Slight shounen-ai content. SeiferxSquall. (So what? I think they make a better couple than Squall and Rinoa. I hate %&$*#%# Rinoa, she's a plot device. She sucks. So sue me.) Usual disclaimers apply. If, god forbid, you actually want to archive this story somewhere then just drop me line and let me know the address and all that and I'll probably give you permission. I don't bite, really. Anyway, spoilers for Disk One and the beginning of Disk Two.

Losing It

A Final Fantasy VIII Fan Fiction

By Antenora

He's still sleepin'. He's been sleepin' since shortly after the battle. I can't say I'm surprised. Getting impaled by a giant ice spear could tire anyone out... even Squall Leonhart. I helped transport him here to D-District Prison.

Or did I just give the order for him to be transported here?

I don't really remember.

It hurts if I try to think about it for too long.

I know I was somehow at least partly responsible for him being brought to this dreadful place. This high-tech chamber of horrors. This place where the cries of prisoners wrongly accused ring in my ears all hours of the day and night. He doesn't belong in a place like this. Didn't I train him well enough that he should've been able to avoid this? Didn't you say you could fight anyone, Squall?

I know you did, though it seems so long ago that we stood in the square of...

Where was it again?

Deling City?


I don't remember...

Why did things have to turn out like this?


When we brought him here I couldn't do much more than throw a few glances in his direction. He still had that damn ice lance imbedded in his chest. I refused to allow the soldiers to remove it. My sorceress had ordered them not to heal him... at least it seems she did.

Maybe it was me.

I'm not so sure.

But I know I ordered them not to remove the lance. I knew if it were to be removed, he'd probably have bled to death. Not that she probably won't order me to kill him anyway. I don't want you to die, Squall. I don't. But I will do as my sorceress wishes... regardless of my own feelings on the matter.

There's no other option.

At least, I don't think there is.

Maybe there is.

I don't know.

My sorceress is abed now, her voice no longer spinning in my brain. It is only now, when I'm alone with only my own voice in my head, that I feel remorse.

It won't last.

At least I don't think it will.

I don't remember feeling remorse when you were injured... not at first.

Maybe I did.

I don't know.

Either way, she'll awaken soon and then I must go back to my duty. I have no doubt I will hurt you as part of that duty.

Will I feel bad afterwards?

Only when I'm sobbing into my pillow at night.

Only when I'm alone, hidden away in the dark.

Without her with me.

Within me.

Breathing down the back of my throat.

I feel less and less like myself with every day I spend in her company. It's becoming harder to distinguish my wishes and dreams from hers. She has so much hate in her and I wonder if my dreams are even my own anymore.

My romantic dream...

What romantic dream?

What was it?

Did I ever tell you my romantic dream, Squall?

You told me I was losing it.

That's wrong.

I think you're wrong.

I'm fine.

I'm still me.

I'm still Seifer Almasy, but I'm also her... knight. Am I really her knight?

Of course.

He said I was a lapdog...

I don't know.

Maybe that's why I snuck into his cell, in the dead of night, to check on him. The guards did not question me... why would they? I am the Sorceress'... Knight. I think they fear me... I think I scare them.

I don't blame them. I sometimes scare myself.

He was lying unconscious on the floor of his cell when I arrived, just as he is now.

Squall. My rival. My only equal. Lying, helpless and alone, on the floor of this small, cramped, metal room. It seems wrong somehow. I don't like seeing him like this. I never have. I want to see his eyes lit with fire or hatred or... something. Anything would be better than this. You're better than this, Squall.

I knelt down beside him. He let out a moan, and would have turned onto his back if hadn't put out a hand to stop him. That's when I noticed I was shaking.

I'm still shaking.


I don't know why.

Seeing him like this is too much. Strange... I've seen him hurt before. Hell, I was usually the one who caused it, but this seems... different. So very different from when we exchanged scars or any other time when he was injured because of me.

That's why I decided to help him.

Is that the real reason?

At least I think that's the reason...

I may be a treacherous bastard, but I still...

Where did that come from?

You betrayed no one.

I didn't betray anyone.

Or did I?

I don't know.

All I know is that it hurt me to see him that way.


I don't know why.

I don't understand my feelings towards him. I never have. But, I haven't got the luxury of time to analyze them now. I knelt beside him, shaking him gently until he opened his eyes and blinked up at me sleepily.


"Shh... stay quiet, okay? Just sit up." I growled roughly.

Squall nodded, yawning tiredly and sat up, apparently oblivious to the giant ice lance imbedded in his shoulder. "Seifer... what's going on...?"

I swallowed hard as he placed a hand on my shoulder to steady himself. As if he trusted me.

Why shouldn't he?

I haven't betrayed him.

We both knew it might come to this someday...

We can't choose our enemies.

He's a SeeD.

Or maybe we can...

A hated Seed...


I don't know.

"Just be quiet, eh? I'm gonna try and pull this thing out of ya."

He watched me for a moment, his eyes cloudy and confused, then he nodded in compliance. "...whatever."

I braced one hand against his chest, conjuring a cura spell, and wrapped the other around the ice shard. I gave the shard a sharp tug, pulling it out and casting the cura spell similtaniously. He didn't make a sound, but when it was over he slumped against me, exhausted. His breath came in fast gasps and gulps then and, though he was obviously in pain, he didn't cry out.

"Squall..." I began, my body trembling as I raised a hand to touch his injured back and realized that the ice lance was gone.

Had it ever been there at all?

Was it just a trick of some kind?

Or a test...

"Squall?" I inquired again. He didn't respond, except to continue to lean into my arms. I was holding him against my chest, and he was asleep again. If he'd ever been awake at all.

Maybe I'd just been imagining that too?

I don't know.

But there's no trace of the ice lance... as if it had never been there at all. No hole mars his bomber jacket. No ice lance lay upon the floor of this dank cell. It had been there hadn't it? Hadn't it?

Your feelings for this boy will only lead to pain...

I started as the cold, seductive voice of my sorceress crept into my mind. But I wasn't really surprised by it.

Was she there all along?

Watching me?


I released my hold on Squall, allowing him to fall back gently to the floor as he drew myself to my feet. "I..."

It's no matter. You will do as you are told. You wish to be my knight... don't you? My brave knight...

I think she's laughing, but all I can hear is the roar of her anger in my ears. A deep, black, endless sea of hatred surrounding me, engulfing me. I'm lost. Lost in it's currents. I'm not sure which way is up anymore. All I know is hate.

Hate for what I love.

Hate for what I hate.

Who am I?

Aren't you my knight?

I don't know.

Why am I here?

To serve me.

I don't remember.

Who is this I'm holding in my arms?

A SeeD... A hated SeeD.

But... I don't hate him, do I?

My enemy is your enemy, my precious knight.

He is my enemy.

I... I hate him.


I want him.


You will learn to hate. There is no return to the life you once lived.


I... I love....

There's no such thing.


Speak his name no more.

Who am I?

I am Seifer Almasy, the Sorceress' Knight. I am fullfilling my romantic dream. I feel her laughter stirring in the back of my mind as I leave his cell behind.

Someone once told me I was losing it...

And I think they might be right.



Author's Notes:

Blah. Seifer Inner Monologue. This is what happens when you replay a game like Final Fantasy VIII, I suppose. Anyway, this particular story evolved from two things: the mysterious disappearing wound (I mean, come on now, the guy was impaled by a giant ice cube and it's never explained how that wound mysteriously vanished.) and Squall's comment to Seifer after their battle on the parade float. ^_^

(05-23-01) Just so anyone who's read this story before knows, there haven't really been any major changes to the story itself with this update. A little editing here and there and I've been playing about with the formatting a little.

(01-31-02) Who says I never look back over my stuff? I tweeked a few things, but it's pretty much the same ol', same ol'.

Yes, I'm aware that this entire monologue is littered with confusion. Most of my stories are. Just how my twisted mind works. Hope y'all enjoyed it. (Isn't it amazing that this game is reportedly the most hated game of the series and yet it inspires more fan fiction then almost any other game out there? I personally liked this game, even if it did make me want to bash my head against a table more than once.)

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