Never mine

By Purple Penguin

I smiled and rested my chin on his shoulder, he grinned at me before turning back to the card he had carefully made with his precious free time for the girl in the library. Zell had always had a thing for her and although I thought she wasnít worth it he didnít seem to be getting over her anytime soon. I was forced to keep my mouth and be a supportive friend, even though I thought that stage of us being friends would be over last year when I told him a I loved him, but it didnít change anything. He didnít feel the same way and I was desperate not to lose him, so we remained friends, best friends, maybe a bit closer now because of my confession but other than that we were the same as if I never told him.

"Good?" He asked.

I smiled, I have to when Iím near him itís contagious. "Very good, sheíll love it Iím sure of it."

I watched him get up from our table in the library to the counter where she worked to give her the card. Her two friends gathered round too, not fair on him when they started to laugh and she tried not to. Childish she said, making cards. Okay so maybe the glitter was a little over the top but I thought it was sweet, but then again Iím biased arenít I?

I lay on my bed with him in my arms, usually this close proximity is bad for me, to be this close and knowing I still canít have him, it hurts. But heís upset and he needs my help, I want to help in anyway I can.

People always mistake us for a couple, I wish, I dream, probably only because weíre so close maybe they can see how much I love him and assume he loves me back. Itís amazing really, as soon as puberty hit he was all I thought about mainly in a sex way at first but now I hardly ever dream of him in a sex way anymore itís always how he comes to his senses and realizes he loves me back.

I blink as he whispers my name. I look down on him and he gazes up at me, eyes glassy and I sigh as one lone tear falls down his cheek. I lift a hand to wipe it away, caressing his skin as I do so. "Donít cry over her, sheís not worth it."

Another tear falls. "Please donít cry, it hurts when you cry." I tell him, hoping itís comforting to him.

He blinks and smiles slightly. "Seifer?"

"Hmm?" One hand absently strokes through his hair while the other hand holds him close.

"Tell me you love me."

I blinked, surprised at the comment but I knew he was upset and lonely, he needed someone. "I love you, always."

For a second I hold onto the hope that heíll say it back and everything will be perfect, he almost looks like heís going to, or maybe Iím seeing what I want to, he just buries his face into my throat with a sigh. My eyes slip shut for a second, partly because itís nice to have him curled up this close but mostly itís ripping me apart and I canít bear it.

"Iím sorry."

I frown. What does he have to be sorry for? "For what?"

"Iím sorry for using you."

I smiled. "You donít use me, sweetie."

"But I- What do you get in return?"

I pulled him closer. "I just want to see you happy, thatís all." I buried my head in his fluffy blonde hair.

Sometimes I dream and itís so real, me and Zell, my Zell together at last, and he tells me he loves me and itís like one of those cheesy romance movies only sometimes I believe it when I wake up and of course heís never there beside me when I wake up and reality starts to creep back in.

"Please tell me youíre not going to waste more of your time on her."

I felt him smile slightly against my throat. "No I think I can get over her."

"Well good, she doesnít deserve you." I closed my eyes enjoying the warmth of him against me. When I close my eyes I see him, when Iím awake I long to be near and if Iím not it hurts. God, Iím pathetic. I know you day will come when he leaves me for good, marries some girl and lives happily ever after, I donít know what Iíll do if itís to happen. I donít know if I can live without him, I donít want to find out. When did I become for dependent on him? All I want is to keep him in my arms forever.

He struggles a bit. "Seifer, I still need to breathe."

I pull back when I realize I had been holding him too tightly. "Sorry." I muttered. "Sure youíll be okay?"

He smiled. "Yeah, itís not the end of the world and besides I have you to look after me right?"

I couldnít tell if he was teasing me or not so I simply pressed a kiss to his hair and whispered.


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