The Politically Correct Final Fantasy VIII Fic
By Tenshi no Korin
Due to a lot of upset individuals, it has been declared that only Final Fantasy Fanfic that meets strict, politically correct criteria will be allowed to be posted. In accordance with these new standards, we are proud to present the new, improved face of Final Fantasy Fanfiction. We have taken care to choose the average Final Fantasy Fanfiction Writer as the author of this new, model piece.
(But only if applicable in your time zone and legal stratum)
The Politically Correct Final Fantasy VIII Fanfic
By Sailor Yuffie Serena Glitter Peace Angel Rinoa Leonhart
Cid Kramer no Miko, Biggs & Wedge no Seishi, Martine no Miko, Ward no Miko, Keeper of Irvine's used hankie and Squall's purple socks
Untitled Chapter 48/1,052
Esmerelda Heartilly-Leonhart and the other NEOSeeDs go on a mission of love and Adventure to find Angelo's lost puppies!
Songfic with Brittany Backstreet 98 N'Sync Degrees to "Whoops I Want it That Show Me the Meaning of Being Trendy"
This is my very first fan fic but there will be lots more and I'm in seventh grade and I am a vry good writer's and I am a goth and I'm a enchanted by bitterness and meloncholy and I love SQUALL AND RINOA 4-EVR plz R/R!
Once Upon a Time...
(this is the only safe beginning for a fic, be sure to take notes)
There was an angry young man named Seifer.
Seifer: You can't do that.
Seifer: I can't be called an angry young man. It's not PC. I must be referred to as "a socially challenged recently adult member of society with issues due to his tragic childhood of emotional upheaval."
There was a socially challenged recently adult member of society with issues due to his tragic childhood of emotional upheaval. Named Seifer. Is that alright?
Seifer: *consulting book* Yes, that's fine.
Yes, named Seifer Almasy.
Seifer: Not the Almasy, though.
Seifer: Not the Almasy. I have to be Almasy-Gordon-Genowitz and don't forget the Copyright Squaresoft, Inc.
GORDON-GENOWITZ!?!?! But you're AN ORPHAN!
Seifer: That's "situationally without living parental units."
Seifer: Get on with the story, please. Everyone else has to have their turn to write one. You can't take up more than ten minutes of their time. It's unconstitutional.
*rrr* Named Seifer Almasy-Gordon-Genowitz
Seifer: The third.
Seifer: *low whistle* That's not good at all. Character abuse. *makes notes*
Okay, okay! The third! He-
Seifer: Gender specific pronouns are not allowed. You must call me by my full proper name at all times.
SEIFER ALMASY GORDON GENOWITZ THE THIRD COPYRIGHT SQUARESOFT INC. loved nothing so much as his romantic dream of being a sorceress's knight and defending her honor with his trusty gunblade.
Seifer: Tsk tsk tsk we can't have that AT ALL. Sorceress must be 'womyn endowed with paramagical talents' and gunblade simply MUST be replaced with something less violent, or better yet get rid of it all together. Guns aren't PC you know. Knight is archaic, I have to be her non-gender-specific bodyguard. And as for the ROMANTIC, that's GOT to go, people might be led to believe that I'm homosexual, which we all know is WRONG BAD EVIL NASTY EEWWEWWEEEEEY!!
Hey-why is it okay to bash homosexuals when everything else has to be PC??!?!
Seifer: *sniff* Because you're ASSUMING I'm gay. You have to ASSUME I'm straight. Everybody is straight to start off with. Nobody is allowed to be gay off the bat. Even if the character is RAMPANTLY FLAMING, like, say, Nuriko, you need twelve stamped papers signed in triplicate by seven different people before you are allowed to write any character in any fanfic as being gay. And that's just gay in the general sense. Once they start lusting or, deity of your choice forbid, having sex, that's a WHOLE new set of forms. *gestures to hand truck full of papers* But if you want this fic to be Yaoi, you can start signing these. You can also only post it on a hidden webpage in black font on a black background and it is only allowed to be accessible between 4-4:23 am on the second Thursday of every month ending in 30. When the moon is full.
But that's INSANE!
Seifer: "Mentally Unstable" and we can't have you challenging anybody's world views. Now write it according to code.
Seifer Almasy Gordon Genowitz the Third copyright Squaresoft Inc. loved nothing so much as his non-homosexual in touch with his feminine side but really only interested in females as far as coital relations and only after marriage by an established religious group romantic dream of being the non-gender specific bodyguard of a womyn endowed with paramagical abilities and defending her honor with his skills in diplomatic discussion.
Seifer: I don't know about the "defending her honor" bit, but we'll let it go this time.
*ahem* One day, as Seifer Almasy Gordon Genowitz the Third Copyright Squaresoft Inc. was walking down the hallway of Balamb Garden, he met up with Zell Dincht, a fellow student.
Zell: This isn't Yaoi, is it? I have a contract. I'm a mentally based generated life form, previously referred to as fictional, and I have rights.
NO, Dammit! It's NOT yaoi!
Zell: Good. You can go ahead, now.
"Yo," Zell said, waving away a passing fly--
Zell: I have a problem with that.
Get. Over. It.
Zell: *on cell phone* Let me just pass that along to my attorney-
Alright, alright! What's your problem?
Zell: My greeting establishes me as part of a certain group and or social strata. I insist on dialogue without implications of stereotype.
Will 'hello' do?
Zell: If you can't think of anything better, I suppose...
Seifer: Wait a minute. Are we both standard Anglo males?
Seifer: Can't have that. One of us has to be a minority, and or female, and you must have a representative of that minority as part of the crew, to verify that there are no stereotypes, and contact the SPCA to ensure the rights of that fly that just passed, and--
AAAARRRTGGHHHHHH!!! SEIFER PUSHED ZELL AGAINST THE WALL AND #$%&ED HIM INTO THE PAVEMENT!! SEIFER IS A WACKO WITH A BIG POINTY WEAPON THAT HE LIKES TO HURT PEOPLE WITH AND ZELL IS A SHORT HYPER TWERP THAT LIKES TO BE SQUALL'S LITTLE BOY! AND THEY'RE ALL TRAINED KILLERS! AND THE CHICK CHARACTERS ARE WIMPIER THAN THE GUYS! AND THE GAME TEACHES YOU THAT FIGHTING AND CHEAT CODES CAN SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS AND SENDS A MESSAGE TO YOUTH THAT BEING SOCIALLY INEPT AND INSENSITIVE IS COOL! THERE! THERE, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, YOU FREAKS?!?!?!
Seifer: Um, well. I can work with that.
Zell: Yeah. Um. That's okay with me.
GOOD. THE END.
Squall: I have a question about my contract...
No twelve-year old fanfic-writing Sailor Moon fans were harmed in the production of this fic.
The twelve year old fanfic-writing Gundam Wing fans were thrown out of a speeding car.
You may now send Tenshi hate mail so she can laugh her ass off at it and spew beer on her screen, because if you're threatened by this I know exactly what kind of fanfic writer you are. ^_^}
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