month and your toilet will be perfect forever.

Irvine, Zell, and Quistis: [walking to a party]

Seifer: OH MY GOD!

Irvine, Zell, and Quistis: [pause by a wooden door]

Seifer: That's HUGE! I've never seen it that big before.

Squall: Well, it'll get the job done. [pauses] You know, now that I think about it, you've always done this...

Seifer: You don't know what to do?

Squall: Well, I get the basic idea...I just put the end up to the hole and...push, right?

Seifer: Yeah - but do it slowly first, or you'll get shit everywhere...

Quistis: [eyes wide and mouth open in shock]

Irvine: [grins at her]

Zell: [muffles giggles then whispers] You didn't know?

Quistis: Nu-uh...

Irvine: I did. Walked in on 'em once too...

Zell: Shhhh!

Seifer: Squall...I don't think it'll fit - it's too ...big...

Squall: I'll make it fit, dammit. [Squall groans while Seifer gasps] There, it's in. Now what?

Seifer: It's not rocket science or anthing - pull out, push in, pull out, push in...establish a rythem and keep up with it.

Squall: Like this?

Seifer: Yeah, now push. Push Squall, push!

Squall: I am!

Seifer: Harder! Push it in harder!

Squall: Like this?

Seifer: No, dammit - HARDER Harder! [sighs] And you gotta go faster than that, too, boy, before it'll work right.

Squall: I'm going as fast and as hard as I can...it'll break off if I give it any more...

Seifer: There you go! Now it's working!

[the sound of a toilet flushing filters out through the door]

Seifer: There. We're done.

Irvine: What the fuck? [opens door to find Seifer and Squall hovering over a the toilet; Squall has a long, black plunger in his hand]

Squall: What are you guys doing here?

Seifer: Quisty - why are you blushing?

Announcer: For only four payments of $49.95, you too can have the amazingly clean and well running toilet that only Seifuall can give you. To order, please call...

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