Disclaimer: I own nothing, so don't even bother. Yaoi. Fan Fiction. Seifer Almasy. Squall Lionheart. Final Fantasy 8.
But, anyway, this is another parody. I like parody. It's good. I like making fun of these guys. A lot of swearing and cursing and mature themes, but not as bad as all that. See Ya! Booya!
By Miss Dincht
There was absolutely no fucking way that they would get out of this one alive. Squall looked over at Seifer, who was grinning evilly, and cursed his rotten luck. Yes, this was definitely the end. Squall looked down at Zell and shook his head. The blonde was lying in a pool of blood with a stupid look of surprise on his tattooed face. Squall would have kicked Zell if the little asshole weren't already damn near unconscious. He'd told Zell to chill out on the Phoenix Downs. Who uses 99 Phoenix Downs in one battle? As soon as any of them so much as looked like they were gonna collapse Zell had reached in his pocket and tossed a Phoenix Down, and so now their store was depleted.
Squall looked over at Irvine, who was faring as badly as Zell was. The Cowboy was down on his knees, out of breath, blood dripping from his lips. Squall wanted to slap the vain son - of - a - bitch. HARD. So hard that maybe his head would fall off. The idiot never used it anyway. At least not the one on his head. Who in the hell junctions Fire to their Lifeline this late in the game? Irvine - fucking - Kinneas, who else? He'd been so intent on screwing Selphie the other night the asshole Cowboy had forgotten to Junction any good magic. Squall could have screamed.
Squall actually wasn't any better off. His Guardian Forces had all been KO’d. He was out of all the major spells, and for some reason he was out of all Life magic. Squall cursed again when he remembered that he'd given all his Life magic to Selphie because she'd wanted to add some "life" to that lame ass spaghetti dinner she'd cooked them last night. Squall's stomach rumbled angrily as he remembered last night's "meal". He still hadn't recovered from the rock hard meatballs she'd added to the sauce, although he could admit that if he had one right now he could throw it at Seifer. That would defiantly kill the smirking bastard.
"Fuck." Squall hissed.
Seifer raised his hand and a spark of electricity danced around his gloved fingers. The blonde smirked and Squall sneered in response.
"This is it Lionheart. The end of the fucking line." Seifer growled. He laughed uproariously, and Squall wished he could knock the blonde's head off of his shoulders.
Squall cursed yet again and looked around frantically for some way out of this. He supposed he could turn and run. He had no qualms about leaving Irvine and Zell behind, but Seifer would probably get him before he could get out of the room. He searched his magic stores frantically for anything, just one spell that would tip the balance of power. Nothing. He was nearly dry. He had a Bio, some Sleeps, plenty of Scans, and a few Zombies, but that was it.
All was lost.
Squall grimaced as the lightening that danced around Seifer's fingers formed a brilliant ball of white heat. This was it. It was all over.
"Bye, Bye, Lionheart." Seifer said. He laughed triumphantly.
That's when something in Squall's mind clicked.
A light bulb came on above Squall's shaggy head and he dropped his Gunblade. "Wait!!!" he shouted.
"What? Got something you wanna get off your chest before I kill ya, Lionheart?" Seifer said. He grinned wickedly. "What the heck. I'll let you say your piece. Go ahead, I'm listenin'."
Squall licked his lips and took off his jacket.
"What the hell are you doin' Squall?" Zell cried from the floor.
"Shut up, Zell." Squall said. He gave Zell a good, hard kick in the ribs and the little blonde fell silent.
Squall tossed his jacket aside.
Seifer raised an eyebrow. "What the fuck is goin' on here?" he bellowed.
Squall removed his shirt and dropped it on the ground.
Seifer's eyes nearly popped out of his head. The ball of lightening he'd been holding vanished. His concentration was completely broken.
Squall unfastened his pants and they fell to his ankles.
Zell's eyes widened and Irvine coughed up more blood.
Squall kicked off his pants then slowly removed his tight, silk briefs.
"Shit!" Irvine yelled before falling forward.
Zell screamed in agony and passed out.
Squall put his hands on his hips and posed beautifully.
Seifer stumbled forward, eyes wild and tongue hanging out of his mouth, hands reaching desperately for Squall's nude body. Squall turned around and bent over, making sure that his legs spread slightly as he assumed the position. Seifer tossed Hyperion aside and broke into a run, unfastening his pants as he went. When he'd almost reached Squall's exposed ass, the brunette stood up and bolted for the door. Seifer was right behind Squall, running fast enough to break all current world records.
When the hollering, cursing, and screaming started, Irvine, who was still slightly conscious, wished to Hyne he'd been killed. Sadly, he never lost consciousness, and he was forced to listen as the whole thing went down. He couldn't even begin to fathom what was happening in the other room, but if the shrill screams and Grat - like grunts and groans were any indication, someone was having one Hell of a time. Irvine groaned and prayed to Hyne for a savior.
Selphie and Quistis were shocked when Squall, Zell, and Irvine emerged unharmed from the depths of the Lunatic Pandora. The two young ladies looked at the three young men and couldn't help but wonder at their appearance and the looks on their faces. Squall was topless, his hands on his hips, and a wide grin on his face. Zell and Irvine looked mortified.
"What happened!!? What happened?! Selphie asked.
"How did you escape! We never thought you'd make it?" Quistis said.
Squall snapped his fingers and skipped off toward the Ragnarok.
Quistis watched Squall leave then turned to look at Zell and Irvine.
"What happened in there?" she asked. "Did you defeat Seifer?"
Irvine and Zell sweat - dropped.
"I guess you could say that." Irvine mumbled.
"So how did you do it?" Selphie asked.
Irvine looked at Zell. The little blonde's eyes rolled up in the back of his head and he passed out.
Irvine looked back at the girls. "Uh, Squall used…..a…'special' move." He mumbled before he passed out as well.
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