Author's Notes: Au, Jack and beanstalk spoof sort of thing. SquallxIrvine, SeiferxZell.

Squall and the beanstalk

By Purple Penguin

Squall was a poor orphan boy who only had a tiny cottage and one cow called Rinoa. He was so desperate that he now stood before a tradesman who held the halter of his precious cow, the man had promised to pay good money for the animal but now the man shook his head.

“Sorry this is only a middle class cow, she’s not worth much.”

The cow frowned in her mind. She was more than a middle class cow, why the hell was she stuck being the damn cow anyway!

“But I can give you these magic beans.”

“Beans?” The boy looked at them as they were placed in his hand. “How are they magic? Do they make really big beans that I can eat?”

The man laughed. “You’re been watching too many fairytales, I don’t know how they’re magic, but that’s all I can offer you.”

The boy glanced between his cow and the beans before stepping back from his cow, petting her in goodbye. “Bye Rinoa, she’s yours.” He told the man.

The tradesman grinned and walked away with his nice new cow. “Thanks kid, good luck with those beans.”

The boy instantly went home and planted the beans in his garden, he watered them then waited and waited. Nothing happened and he got sleepy so he went to bed early.

First thing in the morning he glanced out of the window his eyes widened at the huge beanstalk that stood in his garden, it seemed to disappear into the clouds it was so tall. He gazed at all the beans on the huge stalk and grinned in excitement. He grabbed his special occasion clothes, being a pair of leather pants, black boots, white tee and leather jacket with a fur trim. (Don’t ask me why a poor boy would have those things, but it’s important for the story.) He ran outside and pulled out his trusty pocket knife, he started to climb the beanstalk, hacking off all the beans as he went up. The beans started to pile up in his garden below, he’d never be hungry again. He was surprised to see that the beanstalk branched off in different direction at a certain point, he pocketed the knife to stop collected beans, he had enough now and he was more curious about where the beanstalk went. He chose a direction to go in, climbing easily along the bean stalk, he froze as another man was climbed towards him.

Why was someone else on his beanstalk?

Where had he come from?

The man looked up just was surprised as he was to see someone else. “Um- hey.” He said in confusion. Squall pulled himself up onto one of the branches to sit down and glare at the other man.

“Who are you? And what are you doing on my beanstalk?”

The man pulled himself up beside him on the branch. He had long brown hair that was tied back in a pony tail sticking out under a strange hat. He had a long pale brown trench coat, purple vest and long boots.

“Your beanstalk? Its yours?”

“Yes, what are you doing to it?”

“Well what do you want me to do to your beanstalk?”

Squall opened his mouth to answer then shut in in confusion, the other man grinned. “Sorry had to get one beanstalk joke in there somewhere.”

“Who are you?”

“I’m Irvine, I didn’t know this was your beanstalk, I planted some seeds back at home in Galbadia and this morning a huge beanstalk grew up.”

“Well that’s what I did!”

The cowboy grinned flirtatiously. “See? It’s fate, we were destined to meet and be together.”

Squall frowned at him, ignoring that comment. “Do you know where this goes to?” He pointed up to the stalk.

“No but I’m going to find out, you willing to be my new travelling partner?”

“As long as you know travelling is all we’ll ever be doing together.”

The cowboy laughed. “What’s your name darling?”

“Don’t call me that, I’m Squall.”

The strange guy bowed low in front of him with cheesy grin.

Squall stared. Was this guy for real? “Lets go Mr. Loverboy.” The Squall started to climb up ahead of the cowboy, frowned when a wandering hand landed on his leather clad ass.

“Remove your hand before you lose it!” He hissed.

Irvine smiled at him and waved the offensive hand at him. “Okay, okay but you know if you want to be travelling with me you should show me a little more kindness… and maybe some skin.”

Squall turned his head and glared at him.”

Irvine laughed. “Only kidding.”

Squall stared to climb faster to get farther ahead of the cocky cowboy.

The baby cried and cried in his mother’s arms, she quickly tried to hush him all the while glancing around fearfully. Another man, a farmer wearing mere rags with greasy hair from days of imprisonment and mistreatment yelled at her to stop the child’s squalling.

“I can’t! He won’t stop!”

Footsteps boomed towards them. Heavy and getting closer by the second. Desperate hands made clumsily attempts to grab the kid from his mother but it was too late.

The tallest of the two giants loomed over their little cage causing all the humans to huddle at the back of the cage in fear. The blonde rubbed his head. “What is all that noise?”

A light went on in the bedroom and a voice called. “Seifer? What are you doing this time?”

“It’s not my fault, it’s that little human that’s the problem! Can I eat it, please? That’ll stop the noise!”

At his words the woman clutched the child to her chest tightly and turned away from the bars. The shorter giant ran out, his spiked hair floppy in his face from the shower, a large fluffy towel was all that covered his groin.

“Seifer we only have 9 humans left and besides you know that one’s not ripe yet.”

The tall giant slumped slightly putting on the puppy dog eyes expression but his lover frowned more. “No Seifer!”

The older man frowned, he never was good at doing the puppy dog eyes. “But baby-”

“No buts, Seifer!” The little blonde turned and went back inside the bathroom.

Seifer knelt beside the table that the cage was on and glared in at the people, he rested his chin on the edge of the table beside it and glared at them. The man nearest the bars lunged at him with a tiny knife, the giant jumped back in pain and pulled the tiny weapon from his cheek. He hit the top of the cage causing it tip and almost tip right over. The humans screamed in fear and the baby started to cry again. Seifer winced as the noise started up again and Zell shouted at him from the bathroom. “”Seifer, what have you done to those humans now?”

The blonde went back into the bathroom to see his lover in front of the mirror trying to get his hair to behave and stand up again. He went up behind him, wrapping his strong arms around his lover’s waist and his chin rested on a damp shoulder. He pouted to the best of his ability.

“You know you love me really chickie.”

The wet giant turned and accepted a small kiss. “Sorry but you know humans give you heartburn.”


“And this is my house, originally I mean, before you moved in.”


“You coming to bed?”

“Hmm in a minute.” He pushed off and stood straight.

His lover smiled. “Well okay.” He unwrapped the towel from around his waist and hung it over a rail, he teasingly turned to look over his shoulder at the taller man. His lover whimpered slightly.

“I-I’ll be there in a minute.” He quickly turned and went out to the living room and walked up to the cage again he smirked at the caged humans.

“Don’t you like it here? Do you wish you were free?”

He opened the cage door and held it open. “Go on then, off you go, I’m setting you free.”

They hesitated.

“Last chance, don’t you want to leave me?”

A couple of male humans started forward for the door but it was slammed in their faces and the giant laughed at them. “Only kidding!”

He turned and grin slipped away as he saw Zell with his arms folded, glaring at him. “You cruel bastard.”

“But that’s why you love me, right?” He smiled hopefully.

The little blonde smiled back and kissed him before disappearing again into the bedroom. Seifer switched off the light casting the humans into darkness and following his little lover.

Irvine reached the top of the beanstalk and pulled Squall up with him. The brunette glanced around, it looked like they were in a garden except that a daffodil towered above his head and a tree seemed to disappear into the clouds as tall as the beanstalk itself.

“What the hell?” He took a step back and walked into Irvine, he jumped and the cowboy grinned. “Don’t worry baby, I’ll protect you.”

The brunette stormed off. This was just his luck, he had found a new place to explore and he had to be with a complete cocky bastard who seemed desperate to get into his pants. At least the cowboy couldn’t pick him flowers.


He turned.

“Look up there.”

The brunette followed his finger at the huge insect with colourful wings that swooped over his head.

“Wow.” He whispered. He looked back at his companion to see his walk off. “Where are you going?”

“This looks like a garden so there’s got to be a house right?

Squall stopped. “Wait, that means people, are you sure we should be going to find them?”

“Scared Squally?” He walked backwards. “Come on it’s an adventure, what’s the rush? Have you got a little wife or lover to get home to?”

Squall shook his head. “I have nothing back there, only a little house.”

“You poor?”

Squall nodded.

Irvine shook his head. “Well no more Squally, you’re too pretty for that.”

“Don’t call me that and I’m not pretty.”

“Oh you know you are.” He smiled. “You know who I am, right?”

At Squall’s blank look he continued. “I’m Prince Martine’s son.”

“You’re a prince?” Squall stared.

“Err- Yeah.”

“Then why are you here? Don’t you have Princely things to do?”

Irvine shrugged. “It gets boring, you know? My father is forever dragging me to parties with stuffy old people and whining girls and things like that.” He looked at Squall. “We have sure a big house and it’s only me and my father living there.” He leant on Squall’s shoulder. “You’re welcome to take up one of the spare rooms.”

Squall gave him a suspicious look. “You know that I can’t pay you so what exactly do you want from me to earn my keep?”

The cowboy laughed. “Nothing sweetheart.”

Squall winced at the name.

“But you know at these parties my father is forever setting me up with these horrid guys and girls and you can help with that, just stand and talk to it’s easy.. And obviously look interested in me but then that’s easy isn’t it?”

Squall rolled his eyes, stopping as he spotted a huge building in front of him. “Wow.”

It was a really house only really huge and high up. The door was wooden and the handle was golden. Irvine walked around to look at the window, he went pale and backed up. “Don’t think they are friendly.”

“What is it?” Squall asked, going to stand with his companion. They stared up at the cage of humans on the table.

“How can we get in?”

“In?” The cowboy stared at him. “Are you crazy?”

“We have to get those people out, you wanted an adventure didn’t you?”

Irvine sighed and followed Squall up to the house, the brunette started to climb up the ivy that was up the side of the house, Squall grabbed the window sill and pulled himself up. Irvine followed him up there, reluctantly. The glass was luckily open a little way and Squall ducked underneath it, jumping onto the table. The room was empty and silent for the moment, the cowboy watched the people clamber to the side of the cage begging Squall to save them.

“Irvine can you find a key?”

He watched one of the prisoners point to the edge of the table and he moved closer to hear the man tell him that the key was in a drawer or secret compartment in the table. The cowboy sat on the edge and hooked his fingers in the small gap to push the drawer open. Squall sat down beside him and helped. The brunette grabbed the edge of the key and pulled it across the table. The woman inside went wide-eyed suddenly and pointed across the room. Heavy footsteps approached. The key was passed to the prisoners and the cowboy pulled his new friend behind the cage to hide.

Seifer frowned at the strange noise, he peered into the cage. All the humans stood along the back of the cage but that was normal, they feared him. He turned around then turned back quickly but they looked the same he was about to walk away thinking he had imaged it when there was small metallic noise of something metal falling. The humans had dropped the key on the floor of the cage. The giant turned and moved back to the cage, he opened the door, about to reach in when two other humans shot out from behind the cage and ran across the table. The giant forgot the cage instantly and went after the two guys that got to the end and panicked at how far down it was. Seifer grinned and reached quickly, grabbing one of them by the belts. The brunette struggled as he swung back and forth.

“Well aren’t you a pretty little thing?”

The cowboy on the table frowned up at him. “Hey you give him back right now!”

Seifer smirked. “Or what?”

There was a puff of purple smoke behind him causing him to jump and look round. The wicked witch from sleeping beauty told there laughing evilly. She stopped and glanced around looking sheepish. “Oops sorry wrong fairytale.” She clicked her fingers and disappeared again.

Seifer shrugged it off and turned back but all he held now were a couple of belts and the cage of empty. He glanced at the open window and hurried to the door.

“Seifer! Where the hell are you going?”

He paused briefly. “Zell! Come on, the humans have escaped!”

His lover looked at the empty cage. “Well how did that happen? What did you do?”

“Nothing. There were two other humans, they had the key and-”

“Well don’t just stand there, go get them back!”

“I was going to but-” He sighed and hurried out of the door, shaking his head at his lover.

Squall helped the others down the beanstalk ahead of him then followed them down, he glanced up, hearing the giant running after them. “Hurry!”

The cowboy stopped halfway down at the junction of branches and took out his lighter.

“What are you doing?” Squall asked.

“Stopping the giant from following us, you go head and tell the others to hurry.”

The brunette frowned. “Wait a minute you smoke?”

“Nah but I thought as you’ve got the leather pants in a supposedly old fashioned time I thought I wanted a lighter…” He paused. “And of course a few condoms.”

Squall shook his head. “Anyway get on with it, burn this thing down.”


All the people got to the bottom and Squall made it just as the plant went up in smoke.


The brunette pulled the singed man back from the fire and into his lap. “Irvine!” He shook him, till violet eyes opened and smiled up at him, then he looked down at where he laid. He grinned. “See? Knew you wanted me really?”

Squall got up quickly and the cowboy hit the floor.

Seifer had just got onto the beanstalk when flames flared up at him and he quickly went back up and into his garden, he poured buckets of water onto it to save his lawn. “Zell! My humans got away!”

His lover frowned.

“It’s not my fault! They burnt my beanstalk, my source of humans, now what? We’ll go hungry! Starve to death! Die! We’re doomed!”

Zell walked up to him with a sigh “We always have the vegetable garden to feed on, time to go veggy.”

Seifer stared in horror. “NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”



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