Author's Notes: Thanks to Tommy and my bud, Odion ;)

DISCLAIMER: Again, unfortunately, I must say that I don’t own any of the characters in this story, but that they are all the property of Square, as are all the locations mentioned in this story. The idea isn’t completely mine either, I just wrote a text based on the incoherent ramblings of a raving madman (thanks for the rambling, Tommy) and the additional hints of a friend (thank you, Odion). And in conclusion I just want to say: this is yaoi (and also a little bit of hentai), and if you don’t like those two, then bugger off and read Harry Potter instead, because it’s just a fucking heap of porn (this fic, not Harry Potter).

Secrets of Balamb Garden

By Seifer 2299

Squall Leonhart, loved by some for his dazzling looks and stunning skills with a gunblade, hated by some for his iciness and his complete lack of emotions, and envied by some for the controversial honour he bore – the honour of being the son of the President of Esthar – was drunk. Really drunk.

He had a reason to be drunk though, and a very good one. On this very night, this very day, he had finally made it to the legendary A-rank. He now had the highest rank a SeeD member could ever achieve. He would be respected by his peers. And most important of all, his salary would be elevated to mythical proportions.

In his own opinion, he hadn’t really done anything special to achieve this greatness. When the world froze and the ages collapsed into the ever-elusive time-compression, he had travelled through a castle that could be compared to Hell itself, facing demons (real ones as well as his own personal ones). There he had faced the wicked mother of all Sorceresses, the evil - yet demented - Ultimecia, and utterly destroyed her, thus saving the entire planet. Nothing special really.

Of course he hadn’t done all of this alone; he had been assisted by his friends (as of today also A-rank SeeD members, what a coincidence): Zell Dincht, Irvine Kinneas, Quistis Trepe and Selphie Tilmitt.

Oh yes, and Rinoa Heartilly. But she wasn’t even a SeeD; she had tried to join after the fight with Ultimecia though. She had failed every written test and the standard psychology test. Dr Kadowaki, Balamb Garden’s physician, had also noticed, quite surprised, that Rinoa had an IQ that was about 25 points below average. Dr Kadowaki had asked Squall how the fuck Rinoa could have survived the battle with Ultimecia. Squall had honestly answered that he didn’t know, and frankly he didn’t give a damn.

And of course there was Seifer Almasy. During the reign of the Sorceress, he had chosen to be her Knight, but after her defeat he came crawling back to Garden, begging to headmaster Cid to let him back in. Begging like a rejected little lapdog.

Seifer made Squall feel weird.

As Squall wandered through the dark, empty corridors of Balamb Garden, only this thought lit up bright in his blurred mind. The thought of Seifer Almasy. And how Seifer made him feel. Squall sipped at his Bacardi Breezer – about his 30th this evening. Unlike Zell, he wasn’t going to celebrate on just hotdogs.

He waltzed into the Garden’s Great Ballroom, overwhelmed by odd, surreal feelings of reminiscence. He remembered the night fireworks were lighting up the sky, the night he had been in this room, dressed up in his SeeD uniform. The unfortunate night he had met Rinoa. She had immediately approached him, like a predator picking out a weak prey. She had stalked him, crowded him, drove him nearly insane with her never-ending babbling and chattering. But worst of all, she had forced him to believe he was in love with her.

But that was all in the past now. He had broken up with her a week ago now, and had gone in therapy. He was a lot happier now. Or at least he liked to believe he was.

At the same moment, in the same ballroom but hidden away from Squall’s sight by a giant plant, Rinoa Heartilly, sexually frustrated, was amusing herself with her middle finger. She hadn’t had sex in about, what, three hours, and that bothered her immensely. So now here she was, on the cold floor, her legs spread wide open and wishing she had brought one of her vibrators.

“Hey, hey, hey, what’re you doing here?”

She turned at the sound of the voice, only to see a grinning, horny Irvine Kinneas. She smiled sweetly at him. “Masturbating. Now bugger off.”

Irvine was still glaring at her, his eyes shining with a perverted glee. “Need a hand?”

Rinoa was about to slap him and give him the entire “You MEANIE”-scene, yet suddenly she lost all interest in him as she noticed her attractive (ex-)boyfriend in the room. Irvine saw his chance and slowly slipped his hand between her legs. Rinoa didn’t notice. Her pathetically small beam of attention was focused on Squall. All of a sudden, another person entered the room.

Seifer Almasy.

What the hell was this, a reunion of all the guys who had dumped her?

Seifer Almasy walked into the ballroom, in his opinion the only room where he could smoke a cigarette without getting disturbed by the disciplinary committee (of which he was no longer a member). It was the only room in the Garden where there were no surveillance cameras (at least no obvious ones). There were no official surveillance camera’s in the dorms either, but there were rumours of hidden cameras in everyone’s room so Cid could watch wanking students. If that’s true, Seifer often thought, he must have quite a formidable porn collection. I bet people’d pay to see his security tapes.

He was just about to light his cigarette when he noticed he wasn’t alone. There was another man there. Not really a man, more of a boy. The moon shone on his already pale skin, adding to his ethereal beauty, making Squall Leonhart even more irresistible than he already was (according to Seifer).

Seifer was quite surprised to see Squall turn to him, smile and mutter “Sshhhhheifer!” Squall tried to stumble towards Seifer, tripped and fell right into his arms. Immediately Seifer got overwhelmed by the revolting odour of Bacardi Breezer (and the faint but heavenly smell of Squall’s cologne). He realised this was the first time he had ever been this close to Squall, even though he was drunk, and the thought of being close to Squall was enough to give him a huge erection.

The drunk but handsome boy in his arms smiled warmly at him and gazed at him with his beautiful eyes. “Sheifer,” he uttered contented and wrapped his arms around Seifer, much to his surprise (and Rinoa’s, who still was spying on them).

Oh boy, Seifer thought. This is like a wet dream come true. Squall buried his face in Seifer’s neck, so Seifer could feel his lips moving over his skin as he spoke. “I always liked you, Seifer…” Squall whispered.

Seifer patted Squall’s back, not really knowing how to react. “I always liked you too, Squall. I still do,” he whispered back. “But I think you’re a little to drunk to mean what you say right now…”

Squall just sobbed and tightened his hug.

What the hell are they doing? Rinoa thought. Irvine was now nibbling her ear and frantically trying to finger her towards an orgasm, although she didn’t really notice all of that. “I’ll go talk to them,” she suddenly decided.

She pushed away Irvine who was still – among other activities – trying to eat her earlobe. “Get a life, Kinneas,” she muttered. She stood up, pulled up her pants and walked away towards Squall and Seifer, who were still hugging, leaving Irvine sitting on his ass, shocked, and with a smelly finger.

The headmaster of Balamb Garden, Cid Kramer, sat in his renovated office, watching several screens. The one that especially drew his attention was the one that showed the images registered by the hidden surveillance camera in the ballroom – images of Rinoa Heartilly’s pussy, on which Cid had zoomed in.

My my, Cid thought, she’s lucky she isn’t a student of this Garden or I’d have to expel her for engaging in sexual activities. I wonder whose finger that is…

Suddenly the doors opened and a very naked Edea walked in. “Cid,” she purred. “Come to bed. I’m hot. Satisfy me.”

“In a minute, dear,” Cid said, distracted yet still focusing his gaze upon the screen.

Edea rolled her eyes and sighed. “Jesus Christ,” she hissed, as she walked off. “This voyeuristic, Big Brother-stuff is really starting to piss me off.” She entered the bedroom, trying to figure out a way to solve the problem of her sexual frustration. Pornographic books would do fine. For now.

“What are you two doing?” Rinoa asked in her most innocent voice. Seifer opened his eyes, startled (nearly getting a heart attack). He had dozed off – he had been dreaming, a dream provoked by the smell of Squall’s cologne and his leather clothes, a dream involving whips, handcuffs and lots of lubricant. He let go off Squall, took a step back, finding it hard to let go off the boy. “Rinoa,” he said, his fiery eyes pointed at her. If only looks could kill. “Always a pleasure to see you.”

Rinoa giggled, completely unaware of the sarcasm. “Teehee. Thanks, Seifer.” She motioned at Squall. “What’s wrong with him?”

“I wouldn’t know,” Seifer replied. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m really tired. I’m going to my room.” He ran off.

“Bye Seifer!” Rinoa yelled, her greetings answered by Seifer’s middle finger. She misunderstood the gesture and waved back. Then she turned at Squall, smiling happily to be left alone with him again.

“So… Squall…” she said, moving closer to him. “How’ve you been?” She tried to unbuckle his belts. She was unsuccessful. She tried to pull down his leather pants. Didn’t work either.

Suddenly Squall’s eyes widened. “Oh God!” he moaned. He made a retching sound, then another one and about half a second later the entire content of his stomach splattered on Rinoa’s shoes. He muttered an apology and stumbled away to his room, leaving her screaming.

Squall entered his room, closed and locked the door, stripped down to his boxers and threw himself onto bed. He took his teddy bear in his arms (well it wasn’t really a bear, more of a husky) and pulled it close to his naked chest.

“Oh Tommy,” he whispered to the fluffy stuffed animal. “You won’t believe what I did tonight.”

He could even barely believe it himself. For the first time in his life, he had actually given in to his emotions. He had never expected himself to be capable of such thing. He had admitted to himself that he liked Seifer Almasy – that he felt attracted to Seifer Almasy – and had admitted this in a way to Seifer too. He had held Seifer, and Seifer hadn’t rejected him as he feared he would. And it had felt good.

No no no. What was he thinking? He couldn’t feel attracted to another guy. It was wrong. It was immoral. It wasn’t natural. It didn’t feel good. It disgusted him.


Squall seized his inner monologue, overtaken by sleep. As he fell asleep, he suddenly remembered his father was coming to Balamb tomorrow – for diplomatic reasons. Maybe he could ask Laguna for advice.

Squall woke up with an incredible headache (and an incredible erection too, same thing as every morning). He threw away his blanket. It had been a hot night, and Squall’s naked body was shining with sweatdrops. He turned his head and looked right into Tommy’s brown, dead eyes. “Morning Tommy,” he moaned, giving the stuffed husky a kiss on the nose. As he was slowly preparing to get out off bed, he made up his mind about last night.

It had been a mistake. He didn’t feel attracted to Seifer. He wouldn’t bring it up to his father. He’d be the perfect son today – which meant, the not-gay son. In fact, as of right this instant he wouldn’t allow any other male to touch him ever again.

There was a banging on his chamber door. It sounded really urgent. Squall crawled out off bed, muttering “I’m coming, I’m coming” and slowly making it to the door, naked (except for his boxers) and sweaty. He opened the door.

Zell jumped into his arms, his eyes wide open in terror. “Squall!” he screamed. “Thank God! You have to save me!!!” He held Squall even tighter and started crying.

“Son of a…” Squall hissed, remembering what he had just told himself five seconds ago. Still, he didn’t push Zell away, rather patted his back. “Calm down, Zell. What’s wrong?”

“It’s my girlfriend. She’s driving me insane.”

“The library girl? What’s wrong with her?”

She’s a fucking nun, that’s what’s wrong with her!” Zell shrieked. “And I’m so god damn frustrated, you know. Dr Kadowaki says I might be showing some sexual compulsive behaviour, but let me ask you Squall, do you think it’s right that a girl, a girl you’ve been dating for a week, won’t even allow you to lay a finger on her?”


“No! No, that’s not fucking right! She’s so cold, man! A nun I tell you, a fucking nun! Oh, and Squall?”


“You’re naked.”

“I’m not, Zell. I’m wearing boxers.”

“Oh right. Squall?”


“You have a hard-on. Sick fuck.”

“It’s… I…” Squall started, blushing.

“No, no, it’s okay,” Zell said, stepping away from Squall, to the door. “Oh, please don’t take this personal Squall, I’m just a homophobe.”

Zell walked through the door and looked back at Squall one last time. “Fucking faggot,” he mumbled as he ran off, leaving Squall in his boxers, which revealed a huge bulge between his legs.

“Great,” he muttered. “Just great.” He turned back into the room to get dressed.

Snowflakes were twirling down from the grey December sky as Cid and Edea arrived at Balamb Station, where the Balamb Symphony Orchestra was playing a horrible, alternate version of “Jingle Bells” and where the rest of the welcoming committee was waiting for President Laguna Loire and his Prime Minister, Kiros, to arrive. Upon the arrival of Edea, the orchestra immediately started playing “Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec”.

“God dammit!” Edea shrieked. “That song! Again! I’m fucking sick and tired of it! The Sorceress is dead! Ultimecia is dead! Her reign is over! Desist playing that infernal song!!!” She turned at Cid. “Can you believe this?”

“But dear,” Cid said. “I ordered them to play that song!”

“You did? Shit, Cid.” Edea rolled her eyes and turned away from him.

“I… what?” Cid tried to face Edea, astonished. “What?”

Suddenly the crowd that had gathered at the station started to cheer and to applaud as the train from Timber arrived. Cid quickly ran to the train, for he was supposed to welcome Laguna as good as possible. The doors opened and the strings section of the Balamb Symphony Orchestra began playing an orchestral version of “Fragments of Memories”.

“Welcome to Balamb, President Laguna.” Cid said with a big smile as Laguna got out of the train. “And if I can…”

“You must be Cid,” Laguna said in a high, effeminate voice. He looked at Cid with a disgusted look on his face. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Oh? Well… ummm… good, then…”

“No, it isn’t. Who the hell do you think you are, Michael Jackson? Filming teenagers with hidden surveillance cameras just isn’t right.” He turned away from Cid and faced Edea. “You must be Mrs Kramer. My condolences. But pleased to meet you.”

Edea smiled at him. “Charmed.”

“Umm, President Laguna,” Cid started.

“Dammit man, are you still here? I’ll give you five Gil if you go away. And if you go get my luggage, you smelly perverted man.” Laguna handed Cid a five. “Now shoo.”

“Yes sir,” Cid said. “Thank you sir.”

Laguna looked over his shoulder to Kiros and snapped his fingers. “Come on, bitch. Lady Edea’s giving us a ride.”

“I am?”

Laguna giggled. “Of course you are, cunt. Now let’s get a move-on, I’m freezing my ass off here.”

“Damn queer buttfucking jerk,” Cid muttered as Laguna, Kiros and Edea walked off.

I heard that!” Laguna screamed.


Squall, dressed now, went to the cafeteria for a late breakfast. He ordered two hotdogs and sat down at a table somewhere in the corner. He was just about to start eating as he noticed Quistis, Selphie and Rinoa walk in. As soon as Selphie saw him, she started jumping up and down and waved enthusiastically with both of her arms. Squall smiled faintly at her and wished he could just die now. The trio walked over to his table and sat down, all three of them staring at him, causing him to lose all appetite.

Rinoa grabbed one of his hotdogs and took a bite out of it. “You gonna eat this?” she asked.

“Well actually…” Squall said.

“Of course not. He doesn’t want to get fat, like you are,” Selphie giggled. Rinoa sniffed, turning red. “You…”

“So Squall,” Quistis said. “Is it true? I mean, not that it’s any of my business…”

“Yeah,” Selphie said. “You can do what you want, we’re not going to tell on you.”

“Tell about what?” Squall asked. “What are you talking about?”

Quistis, Selphie and Rinoa exchanged glances. Selphie started laughing. “Oh come on Squall, you know what we’re talking about.”

“No, I don’t have a fucking clue.” Squall said coldly. He didn’t like where this was going.

“Zell told us you almost raped him,” Quistis said. “How he barely managed to escape.”

Squall suddenly seemed to choke.

“And Rinoa here tells us she saw you and Seifer sucking face in the ballroom last night,” Selphie said. Rinoa nodded violently.

“They were!” she said.

“Tell us again what you were doing there,” Quistis said. “I still don’t quite get it.”

Rinoa started blushing. “Shut up, bitch,” she hissed to Quistis.

I wasn’t kissing him!” Squall shrieked.

“So you were actually there?” Selphie asked, incredulous. “We thought Rinoa had made it all up because you broke up with her.”

“Oh,” Squall said softly, staring blankly in front of him. “Well, then, I wasn’t there.”

Was too!” Rinoa shouted in a childish manner. “I saw you I saw you I saw you!” She finally seemed to calm down a bit. “It’s probably on the surveillance tape too.”

Squall jumped out of his chair. “What? I thought there were no surveillance cameras in the ballroom?”

“Just one,” Quistis said, amused. “Slightly hidden.”

“If you’ll excuse me,” Squall said, even more pale than usual. “I think I’m going to be sick again now.” He stumbled away from the table.

“Oh Squall?” Selphie shouted.


“Merry christmas,” she grinned merrily.


Seifer Almasy woke up quite happy that day. He hadn’t been tormented that night by nightmares filled with evil naked sorceresses, no, instead he had dreamed of Squall. It probably explained his good mood now. He got dressed and made his way to the only working restroom in Balamb Garden – which everyone, including Cid and Edea, had to use, because Nida had lost the key to the other restrooms. He opened the door, only to see Zell Dincht playing with his one-eyed snake.

“God dammit, Seifer!” Zell shrieked.

Seifer stared at Zell’s groin and shook his head. “I underestimated you, chicken-wuss,” he said, grinning.

Zell turned red and closed the door with a bang. Seifer waited two seconds and then knocked the door.

“What?” Zell asked.

“You still in there?”

“Of course I’m still in here, did you see me come out?”

“Could you please hurry it up or go satisfy yourself some place else, because I don’t think I can hold it any longer.”

“What? What are you… Oh. I see.” The door open and Zell came out, doing up his wide pants. “Sorry,” he said as he ran past Seifer and down the corridor.

Seifer jumped into the restroom, closed the door, and settled for some “sitting and thinking”.

Squall wandered through the corridors of Balamb Garden and passed by the giant christmas tree in the hall, near the elevator. Edea had told him his father was in the guest room at the second floor, so he took the elevator up there. As he approached the door, he thought of what to say to his father. He hadn’t seen him in about two months. But then again, before that he hadn’t seen him in 17 years. Oh well. He wouldn’t talk about Seifer, that was for sure. He opened the door and entered the room.

He was unpleasantly surprised, even quite shocked to see his father standing there in one of Edea’s dresses. Laguna turned at the sound of the door opening. “Don’t people knock anymore these days?” he muttered.

Dad!” Squall screamed. “What the fuck?

“Squall,” Laguna said, blushing. “It’s not… I mean… I…”

What the fuck???” Squall just screamed, nearly crying.

“Come on, Squall, I mean, it’s not as bad as it looks, I…”

“Not bad?” Squall sobbed. “My father is a fucking transvestite!

“I am not a transvestite!” Laguna said. Then, after a short pause: “I’m a drag queen.”

That’s even fucking worse!” Squall wailed.

Laguna thought that over for a second. “Hey, you’re right, it is!” he then said, smiling happily. “Hey Laguna, you coming?” a voice suddenly said.

“In a minute, bitch! I’m talking to my son here!” Laguna yelled at Kiros, who was lying naked in bed. “Oh,” Kiros said. “Right. Hi Squall.”

“Hi, Kiros,” Squall said faintly. He had decided that this wasn’t really happening. It was just in his head. It was all a bad dream. It would all go away.

“As you can see, Squall,” Laguna said in the effeminate way he always talked in. “I’m a little busy right now. We’ll talk about this later, okay?”

“Sure,” Squall said, monotone. “Whatever.”

“Oh, before I forget,” Laguna said as he handed Squall a big green package with a red bow on top. “Your christmas present. Go on, open it.”

Squall opened the package, only to reveal a pink leather tutu. “What the fuck?” he said yet again. Laguna just grinned. “I thought you might look cute in it. Try it on.”

No I’m not trying it on, you sick fuck!” Squall shrieked. “How the hell can you be my father anyway?

“You’re adopted. Didn’t I ever tell you that? Shit, I thought you knew that…”

Squall ran away screaming.

“I’m bored,” Rinoa said.

Selphie and Quistis both looked at her. “You’re always bored,” Quistis said. “Probably because you can’t read.”

“Hey!” Rinoa yelled. “Meanie! You shouldn’t make fun of illiter… littirity… rilitity… itillerate people!”

Quistis and Selphie just chuckled.

“Well, fuck you bitches! I’m going to the quad.”

“What are you going to do there?” Selphie asked.

“Satisfying myself.”

“Why the hell would you satisfy yourself there?” Quistis asked.

“There are poles there.” Rinoa replied. Then she ‘strode’ off.

She is fucked up,” Quistis said after Rinoa had left.

“Yea, but she finally left!” Selphie cheered as she cuddled up to Quistis and kissed her.

Squall stood in his room, panting from the long run down. He noticed that he was still clutching on to the tutu. He screamed and dropped it. This was all too real to be a dream. But it was to fucking weird to be real too.

There was a knocking on his door. Squall moaned. He opened the door and saw Seifer Almasy.

“Hey Squall, I was wondering if you…”

Squall just couldn’t take it anymore. He snapped. He pulled Seifer into his room, threw him down on his bed and started tearing of his clothes.

“Young lady, I am very disappointed in you!” Cid said to Rinoa, who was standing in front of him, her head bent down. “You must understand, I can not tolerate this kind of sexual compulsive behaviour in this Garden any longer!”

“But Headmaster Cid, I…” Rinoa started. Then her eyes suddenly widened as she saw the Dorm’s corridor on the computer screen behind Cid. She saw Squall pulling Seifer into his room. The horror. She started screaming.

“That’s not going to help, young lady! You are hereby expe…”

Cid!” Edea said. “I’m leaving you.”

“Not now, dear, I’m in the middle of something.” Cid said, distracted.

God dammit, Cid, I’m fucking leaving you!

Cid looked surprised. “You are? Why? Sorry, I wasn’t listening.”

“That’s just it,” Edea said. “You never listen to me. And you’re not sexually stimulating anymore. So I’m running off with a younger man.”

She snapped her fingers and Irvine Kinneas came in. “Let’s go, Irvy.”

“Yes ma’am,” Irvine said. “Bye, Mr Kramer. I’ll take really good care of her.”

“Of course you will, lapdog,” Edea said. “I’m hot. We’ll make a stop at the rest room for some quick satisfaction.”

“Shit,” Cid sighed. He turned back to Rinoa. “Where was I?”

“Ummm… forgiveness?” she tried.

“Headmaster Cid! Headmaster Cid!” Nida, head of the disciplinary committee, entered the room. “We have an emergency, Headmaster Cid!”

“What now?” Cid snarled. Suddenly the room got dark as the electricity fell out. “My surveillance cameras!” Cid yelled. “How could this have happened?”

“One of the lights in the christmas tree broke down, sir. For some reason it caused power circuit breakdowns all over the Garden.”

“Shit. Have you tried the backup generator?”

“It was the backup generator, sir.” Nida said.

“Headmaster Cid! We need you at the Infirmary!”

“What? Why?”

“It’s Zell Dincht, sir. He’s had a psychotic episode.”

“Christ, what’d he do this time?” Cid asked.

“He fucked a Cactuar.”

“He what?

“Fucked a Cactuar, sir.”

“Awch… that’s gotta hurt,” Nida said.

“Dammit,” Cid said. “Is the Cactuar alright?”

“The Cactuar’s fine sir, but Zell’s at the Infirmary fighting everybody and screaming ‘nobody touch my wee-wee!’”

“Serves him damn right,” Cid mumbled.


“Jesus, why do you need me for that? Get a gun, some tranquilizer and tranquilize him, dammit!”

“Yes sir!” The messenger ran off.

“And you! Go fix that backup generator!” Cid snarled to Nida.

“SIR YES SIR!” Nida ran off.

Cid turned to his dead computer monitors. “Damn it all to hell!” He turned back to Rinoa. “As for you…”

Rinoa decided to use her final defense mechanism, as disgusting it might be. “Oh Cid,” she purred. “I never noticed how sexy you are. I just love a guy who stays cool under any circumstances…”

Get the fuck off my property!!!” Cid screeched.

Seifer and Squall lay naked in bed, both staring at the ceiling of the room. They both sighed.

“Waaaw,” Squall said.

“That was amazing,” Seifer purred.

“Waaaw,” Squall sighed again. Then he frowned as he though of something. “Why did you come here, Seifer?”

“I was wondering if you could borrow me some sugar.”


“Yes. I’m out of sugar.”

“Why the hell would you need sugar?”

“Because I like my coffee with some sugar in it?”


“What? You think I had all of this planned? That I’m some sick freak or something? What the hell do you think I am?”

“Horny?” Squall grinned.

Seifer hesitated for a moment, then grinned back. “You’re right, I am. But at least I don’t keep pink tutu’s on my room.”

Squall laughed. “Asshole.”





“Look who’s talking.”

They hugged. “But just now was really something,” Squall said.

“Yea,” Seifer moaned. “I don’t think I can manage to do something like that again this year.”

Then, after about two seconds, Squall asked: “Wanna do it again?”



The End

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