The Secret

Chapter Six

By Kuttner

Zell dreamed of Seifer, with no provocation but the one brief kiss the tall blonde had stolen from him that night. Zell dreamed that Seifer was undressing him; touching him; kissing him; caressing his flesh. The kisses were gentle; the touch loving. Zell could feel the kisses in his dream as though they were a solid reality. It was the most real thing in the dream, the rest was surreal; Seifer's arms wrapped around him; lying together in bed and the kisses; more kisses.

When Zell woke hours later he was hot in the face and he was at once stimulated and embarrassed by his dreams. Not wanting to admit liking it he at once took a very cold shower to calm his alive body. The erotic sensations of the dream flowing away from his body as the cold water cooled his skin, but his mind remembered it all. Despite his enthusiasm and seeming outgoing nature, he was shy when it came to the subject of girls or relationships, he didn't know why - like he'd always thought the library girl, Zema, was cute; had thought about asking her out but never got up the nerve. So now he was dreaming about Seifer Almasy in ways he'd never admit to anyone and why? He'd never thought about another guy in that way before, he'd never even had a dream about a girl in that way. So why now, after one illicit kiss? The thing that bothered Zell so much about it was that the dream felt like a fond memory. He knew he had enjoyed it, maybe a little too much. Had he liked it when Seifer had kissed him? He wasn't sure. The sensation had been strange, and he'd been taken aback, taken by surprise. It had been so unexpected a move. He hadn't known what to do, he'd just panicked from shock, pushing Seifer away as his first impulse but what he really wanted; what he really felt; he didn't know. Did the dream mean he had liked it and wanted more? Did that make him gay? He didn't know whether to seek out Seifer and confront him to talk or try to avoid the blond and the issue altogether...

As he dressed he made up his mind.

Seifer awoke from nightmares. He couldn't remember them but he knew Zell was there somewhere and the T-Rexaur and even Squall had made an appearance. He grimaced, recalling what he had done last night upon seeing Zell to apologise. There were only two options, he thought. Go about like nothing had happened - treating Zell as he always had - with light-hearted cruelty - or stay away from the tattooed blond altogether. He favoured the latter but concluded it would be near impossible, especially with the up coming SeeD tests where they were likely to be thrown together on at least one occasion. No avoidance, then, best to pretend none of it had happened at all. Decision made, Seifer showered quickly, dressed in his favoured vest and coat, and exited his room without looking.

He ran straight into someone, nearly knocking himself over. He brushed his coat with nervous anger, his hands shaking slightly still from yesterday.

"In a hurry?" he proclaimed sarcastically, then he looked up.

He flinched as his aqua blue eyes met Squall Leonhart's grey enigmatic ones.

"No," Squall stated in reply, ever the chatterbox.

Seifer's heart was thumping hard. Squall looks so... elusive and Seifer liked the internal mystery there. Squall still made him feel weak inside. After last night with Zell, he was unsure how seeing his crush would affect him, but it was as it always was. Seifer could see the brunette about to continue on his way, so he said:

"Wait..., Squall..."

Squall stood, looking nowhere in particular, seeming very disinterested to be there. Who knew what he was thinking. Seifer wished he could read minds, especially when it came to this youth. So hard to get him to utter a word - but of course, it just made him that more intriguing.

"What is it, Seifer?" Squall finally asked, a string of words said with care and precision - though he was not as short with his tone as Fujin always was.

Squall looked at Seifer then, who'd remained silent, and was a little surprised by the expression there. A lost look haunted the blond's eyes for the briefest of moments then it was gone as soon as Squall had registered it was there, so he was unsure whether he'd seen it at all. Seifer straightened, rising to his full height, taller than Squall by nearly five inches. It had taken an effort on Seifer's part but he looked as he usually did, brimming with confidence, arrogance and the slightest bit of mischief. He didn't want to lose face now, in front of Squall, bad enough what Zell had seen.

"Training?" Seifer asked cockily, producing the gun blade which he'd only barely remembered to drag out with him.

After a seemingly thoughtful pause, Squall shrugged and said:

"My gunblade's in my room," indicating with open palmed gloves that he was weaponless.

"Let's go get it then," Seifer leaned on his blade, eyes twinkling with apparent wicked glee.

Again Squall shrugged, as if to agree. Without more words he headed back the way he had come, assuming Seifer would follow... or not.

A passing thought - that he was going to Squall's room - made Seifer's heart flutter nervously for an instant but he forgot this at once due to his lack of hope of anything but sword play occurring. And then there was Zell. What did he feel there? Guilt? Guilty about what? For kissing Zell, or for thinking about Squall right now? He didn't want to think about it, it was too confusing. His long strides soon caught up to Squall but he lagged behind enough to watch the fascinating way Squalls clothes moved as he walked. Seifer realised if anyone saw them he'd look like a love struck teenager checking out the other, but thankfully there was nobody in the hallway to catch his staring at another man. Except Squall of course, but the silent brunette was easily making his way to his room and not paying attention to his rival.

Squall had noticed Seifer looking unusually pale and there seemed to be slight traces of healing bruises on his face, but he didn't concern himself, why should he? Seifer was no friend. Squall had no real friends, though some had tried. He preferred to be alone; with his thoughts. Somehow the one thing he could not resist was a gunblade duel with Seifer - not only for the fact that Seifer was the only other one in Garden who knew how to use the weapon. The fighting excited Squall somehow, it was the only real thrill he got from anything and Seifer was such a good match, even if the blond could throw in some sneaky, nearly underhanded, moves, even in training. He had equal skill, he just used it differently. Besides if everyone fought fair in training how would you know how to counter the trick moves on the field? So Squall took it as the best practice he could get to be the best at his soon to be a job as SeeD.

They reached Squall's room and the brunette opened the door, letting it ajar for Seifer to follow or for a quick exit. The blond entered after Squall and shut the door quietly as Squall went to get his gunblade. Watching his unrequited love walking down the hall had created ideas in Seifer's head that he was now almost subconsciously acting on. He placed his gunblade against the doorway and followed where Squall had gone. The frustration of yesterday and Zell's reactions to both Seifer's tears and kiss had rebuilt up in him and he was suddenly willing to take a chance he never would have days ago. Squall was just reaching for his gunblade when he felt strong hands grab his arms roughly and turn him around. The weapon clattered to the ground.

"What - ?!" A startled word gasped from him.

"I want you to listen to me," Seifer's voice was desperate, his eyes aflame with either anger or desire - it was hard to tell which. "For just this once - really listen."

"Uh - okay, Seifer," Squall said, wondering what the hell was wrong with the blond. "What is it?"

Seifer's hands tightened on Squall's arms, so much Squall grimaced in pain. He couldn't form any words, hadn't planned for this, merely acted on a sudden urge. He was actually scaring himself a little but Squall only looked mildly troubled, neither worried or terrified. Seifer wondered why this troubled him. That indifference, being ignored. Seifer didn't like being ignored, especially by Squall. A flash of Zell went through his head, a brief picture of pretty lips and he suddenly wanted Squall so badly he didn't care what happened next.

Holding on as tight as he could Seifer kissed Squall so fast the brunette did not have a chance to even turn his head. A muffled cry didn't quite escape his lips and he struggled but didn't have Zell's luck or strength. This time Seifer was determined, he tasted Squall's sweet virgin lips; trying to feel Squall's mouth with his tongue. Squall's lips had parted slightly from his cry and he again tried to voice a protest. Seifer was attempting to further the kiss, a desperation in his passion. He pushed Squall roughly back; hitting the wall; pinning him. Squall try to flail his arms. Seifer released their kiss, gaining a small cry of shock from Squall, and restricted Squall's movements abruptly by wrenching his bomber jacket down to his elbows. With the pale neck exposed Seifer pressed Squall against the wall and started kissing the tender skin in a more loving fashion.

"Seifer - stop," Squall gasped, unable to move his arms. "What -? What are you doing?"

He wasn't near as strong as Zell so his struggles were pointless. Seifer was easily the victor here.

The blond released one of Squall's arms to caress Squall's chest through the tight white T-shirt, feeling taut muscles. He sighed against Squall's neck, nearly forgetting that he was forcing this.

"I love you," he murmured.

Then he looked up into Squall's face. Immediately he flushed with guilt and let his prize go completely, taking a couple of quick steps backward as if he hadn't realised he was so close.

"I- I...," Seifer's stuttered, the look of shock on his face a reflection of Squall's own.

His hands reached out to Squall, almost in a gesture asking for forgiveness. Squall moved forward and shoved Seifer hard, causing the tall blond to stagger back but not lose his balance. He looked ashamed of what he had done, but the look of anger in Squall's face seemed almost a mixed blessing. At least he shows some emotion, Seifer was thinking, even as Squall started yelling at him.

"Just what the fuck was that?!"

"Oh, God, Squall, I- I..."

"Get away from me!" Squall screamed, pointing at the door for emphasis.

"Squall -"

"Get out!" he suddenly reached for his gunblade and brandished it threateningly.

Seifer needed no further encouragement. He turned almost sadly and picked up his own gunblade, making Squall think for a moment they were going to duel after all, but Seifer merely took it and left.

The blade dragged along the ground as Seifer, his heart feeling like a slab of concrete, made his way back to his own room. Good Lord, what had he done. Had he just tried to rape Squall? No.. No, he would never do that. He wanted Squall but he wouldn't force it that far, he never be able to live with himself then and it was hard enough. But even this, he'd nearly lost it. Again a flash of Zell's face and Seifer felt like blaming him for all this, as if it were all his fault. Right now, it almost felt true.


Rejected by everyone, Seifer collapsed on his bed, gunblade falling from his hand to the floor. He didn't cry, he was too spent. He felt too upset to even shed one tear. He stared at the wall in a state of semi-shock. At least he had Raijin and Fujin. The thought suddenly made him laugh out loud. It sounded mildly hysterical, he started laughing and he couldn't stop until it turned into sobs, but still no true tears. His sobbing quietened and he lay there, staring at nothing. Strangely he didn't feel so suicidal this time, he expected to but he just didn't. He felt only numbness.

He stayed in that state for a long time.



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