Author's Note: Complimentary piece to Little Black Book. A prequel of sorts. A real short one at that. [laughs] There's a sequel in the process of being thought out a little. Unfortunatly, it's that time of year again where RL takes over and my writing gets put on the back burner.

Remember Me

By Alexis Logain

I hear... a voice say "Don't be so blind"...
it's telling me all these things...
that you would probably hide...
am I... your one and only desire...
am I the reason you breathe...
or am I the reason you cry...

Always... always... always... always... always... always... always...
I just can't live without you...

I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...
I breathe you...
I taste you...
I can't live without you...
I just can't take anymore...
this life of solitude...
I guess that i'm out the door...
and now i'm done with you...

I feel... like you don't want me around...
I guess i'll pack all my things...
I guess i'll see you around...
Inside... it bottles up until now...
as I walk out your door...
all I hear is the sound...

Always... always... always... always... always... always... always...
I just can't live without you...

I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...
I breathe you...
I taste you...
I can't live without you...
I just can't take anymore...
this life of solitude...
I guess that i'm out the door...
and now i'm done with you...

I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...

I left my head around your heart...
Why would you tear my world apart...

Always... always... always... always...

I see... the blood all over your hands...
does it make you feel... more like a man...
was it all... just a part of your plan...
this pistol's shakin' in my hands...
and all I hear is the sound...

I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...
I breathe you...
I taste you...
I can't live without you...
I just can't take anymore...
this life of solitude...
I guess that i'm out the door...
and now i'm done with you...

I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...

I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...
I just can't take anymore...
this life of solitude...
I pick myself off the floor...
and now i'm done with you...
Always...
Always...
Always...

"Always" by Saliva

 

 

I wasn't quite sure why I had left. I mean, Balamb-G was my home, my work, my life. But I felt smothered somehow. Sick inside almost. I just couldn't breathe there. A lot of people speculated that I couldn't forgive Seifer for his actions, that I couldn't deal. That I went off the fucking deep end and lost my mind. ...Whatever.

The truth is, and was, that I couldn't bear to be around him. Not because I hated him, not because I couldn't forgive him and couldn't see past the blood on his hands - some of which was my own - but I couldn't... I loved him. Simple as that.

It took me five years to work up the courage to flirt with him. Thank Hyne it was reciprocated. I don't know what I would have done if he hated me. We started sneeking off in the middle of the night. And not to do things like that. Perverts... We'd talk, or cuddle, or make out. That's not to say I'm a virgin, but those details are very precious to me. And, quite frankly, I don't want to share them. Other than damn.

Being under Ultimecia's control did a lot of horrible things to Seifer's mind. One of them... she wiped out a good part of his memory. After we got him back, he spent nearly a two months in the Infirmary recovering from physical and mental wounds. And he didn't remember a damned thing about us. Imagine if you will, having someone rip open your chest and dig into your skin, tearing apart the flesh. Then they bend apart your rib cage, leaving bones sticking out and you horribly disfigured. And then to add insult to injury, they tear out your still-beating heart, blood dripping down their fingers, and you watch it slowly stop beating. Only, instead of dying like it probably should have, it heals and gets stronger. It lives on its own and doesn't need you at all. You, however, still need it. It's your heart for fuck's sake. And it kills you from the inside out because it's gone.

That's somewhat close to the pain I felt.

He was everything to me, my love, my life...the reason I took in every single breath and the reason I cried myself to sleep. I saw things in my mind's eye and every time he even got remotly close...all I wanted to do was reach out to him, wrap my arms around him, and bury my face in his shoulder. And beg him to, no matter how cliche' it sounds, never let go.

Logic said that if he had feelings for me beforehand, then they probably weren't gone. No, the probably weren't. They were, however, buried. Hidden. They were unreachable.

So I left. Yeah, it was cowardly. The great "Lion of Balamb" - and you really have to ask, where the fuck do they get names like that? - turned complete chicken and booked. Well fuck you. I loved him, dammit. ...I still love him.

I love him.

And I can't ever have him. Maybe...maybe I should go back. Maybe...maybe I should just get over it and get on with my life. I mean, 'it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all'...right?

But...the truth is...gods - I miss him. I even miss everyone else that's there: Quisty and Zell and Cid and Selphie and Irvine and...and...okay, I don't miss Rinoa. What was I thinking with all that shit? Ick. I want to throw up every time I think about that one time I kissed her. That was the most traumatizing part of the whole Ultimecia ordeal. Gross.

I want to go back. I want to see him again. I'd probably do something stupid like throw myself at his feet and beg him to remember. Or...other things... Heh. What can I say? I'm male - I have to think about sex every three seconds. It's a rule. I even think it may be written down somewhere - set in stone probably.

No, I won't go back. I've got too much going on to go back. I'm a student at Esthar University now. I've moved on with my life. I'm never going to be a part of him, of his life ever again. And the sooner I accept that...the better off I'll be.

So why does it hurt so much?

It hurts because I love him.

And I always will. Simple as that. And those precious few months we had together...well, they'll always live on in my memory. There, in that place, we'll always be togehter, no matter what reality says. Because at that time...we were meant for each other. Always.

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