Disclaimer: All characters belong to Square Soft (unfortunately). I don't own them, I didn't use them that inappropriately. Don't sue me. I don't have any money.

Author's Comments: If you don't like yaoi (boy + boy) of Squall and Seifer, I suggest you get out because this is 100% SQUALL WANTS SEIFER. Okay? And for those of you who read this, I've only written a part of it. I want you tell me if it's worth continuing, okay? ^_^ Okay then. And the song is from Monica's MTV meant-for-television movie 'Love Song'. It's called 'What My Heart Says'.

* - Song lyrics indication
` - Thoughts, remembrances


By Alix Vitesse

A small growl came from Seifer's curled lips as he jumped back. The last clang of Squall's gunblade against his own rang across his ears as he staggered up painfully, clutching his gunblade tightly at the hilt. The weight he held was barely anything to his strength, but the battle he fought panged at the pit of his stomach. The rain bashed against his wild-swept blond tresses, which were now soaked and whipping mercilessly against his forehead.

"Leonhart, you'll regret this," he muttered harshly between each fierce, feral breath. He didn't want to fight Squall. But it was his own fault; he got himself here - Seifer Almasy and his infamous goddamned pride. "I wasn't planning on killing you for a long time." In truth, he wouldn't kill Squall - even if he had the slightest, easiest chance.

Squall kept quiet and tried to force the insane beat of the rain and their gunblades out of his head. With any other opponent, Squall knew he would never have to focus this much. Seifer was the only formidable, worthy opponent for Squall. Anyone else would have been too easy.

Too easy - Squall hated anything 'too easy'. The arrogance inside of him reminded him of the man here, who claimed to want to take his life.

"Right here, right now, Leonhart. Are you tired yet? The beginning's past. This is the end - you're gonna die tonight."

The painful pangs in Seifer’s stomach rose and gurgled within him. His words... so cold, so cold even he couldn't believe he said it. But he had always been cold. Why did they turn back on him so much right now? He was supposed to hate Squall. He was supposed to hate anyone he knew could be better than him - anyone who was better than him. But Squall - yes, Squall was better and Seifer did hate him... his words proved it. Everything he had said to Squall he meant. He was supposed to hate him... he was supposed to... He did... Didn't he?

Squall's eyes burned as the drops of cold water pierced his azure pupils. His nostrils kept their cool while he grit his teeth and shallowly snarled. His light hazel hair flew back as a gust of wind cleared his face enough for Seifer to witness.

"This battle... is OVER!" Squall shouted.

Before Seifer could react, Squall in a rage raced toward him, gunblade raised. Seifer, in mid-shock, could do nothing but stand there. Just as Squall brought down the gunblade to Seifer's neck, Seifer's reflexes snapped and he brought up his gunblade and blocked it with one hand. Seifer quickly propped another hand on the slippery hilt and ground his teeth. Squall's eyes blazed with a strange fire as he stared at Seifer below him. Electricity from their bodies began to rise, flickering over their gunblades. Thunder rolled above them, lightning streaking the sky, and hitting the entwined blades.

A blast of pure energy discharged from the gunblades and blasted both Seifer and Squall backwards in opposite directions. Their hands released their gunblades as electricity ran through their bodies, paralyzing them both temporarily. The two gunblades, after being let loose, slashed both fighters' foreheads - a mark of their foolish battle. A bloody scar now ran slanted roughly across their foreheads, forever marking the draw of the two men, and a whole new relation to the other's soul.

'Beep... beep... beep...'

Blurry beats played inside of Squall's head. He tried to open his eyes, but couldn't. He tried to raise his head, but he couldn't do that either. He couldn't move. But he knew he was already standing...


A long, high-pitched beep ran across his head. His eyes opened. Where was he? Everything was dim - he couldn't perceive as well as he should. He tried to move, and once again, couldn't.

Squall was confused. He looked around for anybody. He found himself standing in the middle of a field. He saw a white feather... Then a familiar face, alongside one he'd never seen before. A girl... A pretty, cheery looking girl with a beautiful wispy smile. It made Squall think of peace... of tranquillity, of want. Of the ease it would bring to his life if he reached for her. Lofty white feathers circled her body - lithe dove feathers. The sign of peace for humans... yes, that beautiful sign of peace.

At that point, Squall looked at the other side, the familiar side. The side with the familiar face of... Seifer. The coldhearted, uncaring Seifer who was so full of himself, so prideful. But this man - this man wasn't Seifer. Squall knew, even though he looked like Seifer... the hair, the face... Squall looked closer. He could walk now?

Seifer was sitting on the cold floor. Everything around him was black, with a single ray of light dawning upon his sullen body. Seifer seemed still as he stared blankly at the darkness around him. His eyes were tired, but open wide, not the icy blue eyes full of pride and enticement Squall had gotten used to eyeing. This man’s eyes were so empty and dry. Squall's eyes widened in confusion as Seifer's eyes moved to his side. A wistful smile flitted across Seifer's face as he looked down at a knife with a silver cross necklace laying on top of it. Squall moved to bend down beside Seifer, but Seifer couldn't sense his presence somehow: What?

Seifer's hand travelled past Squall's knees to the silver cross. A fancy rose's stem curved down the long of the cross where his name -Squall Leonhart- was engraved. Squall looked up to Seifer's face - the face that rarely smiled a true, sincere smile. Seifer's face frowned and he threw the cross toward where Squall kneeled. The silver metal slide to a rest by Squall’s feet. Squall picked it up and looked at it in his hand, and saw Seifer's touch the knife. Squall screamed but no voice came from his throat, and so he tried to push it away before Seifer picked it up. But then Seifer disappeared. By then Squall was having difficulty believing what Seifer had been about to do, and difficulty believing how he disappeared.

Squall looked up to find the girl hugging him in her warm embrace. He felt so safe, but the safety felt so easy to grasp for him. She was there, and he wanted her peacefulness, and he had it. He had it because he wanted it, and the knowledge of her being there and close made it so easy. Too easy- and Squall hated anything 'too easy'... and what was Seifer? Seifer was his difficulty. Seifer was the one that kept Squall wanting more, more because Seifer could take away what he had. Did that make Seifer something more to him?

A final flash of light blinded Squall, a spill of illiterate words warping in his mind continuously - until he woke up.


*So let them say it's wrong
*For me to love you


"Now, to get in shape for your practice assessment tomorrow, Mr. Leonhart, please amuse us with at least one answer," Quistis sarcastically spat out for the third time. "We'd love to hear from you soon..."

Squall, unfortunately wasn't paying attention, being too deep in his thoughts. His nonchalant and faraway expression was beginning to annoy her. Seifer grinned wickedly and propped his feet up on Squall's desk, slamming them hard onto the metal surface.

Seifer's black, baggy silk clad legs outstretched on Squall's desk stopped Quistis. She sighed heavily, arms held strictly on her hips, and shook her head, muttering about Squall (who had now been woken from his thoughts by Seifer's intrusion). Seifer snickered and kicked Squall's elbow, making Squall's still dazed head fall onto his desk.

"Alright, you two, you're staying here after class, no questions about it!" Quistis snapped, pointing furiously to the nearest student in the room.

Squall groaned, the wound on his head blazing with pain. Seifer smirked and pulled his feet back onto the ground and continued to work on his laptop. Squall slightly lifted his head and turned to face Seifer, who was busily reading away.

"Bastard." Squall murmured painfully. Seifer's ear twitched, and his smirk widened into a sly grin. Seifer loved making Squall look bad, and Squall knew that. Sometimes he even enjoyed it - but he didn't know why.

Time to time, Seifer would stop working for a quick second to flash a quick glance at Squall. Somehow, Seifer wasn't afraid to admit it to himself anymore. He did have a fondness for Squall - he just didn't know what kind. He would constantly pick on Squall like a quirky 12-year-old with a silly crush. But that was wrong - Seifer was a man. He knew well his preference, that didn't bother him. But were preferences made to be correct? But he didn't love the man, no, he didn't love Squall. That wouldn't be allowed... and Squall wouldn't love him back anyway.

Squall noticed Seifer stop to think, watched as that small frown appeared on his face and was quickly hid away again. And when he stopped to notice, Squall found himself absently staring. Seifer never thought of it - he was too busy thinking his own thoughts. Squall wondered what his dream was about. The girl had looked incredibly like Rinoa... and now he realized that she was. That woman in his dreams had been Rinoa. The ease of peace within him was Rinoa. But what was peace to Squall? He had so many questions to ask, but he couldn't ask them and find out himself... it would be too hard.

Then it struck him. Too hard. Yes, that was it. The questions were too hard... and the answer was that difficulty. And he'd find his difficulty in Seifer. It had always been there. He would go to him... One day, he knew that Seifer would be his answer.

A slow rapping on Squall's dormitory door was followed by a woman's voice. Squall got up from his bed and hastily opened it to reveal Rinoa... with her bags.

"Squall... I'm sorry, but I don't love you anymore. I've grown apart - I'm sorry. I've got to go now..." her voice was trembling, but Squall could tell she was faking it.

"So who's the unlucky bastard now, Rinoa?" he asked harshly, gritting his teeth and glaring at her. Rinoa gave him an innocent, bewildered look.

"What - what are you talking about? I just... I - I just don't love you anymore!"

Squall didn't believe her. She was walking out of his life - and she was leaving nothing but lies. He felt an anger... not pain, anger... a deep, deep, anger.

"Rinoa, just get the hell away from him and go fuck the bastard who chose you for his whore. No one here needs a bitch like you. Go!" a voice said from across the hall. An angered Seifer came rushing down the hall to aid a hurt Squall.

"Seifer, what the-"

"Just go, you whore, he doesn't need you. Just go to your damned bastard. Leave!" Seifer said, with more anger and passion than he'd ever put into his and Squall’s duels.

Rinoa's eyes widened as she picked up her bags and flew down the stairs, and out of Balamb Garden forever. Seifer's glare lasted as he began to push Squall into his dormitory. Squall just sat on his bed, angered and relieved that the bitch was out of his life forever.

"She's hurt a lot of people, Squall. Forget about her," Seifer said. Was he being reassuring? Squall looked up, confused at how Seifer was acting. "Don't think I'll ever act like this again. Let it last. She's hurt me as bad as you. I just didn't want it to happen again, no matter who it was."

Squall forced a chuckle and lay back on his bed.

"I thought you just hated her because she liked me," he said, unconcerned. Seifer eyed him, then raised a mocking eyebrow.

"That's not a reason to hate anyone," Seifer replied. He was serious at the moment... he seemed different to Squall. He found he should take advantage of the moment as of now.

"So how'd it happen?"

Seifer gave him that mocking look again. He smirked and sat down on a stray stool. "I was looking for comfort. She gave it to me. I thought she really appreciated who I was - the self I showed only to her. But that whore only toyed with me and threw me away when she found y-o-u."

Squall looked a little hurt from the comment, but he replied, "I never really liked her."

"You sure didn't show it, kid."

"You're one year older - don't call me 'kid'."

"Deal with it, Squall. You remember who you're talking to?"

Squall chuckled a little, but Seifer remained serious. Squall never laughed - much less smiled. But in his state of confusion, and at Seifer's cold endearment, he didn't mind one bit. Seifer was distant right now, and Squall was determined to at least start something now. He wanted to know... if Seifer was really the answer to his questions. But Squall was quiet - he wasn't the babbling type. But he was so confused - he just couldn't help it.

"Listen, kid, I'm going. I just wanted to make sure the bitch was out for good." Seifer didn't bother to look at Squall as he stood up and headed for the door. Squall needed to ask one more thing before he left.

"Seifer... how'd you get over her?" Seifer turned to him and shrugged.

"Listen to what your heart says. Whatever it said, felt, or knew about that lyin' scum of a street whore... forget it all."

Answer number one. Just a few more answers and Squall wouldn't deny that Seifer was his answer - he just couldn't show it. It wasn't right... was it?


*They could never feel the way that I do
*When we kiss, when we're close like this


Seifer stopped at the door abruptly, but didn't turn around. Squall didn't notice, but did look up when Seifer spoke.

"I'm heading to my dormitory to work out. I have a small collection of weights there. Looks like you need a workout, how about it? I doubt you've got that bitch out of your mind yet; it'll do you good. I don't want a weak archrival, for another reason. You'll be needing it for sure, anyway, when our next battle comes." He spun around with a small smirk, leaning into the doorway frame with his elbow and resting his head against his side-turned palm.

Squall peered amusedly at Seifer who was being... nice??? Squall figured - maybe it was because Seifer felt so much pity for Squall being with someone as fake as Rinoa. So Seifer didn't have pride just for himself - it was for those he knew as well, even if he did hate Squall. Squall turned away and sighed, nodding, as Seifer did the same. "My dormitory in 15 minutes, if you want."

Squall stood up after Seifer closed his door. Yes, a good workout was what he needed right now; a workout to clear his mind from Rinoa. Seifer had been right again.

He walked to his closet and pulled out an old, tight cotton wife-beater he used to use for his workouts (which weren't so frequent in a place with no gyms) and pulled on a pair of loose black pants. He figured since he’d been offered, he couldn't refuse. Grabbing a towel from a rack beside his desk, he made his way out his door, closing it and making his way over to Seifer's dormitory.

Squall knocked twice and was invited in by an already glistening Seifer in his own wife-beater (this one was black) who was wiping his towel all over his face. He just opened the door and let Squall in, and got back to his bench presses. Squall noticed that even though Seifer must have worked out a lot, that his build was a lot like his - athletically muscular, though a bit larger. Squall sat on one of the three mini-bench presses in Seifer's room, and found he couldn't take his eyes off of Seifer. He was in a mid-trance when Seifer sat up and noticed that Squall had been staring the whole time. Seifer wished it was what he thought - but he couldn't think those kinds of thoughts. Not about the person he was supposed to hate the most... not about him. He began to wipe the hot sweat from his body, but Squall didn't stir his gaze away.

"You didn't come here for a show, did you Leonhart? Listen, the only reason you're here is because I don't want my only decent rival to become a weak ass when faced against me. Make your time of it, Squall; either I kick you out, or you stay and work out, got it?"

Seifer's words cut himself. What was wrong with him? Why did he feel bad because he had insulted the man he hated, as if he really hated him? And was he just being nice to Squall? But that whore Rinoa - she had done it again. She had hurt someone - the person that he hated - the only person he had ever felt something so passionate for. Was it really hate to Seifer now? Unknown to either of them - they were both as confused as the other.

Squall lay down on the bench press and began to lift weights, already set at 410 lbs. Amazingly to Squall, he was able to lift it with ease. The two worked out for about two hours that night, and then Squall got ready to leave. Seifer went straight to bed and didn't even bother saying goodbye to Squall, who in turn just walked out without another word.

That night, Squall couldn't sleep. Scenes of forbidden love kept playing inside his head, scenes of the most forbidden love to a man - with another man. And due to irony, no other man appeared in his dreams except his answer - Seifer. But in Squall's surprise, he didn't push any of it away. He let them continue... He knew he needed Seifer. He needed his answer. Seifer was his answer, and he knew it. But how could he ever show it? How would he know that Seifer felt the same? He would do what it took... Squall knew that he couldn't live without his answers in Seifer.

Seifer couldn't sleep at all, as well. All night, he kept questioning himself and what was really going on. Was it just his pity for Squall for being played by Rinoa? Or was it outstretched comfort to Squall, for the only reason he hated Squall was that he had lost him to Rinoa. But no - he knew now, from all his questions. He did love this man, more than anyone, and felt the deepest passion he could have never thought himself to express. But he couldn't express it - not in the world they lived in.

Squall couldn't take it anymore.

`Follow your heart, kid, `

Yes, Squall would follow his heart tonight.

Squall raced down the halls to Seifer's room. He rapped madly on the door - over and over and waited in his own burning passions to do what he had to - what he needed to.

Seifer slowly opened the door- unknowing to his coming surprise.

As soon as Seifer opened his door, Squall couldn't wait another second. Squall looked down, then grabbed Seifer's shoulders, drawing him into a hot embrace and locking Seifer’s lips with his own in an intoxicate, exhilarating kiss. Squall pushed Seifer back into his room and kicked the door to close it. He pushed Seifer back to the wall and trapped him between his heated body and the cold wall. He could feel Seifer's hand trying to push him away, then stop. Squall felt Seifer's arms stop pushing and moving to encircle his waist instead. The kiss lasted, lasting even longer when their tongues met and entwined hotly. Squall dropped his jacket, sliding his arms around Seifer's head, running his hands through Seifer's corn-silk smooth tendrils.

Seifer was in semi-shock from Squall's entrance, but he didn't let that stop him. He wanted this, he'd wanted it for so long and he wouldn't give up that chance now. Seifer let his hands travel along Squall's back caressing it, the tricky limbs finding their way inside Squall's shirt. Seifer softly moaned into their kiss as he felt Squall's hand run through his hair. He didn't know what came over him... but he knew that he loved Squall more than anything. But was Squall just looking for comfort? Was he just looking for comfort? He didn't know, but right now he would let this last though he knew he would be heartbroken when the truth came. The night took them into a desire for their incomplete needs.


*They can't see inside my soul
*They don't know the love we know
*All they do is waste their time
*They can never change my mind


Squall tightened his grip around Seifer, locking their legs inside the soft silk covers. Seifer was asleep, breathing slowly. Squall knew that it was wrong to love another man in this way - or was it? Squall didn't think so. Seifer was the answer he'd been looking for. The wrong that was right in his life. He would never let Seifer go now... not ever.

He brushed his lips across Seifer's still, soft lips. Squall drifted into his own slumber, his tightened grip loosening as he began to fall asleep.

Seifer opened his eyes right as Squall fell asleep. What had he just done? It was all for comfort to him... right? He wasn't allowed to love men... but he loved Squall. But he couldn't love Squall, no. This was all comfort, he reminded himself. Just comfort...

The two dressed and got ready to train for battle. Seifer hadn't said a word to Squall all morning, even if they were in the same room. When Seifer walked to the bathroom, Squall tried to put his arms around his neck and pull him in for another kiss - but Seifer wouldn't let it happen. Had there been something wrong about last night to Seifer? He wasn't complaining last night... hadn't Squall given him what they both wanted? Or was it just Squall who wanted Seifer... who loved Seifer... who didn't love him back... Squall backed away from Seifer, a confused and hurt look in his eyes. He turned around and sat on Seifer's bed, burying his head in his hands.

"Seifer... what the hell is wrong?" he asked. His voice began to crack as his mind reeled in even more confusion. Seifer glowered down at him, one hand on the doorknob.

"Squall... last night was just comfort. For both of us, all right? Just some wild fantasy forcing its way out, nothing more. We can't let anyone know, Leonhart - I have a reputation to uphold around here."

Squall's eyes widened in disbelief.

"What are you saying now? That your reputation matters more than what we just shared? What the hell are you trying to say, Seifer? I - I can't understand what more can you want? Didn't you want that, Seifer? If you didn't, then you sure weren't complaining..." Squall raved. He was confused and angry and hurt all at once. Didn't Seifer know by now that he was the only thing Squall loved, looked to for hope, for answers? Why couldn't Seifer see?

"Shut up, Squall. Last night - we were both just wanting something else. And we got it through each other. That doesn't mean anything. I am still the enemy you know I am."


"Listen Squall! I don't want things to change. I want everything to stay the way it's always been."

"So I'm nothing to you?"

Seifer growled and spun around, facing Squall with... tears?

"Squall, we live in a world where no one will accept who we are if we ever become what you want. I will never be the same person. You will never be the same person. I don't want you to change, Squall. I don't ever want things to change... I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want anyone to leave. It's the only way I know how to keep the things - and the ones - that I care about - that I cherish - that I love."

Squall stood up and put a hand onto Seifer's quivering shoulder. Seifer only looked down, but Squall raised a hand to Seifer's chin, lifting it up.

"Things will stay the way they are, Seifer. And I'll always be here." Squall's beautiful baby blue eyes glittered with a spark only given to Seifer. Seifer's own icy ocean orbs looked up to meet his, their lips interlocking for a passionate kiss. Seifer ran his hands through Squall's wild locks.

"How about that battle now, eh kid?"

Squall smirked.

"Let's get it on, bastard."


It's what my heart says
And that is all I listen to
It's what my heart feels
It tells me - it tells me what to do
It's what my heart knows
And that's the only - only truth I know is real
All I hear is what my heart says to me



I plan to continue this, but if you think the story sucks and it's way OOC (out of character) I'd appreciate a few comments. I think it sucks ;_; do you??? Comment me people!

Return to Archive | next