Disclaimer: Not mine. Although I do know someone who works for Squaresoft (yah!), but still not mine...Quite sad, really...

Notes: I'm sooo outta the writing groove. Just stay with me, I'll get it right eventually! Eheh... Dang, lots of fics to update. Well, if this part isn't as long as you like, I apologize. Well, on to the story! My wonderful Warning message was composed by my good buddy RantelWolfrider. Steal and die (she said it, not me ^_^()).

Warnings: If you look through my fic/In the words you will find/The plight of a Ton/ Who's losing his mind/The men they are queer/And if you this alarms/Turn right around/
And head back to your farms/Slavery, mentioned/But nothing obscene/In fact, this fic's rated/Mere PG-13/So for those of you who/Would still like to read/Sit back and relax now/(The Tons, please don't feed)

Life in the Thing That Smacks Into Things

Chapter 4 - The Event

By WanderingTonberry

I was wiped. No Tonberry should ever have to sit in front of a sewing machine for that amount of time...My rump hurt. But it was all worth it, I suppose. With my assistance and generous intake of caffeine, the girls and I had finally finished the gang's garb for the Lover's Festival.

I chuckled as I lay in my little bed, listening to Selphie's snores. It was actually quite amazing what kind of volume she could produce...I mean, she was small for a human! But then again...She had the squeezing power of a vise! A power to suffocate I knew all too well...

I rolled over, stuffing my head under my pillow. I should probably sleep a little. Tomorrow was the big day when my carefully planned matchmaking scheme would all fall into place. Not only would the Garden have a new couple AND I could watch Rinoa's reaction. I had always wondered what would happen if she lost Squall to someone. And if that someone just happened to be a man. A male who just happened to be prettier than she was. Oh, this was too good...How was I going to be able to sleep with all this glee waiting for me??

~The Next Day~

Yes indeed...I was really just too good at what I did. I smoothed out the folds on Seifer's toga, making sure everything fit as it should. Not bad at all.

"Hey...I kind of like it. Good job, Squirt." I glared. Bastard. He just grinned.

"Ya, good job!" Zell was cool about this kind of thing. Always said the right thing...Well not always. But he got it right today. I was proud of him, as well as myself. How many times had I mentioned how proud I was??

I turned to Zell. The girls wanted him to be dressed without Seifer in the room. A good idea for more than one reason. First off, we would be able to get to the festival on time. Otherwise, we'd have the two lovers' endless sex drive to thank for us being late. Besides, wouldn't it be all that more satisfying for the big guy if he got to purchase Zell while seeing him displayed on stage? Of course it would. Don't fight with me on this one.

As Selphie dragged the hyperactive blonde off to her room to get him dressed, I followed Irvine to Nida's. Time to dress him up for love! I scampered faster down the hall, eager to get things underway. I had spent one too many hours last night staring at the ceiling and listening to Mt. Tilmitt rumble all night long.

Nida opened the door with a smile. "What are you guys doing here?" So na´ve he was...Wahaha! He hadn't the faintest idea that today was going to be his day! The day he finally got a decent shot at Ice Man Leonhart without the bothersome Ms. Clingy guarding what she thought belonged to her.

"We're here ta dress ya up. Wouldn't have guessed it, now wouldja?" Irvine grinned. You gotta have loved his sense of humor. The guy was classic!

Nida's eyes grew slightly. "What do you mean? I...What's going on??" I waved my paw and pushed past him and into his room. I pulled the toga I had made for him free from the bag. I sighed. It was truly a work of art. All the precision stitching...The careful selection of fabric and design...The many times I had stabbed myself with the sewing pins...The flood of cursing that followed...Ah, such sweet memories. Well, down to business!

"The little guy down by yer desk made ya something to wear for the big event. Now just save us some agony and strip." So to the point he was! I couldn't have stated it better myself.

Nida complied meekly, putting on the garment with little complaining. Sort of submissive actually...I started getting ideas in my head. Not exactly a good thing when you associate two beautiful young men...Well, at least they complimented each other. One never really knew what Squall Leonhart really was. He was just kind of...mysterious...and... "there". Sort of like the commanding presence floating somewhere in the air. He was neat like that.

"It's a little...um...long." Crud. I had misjudged his height! I swear, things like this were always so difficult when you were only 3 feet high. Everyone just seems so tall, it's hard to judge their actual height!

Well, no problem a little alteration couldn't fix! I pulled out a pair of sewing shears from the sleeve of my robe, cutting the material, than quickly sewing it by hand neatly. There. What?? I don't always carry these kinds of things with me! It's just for the occasion! I wouldn't have anything going wrong today! No way, no how!

Nida looked at his reflection in the mirror, a look of wonderment on his face. It occurred to me that he probably hadn't thought he would have looked this good.

"W-wow..." I nodded in satisfaction. I signaled to Irvine and he tipped his hat.

"We have a festival to be at. Come on."

"You're not selling me to the auction, are you...?"

"Nope. You've been paid for in advance."

Wow. He actually fainted. No matter, this would work out for the better. Our favorite pseudo cowboy hefted him over his shoulder and walked out of the room, heading for the Quad. I grinned. Oh yes.

Places! And...Lights!

"Hey, Everyone! I just want to welcome you all to Balamb Garden's first Lover's Festival!!! Remember, no actual sexual play in here, it's still the Garden! But feel free to let your wild side roam back in the dorms! Well, I'd like to start off by informing you all that the Slave Auction will be opening within a few minutes. I hope you've all saved up your gil, because the more beautiful the body, the more he/she will cost! Have fun!!!"

There was a tremendous roar of appreciation from the crowd. Yup, only Selphie could cause such a reaction. Saying such bizarre things and still making it sound perfectly normal. Hell, she was Selphie. I guess that explained it all.

I watched from my perch next to a large potted plant of ivy. I was lucky it wasn't the poisonous kind, or I'd be itching out of my robe in seconds. I was on look out duty. I had somehow convinced everyone (minus Squall, mind you. He didn't know yet) on getting Squall and Nida together. I had a pair of binoculars and a walkie-talkie in hand. I was on Wench Watch. No chance like a snowball's life span in Ifrit's hand would I let her ruin this!

I turned my attention to the stage to watch the auction unfold. It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't reviewed the list of the participants...Oh boy, this could be scary...

Selphie strode back onstage in her short toga, one that resembled her usual jumper dress to a scary extent. She stood along side Irvine. I guess he was going to auction the slaves off...I really should have read that pamphlet...

"Let the bidding begin! Our first prize on the block is a gorgeous young lady looking for love. Her hobbies include writing short novels and working in our very own library! Give it up for Tina, the Library Girl!! Now, who will give me 100 gil for this smart young filly?"

I shook my head. Only Irvine would compare women to horses. Then again, I always had liked horses. They were so friendly, if not a bit stupid. So much nicer than camels. Not only did camels smell bad, they spat. Some loser once told me that getting spat on was lucky. My tail.

"Sold for 500 gil to the lucky...um...Person in the purple sheet!" Apparently I wasn't the only one who got confused with the gender of humans. It's was really hard to tell now days.

"Next, we have a familiar tattooed face in the auction tonight. In his free time, he likes to practice his martial arts and play video games. Everyone has seen him bouncing in the hallways, or stuffing himself with hotdogs in the Cafeteria...Give it up for Zell Dincht~!"

And the crowd went wild. You wouldn't have believed me unless you were there! The bids for the spunky blonde just kept climbing with Seifer in the lead. I stretched. I hoped this wouldn't take too much longer...I wanted the festival to go on already. After all, how much gil could these students have to bid??

"And wouldn't you know it, folks? Sold to Seifer Almasy for 50,000 gil! Geez, wasn't it obvious who'd take this one?" The crowd laughed and Seifer gave him the finger. Selphie led Zell off the stage and handed his leash to a very feral looking Seifer. Oh, Great Ton...

The rest of the auction continued in a similar manner. Irvine introduced the slave, bids were taken, and then Selphie handed the poor person's leash to its rightful owner. Yes, everything was pretty much going the way I had expected. Then it happened. Something that brought a shock to the entire crowd...

"Last but not least, we have our final slave for the evening. He spends his time mentoring to the students and playing chess! He also owns about 20 of those "Mr. Rogers" sweaters! I'd like you all to give it up for Headmaster Cid!" And there he was... Walking out onto the platform in his toga. I covered my orche eyes with my paws... Needles on a Cactaur! That was something I never wanted to see in my life ever again.

The shock that rippled through the mass of students was incredible. First there was silence, which was soon followed my sharp gasps of amazement. Then they cheered. Another tremendous roar from the crowd. Lucky for us though, Edea was the one to claim our husband. Also lucky for us, she was the only one who bid. I honestly don't know if I could have handled seeing one of the students buy him for cuddle time...That was just wrong. Just very, very, wrong.

"I have one final announcement, everyone." The crowd quieted and focused their attention on Irvine. "We do have one other slave here tonight, but he's special. He has been bought in advance for a very lucky person out in the audience."

I laughed silently to myself as a rush of murmuring went through the crowd. "Who could it be? Who's getting this supposed treasure?" All the questions fell along that line of thinking. Oh, the moment was near! I could almost taste it! Wait...Never mind. That was the pack of Twinkies from lunch.

"I'm sure you're all wondering who the slave is and who he's going to belong to for tonight, so we won't make you wait any longer. Selphie, our gem of the auction?"

Selphie smiled widely and took the mic. "Squall Leonhart, get your groove on because we have purchased you a slave of your very own!"

Oh the look of horror on his face was priceless. He couldn't believe we had done this for him. The gathering of students and instructors went into an orchestra of laughter, loving his reaction. Now, the real shocker hadn't even happened yet. I would bet my lantern that almost everyone thought Squall's slave would be Rinoa. Little did they know we had duct taped her to her bed last night while she slept.

"...You've got to be kidding me..." Yup, he was horrified all right.

"You don't even know who we purchased for you yet, silly! Don't judged till you have a test ride!" Oh, that did it. He was blushing quite furiously now. But not nearly as much as Nida who was being led to Squall's couch by leash. Selphie placed the leash in Squall's hand and grinned.

"...H-hi...Squall..." Poor Nida. He looked like he was going to die from sheer terror or joy. It was exceedingly hard to tell. I hoped it was the later. This had all been so hard to arrange!

Nida kneeled awkwardly at Squall's side, a soft smile on his lips. Although he was still blushing quite furiously, he seemed a bit soothed when Squall returned his smile. Yes, perhaps this would work out for the best.

"Well, with that all said and done, let's give our commander and our Garden pilot a hand!!" The masses applauded, once again embarrassing them indefinitely. Yes, this was too good.

After the applause died down, the festival actually began. Slaves pampered their masters, and the masters basked in the glory of being worshiped. Nida and Squall were off to a good start. Nida was feeding him grapes and murmuring soft praises of his master's beauty. That's when she showed up to ruin my plans. Grr. How I hated that woman.

I switched on my walkie-talkie, calling for Irvine. I muttered, trying to find him in the room filled to the brim with silk decorations, plants, couches, and cooing humans. Ah, there he was. He pressed his earpiece further into his ear to hear my warning. He nodded and moved to intercept the evil wench...And he wasn't fast enough.

I hopped down from my scenic perch and made my way through the crowd. I actually made it fairly close without too much trouble. Although I had slipped in a puddle of wine along the way... Maybe I should call someone to mop that up...

"Squaaaall!!! What's Nida doing here? You and I were supposed to snuggle! I would have made it here sooner, but someone taped me to my bed. I almost thought nobody wanted me to come! Isn't that silly??"

She tugged on her impossibly short, low-cut outfit. Well, I was kind of hoping she'd have worn that sheet I had left her. Plans don't work out perfectly, now do they?

Nida looked disappointed and quite embarrassed. Squall? He looked downright annoyed. Anyone who was paying attention could feel the tension in the air. Some actually paused in their loving attentions to watch the scene unfold.

"What are you still doing here?" She waved a manicured hand in Nida's direction. "Go. You're going to get in the way. Squall and I have some cuddling to do!"

Nida nodded slowly, willing to leave if Squall so desired. That's about when the Icy Commander dragged Nida up onto the couch and gave him one of the spine-melting kisses. With tongue! I didn't expect any less. If Squall could be described as anything aside from Anti-social, or Stoic, or Silent, or...Nevermind. He could be described as thorough! Made sense, didn't it? Of course it did.

The evil wench dressed in enough fabric to make a hankie stood with her eyes wide and mouth open. It didn't look very becoming of her. I clicked my tongue softly is disapproval. Before she could burst into her typical bout of tears and whining Irvine and Raijin hefted her by her twiggy arms and tossed her out of the Quad. I grinned. Life was as sweet as a pack of cupcakes.

I'm sure Seifer would have loved to be a part of that whole scene, but he seemed just a little bit too engrossed in coaxing pleasing sounds from his slave. I rolled my eyes, turning away as one of Seifer's hands disappeared underneath Zell's skimpy attire. Looked like they'd be busy the rest of the night.

Well, it appeared my latest quest had come to a satisfying completion. Nida and Squall were exploring each other quietly...Seifer and Zell were...Well, they were being Seifer and Zell. Quistis and Xu were snuggled up, talking to each other in the corner alongside a passed out Irvine. He must have indulged in the wine after tossing out that horrific creature in frosty pink lip gloss out. Selphie was playing games with some of the more coherent couples...and me? I was going to retire for the evening. I had my share of excitement to last me for a day or two.

As I was leaving to return to Selphie's room, I made sure to step on Rinoa. Yes...Life was really pretty good in the thing that smacked into things.





Yup, It's finally done! Comments? Wanna see a sequel? Wanna smack me for having sucha bizarre sense of humor? Let me know! Thanks for reading! Jaa!

Return to Archive | previous