Suffer
This is supposed to sound like a conversation with Seifer. I don't know who would have interview him but let's just all pretend. Okay? Good. This is a re-write of my orginal and hopefully better.
Please excuse anything in here that is a little weird sounding -like the whole thing- I accidentally drank some of the solution for my contact lenses. It tasted like tears. *Giggles*
Suffer
All of your struggles beneath your disguise
Drink from the reasons that hold you alive
'Til we're safe from the wounds of desire and pain
You must rise from the mounds of desire and change
-- Smashing Pumpkins : Suffer
Sadomasochism?
Now what does that mean to you? And what sort of question was that anyway? The kind they ask in those support groups or those that open cheesy chat shows with. One word. Try saying it in a room full of people, it'll cut them dead. They'll all stop and turn round and wait. Wait for you to explain that you weren't using 'The Word' in connection with yourself. And if you can't offer the desired explanation you are labelled as a freak by the people who alphabetise their CDs and spend their Friday nights at home with the dog.
It's not the sadist that gets to them. That is an understandable, though not spoken about, part of everyone. Sadism is all about power. After all doesn't the evil villain always try and take over the world? Personally, I think it's more the masochism that gets to them. The lust for pain is hard to understand as opposed to a lust for power.
But masochism isn't so much a lust for pain as a need, an addiction. Once it starts it can end up more powerful and satisfying than any orgasm.
And whether or not it starts as an addiction, that's how it inevitably ends. The body becomes addicted to pain, and its all so beautifully natural. Proof that you don't need heroin to fuck your mind and life up.
Don't laugh at that. You can try if you want. I imagine many of the people who I've told that to would have, had they the nerve. People tend not to laugh at me. At least, not after the first time. People are like animals only dumber. A few harsh kicks at appropriate times is just as effective as months of obedience training. I like to think I contribute to Balamb's high pass rate. I can do within weeks what it takes the patient instructors months to. If I could bottle it and sell it I'd make a million.
Why is pain addictive? Interesting question, I won't bore you with Biology, in a nutshell when the central nervous system registers pain, the first thing it does is kick in the reflexes. The second thing is release chemicals to numb the pain. Pain killers? Yes I suppose you could put it like that. And any junkie can tell you how addictive *they* are.
I've learnt how to inflict physical pain to such a degree it could almost be considered an art. Perfection. As with emotional pain. But while I'll happily talk to you about the physical side of this, I won't even begin to pretend to understand the allure of emotional torture as far as the victim's concerned. Perhaps you'd be better off to ask Dincht. The blonde one over there. Yeah, with hair like a chicken. I don't know if he actually enjoys the verbal and mental abuse I give him, but he keeps coming back for more. I've trained him to cringe at the sound of my voice and not to stand up when I knock him down. Why?! Because I'll knock him harder the next time.... But if rumour holds true, it's all because he wants me to fuck him. Fat chance. He may be fuck worthy, I'll grant him that, but…
He isn't Squall.
Which is a good thing, I guess. Hell, I couldn't deal with two frustratingly attractive emotional retards, one is more than enough.
Before you even suggest it, no. No it's not love. But there is something wonderfully satisfying in getting a reaction out of him. And you know something? I'm the only one who can do that to him. Any challenge, or attempt at conversation, from anyone other than myself is met with his cold, uninterested indifference. I take pride in that. True, public opinion is that I'm an egotistical bastard who takes pride in pretty much everything. But who am I to argue with public opinion?
And I'll be the first to break Squall. I'm sure of that. I was his first training partner, his first duel, and one way or another, I'll be his first lover. He'll give into me eventually. He will fight, in fact, I'm counting on it. But eventually he'll surrender and I'll capture his well hidden heart.
It's all a matter of knowing your prey. And how to make them suffer. Just enough so they come back for more...