One Moment, And A Year
Chapter 10 - Hard As Stone And Cold As Ice
Early Monday, February 2nd
Seifer's muscles were tense, like frustration was beginning to show itself in him physically. He needed relief but even Zell couldn't give him that. As he slammed the smaller boy up against the Training Centre wall he could feel the body beneath him was aching and tight too. The tendons in Zell's neck were strained as he clenched his teeth; his hands were kneading Seifer's shoulders. Seifer gripped him tighter and upped the pace, pounding into Zell with searching ferocity. They both seemed to think that if only they worked hard enough something would come of it. That was why they were here at this time of night. Hoping to restore something, maybe even just a sense of danger.
For almost a month now they had been trying to get it all back. All the lust they had once had was still there, but it strained and buckled under new needs and desires. The belonging they wanted to feel but couldn't was morphing itself into frustration. They wanted more but couldn't make it between them, so they fucked with increasing irritation and begged for release.
Zell had thought that morning that maybe a new month would make new changes, maybe they had reached a ditch and only had to climb out of it to make it all the way it was before. But what if things went too far back? What if they returned to the way they had been before any of this had started? Before Quistis' party four months ago, before Ultimecia. Both of them wanted these new feelings to go away, they didn't want to form attachments and they certainly didn't want to fall in love with one another but that was what they needed, and what they were beginning to realise they wanted.
So they tried to force things back to the way they should be with sex and violence. But even the taste of Zell's cut lip in his mouth couldn't satisfy Seifer. Zell bit down on his shoulder and came violently against his chest, into a condom. Then Seifer dug his fingers into Zell's thigh and came hard inside him. A few seconds later as Zell was resting his forehead against Seifer's chest the gunblader slammed his fist into the wall behind him.
Zell flinched as the metal at his back reverberated and he looked up. But Seifer did not meet his eyes; instead he disentangled himself from the smaller boy and violently tugged his clothes back on. Zell stood there watching for a few moments, shirt off, trousers down around one ankle, breathing heavily. He considered asking 'What?' but he knew exactly what the problem was. Instead he pulled his jeans back up and tugged on his t-shirt. When he raised his eyes Seifer was watching him.
"This is shit," Seifer stated simply.
Zell raised one eyebrow delicately but said nothing. He knew Seifer was right.
"You give me nothing anymore," Seifer picked up his trench coat and dusted it off. Mud from the training centre was staining one sleeve so he batted at it for a moment while Zell considered what he'd said.
"I give you nothing?" Zell frowned. He wasn't sure he liked that statement.
"Why did you think we were here?" Seifer snapped. This was horrible, this whole fucking conversation, this whole situation. Why had he started this? Zell was nothing to him. Never had been, so why make something of nothing?
"It's all about you," Zell replied quietly and sarcastically. "It always is."
"You thought I might be doing this for you?" Seifer approached him with a scornful look in his eyes. "You think I'm that *nice* do you?" When Zell didn't reply he continued. "Of course it's all about fucking *me*. Who else would I do anything for? Who else is worth anything?"
"Me," Zell snapped. "Hyne! You're such a selfish, arrogant prick. You couldn't do anything for anyone if your life depended on it. I know that--"
"But now you want me to be nice to *you*? You of all people? Fucking Hell Chicken Wuss. You know you mean nothing to me."
Zell tried not to let that one hurt. But even if he did hate Seifer a part of him wanted Seifer's respect, wanted to be liked by him so it stung a little. He turned his face away and began to even out his breathing so he wouldn't react. There was no way he would let Seifer get to him. This time the emotions would not come out. He wouldn't fume or yell or scowl or hit things, he would stay calm and show the arrogant fuckhead that was Seifer Almasy exactly how much control he *did* have.
But either Seifer didn't believe he could do it or he didn't look very convincing for when he turned to look at the older boy again Seifer was smirking his victory smirk.
"You shithead," Zell began.
"Speak for yourself, Chicken Wuss," Seifer interrupted. "You're absolutely totally fucking predictable. You're a child. So fucking immature and stupid. You thought I might actually grow to *like* you? You're pathetic."
Zell lost all control he had. Maybe that was Seifer's plan all along. Maybe he wanted Zell to do something stupid so he couldn't be blamed if Zell was hurt.
'Honestly, sir, he threw the first punch.'
And so he did. Launching himself at Seifer the little martial artist's foot collided with Seifer's hand as the gunblader was swerving out of the way.
"Fucking... shit!" Seifer swore.
When he landed Zell glared at his regained enemy. He knew he shouldn't have gone for Seifer but he had never been able to restrain himself. When his eyes met Seifer's the gunblader's were narrowed and dark. He was cradling his abused left hand and the look on his face was one of pure murderous hatred.
It was back to the way things had been before. But now, suddenly, neither could believe that they'd let the other touch them. That they'd actually, less than five minutes ago, orgasmed because of that stupid shithead who was once more their sworn enemy.
With the slow deliberate movements of a trained killer Seifer straightened his back, his bruised hand falling by his side. In silence the two of them moved into fighting positions. But Seifer, for once, moved faster than Zell. He knew the only way to catch Zell was if he were distracted, the martial artist's reflexes were just too good otherwise. Seifer tackled him before he could fight and had him flat on his back on the ground in a second. Zell struggled as Seifer pressed his wrists down and straddled the top of Zell's thighs to hold them in place. But even though in their minds they were killing each other their bodies betrayed them. They recognised each other as the one they'd been fucking for the past four months and erections budded, pressed through their clothes against each other like reunited lovers.
"Brat," Seifer growled. "I ought to smash your head in."
"Fuckhead," Zell responded. "Lemme go before I decide you *do* deserve to be executed."
Seifer lifted Zell's wrists in his hands then slammed them back against the ground, feeling the crunch of bones under his strength.
Zell scowled as he tried to ignore the pain. As a martial artist he was good at that and as a SeeD instructor he knew even with a GF Seifer shouldn't be that strong. But the older boy wasn't allowed GFs, was he?
The only time they had been this close over the past four months had been when they were fucking, now, blood boiling with anger they had to push down the lust they still felt for each other and the need to just rip the other boy's clothes off and fuck. Somehow they had to remind themselves that this was a battle not the bedroom.
They lay together, breathing heavily and glaring at their enemy for a few moments before Seifer sat back and released Zell's wrists. He watched in fascination as the smaller boy inspected them for damage but only came up with a clear purple bruise around each. In silence they waited, for an explanation, for an apology, for anything.
Seifer scowled at Zell's wrists, he didn't want to hurt the other blond but sometimes he just couldn't control himself. Even when he had tackled him it was less the need to hurt than the need to control. There it was again, he really needed to learn to let go. When he raised his eyes to look at his adversary the martial artist was watching him with an unreadable expression.
"Get off me, Seifer," he said quietly.
The gunblader was about to refuse the order but realised he should back down sometime soon and see if they couldn't salvage something from this little debacle. Maybe just having someone to be with when they needed it, there wasn't room for much else now. He stood up and backed away from the body beneath him. He considered momentarily offering Zell his hand to help him up but didn't want to surrender that much. Instead he looked away, turning from the boy and wondering if it was just lack of sleep that was making him such an arsehole again. Maybe he was tired, it was 3am after all...
"Seifer," Zell's voice was quiet, it would have seemed meek but for the anger in it. "I'm going home."
"Don't back out now, Chickie," he replied. Typical Zell to just walk away and ignore the problem. "We're only just getting started."
Zell rolled his eyes and sighed. "If you want to talk about this fine. If you want to be a dickhead about it then that's fine too just don't expect me to hang around for it." The martial artist took a deep breath; he needed to be clear-headed and practical about this. But he knew that was stupid. He would never be able to explain to Seifer what he was thinking. "Well?"
Seifer was smirking at him again. "You want to have a D&M now do you?"
"Fuck you, you arrogant shit," Zell shook his head in disbelief. He really had been mad getting involved with this idiot.
Seifer approached him with an egotistical swagger in his step. As Zell stepped back to leave the gunblader grabbed his arm. "You wanted to talk didn't you?" he asked, face twisted into that sneer again.
Zell sighed, Seifer managed to look so perfect sometimes and so ugly at others, just by changing his expression. "Not now, Seifer."
The gunblader shook his head in disgust and threw Zell's arm away from him with such force the smaller boy staggered. "You said you wanted to talk about it now," he argued, approaching him again as Zell backed into the wall.
"For fucks sake Seifer!" A steady, silent fume was building itself inside him, letting him know that either he left now or this would get ugly.
"You're such a spineless little shit," Seifer advanced on him, a threat in his eyes. "At the merest hint of responsibility and you're off. It's a wonder anyone could like you."
"You didn't complain when we were fucking did you?"
"That was nothing personal." They were now so close Seifer could have kissed Zell were he so inclined. "I can't think why you would think it was. I needed to get my rocks off and you practically threw yourself at me."
"I fucking well did not!" Zell voice rose higher in outrage. "You grabbed *me* arsehole!"
"Only because you were there. An available body to fuck is always useful."
The outrage on Zell's face quickly became comprehension as it dawned on him that was true. It was all they were to each other. He turned his face from Seifer's as he felt it all fall away. There was no admiration, no friendship, nothing. How could he have been so stupid to just give himself over like that? To think Seifer might have actually changed?
Zell looked down at the daisies by his foot as a pained look crossed his childlike face. He murmured into his shoulder as he felt Seifer's smirk burn into the side of his head. "You make me feel like a whore."
Seifer scoffed. "Well, so far as I'm concerned, that's all you are."
It was sudden, the realisation that Zell had actually put more into this than either of them knew. But so had Seifer, he'd just managed to hide it from Zell. Maybe he hadn't meant to hurt him but how else was he supposed to act when shit just wasn't working out the way he wanted it too? When nothing would work?
He studied the smaller boy for a few moments. The hurt in Zell's eyes was painfully obvious but Seifer wasn't looking for that, he wanted to see guilt and regret, he wanted Zell to know that all this was his fault. Maybe they were reconcilable but this argument was Zell's fault. All his. Seifer was innocent.
"I can't believe you're actually saying this shit like you have no emotions at all. What's wrong with you?" Zell studied his face for some sort of response. "Why couldn't we have had this out civilly?!"
Seifer's eyes narrowed. "You started this Zell, now until you apologise you can fuck off."
"Who am I talking too?" Zell demanded, feeling his anger get the better of him. "You sound like a pathetic child. No wonder it took you so many fucking tries to pass the field exam. You don't have leadership issues; you're just a useless failure. You just can't get anything right can you?"
And, without his even thinking, Seifer's hand rose, almost of it's own accord, and backhanded Zell across the face. Before his hand had even fallen Seifer realised violence was making it worse, he may have just lost Zell forever.
"Zell, I..." he began but looking at him saw the smaller blond cradling his cheek in one hand. And those electric blue eyes were no longer gentle like a clear summer sky, but hard as stone and cold as ice. They silenced Seifer immediately and froze him to the spot.
And without a word, Zell walked away.
Waaa! I hate myself for writing this chapter but it had to be done. Sorry. I'd tell you it all turns out ok but that'd ruin the next chapter... XD I'm writing it very quickly because Moruwen will kill me if I don't. Should be up in the next few days.
You make me feel like a whore? Everclear. Very good song but I can't remember the name of it.
Oh yeah, and Random Disclaimer: If it's under fan fiction then they ain't mine, k? They belong to Squaresoft.
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