Sharpshooters Never Fail Twice

By Kursed SeeD

Okay, so yeah, I kind of fucked up with the assassination on Sorceress Edea. I couldn't help it. All the pressure, I just froze up.

But I think I have finally figured out a way to make amends for that.

I'm supposed to kill a sorceress, right? 'Coz sorceresses are evil beings who threaten the very structure of our world... or at least, that's what Martine told me.

Here's the thing. I was never told which sorceress I had to kill. It was just "assassinate the sorceress", so that could mean any sorceress I choose.

I find it completely coincidental that we just happen to have a sorceress in our group. Sure, maybe she's on the side of good now, but what about later? What happens if she goes bonkers and tries to destroy the whole world?

I, being the great and caring man that I am, cannot allow such a thing to happen.

My mission is now clear.

I must kill Rinoa.

I failed killing a sorceress once, I won't fail again.

Simply 'coz no one will see it coming.

My first chance to kill Rinoa came while we were on the moon. Sure, she was a catatonic sorceress, but that didn't matter! The fate of the world was in my hands.

I was just going to go in there and shoot her point blank, but that would have caused too much attention. (You know how evil sorceresses always have their evil groupies!) I watched Squall follow her when she woke and I got another idea. I followed them out.

Squall and Rinoa put on spacesuits, Squall trying to catch Rinoa before she got out into space.

I had seen the button before. I knew what to do.

You know what button I'm talking about. That big red button that says "DO NOT TOUCH".

I waited until Rinoa was out in space, but Squall was still inside the vessel, and pushed the button.


The door slammed shut. Rinoa was trapped out in space, with little fuel and oxygen!

I had honestly thought my mission was complete. When we got back, I was going to announce that I had single-handedly saved the world from certain doom.

But, nooo! Squall had to go out into space, rescue Rinoa and ruin my plans!!!

Goddamnit, one of these days I will succeed.

My second chance as during the adventure at Ultimecia's castle. Rinoa was in my party, and Selphie was distracted with something sparkly that had caught her attention.

I had noticed before that the chandelier would fall down if you walked across it. It was time to turn Rinoa into a pancake.

"Hey, Rinoa!"

She turned to me, "What?"

I smiled at her, turning on the charm, "Could you do me a big favour, sweetie?"

She grinned back at me, "Sure."

"Go down below, right below that chandelier and check the floor."

She looked confused, "Why?"

Oh shit... she wasn't supposed to ask why! "Umm... er... I, uh, lost my wallet down there! It fell earlier!"

"Oh, okay! I'll go get it!" She ran off quickly.

I silently jumped for joy. Yessss!!!

I kept a careful eye down below, and when I saw her under the chandelier, I made my move.

I ran across the chandelier, jumping backwards when it started to fall.

"Oh my god!!" Selphie screamed, "Rinoa was down there!!!"

I put on the fakest worried look I could muster, "Come on!!! Let's go make sure she's dea... I mean, okay!!!"

Selphie and I raced down there.

My heart broke right then.

I just felt like dying myself.

There stood Rinoa, alive and well.

"But... but... how... how did you... how?" I stammered. How could my plan have failed again?!

"That was close, wasn't it? But luckily, I found your wallet in just enough time to dodge out of the way!" She held up a plain brown leather wallet.

I, of course, had never seen this wallet before in my life. How was I supposed to know some idiot would have actually dropped a wallet there?

"Oh, thanks Rinoa." I mumbled, taking the wallet from her.

I started to walk away, but Rinoa stopped me.

"Hey Irvine?"


"Why does your ID say your name is Billy Joe Whataspunkin?"

I blinked and Selphie looked at me curiously. Damn!

"Well... um... that's my real name... but don't ever tell anyone that, understand?!"

Rinoa and Selphie promised, giggling.

My third chance comes at the ball held in our honour. Rinoa is standing outside, next to a balcony, with Squall.

My plan is simple, desperate. I'm running out of ideas here.

I'm going to pretend to be completely smashed. And, in trying to give Rinoa a big friendly hug, I'm going to 'accidentally' push her off of the balcony.

What could possibly go wrong with that?

"HEYY!!! SRINOA!!!!" I screamed stupidly, stumbling a little bit. "WASSSUPP?!?!!?!"

Rinoa waved at me embarrassedly.


She looked confused, until Squall whispered something into her ear. Then she nodded.

Show time!

I ran as fast as I possible could, basically tackling the girl.

She went straight over the edge.

"OH NOOO!!!" I screamed in fake drama, "I THINK I JUST KILLED SRINOA!!!"

Everybody started to gather around the balcony, and I almost started to do my little 'victory dance' when I suddenly heard a small voice.

"I'm okay!!!"


Squall helped his little evil princess up and she dusted off her dress.

She mistook my growing rage at her as being rage for myself for almost killing her. Well I was mad that I failed yet again but it's all her fault!

She touched my arm reassuringly and smiled, "It's okay, Irvine. I know you didn't mean to."

"The fuck I didn't!"

That's it. I'm going to kill her now.

"Huh?" She looked halfway scared, halfway confused.

I pounced on her and started viciously pummeling her in the head.

"Why. Couldn't. You. Just. Die?!" I screamed at her.

"You're going to kill her!" I heard someone shout.

Well, obviously.

Zell quickly pulled me off of the now injured Rinoa. "What in the fuck are you thinking, Irvine?!"

Zell, Quistis and Selphie tried to drag me as far away from Rinoa as they could get me, while Squall was checking her injuries.

"Oh no you don't!" I cried, drawing Exeter from my trench coat. "You're not getting away again!"

I shot her in her chest. I watched her stumble back, clutching her heart. Even when dying, she had to be dramatic.

But Rinoa apparently forgot about the balcony. She just kept stumbling backwards, until she fell off of the balcony, down into oblivion.

This time, there would be no little voice saying, "I'm okay!"

Everyone is stunned into silence for a few minutes.

Then I can't help but start dancing. "Woohoo! I did it!! I killed the evil sorceress!"

Everyone turns to me, their mouths agape.

"What in the name of Hyne were you thinking?" Quistis asked.

"Well.. you know.. I was hired to assassinate a sorceress.. and I figured, since I messed up so badly with Edea, I could make up for it by killing Rinoa!"

"But she wasn't evil!!" Selphie cried.

I nodded seriously, "Yes, but what about in the future? She could have turned into some ugly creature with a desire for time kompression!"

Quistis rolled her eyes and sighed, "Irvine, you were not supposed to kill Rinoa!"

Everyone else cried, "Yeah!"

Everyone that is, except for Squall.

Quistis turned to Squall. "Don't you have anything to say about this???"

Squall was silent for a minute and then threw his arms around my waist. "Thank you!! Thank you so much!!"

"Ummm.. are you supposed to be thanking him? He just killed your girlfriend!" Zell asked, confused.

"Girlfriend?!" Squall cried, "She wasn't my girlfriend! She was just an annoying little pest who wouldn't go away! I just kept saving her because you guys made me! And besides, now this means I am free to marry my one true love, Seifer!"

Hearing his name, the taller blonde ran into the room, giving Squall a passionate kiss and groping him.

Boy, you could of heard a pin drop with that kind of silence.

"" Quistis asked timidly.

"Hell yeah!" Squall cried, straightening out his SeeD uniform, "What.. did you think I was straight or something? The game so obviously pointed to my homosexuality."

Seifer nodded, "Seriously. Thanks cowboy!"

Everyone was confused except for me. I tipped my hat towards Squall and Seifer, "Ain't no problem. Just doin' my job."

I started to whistle and walked away.

Behind me, Squall and Seifer went back to their making out session, Quistis cried because she was convinced she turned Squall gay, Selphie passed out from happiness due to "Over-Yaoi-ism" and Zell just stood there all night, his mouth gaping open.

And as for Rinoa. They never did find her body. Some say she used her evil powers and flew away before she died.

But it's okay. I always keep myself armed and ready.

Just in case the world ever needs a good sharpshooter again.

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