Weakness
Part 4
By Drakon Sword
Disclaimer: Plain and simple. FFVIII belongs to Squaresoft, which I am not a part of.
Author's Notes: We aren't quite at the Seifer and Squall showdown (where they reveal themselves and issues), but it's coming. I want to create a character for Seifer like I did with Squall. I not sure what you will think, but I haven't made Seifer and asshole, and not a depressed mental case. We have one as it is . . . *cough* Squall *cough*
Don't expect the chapters to come as quickly as this one did. I was on a role last time. However, the next installment should be early next week. (maybe two chapters if things go well)
Anyhow, read and review! : )
Weakness
Part 4
By Drakon Sword
(Seifer's POV)
Leonhart's room is pretty big. It's like a little apartment, including the kitchen, I suppose he doesn't use very often. Squall was never much intrigued by the art of cooking. I know he can. He baked perfect cakes, cookies, and muffins in home economics. He also decided to win brownie points (occasionally with actual brownies) and extra credit by doing immaculate dinner meals instead of baking packaged mixes like the rest of us fools. I remember calling him an ass kisser on one or more occasions. The class was pointless, but it was incase we need to cook for ourselves on a mission. You know, enough cooking skills so we didn't poison ourselves with our own cooking. Squall would have made an amazing cook, other than the fact he's such a perfectionist. He would fuss over a diner plate for hours.
The costumers would never get their orders!
Anyhow, the place is huge. A nice large main room with couch, stuffed chairs, TV, stereo, coffee table, shelves, you know, living room shit. He seems to be still stuck on the black leather thing. Squall always has. I like black leather too, but I like to add bright vibrant colours to it. You know, like the orange shirt I'm currently wearing. Just nice vivid touch. Brighten things up a bit.
However, Squall's furniture is all revolving around black. Black leather couch and chairs, glass top coffee table with a black frame, black metal shelves holding CDs, book and other paraphernalia, black TV with matching stereo system (like there is any other colour), and so on.
The kitchen is to the right. Also plain looking with black countertops, and white walls. Nothing creative. The bathroom is to the left. The light is off so I can't see the colour scheme, but I willing to bet its black and white, maybe grey. Squall has never been the one for colour. Boring in the sense, I suppose you can say. I mean, check out his clothes!
I love him to pieces, but do his clothes ever vary from black, white, and grey? Right now he's wearing black leather pants (big surprise!), a charcoal grey t-shirt, and a black leather jacket without the fur lining. Actually, he's currently taking it off.
Details, details, details.
Actually, if you want to get into details, I can tell you that Squall hasn't changed much over the past year. Still 5'8'', and forever well be. His frame still willowy yet well-defined with muscles he has rightly earned over the years. Opposite to my study, solid frame. His eyes are still that bluish grey that changed tones with his moods. That was how I could read him. After years of being with him, and practise, I learned to match the tones with his moods.
I can now. They are mostly grey. Smoky grey, meaning he's confused. You know, everything a little misty to him. However, around the pupil is much darker. That means anger. His pissed at something. Most likely me, I guess. Yet, with the smoky grey, there is a light colouring of light blue. You won't notice it unless you've done as much studying as I have. I learned to look for it. The blue means he's happy, elated, content, and anything else positive. Basically meaning, his pissed at me, but confused, yet also delighted.
He's always been the moody type.
His hair is still the same, thank god. I love his hair. He was born with gorgeous hair if you ask me. Layered around the jaw, chocolate brown with highlight of chestnut, and tussled such a way that you just want to run your fingers through the glorious softness to straighten it. I love his hair. Always well to. Maybe if he grew it, I have more to touch.
Yes, I have a hair fetish. Problem?
I flopped down in the leather chair that was off to one side. I rested my left ankle on my right knee, and let my arms lay on the arms of the chair. My black trench coat was spewed out around me, and I know I looked confident, comfortable, and most likely cocky.
Perfect. That's what I want.
However, the others aren't as confident as I am. Well, except Squall . . . maybe Quisty, but the rest are uneasy, it seems. Christ! You have to blind not to see it. Though I can also smell it on them, not to mention sense it. They aren't sure what to think, like Squall. However, they are nervous where he is determined.
Rinoa sat on the end of the couch, as faraway from me as she can manage. She still looks extremely pale and timid. Her hands are twisted together tightly, causing her knuckles to go white. Rinoa hasn't changed much. Still pretty, and innocent. I think that was what attracted me to her in the first place.
It was just a summer fling. I went to Timber during my time off to school to see what all the rebellion was about. You know, curious to what all the papers, latest rumours, and other things were about. They were making quite a name for themselves.
I wandered around for a few days till I met Rinoa. She was fighting a monster at the time, and didn't look like she was doing very well. Well, I couldn't leave her like that. Besides, she was attractive. So I stepped in, playing the role of knight shining armour, and helped her defeat the monster. After I had destroyed the fucking monster, she practically latched herself to me because they needed strong people like me for their rebellion. So over some dinner, to which we received for free because the owner was sided with Rinoa and her rebels, she told me all about her club, The Forest Owls, their cause, and plainly, about her. I was intrigued, and it sounded like fun (trouble always sounds fun and I'm a born rebel), so I said I help them out, but couldn't join because I was cadet for SeeD. She understood, and was just happy I was on her side.
Over time we got closer because I'm not a complete asshole. It's mostly a bravado, a shell or cover like any teenager. Rinoa was able to peal it off, and get under my skin, so I began to lose all pretense with her. I was still sarcastic, and teasing because that is a part of me, but I liked her well enough, and she did me. In a short time, we became very close till one thing lead to the next, and I found out she was a sorceress. Now that was something you don't want to tell your partner in bed, okay! Just . . . no! I still can't believe she was that dense!
To say the least, I was surprised (no shit sherlock!), but wasn't disgusted. Sorceresses, and sorcerers were something unknown to me, and I was curious. Who wouldn't? I was a young horny teenager, and she was fun. I found it fun to watch her do things with her magic as she was when I trained with Hyperion. We were happy for a short time. This is when the sorceress knight thing came up.
No, I didn't create that all on my own, I didn't read it, or any shit like that. It was a joke that Rinoa and I created. She was just teasing after I killed a monster. She called me her knight in shining armour, mimicking the romance in fairy tales. I laughed at the time, and somehow we created the idea that I was her knight, a sorceress knight. It kinda stuck for the time I was with her.
I guess I just really liked the name, and idea. I was romantic, it was fun, and it made Rinoa happy. I wasn't in love with her, but I liked her well enough. She was good in bed. No, she became a close friend that I trusted somewhat, and I liked being a rebel with her. It was fun, and dangerous. What else does a teenager need?
When I returned, we stayed in touch, and the sorceress knight thing never stopped. It became her romantic dream in a sense, and I was the one to fulfill it. I knew a secret of hers, and she thought she loved me. I guess since she found it romantic, I soon did. It became my job, and the romance in my life, since Squall and I never shared anything other than rivalry. It was my escape. My release. My romantic dream.
Well, things just went to hell in a handcart after that.
I failed the last exam while Squall passed and moved ahead to SeeD. Though I still kept my promise to Rinoa, and helped her get an interview with Headmaster Cid to receive SeeD assistance, which was successful. However, the asshole sent Squall, Selphie, and Zell. A bunch of newies, and they all got in way over their head. We all did.
I remember watching Squall and Rinoa. It hurt to see them dance. Squall had seemed so confused, so disoriented, so . . . vulnerable. It was endearing for I hadn't seen him that way in a longtime, if ever. No one had ever offered him any comfort, or affection like that. He was not used to it, and when he had that taste, he was gone. He wanted more, and craved it. It hurt to see him suddenly intrigued by another. I was the only one in his eyes for years, but I was then replaced.
By my own girlfriend.
Everyone had tried before to break his shell, but Rinoa was the only one that really broke it, and wasn't even trying. Quistis tried with talking, favouritism (She never changed his marks as much I implied that she did. Squall was very intelligent, and she would lose his respect if she did), and respect, which did fine trust wise, but never romantically. Squall respected her as an instructor, but nothing more. She then stepped aside when Squall showed interest in the lovely, Rinoa.
Chicken wuss had also tried before Rinoa. Showing off to impress Squall. Jokes, energy, skill, and all the bullshit, but ended up worse off. He was too immature, and received none of Squall's respect. Squall doesn't hate him, but he can't stand him. I tend to feel the same.
They were others that just received Squall's respect unconditionally because they were in places of power, like Xu, and the Headmaster Cid, for as much as a prick as he is . . . I still have a grudge against him from various encounters you can say. I don't have respect for anyone in power, not unconditionally as Squall tends to do. They have to earn it like everyone else far as my concern (and many still don't have it). That's why I suppose I never did well. Insulting my superiors instead of obeying them. Fuck that!
Anyhow, there were also others that he knew, sort of respected, but didn't offer anything more then a one time acquaintance. I'm talking about Fujin and Raijin. I knew that Squall only respected them because they were my posse, and were the DC with me (how we got that job, I still don't know), but didn't give them the time of day outside of me. He respected me, and respected my choice as did Fujin and Raijin. It was a forced respect for them, but one nonetheless.
Now, I was the only one that Squall did any more then respect, or treat with indifference, that is till Rinoa came along. He and I have a complicated relationship, one that I can never fully explain. We have a rivalry, yet we are best friends, and I trust him with my life. You see, he is the only one that is my equal. Fujin and Raijin are pals, but it isn't what Squall and I share. I look up to Squall as he does me. We learn from one another, care for one another, but hate one another.
You're confused. I know. It is confusing, but I'll try to explain it.
Let's just say we are like brothers. A love-hate relationship. We fight like brothers, rivals, and everything in between, but as time passed, and we learned from and about one another, we fell in love. Or a least I did.
They say you hate your only love. I know. It's corny, but as corny as it may sound, it makes sense and is true. Think about it. You say you hate a person, and spend every once of every consuming minute to make their lives miserable and to prove it, what are you really doing?
I'll tell you. You are trying to convince yourself. Everyone believes you when you say it because what is to question? However, you say it with a passion that can only result in love. When you truly hate someone, you just brush them off. Ignore them. Pretend that god never created their sorry ass ( . . . Cid . . . maybe Chicken-wuss?). If you truly hate them, then you won't waste your time on them. If you do waste time, you are trying to convince and make yourself hate them because they stir something inside that you don't understand, and don't want to. You feel vulnerable, and want it to stop, feeling that the only way to is to hate them.
Let's take . . . Ultimecia for instance. I hate the bitch, but that part of my life is over. I don't grieve over it, and I don't brood over it everyday. She used me, and Squall killed the scary bitch. The cycle of life is done, and over with. I'm moving on, not letting the utter hate I feel for her consume my every waking moment. She's dead, I'm free, and everyone is happy. End of story.
Yes, it does piss me off, royally, at what I was blamed for, and what happened while I was being controlled. Being manipulated, and hurting the ones I care for, intentionally or not. However, Squall was quick to end the hatred towards me, I cursed him at the time because I was mad, still tender at being hurt in such a way, but now . . . now I smile at his loyalty.
Rinoa and I were still together when I attacked the president (dumb asshole). I wanted to help her, and I was feeling the anger at what happened at the SeeD exam and the dance afterward. My girlfriend, and rival (soon to realize I loved the small tight ass) who danced together, and were getting along better than I would have liked, and wasn't comfortable with it. Hating to see the look on his face as she walked away. How he looked intrigued. I was still running on the adrenaline of the jealously and anger, and I made the biggest mistake of my life.
Well, you know the story from there. Edea was being controlled, brainwashed me, and I became the ‘Sorceress Knight'. I'm to be labelled as that forever. Squall then took charge, and was sent out to destroy the sorceresses, excluding the one he was slowly growing affection for. I was the bad guy, and my rival was the hero. I hated it, and I know he hated it. He was never hero material, and I'm not that bad.
Really.
Things went completely out of control, till finally Squall won, I was set free, and everyone went to have a fairytale ending. You know, the happily ever after shit. Well, it wasn't like for me, not yet anyway. Though, in my version, it doesn't quit end yet.
Fujin and Raijin found me after the Time Compression. I stayed with them to figure myself out, and what I wanted to do. You see, I learned a lot of things in the Time Compression. A lot of things.
One was my love for my rival, Squall Leonhart.
Others were abilities, my past, and other things. The main one besides my love for Squall, was how wrong I was. What I thought I was teaching and learning from Squall was the truth, the importance in life . . . it was crap. Complete and utter crap.
Okay. Yes, it was, is, something, but it isn't everything. Yes, there is much truth to what we learned, but there is more. A happier side to it. Squall and I were bent on learning the evil, the weaknesses, the warrior life, the road to become a perfect soldier, ready ourselves for the battle field.
Ha! Nothing could ready us for what we lived last year. Absolutely nothing.
Yet, I leaned something. In the Time Compression I learned there is more to what I was bent on being truth. Forcing into Squall, forcing into myself. Convincing each other till we actually believed it. That anything positive makes you vulnerable, and thus weak, the ultimate evil to us. What a unhappy teenage life we lived. Not much of a childhood to brag about either, actually.
Weakness. Ha! You know, I learned that love, happiness, and everything else I damned as being weak, is the complete opposite. Emotions like that make a person stronger. They give a purpose to life. A reason to live. A desire to get up in the morning. A cause to face death and glare at it in the eye. It makes a person stronger, not weaker.
Boy! Was I ever wrong.
The only reason I survived the Time Compression, and the rest of the bullshit was because of Squall. It was my love for him. My wish to see him again, and apologise. To see him again, and explain what happened. To correct my mistakes in the past. To try again. To be with him. To love him.
I never found the courage to do it.
I went to see Fujin and Raijin for a few days not long after Squall had supposedly visited. Impeccable timing. Well, to say the least I was bitched out, royally (Fujin can be quit scary when she's angry). Squall had come upset, and forced them to tell the truth about my death. He had heard reports, and decided to ask Fujin and Raijin since they were the closest to me. They had grown fairly close to him over time, much to my delight, and couldn't lie.
He knew. I couldn't hide anymore.
So, here I am. I came a few weeks ago, and visited him, while he was on his own, though he may not remember. Actually, if I'm right. He doesn't remember at all. It wasn't till today that I finally decided to bite the bullet, and come and talk to them. All of them. They deserved to know my side of the story. To know I was alive, and I met no harm. That I was repentant for some of the things I did. Not to mention, correct my mistakes with Squall.
I had a lot of work ahead of me. No to mention, explaining.
I watched as Zell sat down beside Rinoa, putting his hand over hers in comfort. It seems the lovely, sorceress, Rinoa has moved on again. Not a huge surprise. She was very optimistic, but with Squall she bit off more than she could chew. Squall is an handful. I know this for a fact, but so am I. That's why we are good for each other. Both fucked up somewhere upstairs, but need, and belong to each other. Or at least I think we do.
Zell's face still has a red tinge from his anger. He hasn't changed at all. His hair still sticks up in its usually blond spikes, he still bounces around like an idiot, and defensive as ever. Maybe it was a mistake to have the first words from my mouth be ‘Chicken-wuss". It wasn't planned! I swear!
Well . . . not completely.
I don't hate Zell, he's just . . . Zell. I didn't give him the time of day till I noticed he was hitting on Squall when we were about 15 (at least that's what it seemed like, though Zell can be very friendly without meaning to). Squall didn't notice, or care. Squall was still . . . innocent in those sort of things. Anyway, I immediately came to Squall's aid, and found that Zell was a defensive energetic thing. I never really cared for him before, but I found enjoyment in torturing him. Let's just say Zell and I have our own sort of rivalry.
I know now that I reacted out of jealously. All my teasing to him was partially because of his flirting with Squall, but also because he grew up with a family. I didn't care for anyone who had a family at him to return to. I didn't have one, neither did Squall, Fujin, or Raijin. We were all orphans, and far as my concern, Zell wasn't a part of us. He didn't belong in the garden. I guess it created a bit of hatred towards him, but like I explained earlier, I don't spend every waking hour making his life miserable. He was just fun to tease every once in awhile.
Okay . . . he was fun to tease often, if not all the time. He's just so cute when he's angry.
Irvine then sits beside the tense, pissed Zell. Brave man. Though I don't know Irvine well. I remember growing up with him, but that doesn't tell a person much. We have all changed a lot from those days. Especially in the past year. I think we all aged at least a decade from that experience. Eye-opener, but I do not wish that on anyone else, nor do I want to do it again. Once was too much for me.
Irvine seems like a cool person. From what I can sense from him, he's pretty laidback, and calm. Relaxed, mature, and trustworthy. A great ally. Cool head, I suppose for his training as an assassin, unlike Zell with a hothead to rival my own at times.
I watch as Irvine proceeds to lounge himself on the couch, letting an excited Selphie sit on his lap. Those two are quite a pair. I don't know Selphie that well either, but from what I know of her, she's a little ball of sunshine. The plum fairies, and sugar pops of the group. She's cute, and reminds me a bit of Rinoa. Just more sugar, and energy. Plus no sorceress powers.
Quistis is her same old self, just more confidence. Her poise, and graceful body slips into the other leather chair across from me. Her eyes are warm with reassurance, but bright in her own curiosity. However, I can also sense a little agitation of my sudden appearance. She was surprised as the others to see me alive because I know that Squall announced that I was dead. They all thought I was, but Quistis had reacted quite calmly. In that sense she was still the same old Instructor Trepe.
Squall has shut the two doors behind Quistis. One his room, and the other a spare room, or office, I'm not sure. He threw his coat into his room, and then proceeded to lean against the wall. Still likes to hold up the wall, it seems.
Same old Squall.
You know, kissing him may have not been one of my better ideas, but the passion, vulnerability, and care he was showing, was enough to make my head spin. I longed to be the one to create those soft, positive emotions. I just never knew it.
Basically, I saw a chance and I took it. I'm not sure what Squall thought of it. He did respond, and he doesn't seem disgusted. I am aware of his sexuality, and his one night stands, but me being his rival, Seifer Almasy, may have a role in his anger. Angry that I invaded his personal space.
However, I think he liked it, but I could really only sense and smell confusion. Not to mention, the overwhelming sense of shock from the others tended to mull with his, and made it harder to read. I had trouble dividing his reactions and emotions from the others in the small place. Besides, mine were also going haywire. Though from the words he shared with Xu, he seems bitter and angry. I want to change that. I plan to fix my mistakes.
"So . . .? What's that story, Seifer?" Selphie asked, bouncing a little on Irvine laps. She seem eager to know the story. She is the gossiping type. I think she knows when to keep a secret, but she likes to know everything, whether she will or won't tell. That's okay. It's the opening I need.
"Well . . . it's like this . . ." I start. It a long time before they speak as I talk. No one interrupts. Each getting the answers they needed. I have more to tell, but most of it is just for Squall to hear.
All in due time, Squall. All in due time.
A/N: How was Seifer's character? Good?
I know he is quite thoughtful, but I'm trying to make him more mature, and give him some character other than a sarcastic, unfeeling bully. Seifer is a good guy! He ain't all bad!
Oh and sorry about any character bashing! I do love Zell! It's just that in the game he was never liked well by Seifer. Squall dealt with him, but they weren't good friends. Hope that's okay?
Smiles : )
CJ May
aka Drakon Sword