Disclaimer: I own nothing, so don't even bother. Seifer X Squall, so get out if you don't like it. This is actually Shonen - Ai, so no heavy sex scenes here.
Yet ANOTHER Parody……..
A lot of swearing and cursing and mature themes, but not as bad as all that.
Seifer Almasy's Proposal
By Miss Dincht
Seifer Almasy stood up and tossed his fishing rod into the sparkling waters. He turned dramatically and lifted his arms toward the Heavens. Although the sky was crystal clear, a clap of thunder could be heard and a streak of lightening flashed across the sky. A harsh wind blew across the waters and a great symphony, music that sounded like a chorus of angels, boomed loudly in the distance.
"Fuck it, man!! I'm gonna do it!!" Seifer hollered as loudly as possible.
Fujin and Raijin looked at each other. Fujin then kicked Raijin in the back of the leg, and the gigantic Indian man screamed.
"That hurt, ya know?" he said as he rubbed his leg.
"SEIFER PISSED OFF." Fujin intoned.
"Hell, yeah I'm pissed off. No fucking way I'm lettin' it end like this." Seifer said as he lowered his arms. "I'm gonna do it."
"ASK SQUALL?" Fujin said.
Seifer grinned and nodded. "Yeah, that's right, ask Squall, so you two scrubs gotta help me pick out a ring." He said.
"SQUALL ANGRY. ANGRY AT SEIFER. SQUALL SEETHING WITH ANGER AT SEIFER." Fujin said.
"Yeah, I know, but maybe he'll give me a break. I mean it's not like I meant to do it. Ultimecia possessed me. I probably wouldn't have done it otherwise. Well, maybe I would have, but that's beside the point." Seifer said.
Fujin shook her head. "RING IMPOSSIBLE. BAD CREDIT." She said as she swiped at the air.
Seifer scratched his head. "We can get around that." He mumbled. "Maybe we can find something cheap. I've still gotta couple of thousand Gil left." He fished around in his pant pocket.
"STORE, CLOSING SOON." Fujin said.
"I know. So, we gotta hurry." Seifer said. He grabbed Hyperion and ran up the pier. Fujin and Raijin dropped their fishing rods and followed.
The woman in the jewelry store blanched when she saw the three hoodlums walk through the front door of her shop.
"You got a ring I could buy, lady?" Seifer said as he strolled up to the counter.
"W - We, ah, may have something." She said as she gripped the counter. After a few minutes, she managed to collect herself and remove a ring of keys from around her wrist. She watched the tall blonde intently as she bent down to open one of the jewelry cases. She had seen him somewhere before, but she couldn't quite remember where. So much had happened in Dollet since the war with the Sorceress, and there were so many new faces in town.
"What would you like to see?" she said, trying to sound as calm as possible.
The blonde shrugged. "I need something cheap." He said.
"Well, the least expensive ring we have is this one." She said. She pointed to a simple gold band with a huge, sparkling rock. She removed it from the tray and handed it to Seifer. Seifer grinned widely as he looked it over.
"Looks awesome, ya know?" Raijin said as he eyed the glittering jewel.
Seifer's grin widened. "Yeah. This has real class." he said. He pushed it at Fujin so she could take a good look at it.
The platinum blonde squinted her one red eye then shook her head. Her pretty pink lips curled into a vicious snarl, and she uttered a sound of disdain. "CUBIC ZIRCONIA." She intoned as she swiped at the air.
"WHAT?!!!" Seifer growled. He slammed the ring down on the counter.
The saleswoman whimpered and covered her face expecting a blow. Seifer leaned over the counter and grabbed her by her collar.
"Look lady, I ain't givin' the love of my fucking life no Cubitz Zirconium." He growled. "What else you got?"
"Hyne save me!" the woman cried. "I know you! You’re the Sorceress' Knight! Help!! Help!!"
The woman reached beneath the counter and pushed a button. An alarm sounded.
"Shit!" Seifer said as he released the woman's shirt and looked about him wildly.
Raijin looked out of the store window. "We better scram, ya know? Cops are commin'!" he said.
Seifer reached behind the counter and grabbed a tray of rings. He dashed out of the store - Fujin and Raijin right behind him - and hauled ass out of Dollet.
"Well, looks like we're gonna have to walk to Timber." Seifer said when they were out of the city limits.
"So which one do you like?" Seifer asked. He and Raijin were crouched close to the ground, the ring tray between them in the grass. Fujin was sitting on a rock looking down at the glittering jewels, inspecting each ring very carefully. She wrinkled her nose then picked up three rings from the tray.
"THESE." She said.
Seifer and Raijin looked at each other and grinned.
Fujin handed Seifer the three rings and he stood up as he examined each of them. "Diamonds?" he said.
Fujin nodded. "GOOD QUALITY." She intoned.
Seifer scratched his head. "So, ah, which one do you think he'd like?" he asked.
"MOST EXSPENSIVE." Fujin said.
Seifer looked at the price tags on each of the rings. One ring was upwards of 500.000 Gil. The other one was about 250.00 Gil, and the third was a few thousand over 1.000.000 Gil. "I guess that settles it." Seifer said as he pocketed the ring with the million Gil price tag.
The ring was a simple gold band with three diamonds in it, a large one in the center, and two smaller ones on each side of it. Seifer glanced at the sparkling gems and smiled. He handed the other two rings back to Fujin, and she placed them back onto the tray. She then picked up the tray and held it out to Seifer.
"THESE?" she said.
Seifer shrugged. "We'll pawn 'em when we get to Balamb." He said. "C'mon, we've gotta train to catch."
"PROPOSAL, HOW?" Fujin demanded.
"I'll think of something on the way in." Seifer said.
Zell Dincht came running into Squall Leonhart's office, a look of sheer terror on his cute, little tattooed face.
"Squall!!! Squall!!" Zell cried.
Squall, Commander of Balamb Garden, looked up from his paperwork and frowned. "What is it Zell? Can't you see I'm busy?"
Zell stopped in front of the Commander's desk and placed his hands on the desktop. After catching his breath, he looked up into Squall's gray - blue eyes.
Squall lifted one thin eyebrow. "Zell? What is it?" Squall asked. "What's the matter?"
Zell closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "S - s - s - eifer." He managed.
Squall's brow furrowed. "Seifer?" he said. "What?"
Zell tried again. "S - seifer, he's here!" the blonde squealed.
Squall stood up. "What's he doing? What does he want?" he asked.
"He's going crazy!! He's downstairs making all sorts of noise and pointing his Gunblade at anybody who tries to get near him!! He said that if we didn't let him see you, he was gonna tear the whole place apart!" Zell screeched.
Squall sighed heavily and shook his head. "What does he want? I thought he would have crawled into a hole somewhere by now." he said.
"What are you gonna do?!" Zell said.
"What else can I do?" Squall said.
When Squall emerged from the elevator, he thought he'd walked right into the Fourth War of the Sorceress. It was complete and utter pandemonium. Students and SeeDs alike were running in every direction, flailing their arms wildly and screaming their heads off. One of the younger students, some blonde kid, was on the floor shaking his head and crying uncontrollably. A particularly shrill scream arose from the left - sounded like Rinoa - and then the lights went out and the Garden was plunged into darkness for three whole minutes. The lights eventually came back on and Squall caught sight of Seifer Almasy - big, blonde, bully, and former Sorceress Knight - standing near the entrance of the Garden, Fujin and Raijin right beside him, waving his Gunblade menacingly at the shocked Garden students who looked on. Irvine, Selphie, Quistis, Rinoa, and Zell were standing in front of Seifer, weapons ready, preventing him from moving forward.
"Where's Leonhart!!" Seifer demanded in the most threatening voice imaginable. A guy screamed and fainted. His girlfriend pulled him to safety.
"Seifer, what is this about?" Quistis demanded.
"I need to speak to Leonhart!!!" Seifer growled. "Where the fuck is he?"
Squall stepped forward through the crowd and all eyes suddenly turned on him. "I'm here." Squall said as he pulled his Gunblade from the hidden pocket in his underwear.
Seifer smirked and stepped forward, Hyperion at his side. "I've been waiting for this." He said.
Squall sneered and raised Lionheart. "Haven't you had enough?" Squall snarled. "We beat you and your Sorceress. Why did you come back? You'll only lose again." He said.
Zell and Rinoa each took a place beside him, ready for a fight.
"We're going to end this once and for all, Seifer." Rinoa said.
"Yeah! We're gonna beat the crap out of you, Almasy!" Zell said as he bounced on his heels.
Seifer yawned and stepped forward. He dropped his Gunblade then dropped to one knee before Squall. Squall's eyes grew so wide Seifer thought they would pop out of his head. Selphie squealed in pleasure, and the rest of the gang looked on mouths agape. Especially Rinoa, who couldn't fathom why nasty Seifer Almasy was kneeling in front of her soon - to - be - boyfriend. Seifer fished around in his pocket.
"Shit, where the fuck is it?" he growled.
"OTHER POCKET." Fujin pointed out.
"Oh, yeah." Seifer said.
Seifer pulled the ring out of his pants pocket and held it up so everybody could see it. The crowd oooohed and aaaaahed as light danced on the glittering diamonds. Selphie squealed and jumped up and down.
"I knew it! I knew it!" she cried. She looked at Rinoa and grinned evilly. "BOOM, Bitch!" she screamed.
"Oh. Shit." Irvine said.
Zell tried to speak, but choked and Quistis put a hand to her mouth.
Rinoa frowned. "Squall, what is this?" she demanded.
"Shhhhhhhhhhhh!! Can't you see I'm in the middle of something! Hyne!!" Squall hissed. He turned back to Seifer and grinned so widely it almost split his pretty face.
Seifer smirked and reached up for Squall's hand.
"What are you guys doing!" Zell cried.
"Shut up Zell!" Quistis said.
"Yeah, shut the hell up, Dincht!" someone in the crowd yelled.
"Hey!" Zell wailed.
"Be quiet!" Quistis said. She cracked her whip and Zell fell silent.
"What's going on!! I demand to know!!" Rinoa screeched. "Squaaaaaaaalllllllll, what - "
Irvine lifted his shotgun to Rinoa's head. "I reckon it would be wise for you to shut up now, Darlin'" he said.
Rinoa whimpered pitifully and fell silent.
Seifer grabbed Squall's hand and pulled off the brunette's leather glove. Squall licked his lips in anticipation, and Seifer felt like his heart was going to burst. Seifer looked up into Squall's eyes.
"I think you know what I'm gonna say." Seifer said as he held Squall's hand.
Squall pushed his bangs out of his face with his other hand. "Then say it." He said.
"Stop beating around the bush!" Selphie cried.
"YEAH!!" the crowd shouted in unison.
"Shit, man, stop fucking around." Irvine said.
Seifer nodded. "Squall Leonhart, I would be so honored if you would marry me." Seifer said.
The crowd cheered. A number of girls, and a few guys, fainted.
"Wait just a minute!" Rinoa said. "Squall - " She stopped when she heard Irvine's gun click.
"Don't even think about it." Irvine said.
Rinoa pouted. "Well fine. Who needs any of you? I'm leaving." She said. She motioned for Angelo.
The dog, which had been somewhere sleeping in a corner, opened one eye, lifted his head, then went back to sleep.
"Humph." Rinoa said. She lifted her chin and marched toward the front gate. Squall didn't even watch her go. He was still looking at Seifer. Of course he was going to marry the big idiot, but he wanted to give Seifer a hard time.
Squall sighed and looked away. "I don't know. I mean you did try to kill me." He said.
"I didn't mean it. Honest. Ultimecia made me do it." Seifer said.
"He said he was sorry." Selphie added.
"I suppose, but what about the way he treated me at the D District prison?" Squall said.
"He said he was sorry!!" A guy shouted.
"I have a few weird fetishes, but I'm not a bad guy. Honestly, Squall, I'll suck your toes if you want me to." Seifer said.
Squall rolled his eyes. "Oh. Okay. I'll marry you." He said.
Then Selphie screamed.
And then Zell shrugged.
While Quistis clapped.
As Irvine grinned.
And the crowd cheered.
As Seifer and Squall embraced, groped each other, and kissed each other passionately.
And little Miss Rinoa Heartilly caught a ride with a killer hobo and hitchhiked back to Galbadia.
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