Notes: Yes I have spoofed my own story now just doing the fairy tales wasn’t enough.

Two Two Billion

By Purple Penguin

The friends all looked at each other, wondering why Squall had called them all into his office. The new Squall had had to change his name to stay in garden to avoid confusion. He was now Leon Loire and he had moved into a dorm with Seifer as Squall had moved in with Zell.

“I have been contacted by Esthar, a portal much like the one that Leon came through has appeared on the Esthar plains. I said we’d investigate it.”

“I won’t have to go back will I?”

Squall shook his head. “I thought you might be interested in going with us through.”

Selphie jumped up and down. “Do you think other people from this world have come through?”

“It’s a possibility and if that is the case we have to find them and send them back. We meet at the docking bay in one hour. Dismissed.”

At the portal in Esthar.

Leon gingerly stuck his hand in it. “It’s not doing much, no wind or anything.”

Suddenly the portal sprung to life and Seifer grabbed Leon, moving him out of the way.

“Someone’s coming through!” He yelled over the noise of the portal.

There was a flash of light and a loud crashing sound as a man fell through. The portal went quiet again as everyone got up from their huddled positions on the floor. The man stumbled to his feet. He had tatty clothing, straw and hay all over him and in his chocolate brown hair. He had freckles and big buckteeth sticking out of his mouth. He stared at the friends, complaining about losing his tractor.

“What y’all staring at?!” His voice was thick with a heavy country accent.

“He sounds like a yokel.” Selphie whispered to Irvine.

“Never mind that, look at him.”

Squall looked horrified. “Not again. Why’s it always me that gets copied?”

Leon started to laugh. And the others bit their lips to keep from laughing.

“I’m glad you find this funny.”

The yokel Squall scratched the back of his head. “Where am ah? What is this place? Did you steal ma tractor?”

Seifer burst out laughing followed by Leon. Squall frowned at the yokel. “No, we didn’t. This is a new world, you’ll get used to it, now come on you’re coming with us.”

“But- But-”

“Quistis will fill you in on the details, Mr-er-”


Squall sighed in annoyance. “Right, of course.”

“Hey you kinda look like me.”

“You don’t say.”

The yokel glanced at Leon. “You kinda look like me too.”

The portal flashed into life once more, Squall pushed the other Squall to the ground and the others moved out of the way. A man fell through the portal, wearing leathers. A leather biker jacket and leather pants, his hair was long with a red bandana around his head. But it was definitely Squall.

“What the fuck are you lot doing in me dressing room?!” He glanced around. “Where is me dressing room?” He squared up to Squall. “If this is another attempt on my life that be warned. I can yell very, very loudly and me security will be in here to deal with the likes of you!” He turned to Leon. “Are you laughing at me son?!”

Leon shook his head.

“Cos if you are, there will be trouble. Now where am I? Where’s me dressing room? And who the hell are you lot?”

The yokel Squall stepped up to him. “You kinda look like me too.”

The other Squall jumped back, holding his nose. “Eww, get this thing away from me, I’m too beautiful to be seen with the likes of him!”

Squall rolled his eyes. “Quistis will you fill these people in please.”

The leather clad Squall looked Quistis up and down. “Wow, you can fill me in whenever you want love.”

She nodded slowly, holding back the laughter. Seifer didn’t bother holding back though.

“We’re going back to garden, I’ll ask Laguna to put some guards on watch of the portal and to tell us if anymore versions of me come through.” The friends turned to leave. The leather clad Squall draped an arm around Quistis’ shoulders. “You single? Married?”

She gave a tight smile and removed the arm.

“How about you and I go for a drink later, how about it beautiful?”

“Wow, a straight Squall, who would have thought it possible.” Seifer said.

Both Squall and Leon gave him a look. “I don’t think that’s more strange than the yokel.”

The bandana-wearing Squall had stopped coming onto Quistis for one second. “Hey where am I? My father is a very powerful man and-”

“Yeah we know, Laguna right?”

“Who? No My dad’s called Cid.”

Seifer started to laugh again.

“He won’t stand for this you know.”

Squall led them away and back to garden where the other two Squall were given beds in the basement where Norg’s room was. The yokel thought it was great but the other Squall thought it was too small, too purple, too everything. He was a spoilt brat as Seifer had tactfully put it.

Squall sat in his dorm room head in his hands, he groaned. “God.” He muttered.

Zell’s gentle hands moved over his tense muscles, his lips and teeth worried at the skin on his lover’s neck.

“You’re taking this too seriously.”

“How can I not? There are two new versions of me in the basement both horrible, horrible people and the portal is still active. What if more mes come through?”

“It is kind of funny when-” He stopped abruptly at the look that his lover gave him.

“Would you like it if lots of yous appeared and all of them were horrible?”

“All? Leon wouldn’t like to hear that.”

“You know I didn’t mean him.” He sighed, rubbing his face.

Lips found his neck again trailing along his jaw line up his cheek and met his lips. Squall opened his mouth to his lover, returning the kiss eagerly feeling the tension get washed away. He moaned into it as a hand disappeared under his shirt brushing his newly pierced nipples that he had done at Zell’s request. The phone rang causing both men to pout in disappointment and part as the commander reached for the phone.

“Squall Leonhart.” He said into the receiver. He ran a hand up into his lover’s hair as Zell continued to touch him.

“Ahh Squall thank god.”

“Laguna?” Squall frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s -err- that portal, three more people have come through and -err- I have them in the palace here but I don’t know what to do with them.”

Squall sighed. “Are they me?”

“Two of them are b-but the other isn’t…”

The brunette frowned. “Who is he?”


Squall allowed a small smile. No wonder the older man sounded spooked. Zell saw the small smile and mouthed ‘What?’ The brunette shook his head.

“Is he with you now? What’s he like? Do you hate him too?”

“No he’s in his room, he’s-um- well like me but very-um- gay and -” He turned his voice into a whisper. “He’s flirting with Kiros a lot.”

At this Squall actually laughed. He had gotten closer to his father through Leon they went there together and they both knew how their dad felt about his dark friend.

“Why don’t you tell him?”

“I can’t now! Now with that-that whore following him around.”

“Maybe you’ll have to compete with yourself,”

The older man made a noise. “What do I do with the yous, do you want them?”

“Not really but it’ll be better if they are all together so I’ll send Seifer and Leon round tomorrow morning to collect them.”

“Don’t you want to take the version of me too?”

Squall smiled evilly. “No, no you’re stuck with him I’m afraid.”

He heard his dad make a disappointed noise before he hung up. Squall looked back at Zell. “There are two more mes in Esthar and one new Laguna.”

“Laguna? Really? Cool.”

“He doesn’t think so, the other him is after Kiros.”

Zell laughed, pulling his lover close. “Now that that’s over, where were we?”

Squall smiled and pulled his lover down on top of him on the bed.

Esthar palace.

Laguna sat in an armchair half watching the TV, not really knowing what was happening on the soap opera because his eyes glared hatefully at the other him who sat, heavily leaning against Kiros his fingers trailed against the blue shirt that the man wore. The real Laguna gripped the chair arms tightly to try to stop from going over there and ripping that stupid whore off his Kiros. That thing was nothing like him, spend all day running after Kiros and nuzzling into him and what was he thinking with these clown trousers? The brunette wore long multi- coloured striped pants that hung low over his boots to drag on the floor. What a freak, he had thrown those things out years ago. The dark man also watched him, nervous eyes watched every move those fingers made, Laguna had never seen Kiros look nervous before it was a new experience. The taller man would subtly push the brunette away from himself and shuffle a few inches along the sofa but the leaner man followed until they were both jammed up against the arm of sofa with no escape routes.

In the advert break the darker man squeezed out of the gap and headed for the door. “I need some air.”

The brunette whore got up too. “I’ll go with you.”

The dark skinned man hurried for the door quicker, looking back in time to see the brunette get as far as the doorframe before Laguna grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back into the living room. He sighed in relief with small smile. The new Laguna really knew how to make him feel uncomfortable especially as he had always had a thing for Laguna, he didn’t follow him across half the world for nothing. The object of his affections only threw himself at him in his dreams and that’s the way he wanted it to stay not having a new Laguna come on strongly to him.

A guard hurried over to him. “Sir, Seeds Seifer and Leon are here to see you and the president.”

Kiros shook his head. “I’ll deal with it, don’t go in there.”


“Just don’t.” The last thing he needed was both Laguna to follow him to see Seifer and Leon. He walked to the president’s office and greeted the two.

The blonde smirked knowingly at him. “Where is he then?”


“Laguna, both of them.”

Leon grinned. “Giving you a hard time is he?”

The dark man sighed. “He’s horrible, he practically sat in my lap when we were watching the TV and knew Laguna, the real one is uncomfortable, it’s a nightmare.”

They both grinned. “Poor you, can we see him?”

“NO!” Both Lagunas are locked in the living room; I’m not letting them out just to have that…. Man follow me round again.”

Leon batted his eyes. “Please?”

Seifer grinned and ruffled his lover’s hair affectionately as the dark man sighed in defeat and led them to the living room, he opened the doors and stared in horror. The two Laguna fought in the centre of the room, both of them gripping each other’s hair trying to pull it out, the wrong Laguna pulled back a hand to bitch slap the other one.

“Oh my god!” Leon cried. “Which is which?”

The one in the annoying clown trousers in the wrong one.” Kiros explained. “You two grab him, I’ll get Laguna.” The three of them stepped closer to the struggling pair, walked around the back of them. Seifer tackling the older man, wrapping his rams round his shoulders and Leon grabbed the man’s waist both practically lifting him off the floor and away still tightly holding him. Kiros got hold of Laguna’s shoulders and pinned him back against his chest. Both men struggled, glaring at each other.

“What the hell were you doing?!” Kiros yelled at them both.

“He started it!” The new brunette said.

“I did not, I was being nice to you and you attacked me.”

“He lied to me Kiros, he said you didn’t want me and things like that, I mean how stupid is that? Of course you want me, I’m not a prudish, stupid little prick!”

The Laguna in Kiros’ arms struggled. “See? I was just letting him in on a few facts and he attacked me!”

The dark man sighed, starting to feel a headache coming on. “You two had a fight over me?”


“NO!” They yelled in unison.

The new Laguna glared. “Yes we did, he wants you too but he’s too afraid to admit it, he wants to steal you from me!”


Leon and Seifer shook their heads. New Laguna was right about that.

“T-That I-Is-err-wrong- very… wrong.” He tried to look over his shoulder at Kiros. “You believe me don’t you?

“What? Don’t believe him, he’s a liar that’s what he does best.”

Seifer cleared his throat. “Kiros we’re here for the Squalls, did you want us to take this Laguna too.”

“No! He’ll be able to win then, he’ll steal Kiros from me!”

“Yeah please take him!” The other Laguna yelled.

“Shut up you-“

“I’m in charge here, my palace and I say take him away.”

The blonde glanced at Kiros who sighed. “Err- Yeah take him to garden with you.”

“Okay.” Seifer turned to drag the man out of the room; Leon let go to make it easier for Seifer to half drag half carry the other man.

“NO! Wait, I’ll be good I promise! No! Stop! NOOOOOO!”

The three of them went out of the room and the other two sighed. “You can let go of me now.”

Kiros let go of the brunette and spun him round. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” He sighed shakily. “Glad he’s gone though.” He glanced at his friend to see him nod in agreement.

They both quickly looked away from each other still feeling uncomfortable about what the other Laguna had said. “We should go and see how Leon and Seifer react to those Squalls right?”

The dark man bit his lip. “You mean you want to go and laugh when Leon sees these Squall?”

The brunette faked hurt. “Would I ever do such I thing? I simply want to go and –err-“


He grinned. “Yeah.”

Seifer and Leon had just made it down the stairs to the prison level when they heard Laguna echoing voice.

 “Wait!” The president ran down the stairs as fast as possible and stopped in front of them panting to catch his breath. “I-err- wait-a m-minute” He rested his hands on his knees and panted. “I-err just wanted to come down and supervise that’s all.”

“Then why the rush?”

The Squall-alike frowned. “Oh no it’s something stupid isn’t it? Something’s wrong and you want to watch, right?”

“Err- me?”

Kiros caught up and stopped beside his friend. “Well it is pretty funny, Squall won’t be happy, shame he isn’t here really.”

Seifer frowned suspiciously and unlocked the door to one cell, noticing that the guests had been given furnishing to make them more comfortable. One of the figure inside came forward and batted her eyelashes at Seifer.

“Hey handsome.”

The two older man bit down laughter, grinning at the blonde.

The woman was still in the shadows but it was obvious he was looking at a woman not Squall. “I thought you said both portal people were Squall.”

The woman came into the light and held out a hand for Seifer to kiss. “I am Squallina, pleased to meet you.”

She had chocolate brown hair that was long and bobbed around her jaw line; even though Seifer was definitely gay his eyes were drawn to her breasts and her crotch trying to look for a lump. He couldn’t be a woman, a drag wouldn’t be so bad but if he really was a woman with all the bits that’s terrible, though he had to be there when Squall meet Squallina.

Leon stared at her. “Oh my god! Why did you-?”

“Why did I what?”

“Didn’t you use to be a guy?”

She slapped him and pouted. “You shouldn’t say such things to a lady, that was all a long time ago and now I get to be me.” She batted her eyelashes at him then gestured to the other figure that was coming forward. “What’s going on here? He looked a lot how I used to, and you look like me too, what is going on?”

The other man stepped forward he looked exactly like Squall, same clothes, same scar same everything. He folded his arms and glared at the four men. “Seifer what’s going on here? How far back are you guys? I know you found the portals, we did too and there are lots of mes, right?

“Err- yeah, you dealing with this in your world too.”

“This is my world only we went through this last month.”

“Oh.” Leon said. “So there’s another me in your world too?”


“Cool.” He grinned. “So, we can get you back right? I mean it’s got to be easier to get you back than to figure out what world all the others came from.”

“We’ll take you back to garden with her, you could be useful.”

“Do you really think I’ll listen to me?”

“He’ll… I mean you’ll have to; you are the same after all.

“Ooh!” Laguna cried suddenly. “Maybe we should come with you and bring Dr. Odin he can help.”

“Good idea.”

“Wait a minute, me go to Balaam garden where that mad Laguna’s going?” Kiros said.

The blonde smirked. “We can keep him where we keep the other Squalls, he’ll be fine.”

Four Squalls and a Laguna sat on the separate small beds in the garden basement.

The gang and Laguna and Kiros sat opposite them. Squall rubbed his forehead. “Why me?”

“Hey Squall look on the bright side, I like that one.” Seifer teased pointing to the female Squall.

“Better than me?” Leon asked.

“Hmm, I don’t know.”

The brunette elbowed him. “Hey!”

The new Laguna sat eyeing Kiros constantly, offering him little smiles, winks and waves. The other Laguna glared at him. Zell looked between his Squall and the future version. “You look so alike.”

“We are alike, we are the same I’m just a future version of him.”

“Oh? But then why don’t you like me?” He was sitting side-by-side with his Squall, so close that their thighs were touching but new future Squall had glared at him since he had arrived in Balaam.

“Am I supposed to like you? You’re annoying, you’ve always been annoying and I’ve always said so.”

“Oh.” He looked down at his lap then shared a look with his lover.

The new Squall raised an eyebrow. “You two are together? Hmm, didn’t see that happening?”

“I thought you were my future.”

“I am but there’s always a few things that get lose between the world differences, like I like cheese you don’t like cheese, I like pussy, you prefer cock, you know little things like that.

The other two gaped at him. “How can you compare cheese to- to-?


“Yes, no.”

“Mmm cheesy cock.” Seifer laughed and Leon sniggered.

Squall gave them a look. “You two are sick, shut up.”

“So please don’t tell me you’re dating Rinoa still.”

He waved a hand. “Nah I was for a while but I prefer to keep my options open, I’m bi but girls are better.” He gave Zell a sympathetic look. “What can I say, you were a bad fuck”

Seifer laughed. “Oh this gets better and better, go on.”

“You aren’t that good either.”

“WHAT?! But better than Zell, right?”

“Hmmm, yeah.”

“HA!” He grinned at the little blonde.

Zell turned to his lover. “Do you think I’m a bad fuck?”

Squall blushed. “Err- no of course not.”

“You hesitated, that means he does really.”

“Shut up Seifer!”

The other Squall leant back. “Quistis was better though.”

The blonde woman blushed and suddenly found the floor fascinating.

“Have you slept with everyone?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“Even Irvine?”

The cowboy quickly shook his head. “No, no I don’t do guys.”

“Yeah his right he doesn’t, so I did him instead.”

Irvine looked appalled and Seifer was very happy. “You’re not good as you think you are.”

Laguna raised a hand. “As fascinating as this is but how did you get all the Squalls and the one me back home.”

“Simple. The Squalls including me can jump back into the portal and it will send them to the right world and time automatically, you though weren’t supposed to came though the portal grabbed the wrong person so I don’t know how to send you back.”

“Oh great.” He sighed as the other him rushed across the room to hug Kiros.

“That’s wonderful now we can be together forever!”

The spoiled brat version of Squall stood up. “I would just like to say something.”


“Me and Squallina want to express our love for each other and I want her to come with me to my world, we jump together.”

Leon made a face. “But- you’re both the same person, you’re both a version of me or us.”

“So? Squallina’s the one I’ve been looking for, we can be happy and at least we already have the same name for when we get married.”


“Oh yes of course we have to get married.”

Squall rested his head on Zell’s shoulder. “This gets more fucked up by the minute.”

2 hours and 4 Squalls later.

All Squall copies had gone home, Squallina and the spoiled one had jumped together confessing their love all the way. And now everything was normal well almost everything.

Kiros lay on the bed in the room that Squall had given him in garden. There was a knock at the door disturbing his peace and quiet. He looked at the door, willing the person to go away but more knocking came. He got up and slowly opened the door, the figure slipped inside quickly.

“Hi Kiros.”

“AHH! Laguna what the hell are you doing?”

“Don’t you like it?”

“Which Laguna are you?”

“The proper one, your one, don’t you recognize me?”

“Err- n-no n-not right now.”

The brunette stood in front of him wearing a catholic schoolgirl outfit, complete with plaited skirt, shirt tied up high in a knot and body glitter lined his cheeks and eyelids.

“I thought you might like it, I was trying for sexy.” He paused to look down at himself. “Do you think I managed it?”

“Err- y-y-yeah y-you did well.”

He grinned.

“I just don’t understand.”

“The others suggested it to get you to notice me instead of that… whore.”

There was another knock at the door. “Wait one second for me to answer that, okay?” He pushed Laguna back a bit out of sight and answered the door again.


Another Laguna told on his doorstep and this one was dressed as a sexy pink bunny girl with little rabbit ears on top of his head, a fluffy cottontail and a furry bikini. His body had pink body glitter on. “Hi, thought you might like some company.” He hopped into the room smiling at Kiros but glared as soon as the other Laguna walked up.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“Me? What are you doing here? And what are you wearing?”

“Me? What are you wearing?”

The dark man rubbed his head, feeling another headache coming on. “Okay guys, please don’t get into another fight.”

“But Kiros, he’s trying to steal you from me!” The bunny Laguna hugged him desperately from behind.

“He was never yours to start with.” The schoolgirl Laguna hugged him from the front.

Kiros looked down at the Laguna he could see. “Get off, both of you.”

The schoolgirl one pouted. “Just for a minute until I know who’s who.”

“It’s me Kiros, can’t you tell? Why can’t you tell? I’m nothing like him, I never throw myself at you!” He said while wearing a sluty schoolgirl outfit.

“I’m the one you want Kiros! Take me instead! I love you honest! I promise you’ll have all the sex you can handle.”

The other Laguna looked disgusted. “See? I would never say that Kiros, I’m the real me.”

The dark man reached for the telephone. “Both of you just sit for one minute, okay?”

They sat down.


“Hello?” Squall answered on the end of the phone.

“Squall, it’s Kiros… why are you panting? Wait, I don’t want to know, I need your help can you come to my room?”


“Yes now it’s very important. I have two Lagunas, but I don’t know which is which.”

“How can you not know? Our one is the sane-ish one, the one that does chase you around, the one that does try to get into your pants at every opportunity, does that help?”

“I think you’d better come here, now and bring Zell if you want.”

The brunette sighed. “Fine.”

10 Mins later.

“You better have a damn good reason for calling us out this late.”

Kiros led them into the living room to where the Laguna sat. Squall clapped a hand to his eyes. “God, scarred for life! Dad what the hell are you doing?”

Both Lagunas jumped up. “It’s not me, it’s him!” They pointed at each other.

“You see my problem? Which one is the right one? They’re both throwing themselves at me, both acting a little too crazy, both trying to get into my pants so which is the real one?”

They both pointed at themselves. “I am Kiros, don’t you see?” They glared at each other. “Stop lying, I saw him first he’s mine!”

“Stop lying or Kiros and I will never get to confess our undying love for each other.”

“I say the schoolgirl one.” Zell said, pointing at him.

The schoolgirl Laguna nodded. “See, listen to Zell he recognizes me!”

“You have to pick me Kiros, we used to date before you know you want me or one of me.” He glared at the other Laguna.

Squall made a face you two used to date? Before my mother?”

“No we didn’t, we kissed once but that was it.”

The bunny Laguna frowned at his double. “You didn’t even date him before?” He huffed.

Squall held the door open. “Go on, out you go other Laguna.” The bunny hung his head and left sadly.

“What are we going to do with him?” Kiros asked.

“Kill him?” Laguna asked hopefully.

Squall frowned at the costume. “I don’t know which one was better the bunny outfit or that?”

“What wrong with my outfit?”

“You look like a common slut.”

“Well that’s the point.”

“We could shove him in the portal and see what happened like we did with the Squalls.”

“But he could go anywhere.”

“At least he won’t be here, I say do it.” Laguna said with a nod.

Squall and Zell left the room and Kiros gave his friend a worried.

“It was Quistis’ fault and Selphie blame them for this! I just wanted you to like me.”

“You don’t have to dress like that for me to like you.”

Laguna hugged him gingerly this time, after all the throwing himself at Kiros now he was afraid to hug him but the taller man hugged him back without hesitation.

The other Laguna fell through the portal after Seifer had shoved him through; he landed with a thud in a field in front of yokel Squall.

“Well hey you sorta look like ma pa.”




TA DA! Wasn’t that silly?

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