Author's Notes: Thanks to Joss Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Chris Carter (the X-Files) and Thomas Harrison (Red Dragon, Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal)

DISCLAIMER: All the characters in this story are the property of quare, and not mine. This story was supposed to be a parody on Hannibal, the X-Files etc. but it got a bit out of control so I ended up with a corny yaoi-fic. (If you don’t know what yaoi is, I suggest you look it up before you read this story or don’t read this story at all.) The people I need to thank : Mr Joss Whedon (for Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Mr Chris Carter (for the X-Files), Mr Thomas Harrison (for Hannibal) and Mr Tetsuya Nomura (for designing those cute bishounen in Final Fantasy VIII) Oh yes, the quotes in this story are from the movies Hannibal (the first and second quote) and the third one is from Silence of the Lambs. I just hope I don’t get sued for this. Really, it’s crap, it’s not worth sueing me for. That, and I don’t have anything, except for this crappy Pentium and some cd’s nobody would want. Alright, shall we then?

The Pursuit of Seifer Almasy

By Seifer 2299

“I always figured him for a queer… maybe you have a lot of sympathy for those people…”

Deling City

9:30 PM

The two men got out of their car and walked up to the front door. As the smaller, blond man reached for the doorbell, the taller, brown-haired one admired the Gateway, the proud symbol of Galbadia’s glorious capital. A few instants later the door was opened by a young woman, grey hair, eye-patch over her left eye. Her right eye was staring at them suspiciously.

“YES?” Fujin asked in her loud voice.

“Good evening, ma’am. I’m special agent Dincht and that’s special agent Leonhart. We’re with the FBI. Do you mind if we come in and ask you some questions?”

Fujin narrowed her eye. “FBI? YOU?”

“That’s right, ma’am.” the small blond man answered.


Zell sighed. “May we please come in?”

Fujin stepped aside so they could come in. “RAIJIN! FEDS ARE HERE!”

“……..” special agent Squall Leonhart uttered as he walked by Fujin.



They were led to the living room where Raijin already was waiting for them.

“Hey, we ain’t done nothing wrong, ya know. We just pay our taxes and try to move on with our lives, ya know!”

“Still, we need to ask you some questions, concerning…” Zell started.

“Have you ever been abducted by a UFO?” Squall interrupted him suddenly.

Zell looked at him, seriously pissed off. This wasn’t why they were here. And if Squall started playing his little UFO-game now, they could be here for a very long time. When Squall had been a little boy, he had seen his Sis being abducted by a UFO. Or at least that was what he claimed to have seen.

“A UFO?” Raijin asked.

“NO, CAN’T SAY THAT I HAVE.” Fujin replied Squall’s question.

“Have you ever seen a UFO around here?”

Both Raijin and Fujin looked at Squall now in disbelief. But Squall was not willing to give up that easily.

“Has either one of you ever received an anal probe?”

“Fuck Squall, why do you always have to do this?” Zell asked, turning red.

“Errr… I think I’d like to see your ID’s again, ya know…” Raijin said.

“Fuck off, Dincht. I’m gonna find my Sis some day. I don’t need anybody! I’m all alone, and the truth is out there!”

“Not now. We have more important matters to deal with.” He turned to Raijin and Fujin. “We need to ask you some questions concerning Seifer Almasy.”

Raijin and Fujin got quiet. For an instant, it was completely silent as everyone of them thought of Seifer Almasy.

“What about Seifer?” Raijin asked finally.

“Has he ever contacted you after the incident last year?” Zell asked.


Raijin shook his head. “We thought he was dead, ya know. We never heard of him since he… escaped, ya know?”

“I see. And what made you think he was dead?”

“FRIENDS.” Fujin said.

“That’s right. We were his only friends, ya know. We were a posse. If he was in serious trouble, he could always come to us, ya know. So, since we haven’t heard of him since the escape, we assumed he was dead.”

Suddenly Squall jumped up. “NO!” he screamed. “I won’t have it!!!” He ran off and a few seconds later they heard him slam the front door.

“FUCKED UP.” Fujin said.

“No, agent Leonhart is just a little… sensitive sometimes. Actually he does this all the time when the conversation is about death.” Zell sighed. He sometimes wondered how Squall passed the FBI’s psychology test. Probably because he knew the wife of the assistant-director, Cid Kramer. Or maybe because he was the son of the President of Esthar.

Squall stood outside in the rain, breathing deeply. As he watched the Deling City Gateway, his thoughts drifted back to the day Seifer Almasy escaped from the Balamb Asylum. A day exactly one year ago now.

Seifer Almasy had been a promising young FBI-cadet. That was, until he tried to eat a young woman who had slept with him. When the psychiatrists asked him why he had done it, he said it was because he was gay. The woman’s name was Rinoa Heartilly. After her relationship with Seifer, she had slept with Squall. And after that, with Zell. And Irvine Kinneas, much to the dislike of Selphie Tilmitt. And after that, she had slept with Nida, a young FBI-cadet who nobody ever seemed to notice. And after that, she had actually slept with Xu. But she had always denied that.

Squall ran his fingertips over the scar on his forehead. It was a little something Seifer had given him when they had arrested him. Seifer wasn’t the kind of person who’d just surrender without a fight. He had always blamed Squall and Zell for his imprisonment.

“Right. Thank you again for your help.”

Squall turned around and saw his partner leave the house. Zell Dincht walked up to him.

“I’m driving,” the smaller man said.


As they drove past the Deling City Graveyard, Squall noticed someone familiar. He pulled Zell’s arm.

“Stop the car!”

“Hey!” Zell screamed, almost ramming a Deling City Bus. “What are you doing? Have you finally gone crazy?”

“It’s Rinoa.”


“She might know where Seifer is.”

Rinoa Heartilly was fighting an undead creature at the Graveyard as she saw the two men stepping out of their car. She recognized one of them as her ex (and the other also seemed familiar to her, although she couldn’t quite figure out why). She completely forgot about the skeleton-like monster she was fighting and started waving at Squall Leonhart. Squall, on the other hand shouted a warning and started running up to her. She pouted. She had thought he would be happy to see her.

Then she got struck on the head by the monster, hard enough to cause some serious brain damage. Not that she had to worry about that. She turned at the monster, which was quite surprised that she was still standing, and slapped his head with such force that it spun of. “You MEANIE!” she yelled at the dissolving corpse.

She turned to the brown-haired man who had finally reached her. “Squall!” she screamed in delight, as she jumped into his arms. She heard him make a strange moaning sound and then felt herself being pushed away by him.

“That’s special agent Leonhart for you, Miss Heartilly.”

She looked at him, preparing her lower lip to start sulking, as she noticed the blond man, who had finally caught up with Squall. A lightning bolt illuminated her brains as she recognized him.

“Zell!” she screamed, completely forgetting about Squall. She wanted to throw herself into his arms too, but he was smarter and pulled his gun out.

“Don’t make me do it, Rinoa,” he said, with a serious look on his face.

“When did you two join the FBI anyway? Aren’t you awfully young to be special agents?” Rinoa pouted.

“We need to ask you some questions,” Squall said, ignoring her remark. “About Seifer.”

“Do you have any idea where he might be?” Zell asked.

Rinoa gave him an oh-my-god-you’re-so-stupid-and-pathetic look and said “Winhill of course.”

They both gaped at her in great astonishment.

“Well, that’s what he told me anyway,” Rinoa added.

“He told you?” Squall asked.

“You spoke to him?” Zell asked, even more incredulous than Squall.

“Yeah… three days ago I think…” She started giggling. “It was the most funny thing. It was night and I was slaying vampires, and I suddenly ran in to Seifer, and I hadn’t seen him for so long, so I wanted to talk to him to, you know, catch up, but he seemed in a bit of a hurry, and he told me he was going to Winhill.”

Slaying vampires? Squall thought.

Zell sighed. “Rinoa… has it ever occurred to you that if you talk to an escaped criminal that you might wanna go see the police about it?”

Rinoa looked surprised. “I didn’t know he was a criminal.”

Zell’s eyes opened even wider in disbelief. “Fuck, Rinoa, the guy tried to eat you!”

“He did? I can’t say that I remember that…”

“It was only a bit longer than a year ago…” Squall remarked.

“Ohhhhhhhh… well you can’t expect me to remember stuff that happened a year ago, you silly!” she said with a giggle.

Zell rolled his eyes. “Oh God… I can’t take it anymore. Squall, you finish the interrogation, I’ll be waiting in the car.” Zell practically ran off.

Squall was left alone with Rinoa. He hated being left alone with Rinoa. She always started to act freaky when they were alone.

“So…” she said, as she looked at him with a seductive look. “Do you ever think about the time when we were still a couple?”

“Not really,” Squall replied. In fact, he had tried his best to forget about the time when they were still together.

“Oh…” Rinoa said, a little disappointed. “Hey, would you ever want to come back to me?”

Squall looked at her in terror. “GOD no!” he said.

Rinoa looked a bit shocked, but tried to remain cool. “Oh… that’s just fine… you know, I wouldn’t even want you back, anyway. Remember that time when we fucked and you couldn’t get it hard? Or all those dildo’s you stole from me, why’d you need them anyway?” she whined. She suddenly seemed to get a bright idea. “Hey, I’ll just ask Seifer if he wants to come back to me!”

Squall sighed. Now she was hopeless. “What was that you said about slaying vampires?” he asked, just to change the subject.

Rinoa’s face cleared up. “Oh, that. Well, actually I’m a vampire slayer, but nobody’s supposed to know because it could ‘endanger their lives’.” She giggled. “Pretty silly huh?”

“That’s enough, Rinoa.” a voice said.

Squall turned around and saw a man, who was dramatically inhaling from his cigarette. And then exhaling the smoke even more dramatically. “Who the hell are you?” Squall asked.

The man laughed. “Ah, agent Leonhart… Still chasing UFO’s? Still seeking out your so-called ‘truth’?”

Rinoa jumped up and down and waved at the man. “Hiya Daddy!” she yelled with a giant grin on her face.

General Caraway rolled his eyes and threw away his cigarette. “Dammit, honey, you’ve ruined Daddy’s act now!” He lit another cigarette. “And when I tell you to deny everything to FBI-agents, I expect you to do it too ! So…” He looked at his daughter. “Are you a vampire slayer?”

“Yes, of course I am.” she said, with an expression of surprise on her face.

“That’s it, you’re coming home with me right now! And you’re grounded for the next two weeks, young lady!”

Rinoa’s eyes widened. “But, Daddy, I…”

“No buts!” Caraway said furiously. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” he said as he turned to Squall. “I have some conspiracies to cover up.”

“…………” Squall replied.

“Bye Squall!” Rinoa yelled. She tried to hug him but he had already ran off to the car. She pouted. Then, suddenly, she got a great idea (according to her). She would call Seifer and tell him that his old friends were on their way to see him. She took her cell phone and dialled Seifer’s number. Squall and Zell are gonna be sooooo surprised, she thought, pleased by her intelligence.

Zell put away his cell phone as Squall stepped into the car. “I just talked to AD Kramer,” Zell said. “He ordered us to go to Winhill.”

Squall took a map from the glove box. “We can’t make it to Winhill today anymore.”

Zell studied the map. “Hey, we could drive to this motel, spend the night there and go to Winhill in the morning.”

Squall frowned. “Fine. Let’s head for Bates’ Motel then.”

“Have you ever felt eyes moving over your body? Have you ever looked at something that you desire?”

Bates’ Motel

11:00 PM

They stepped out of the car and walked up to the crappiest motel either one of them had ever seen. There were about 15 rooms, all of them colored pale green. Squall followed Zell through a door that said “Manager”. The room was a total disaster, even more so than the rest of the motel. Posters of naked women decorated the walls, Playboys were scattered all over the floor, and behind a very sloppy desk sat a very sloppy man. He wore a black cowboy hat, and underneath that he wore his chestnut brown hair in a ponytail. He grinned at them as they walked in.

“Hey, so, like, you wanna rent a room or somethin’?” he asked.

“Yes, we were…” Zell suddenly stopped as he recognized the man’s face. “Irvine?”

“Zell?” the other man asked.



They both hugged each other, laughing like idiots. “It’s been what, a year now? How’d you ever end up here?”

“Oh, like, that’s a long story. This dude, like, Norman Bates or something like that, he got arrested for killing a couple of girls here in this motel, so it was like, very cheap for me to take it over. And what do you do for a living these days?” Irvine asked.

“I’m with the FBI,” Zell answered. “So is Mr Sunshine over there. Irvine, I’m sure you still remember Squall.”

Squall nodded at Irvine, looking completely indifferent.

“How could I ever forget?” Irvine smirked. “Aren’t you two awfully young to be with the FBI anyway? But, so, you guys wanted to rent a room?”

“Two rooms.” Squall corrected him.

Irvine chuckled as he wrote their names down in the register. “No luck for you tonight,” he whispered to Zell, who immediately started blushing. “That’ll be 300 Gil please,” Irvine said with a big happy grin.

Zell quietly entered Squall’s room. He cursed himself, he cursed his big mouth and he cursed Irvine. A long time ago, when Zell graduated from the FBI-academy, he had told Irvine a secret. He was real drunk when he told it. And besides, it was completely ridiculous. Really. It could happen to anyone. Well, not exactly anyone.

Zell had always liked Squall. Not in a friendly way, no, he felt physically attracted to Squall. So what ? Squall was a very attractive young man, most people would agree with that. But when Zell told Irvine, Irvine immediately concluded that Zell was gay. But Zell wasn’t. No way. He couldn’t be. Could he? His conversation with Irvine was one of the main reasons he ended up in the same bed as Rinoa the same night. See? He couldn’t be gay.

But why did he find himself staring at Squall sometimes?

And why did he keep a picture of Seifer Almasy in his wallet? Certainly not to show it around and ask “Have you seen this man?”

He had never felt attracted to Irvine. That was good, he thought. But Irvine was more… like a big sister to him.

And now he was standing in Squall’s room. But Squall wasn’t in his bed. In the background, he heard the splattering noise of the shower. And some very naughty thoughts crossed his minds.

He slowly and silently made his way to the bathroom. I’m going to burn in hell for this, he thought. No doubt about that. He made it to the bathroom door and quietly opened it ajar. Now he could see Squall in the shower, without being noticed.

He realized that what he was doing was wrong. Very wrong. But he couldn’t get his eyes off Squall. The young man’s beautiful, child-like face, surrounded by wet, chocolate-brown hair. The drops of water, slowly moving down his smooth skin. His graceful body, muscular yet slim. At that moment, Zell didn’t want anything more in the world than be there in the shower with Squall, holding him, kissing his wet, naked body, touching his…

“Zell? What are you doing there?”

“Zell? What are you doing there?”

Zell jumped up as Squall said his name. The dreamy look in his eyes disappeared and he started blushing. Squall reached for a towel, a little bit embarrassed that Zell was watching him.

“Squall… I… it’s not… I mean… you…” Zell stuttered. He was still looking at Squall.

“Zell? Would you please not stare at my crotch like that?” Squall said, a little irritated.

“Oh! I’m… I’m sorry…” Zell turned and disappeared into the room.

I wonder what that was all about, Squall thought. He had found it irritating that Zell had been staring at him, but he was also… flattered, in some way. In some strange, perverted way. He shook his head. He would never admit to anyone, especially not to himself, that the way Zell was looking at him actually aroused him. He dried himself up and put on his black boxers, before joining Zell in the motel room.

Zell was sitting on the bed as he saw Squall come out of the bathroom, wearing only his boxers. Zell was quite happy he always wore big, baggy pants, because they hid his erection from Squall.

“Did you want to see me about something?” Squall asked in a cold, sarcastic voice.

“Ummmm… I, errrr…”

“Come on, Zell, you weren’t in my room to spy on me while I’m taking a shower.”

“No! No no no, of course not! I was… ummmm… Lonely!” Zell said.

“You were lonely? And you come to me?” Squall said with a smirk. “And now what? You want to sleep with me in my bed?”

Zell turned red. “Uh… no… I’ll just go to my own room now…”

He walked up to the door. “Goodnight, Squall.”


Squall woke up in the middle of the night because of a soft knocking on his chamber door. He turned in his bed, noticing that he was getting a headache. He moaned and closed his eyes again. Again there was a knocking on the door, a little bit louder now. “Go away, Zell,” Squall moaned.

Now there was a banging on the door. Squall threw the sheets off his bed, walked up to the door and pulled it open, still wearing nothing but a pair of black boxers. Outside was a man. A tall, blond man. He had a scar on his forehead, one just like Squall had, only in the other direction. He looked at Squall through his narrowed green eyes, a big grin decorating his handsome face.

“Good evening, Squall,” Seifer Almasy said. “Did ya miss me?”

Squall wanted to close the door, reach for his weapon, do anything, but the blond man was faster. He pulled out Hyperion and hit Squall on his head with the flat of his blade. Squall fell to the ground and Seifer dragged him to his car, where an unconscious Zell was already waiting for them. Seifer threw Squall on top of Zell on the back seat and then got behind the wheel, smiling, extremely happy.

“What does he want? What does he desire, this ‘man you seek’?”


11:25 AM

Darkness. Squall tried to open his eyes. Voices. They were whispering. Squall succeeded in opening his eyes a little. He saw two faces, floating above him, like pale balloons. “Christ, Seifer, I think you hit him a bit too hard,” Zell said.

Seifer noticed that Squall had opened his eyes and that he tried to say something. “Shhhhhh…” Seifer said, as he placed a finger on Squall’s lips. “You need to rest.”

Squall couldn’t keep his eyes opened for much longer now. But still, he noticed something peculiar. Something that wasn’t right. Just before sleep overwhelmed him again, it hit him. What was Zell doing there with Seifer?

Then he was devoured by darkness again.

He opened his eyes. He was alone in the room now. He tried to sit up. That probably hadn’t been such a great idea, because the room started whirling the second he lifted his head. A flash of pain went through his head, making it impossible for him to think for a moment. Then, very slowly, the room stopped spinning and his headache lessened. He got out of the bed, tried to stand up, tried to stumble his way to the door. It went pretty well.

As he walked by a big mirror, he suddenly noticed something. He looked at his reflection in horror. Why the HELL am I wearing a dress? he thought. Not that it isn’t a nice dress, no, I actually look quite good in it, and the black silk feels so soft on my skin and… what the fuck am I thinking? Squall opened the door of the room he was in and stumbled further away, pulling out the dress on his way, so that he was yet again dressed only in his trusty old pair of black boxers.

He heard voices, coming from behind a closed black door. He recognized the fast, excited voice as Zell’s and the deep, calm one as Seifer’s. He couldn’t make out what they were saying, but he heard laughter every now and then and even some moaning. What the hell were they doing in there ? If only I had my weapon now, Squall thought. Maybe he could just bust in there, only armed with his boxers, who would scare the shit out of Seifer so Squall and Zell could overpower him. Nah. Too risky. But he had to do something.

He grabbed a candleholder from a cupboard and walked towards the door. The talking and moaning had stopped now. Squall took a deep breath and stormed into the room. What probably hadn’t been such a good idea either. He still hadn’t completely recovered from getting hit by Seifer’s gunblade and suddenly he felt dizziness come over him. He felt the candleholder falling out of his hand, felt his legs staying behind, saw the floor coming closer and closer. Then he hit the floor.

He felt himself being picked up from the floor by Seifer’s muscular arms. Seifer lifted Squall’s face up, so he could look into his eyes.

“Seifer…” Squall murmured.

“Squall,” Seifer grinned. “We’ve been expecting you.”

“We?” Squall asked, confused.

Seifer motioned his head in the direction of Zell, who was sitting on a big bed. Zell smiled at Squall. “We were afraid you weren’t gonna show up,” he said.

“Show up? For what? What’s going on?”

“Oh come on, Squall… Zell told me what happened at the motel. You really hurt his feelings, you know.”

“Whatever,” Squall said bitter.

“So we thought, we’ll make you pay, and have a little fun, just the three of us.”

“Fun?” Squall said. “I’m not interested in your perverted games, you fucking faggot. And let go of me.”

Seifer’s eyes narrowed a bit, but his grin only got wider. He didn’t let go of Squall, only moved his face closer to the other boy’s face. “Tsk, tsk. Such cruel language. And who are you to call us faggots, anyway? I heard some interesting stuff about you from Rinoa.”

“Like what?”

“Like, oh, I don’t know, you can’t get an erection while making love to her,” Seifer said, looking straight into Squall’s eyes.

Squall blushed, not at ease under Seifer’s gaze. “So what? I mean, not that it’s true, but, like, maybe I have some sexual disorder… It’s not like… I mean…” Squall muttered, suddenly realizing that Seifer had made a very good point by saying that Squall was gay.

Seifer shook his head slowly. “You know what you need, Squall?”

“What?” Squall asked, very softly.

“You need…” Seifer started, moving his face closer, pulling the other boy closer to him “… to be…” Their lips were almost touching, and Squall could feel the other’s hot breath on his face, looking into his eyes, scared, but not wanting Seifer to stop, not now, please, not now “… kissed.” Seifer concluded, as he pushed his lips softly against Squall’s. Squall struggled a bit, but not very convincing. He was not used to this new sensation, but it aroused him, something Rinoa never could achieve. He kissed Seifer back, feeling the fire in his mouth spread through his entire body, until he was on fire, forgetting everything else in the world, forgetting why he was here, just kissing… and burning… and releasing the feelings he had kept locked inside for all those years…

They were suddenly interrupted by the noise of Zell clearing his throat and Seifer broke off the kiss. Squall looked at Zell, who looked back a little enviously. Then he looked at Seifer.

“Well? What’s it gonna be, Leonhart? You gonna join us in our fun or you gonna walk away, believing you’re straight?” Seifer asked.

Squall doubted. “Well… I was kinda convinced I was straight… but now you made me question myself…” He looked at Seifer, and then he looked at Zell, and realized how beautiful they both were. He just never noticed before. “Aw, what the hell,” he said, smiling at Seifer.

Seifer grinned at Squall and said to Zell: “See, I told you I could convince him.”

Zell grinned at both of them. “Well come on, don’t keep me waiting then.”

Seifer placed an arm around Squall’s body and led him to the bed. “You won’t regret this,” he said, still smiling.


And Seifer was right. It was fun. And none of them regretted it.

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