Rated PG-13 for mentions for bad things happening to sheep

The Talentless Show

By Purple Penguin

I stared at the outfit that Selphie help up for me to wear.

“NO! No way!”

She smirked at me. I swear she was the devil in disguise I could just imagine the little horny and spiky tail sprouting from her body.

“Now Squall we’ve been over this before.” She looked at me like I was a disobedient child. “Either you take place in my little show or a certain picture might turn up in the Balamb garden weekly newspaper run by me.”

I paled at she waved it in front of me. This all Seifer’s fault, why was I here to suffer and he wasn’t.

“Don’t you think the headmaster will be pleased when this appears in the paper and hundreds of innocent junior cadets will be scarred for life over something this perverse?” She smiled evilly at me.

Last week Seifer, Irvine, Zell and I had got back from a club drunk and horny, I wasn’t thinking clearly when Seifer went down on me in the middle of the hallway by the directory and Selphie was on the prowl. The photo wasn’t very flattering, a lot of people knew about Seifer and me but I don’t think they were ready for this.

“Where’s Seifer? How come I’ve got to be the one to make a fool out of myself?”

She grinned. “Oh don’t worry I’ve got something lined up for Seifer and the others.”


She looked a little sheepish. “I’ve been busy getting victims- I mean volunteers for the show.” She handed me the outfit. “Now put this on and then make your way to the make-up station.”

I grimaced.

“And remember to shave your legs.”

I glared at her as she ran up and pinched my cheek. “Oh Squall you’ll make the best leading lady ever!”

I walked off in defeat carrying the red high-heeled shoes and the red sequined dress.

I walked back past a room with the door ajar on my way to get changed.

“This is all your fault! Stupid horny cowboy!”

“My fault? It was your idea!”

“It’s both of your faults. I can’t believe I agreed to do that.”

“I didn’t hear you complaining at the time.”

“I was Selphie and that camcorder! That is nothing wrong with threesomes!”

I stared in shock at the three men. Irvine I expected, Zell could be persuaded but Nida?

These things were getting worse and worse what else had people done.

“Hi Squall.”

I turned to see the running boy. “What are you in for?”

He fiddled with his fingers. “Well... I was on the balamb farm and....I’d been watching porn so I was desperate... and there as this sheep.....”

I slammed my hands over my ears. “I don’t want to know!”

I wobbled on my high-heeled shoes, my face felt heavy with make-up and my now hairless legs felt cold.

“Squall!” Selphie ran up to me. “You look beautiful!”

My expression scoured as I heard a familiar laughter behind me. “What the-”

I turned to see Seifer wearing a Navy uniform. “This is not fair! I have to humiliate myself by wearing this dress while he gets to look really hot in that uniform.” Seifer smirked at me.

Selphie leaned close and whispered to me. “He doesn’t know what he has to do yet.”

I cocked my head in questioning but she shook her head and walked off whistling ‘In the navy’ by the village people’.

I cracked up as Zell came in dressed as little Bo peep with a big frumpy dress, a violet bonnet and a crook in his hand. “Shut up Squall, or should I say Miss Leonhart.” He smirked at me. We both looked round as Irvine and Nida came in also dressed in navy uniforms and the running boy ran in on all-fours dressed as a sheep.

“I thought you lost all your sheep.”

Zell gave me the finger and went to stand with his sheep.

Selphie gave us each a script and a programme for the show.

“WHAT?!!” We all yelled in unison.

I was the lucky one even if I was on stage all the time, I grinned at poor Zell and the sheep.

“B-But I can’t sing!” Irvine protested.

Selphie shook her head. “Don’t blame me, just do your best.”


*Curtain goes up and out steps the leading lady*

*Crowd cheers, laughs and wolf-whistles.*

“Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Selphie’s talent show. All the performers are not volunteers and we are being held against our will.” He smiled sweetly.

“Baa, baa.” The running boy runs in on all-fours as a sheep.

Squall snickered as Zell trudged onto the stage after it. He folded his arms and glared at the crowd as they laughed.

He spoke with no enthusiasm and in his normal voice. “Oh dear, oh dear I’ve lost my sheep.”

The sheep ran back the other way bleating.

“Maybe you can help me Squallina.”

“I’ll help you charm back your sheep with my great singing.”

Squall winced at Rinoa’s voice he didn’t know she was in it. The young sorceress took centre stage and started to sing ‘eyes on me’ very badly and off key. Some of the crowd ran away, Squall and Zell got out their ear plugs, so that’s why Selphie gave them those. The sheep keeled over and died.

“You killed my sheep you bitch!”

“You interrupted my song, do you know how long I’ve been practising for that?”

“Not long enough! I’ve heard dying Ruby Dragons sound better than that.”

“How dare you?!”

Selphie dragged the two fighting girls off the stage when Rinoa ripped off Zell’s wig and he hit her with his crook.

Squall smiled sheepishly at the crowd. “Well enough of that. Please welcome the next act.”

Squall pressed play on the stereo at the side of the stage and Irvine, Seifer and Nida came out in Navy uniforms. The hall was filled with the song ‘In the navy by the village people’ and Irvine’s poor a tempts to sing a long. The three guys danced, fell over each other and their own feet. Nida who was at the end tripped fell into Seifer who fell into Irvine like dominoes they went down. The crowd laughed and cheered.

Seifer leapt up, grabbed Squall and ran. Irvine grabbed Zell and ran. Nida grabbed the sheep and followed them.

Selphie counted the money she had made through entrance fees. “I’m in the money, I’m in the money” She sang.

Suddenly a shadow fell over her. She turned and her eyes widened with fear.

“You. I’m sorry. Please don’t- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

She was never seen again.

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