By J. Marie
Warning!! This a lemon yaoi fanfiction starring Seifer Almasy and Squall Leonhart from Final Fantasy VIII. It is rated NC-17. I have nothing to say at the moment, other than the fact that I like the Genitorturers. Their version of "Touch Myself" is really awesome! And I think I'm in love with Evil D. He's so frightening it turns me on. And I think I'll use Chains as inspiration for when I draw goth Squall. Yes, I'm going to be drawing a goth Squall. :) Boy, I guess I had more to say than I thought. *snicker*
"Goddess! What happened??"
I was starting to come to. I couldn't see, mostly because I think I lacked the strength to open my eyes, but I could hear. Everything sounded like it was through a tunnel, though. I recognized Quistis' voice.
"I found him at some sort of weird goth club. Some punks had him drugged, and were raping him.... Or at least were about to before I burned one to death, and decapitated the other..."
That was Seifer's voice. I was in his arms. I could feel him holding me.
"You killed them!! My god, Seifer, you could get in serious trouble for this!!" Quistis cried. I could feel her touching me then. She was checking me over.
"Not a chance. The place was so full of drugs, I think the management probably just threw out the bodies. The bastards deserved it.... They were gonna rape him!" Seifer retorted, sounding emotional.
A bed. I was placed in a bed. I could feel someone pull off the remainders of my clothing.
"Seifer.... Are you sure it was unwilling? I know how much you-" Quistis started, but Seifer cut her off.
"I'm sure, Quistis. That's what took me so long. I saw Squall from downstairs, drinking with the bastards. Then I saw Squall kind of fall over, and they pounced him like hyenas to a carcass. I headed upstairs, because I didn't like the way he fell over. I wasn't going to do anything until I saw his face. He was crying. He looked so scared....." Seifer said, his voice low.
A washcloth. Somebody was wiping me clean. First the make-up, then my body. I was relieved. I wanted the filthy bastards' germs off me. It was blessedly warm, and I realized I had been cold, but hadn't noticed it before. Odd.
"What did they give him?" Quistis asked Seifer. I recognized her hands on me, taking my temperature.
"I have no fucking clue. Some date rape drug, I guess. He hasn't moved, or spoke. He stopped crying, though. And he doesn't look so scared.... I held him and he didn't look scared...." Seifer said in a an odd tone of voice.
I could hear Quistis breathing. She was checking my pulse.
"Seifer.... It was seven years ago. Squall couldn't possibly be scared of you anymore. He's a grown man," she sighed. I was surprised. Quistis knew? Seifer had told her? They were that close?
"But you didn't see him, Quisty. After that stupid game Selphie made us play. It was like what happened in the shower all over again. He was terrified of me." Seifer sounded so choked up.
"I.. Oh god, Seifer... I feel so guilty," Quistis sighed.
"What for? It wasn't your fault. It wasn't even Selphie's. It was just a game. Nobody knew it would turn out like this. At least you and Selphie had fun. And I guess Zell and Irvine did too, but Zell's been way too quiet today... I don't know. When's the drug gonna wear off of Squall? Why don't you just cast Esuna on him?" Seifer questioned.
"I... I don't know, Seifer. And Esuna won't work on this sort of drug. It's not magical. We'll just have to let him sleep it off, and hope it wears off by morning. He has a pulse, and his body temperature is a little low, so keep him warm," Quistis told Seifer.
"Huh? Aren't you staying?" Seifer asked, sounding worried about her leaving. I began to wonder again if they had a thing going on.
"No.... I'll go room with Zell. You stay with Squall," Quistis said. I wanted her to stay as well. I didn't know if I wanted to be left alone with Seifer.
"But... He might not want me...." Seifer started.
"But you'll take better care of him than even Matron. He may not know that, but I do. And you'd just worry about him if you weren't here. And if you need me, I'll be next door," Quistis said, and I heard the door open and close.
We were alone.
Seifer and I.
I could hear him breathe. I wanted Quistis to come back. I felt dread at being alone with him all of a sudden. Even though the man just prevented my rape, even though I might have feelings for him, even though he'd held me during an entire long cab ride back here, I was nervous at being alone with him. Not so much because I thought he would hurt me....
At least not physically.
In truth, I had no justifiable reason behind my fear. But fear I felt. My own feelings confused me. They had no reason, no logic. But why should they? Weren't emotions beyond the touch of logic and reason?
I felt a blanket, and a comforter being drawn around my naked body. I felt vulnerable, and I felt frustrated. I suddenly didn't want to be like this. I didn't want to be at somebody else's mercy. I didn't want Seifer taking care of me. I can take care of myself, dammit!
I could feel my body being pulled upwards, could smell Seifer's soap. I was in his arms. He was cradling me, not unlike the way he had when we were in the cab. He placed my head on his shoulder, my face turned to his neck. He was rocking me slowly, like you would a sick child.
I'm not a baby doll! I'm not china! I'm not going to fall to pieces! I began to loathe my predicament. How weak did he think I was? Am I so pathetic, that the moment something bad happens to me, everyone wants to coddle and hug me? I could deal with this myself! I could do it alone! I didn't need him! I didn't need his affection, or his comfort!!
I was angry. I look back at the moment and know my anger was misplaced. I wasn't really angry at Seifer, but at myself. I was angry for letting myself get into a situation like that. I knew better. I did. But I let it happen. Like I almost wanted it to happen.
It's like there's more than one person that's me. One wants to be dominated, to be weak and coddled. One wants to take care of himself, and hates everyone. One is quiet, and doesn't care about anything, not even himself. What am I? The male Sybil, or something? Who am I?
There it was.
Who am I?
The simple question that defined my life.
My anger drained from me, but I was still annoyed at being rocked by Seifer. I didn't need to be treated like Rinoa. I wasn't Rinoa. I wasn't about to dangle myself off a cliff, and force him to come save me. But wait.... Was that what I had done? Was I turning into a male Rinoa? I knew how stupid it was to run off like that, and drink those creepy fools' rum. I'm smarter than that. But I had done it anyways. And I knew, somewhere in the back of my muddled head, that I was waiting for Seifer to show up. For him to save me. I was testing him, see. I was going to see if he was going to come after me, and save me from myself.
In some ways, I was like Rinoa. I wanted to be saved. I wanted it to be romantic. I wanted to be rescued and carried off by my knight in shining armor, like a sweet little damsel in distress. At least part of me did.
Who am I?
Was I some weak little goth boy, who wanted some big strong man to come along and pull him out of the depths of his depression? Was I the big strong SeeD Headmaster, gallant hero, saviour to all? Was I a scared little boy, frightened of his own shadow? Was I just some confused freak, with major issues? Why did I hate my real reflection? My real face? Because I didn't know who I was? Did Seifer know?
I was about ten seconds away from turning into Rinoa. With a dick. And I couldn't stand it.
I could feel Seifer lay me back down, tucking me in like a little boy. Was he that contemptuous of me? Was some part of the arrogant Seifer bemused by his rival's state? Even if I wasn't really his rival? Was he as fucked in the head as I was?
Could I just wake up and this whole week be a bad dream? Could I go back to my goth clubs, and my dark, driving music, and my leather and body piercings? Back to being alone, where I didn't have Seifer to complicate my life?
Why did Seifer have to be the sun, around which my dark world revolved? It was him, all along, that made things like they are. I was jealous of him ever since we were little. For being bigger than me, more masculine. For being popular, and for being smart. For being outgoing, and being fearless. I was jealous of him, because I wanted to be him. I didn't want to be me. That's why I fought back, when he picked on me.
If it weren't for Seifer, I would never have picked up a gunblade. If it weren't for Seifer, I wouldn't have tried so hard to be a SeeD. If it weren't for Seifer, I wouldn't have a sex drive. If it weren't for Seifer, I wouldn't have wanted to even try and defeat Ultimecia. If it weren't for Seifer, I would never have gotten in so deep with Rinoa. If it weren't for Seifer, I wouldn't even be here, thinking like this.
Seifer stretched his long body out beside me, holding me. Behind his arrogance, and his selfishness, did his desire for me weaken him? Is that why he was being so considerate? Seifer was always about himself. And what he wanted. Did he just want me because he thought he could have me? Was I simply a challenge to him? And the moment I submitted to him, would he just discard me like used clothes?
But what about his guilt? Was it his guilt that drove him to me? To coddle me and hold me? To stroke my hair, and rock me like a baby? Did he feel obligated, just because he groped me against my will when I was thirteen? Beyond his guilt, was there contempt, and resentment towards me, the secret fuel to our constant bickering?
I fell asleep in Seifer's arms, resenting his existence, and what it did to mine.
I woke up slowly.
I was actually grateful for this, as last night's soliloquy was fresh on my mind. I felt only slightly dizzy when I stood up, and slightly crampy. I would have more sympathy for a woman's period after this morning.
I was in Seifer and Quistis' room, so I stumbled out to find my own room, clutching Quistis' pink robe to prevent me from walking out naked. Shut up. It was the first thing I could find. I opened the door to my room, and realized I could hear voices coming from Selphie and Irvine's room. I looked longingly at my shower and a change of clothes, but there was something about the tone of voices that caught my curiosity.
I leaned against the wall, close to where the door was left slightly ajar to Selphie's room, and made out Quistis' voice.
"But, Selphie, have you seen them? Zell is acting completely jumpy around Irvine now. And Irvine keeps staring at him.... They barely notice our existence. They're too busy either staring at each other, or ignoring each other...." Quistis said, her voice filled with guilt.
"So? They'll get over it, Quisty. Boys are like that," Selphie said simplistically.
"Dammit, Selphie, then look at Seifer and Squall! Squall got so scared he ran away! Seifer turned into a ghost! He's reliving his memories, and he's not himself... Squall almost got raped last night because of what we did!" Quistis sounded near hysteria.
"That's not our fault, Quisty. They agreed to play the game. We all did. Why are you being all upset about this?" Selphie asked, her voice cheerful, but wearing thin in irritation with Quistis.
"Dammit, Selphie, we set them up. Don't you feel guilty about that? Just because we wanted to watch them fuck each other, we completely ignored the fact that they're people, and we set them up!" Quistis was starting to sound angry, and I was only just starting to put things together.
"So what? They agreed! Even if we hadn't fixed the game, they still could have wound up with each other. You're being overly concerned."
"Overly concerned? Dammit, Selphie they're our friends! One is your supposed boyfriend!! It's tearing them all apart! We created something, and maybe we can't stop it! My god, we didn't even do anything, like we swore we would. Like they swore they would. We didn't even play the game, like we made them... And you don't feel guilty?"
"It was just sex, Quisty. Seifer and Squall had issues way before we ever came in. And well, I don't know what's up with Irvine and Zell, but that's still not our fault...."
"It wasn't just sex! Not to them! I feel horrible!! I want the videotape you made. It's going to be destroyed. You have no right to watch it now...."
Videotape? And then it all made sense. The eerily convenient card draws. How easily Selphie and Quistis would run off together. Mostly because they had no intention of fucking. Somehow, our gender roles had all been reversed and the women had turned the four of us men into sex objexts....
"It's mine!! If you don't want to see it, fine, but it's mine!!" I heard Selphie screech.
"Dammit, I'm not going to let you enjoy other's misery, Selphie Tilmitt!!" I heard Quistis thunder. I could hear scuffling, thumping. They were fighting. Holy Christ. Quistis and Selphie had a regular catfight going on.
Was I in the twilight zone or something?
I opened the door, listening to them shout and curse at each other. I saw Irvine in the corner of my eye, with Zell nearby, approaching to the sounds of the fight. They peered behind me as I looked inside the room.
If you thought Seifer and my fights were nasty, never, ever watch Selphie and Quistis get into it.
Quistis was wrestling Selphie into the bed, trying to wrench a videotape from the smaller girl's hand. Their hair was mussed, their faces scratched from the other's nails. Quistis was going to have a a black eye, and Selphie two. Their clothes were slightly ripped, both panting and cursing at each other like sailors.
If I didn't know better, I'd have swore I walked in on a sex scene.
"The fuck....?" Irvine eloquently asked, staring at the two SeeD Headmasters with a dumbfounded expression. Zell was apparently rendered speechless.
The two women stopped their fight and stared at us, each with a certain look of horror and guilt, to various degrees. The videotape slipped from Selphie's hands and bounced onto the carpet, near my feet. I bent over and picked it up.
"Oh, fuck," Selphie commented. I guess she saw the look on my face. To be honest, I wasn't really feeling anything. At the moment. I walked over to living room, silent as a tomb. Irvine and Zell followed me. Selphie and Quistis quickly followed us. Quistis at least had the decency to bow her head in shame. Selphie tried to grab the tape from my hand, but Zell grabbed her by the waist. They didn't know what I knew, but they knew something was up.
Seifer was in the living room, watching some action movie with a morbid expression. I ignored him and put the tape in. Zell held the struggling Selphie. Seifer stared at me in confusion, until all our attention was riveted to the screen.
It was a split screen. Selphie and Quistis had hid cameras in our rooms. On one side was Irvine sucking Zell off, on the other side I was having a nervous breakdown in front of Seifer.
I turned around. I was beginning to feel something alright. Anger. And I wasn't the only one.
"You two set us up, didn't you?" Seifer asked, his gravelly baritone as threatening as a wendigo in heat.
Quistis didn't meet his eyes. "Yes," she said meekly.
"You never touched each other, did you? Expecting us to give you a good show?" Seifer demanded. Zell was gripping Selphie tightly. Her blue eyes were wide in fear.
"Pretty much," Quistis said, her voice calm now.
"So.. did we...?" Seifer asked, his voice cracking in betrayal. Quistis was his best friend. I knew that now.
Quistis looked up, tears streaming down her face. "I'm sorry. I was so stupid.... I did it for you... I thought that you would be happy to have your chance with Squall...." she pleaded in front of Seifer. He turned his face from her. There was pain in his features.
"And what about us, Quistis? Selphie?" Irvine asked, his voice full of hurt. He had once loved Selphie, and she had just betrayed him.
"We..... We didn't think it would bother you... We both knew how you are, Irvine..." Quistis sighed.
"It bothers Zell. And I gotta admit, it bothers me a little. We weren't best friends, but we were friends. It's one thing for me to fuck someone and forget about it, but how am I suppose to do that to my friend? Someone I grew up with?" Irvine said sadly. He was a player, but even players have emotions.
"How could you do that to us??? Just to watch????" Zell thundered, and practically threw Selphie into the couch. It rocked with the force he used to throw her. She remained silent, huddling up in the corner. Quistis dropped beside her, staring at her hands.
"Fuck. We're the fucking guys, and we would never do anything like that to the two of you. And you fucking bitches spit on our friendship. On our childhood together, just to watch us fuck each other???" Seifer thundered even louder. I saw Matron and Cid down a the beach through the window, and was grateful that they didn't know what was going on.
Quistis said nothing, and began to cry silently. She hid her face from us. Selphie stared at us all petulantly, almost disbelieving.
"But you're all guys... Why should it matter? And you all did agree to do it!" Selphie retorted.
"It doesn't matter because we're guys? So men don't have any emotions? We're just talking dicks, is that it? Not even Irvine is like that, Selphie. And we didn't agree to perform for you. Not for you...." Seifer hissed. His speech was quieting, his face growing icy. I knew he was getting angrier and angrier.
"It's not so much the sex part. It's the fact that you betrayed us! You set us up, so we could perform a free porno for you!" Zell said, his face bunched up in that angry, hurt way he had.
"I loved you like a sister, Quistis. I confessed every deep, dark secret I ever had to you...." Seifer said, so cold now that you would think you were at the polar cap.
"I didn't know it would turn out like this..... I swear to the gods.... I thought that I could bring you two together.. I thought you'd be happy..." Quistis cried. I actually felt bad for her now. Not for Selphie, but for her.
"You can't force people to come together like that Quistis. It doesn't work like that. People don't work like that. I know you, at least, had good intentions. At least you know you did wrong," I said. Since when was I the compassionate one? The words tasted funny in my mouth, but felt right.
Quistis looked up at me, her blue eyes bright with tears. She looked pathetic. "I am so sorry, Squall. Seifer. Irvine. Zell. All of you. There's not enough words...." Quistis said, shaking her head in shame. Selphie just sat there, petulant as a child. I wanted to strangle her.
"It's all my fault..." Quistis whispered, before I stopped her.
"No. You had nothing to do with our agreement to the game. Or how things turned out. The only person I can blame for what I did, is me. I've been a selfish, fucked up little bastard. I can see that now. You fucked up, but you are not responsible for what happened to me last night. I have to take blame sometime. I can't blame my sorry life on my father. I can't blame it on Sis. I can't even blame it on Seifer. And I certainly can't blame it on you..... Or Selphie," I said quietly, and started to head back to my room, to clean up. I wanted my shower more than ever.
"Can I go now?" Selphie complained as she watched me leave.
"Selphie. You're a selfish little bitch who's got a lot of growing up to do. As far as I'm concerned, Quistis is forgiven. But you? I leave your fate in the others' hands...." I shrugged, and continued walking away.
My head was beginning to clear, and I had some more thinking to do.
A lot more thinking.
Return to Archive | next | previous