Regret was the first story I had written in over six years. It started on one of those nights where you've either had too much to drink or not enough, and the music's made you contemplative. I was besotted with the characters of FFVIII, and very much enough of a romantic yaoi fan to have my thoughts move to what had to be Seifer and Squall's biggest regret. So I started writing. Once prompted, I found that there was indeed a story to tell - one that was as much mine as Squall and Seifer's.
I found that Seifer's self loathing and instability mirrored mine. Squall's inability to relate to people was the very same reason I avoid personal interaction. Mira's positive outlook is that little voice in my head that won't allow me to give up. Quistis' interference is my inability to leave anything alone. All those little demons that have made me who I have become found their way into these characters.
Hence the reason Squall thinks twenty-six seems old. It feels older than I'd ever imagined it would.
In the story I went with some conventions, and ignored others. Laguna is Squall's father, even though it's not proven in-game. Didn't make a bit of difference to the plot, but there's always a sequel. I ignored the use of magic. This is largely because I feel that Squaresoft presents a conflicting view on use. It also happens to be because somewhere after the fight I broke my ankle. If I didn't get Curaga for that - well then, the guys were just going to suffer. Besides, if they get healed instantly, where's the fun of nursing each other back to health?
I had a hell of a time writing the Time Compression sequences. I had to ascribe a linear order to actions that, were they in reality, not have a discernable past, present, or future action. Of course I also didn't expect to write anything like the N.p.s.N.g.s. Mini-saga anyway. I was all well and content getting ready to write the reunion sequence when my darling muse Seifer decided to broadside me with plot. Is he this difficult with anyone else? Oh well, he's cute so it's worth it. Of course he also knows he's cute, which tends to make him insufferable on occasion.
The last chapter took me by surprise. I hadn't expected the story to go lemon like that. Apparently I'm more ecchi than I thought. I just kind of sat there when I was finished, a bit on the stunned side. I was shocked to discover that I could write smut.
I want to thank all the wonderful reviewers who took time and effort to leave me kind words: unbelievable thanks go out to tatsurou and redrum for all their consistent reviews. If you haven't read redrum's 'Beauty's Isolation' yet you *must* do so now. Also thanks go out to leannan, Persephone, Vision, Ponder, CJ May <go read CJ's current fic, 'Weakness'!>, prodigy, Rousy P, Purple Penguin <who's doing a great AU 'Beauty & the Beast'>, and katryne. If I forgot anyone, I'm so sorry!
To my sister Polly, who will undeniably be squicked out by the fact that her little sister is writing yaoi, I give massive hugs for reading the damn story anyway. See, I told you I'd mention you in the author's notes!
I highly recommend the music of Malice Mizer to everyone. They're a wonderful Gothic J-Rock Visual Kei group worth exploring. Their music is what helped determine the 'feel' of each chapter.
And just in case anyone didn't know - all characters <except Mira, Tescha, and Lia>, places <except Seifer's House, Zell's House, Stassen, and Iba>, and events covered in Final Fantasy VIII belong solely to Squaresoft, who really weren't fooling anyone if they thought people would believe that Squall could actually end up with Rinoa. Not even Irvine's that desperate.
The story may be archived, re-posted, etcetera as long as you let me know you're doing it, and I get credit for writing it.
Thank you, once again.
Y.Nigasa, May 2002
Rants, Raves, Pocky, and Malice Mizer photos may be sent to teknoketa @ yahoo.com
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