The Unattainable
Disclaimer(s): I use a song in here called P5hng Me A*wy which is by Linkin Park. It's on their Reanimation CD (which kicks major butt, by the way - I fully reccomend buying) so it's the remixed version of Pushing Me Away. I was writing another lil stand-alone to a different song and I heard it any the bunnies attacked me. Anyway, I don't own the song. I don't have anything to do with Linkin Park other than buying their music and seeing them in concert. I also do not own Seifer nor Squall, Quistis, Selphie, Irvine, Zell, Cid, Ultimecia, anything to do with the FF8verse save for a few cards and a Seifer keychain. They are not mine. I'm just borrowing them. The bruises they did on their own and I cannot be held accountable for those.
Dedication: My very own tall, blonde, blue-eyed ray of sunshine. Wow, that was hoaky sounding. M'eh - he'll never read it so no worries. [laughs] I dedicate it to the guy who bought the CD for me and who helps me freak out my cousin on a regular basis.
AN: Seifer's POV. [stuff inside brackets are lyrics to the song!]
The Unattainable
[When I look into your eyes,
There's nothing there to see.
Nothing but my own mistakes,
staring back at me.]
I’ve tried to get over what happened to me. Nothing changes a personality as much as being fucked in the head by a real evil bitch. And the fact that I went with her willingly…well, that never helps. I can remember being afraid of Balamb-G exactly two times in my life. The first time was when I was eight years old. It was my first day there and I was alone. It terrified me. A week later, I couldn’t even remember why I had been afraid. The second time had been when I was fishing with Fuu and Raijin at Balamb Harbor. Balamb-G had flown over head and I stopped laughing to just stare at it. It was beautiful. They won, so it would stay beautiful.
[I've lied to you
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you]
Like I said, I’ve tried to get over it all. It’s hard. Very, very hard. Everyone has been very supportive. Dr. Kadowaki has done nothing but lend her shoulder every ten minutes when I felt like I would burst into tears. Zell protected me, amazingly enough. He smiles shyly at me now with the sort of odd curiosity in his eyes that tells me he’d like to explore his sexuality. With me. Sorry Zell, not interested. I mean, don’t get me wrong – he’s gorgeous…but not my type, you know? See, there’s this brunette with these moody gray eyes and tousled I’ve-Just-Been-Fucked hair that never fails to get the ol’ pipes going. And you think that’s bad? You should see my reaction when he wears those black leather pants and all those belts. …What was I saying again?
[Everything falls apart,
even the people who never frown
eventually break down
Everything has to end
You'll soon find
We're out of time left to watch it all unwind
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie]
I have been hiding in a lie – no matter how much I don’t want to admit it. I’ve been lying to myself and to everyone practically my entire life. I told Rinoa my truth to her recently…I had to – I was dying inside. I needed to tell somebody and for some reason, she seemed to be the best choice. And I was right in that decision. She simply smiled and told me in that disturbing way of hers that she knew. She knew that I used her to lie to myself, to tell myself that I was straight. I asked her how she knew and she got this funny look on her face.
"You called out his name," she whispered. Oh. She knew.
[Everything falls apart,
even the people who never frown
eventually break down
Everything has to end
You'll soon find
We're out of time left to watch it all unwind
The sacrifice is never knowing]
Maybe…just maybe…it was time that he knew too. He and Rinoa had broken up mere weeks after the Ultimecia incident… She claims its because they weren’t meant to be, but says it with enough barely covered sorrow that I know she still loves him. He’s so well loved and doesn’t even know it. Hyne, Rinoa makes three people I know that love him. Quisty says she’s always loved him…but I don’t know if I believe that or not. I think it may be misplaced love. But I’m not a shrink, so I guess I wouldn’t really know. And yeah, I’d be the third person who’s in love with him. Pitiful, isn’t it?
[Why I stay,
when you just push away,
no matter what you see,
you're still so blind to me.
I've tried like you
to do everything you wanted to
this is the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you]
I asked for a transfer to Trabia-G. Selphie and Irvine went there about six months back and I really do feel like I’m suffocating every time I step foot onto Balamb Island. I needed to get the hell out of there. Cid wanted to know why I wanted it a year after everything that happened – a few months after I was given SeeD status, much to most of the world’s dismay – to go now.
I couldn’t bear to tell him it was because I was falling apart. That it was because…because Squall saw me but he didn’t really see me. And that every day I saw the brunette I could feel my heart break.
[Everything falls apart,
even the people who never frown
eventually break down
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie.]
I refused to live within that lie anymore. I simply could not function like that. And by hiding in my lie to Headmaster Cid, I sacrificed the only way I would ever see the man I loved by being sent away. But who was I kidding? He would never feel like that about me. I wasn’t worth it.
[Everything has to end
You'll soon find
We're out of time left to watch it all unwind
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I stay,
when you just push away,
no matter what you see,
you're still so blind to me.]
I was surprised when he showed up to drive me to the train station. I had been hoping I would’ve been able to walk there – you know, clear my mind a little.
"Why are you leaving?" I can still hear his voice ringing clearly in my head. He sounded so hurt…so…lost maybe? But he wouldn’t look at me.
"I need to. I can’t be here anymore…it hurts too much." The rest of the ride was in silence.
[Reverse psychology
is failing miserably.
It's so hard to be
left all alone.
Telling you is the
only chance for me
there's nothing left
but to turn and face you.
When I look into your eyes,
There's nothing there to see.
Nothing but my own mistakes,
staring back at me, asking
Why...]
I have to wonder if I made the right choice. He seemed shocked when I finally told him. We were at the train and I was climbing into it with my carry-on and he had just started to turn when I called out to him.
"I can’t stay because it hurts too much," I told him again. Squall’s face was that beautiful confused mask he got when he was thinking that made his scar crinkle on his forehead. I gave him that scar. I don’t know what it means to him, but mine means I belong to him. Always.
"What hurts too much?" he asked finally. The conductor gave us a look and told me that I needed to get on the train, that it was going to leave soon.
"Loving you." Yeah, he definitely seemed shock. It was written in his eyes and his mouth dropped open. "Didn’t you know? I’ve been in love with you my whole life. …I…I guess I just figured you should know."
[The sacrifice of hiding in a lie.
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I stay,
when you just push away,
no matter what you see,
you're still so blind to me.
Why I stay,
when you just push away,
no matter what you see,
you're still so blind to me.]
Well, I won’t be staying anymore. It’s been a week since I’ve seen Squall and I’ve managed to tell myself that he wasn’t going to call. That he was going to email or miraculously show up at my door. Well…I told him a long time ago that I’d tell him about my Romantic Dream one of these days. Just because he didn’t like it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. And believe me, at the rate I run out of tissues, it exists.
It’s just too bad that my dreams can’t come true. In fact, screw the pluralization of that – I just want one dream to come true. But I don’t understand him and I know he’ll never understand me. I’ve fallen apart too much and it’s just due time that I grow strong after my break down. Thank Hyne that the Headmistress here sympathizes with me. Yes, some part of Selphie loved Squall too. Does that surprise you? It shouldn’t – everyone wanted what they couldn’t have. And Squall was the definition of the unattainable.