It's not about 'that'. It never has been. I mean, as I sit here just gazing at him it's painfully clear to me that it's about a whole lot more than 'that'. I almost wish it was just.. well, y'know... lust. Geez, just thinking the word makes my cheeks burn. I shake my head, quickly looking away from him so he won't see the telltale color in my cheeks. I wish it was just about lust, but it's not. It's gone way beyond that.
I know the moment he looks at me. His eyes burning into my soul. I can't meet that deep brown gaze. I can't allow myself to indulge in that luxury, I'm too afraid he'll see everything I want to hide.
I love him.
Boy what an idiot I am. He could never feel the same way towards me. It's just.. not plausible. He's into females. I know this as well as I know that I'm not. Well... maybe I am actually. It's just, with him around .. what else is there? No, wait that's not what I meant. What I meant was with him around why would I want to look at anyone else? Where am I going with this? I'm not sure. I just... I just want him. Not just his body. Not just his mind. I want his heart.
He's still staring at me. I can feel his eyes. Gathering my courage I raise my eyes hesitantly and meet that questioning gaze. He tilts his head. I feel my cheeks getting warmer. I open my mouth, "I... I ..."
His eyebrows raise, the questions clear in his worried gaze. I never stutter around him, or Ward. Never. Maybe around other people if I get nervous enough, but never around them. Now I've really screwed things up haven't I? Make myself look like a fool and then just blurt out a confession of my love. Wouldn't that just be brilliant?
But I don't want to tell him. I don't want to risk losing him as a friend. He was my friend first, the man I loved after. My best friend... why the hell did I have to fall in love with my best friend?! The gods must hate me... or maybe ...
Maybe it's my punishment.
For abandoning my children...
For never telling Squall...
Oh, it doesn't matter why I suppose. The why won't change what happened. The why won't stop my feelings. No sense crying over spilled milk Ward used to say when he could speak. I suppose it's true. Somebody tell that to my heart.
"Something wrong?" He asks softly.
He can probably see the warring emotions in my face. He always seems to know what I'm thinking... does he know already how I feel? Has he figured it out? It would make things a million times easier. If he already knows, then I don't have to worry about how he'll react because he's acting like nothing happened and... none of this makes sense. But then, I never really make sense. Not even to myself.
Wow, but he's beautiful. Just looking at him makes me excited. My stomach starts to churn, my eyes blur, my brain shuts down. I want him, I love him, I need him.
I find myself leaning towards him until our noses are just touching. His eyes are huge, surprised, but I don't give him a chance to say anything. I press my lips to his quickly.
I'm in heaven.
Then he pushes against my chest and everything goes black.
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