Letting Go of You
Chapter 1 - Weeping for What's Lost
By Kursed SeeD
"I'm so tired of being here
Supressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone."
-- Evanescence "My Immortal"
For the first time in my life, I wish I had the ability to see into the future. Not so that I could see how my life would turn out, I don't really care about that anymore, but because that way I would of known. I would of known what was coming, that I wouldn't have him for long. I would of washed away my childish fear of getting hurt and just *told* him how I felt.
But, unfortunately, I'm not a fortune teller. I didn't know, so I never got to say those three little words that I know he had been dying to hear from me.... three little words I had been dying to tell him....
"I love you."
Sometimes I wake up at night, sobbing hysterically. I have nightmares where he is wandering in the dark, all alone, not knowing that someone cares. Oh, Hyne... how I wish I could just go back in time, just for *ten* seconds... I don't want him to be scared or lonely. I want him to rest easily knowing that I would give my life just to have him back for an instant.
But, Selphie keeps telling me, "There's no use dwelling in the past, Squall. I know you loved him, but you *have* to let him go."
So that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to let him go...
I walk up to his grave and sit on the grass, gently carassing the smooth marble with my fingers. I keep my eyes closed, I know the inscription by heart.
An Angel Taken Away Too Soon"
It sounds corny, I know.... but that's the truth.... he was an angel, *my* angel.... and he left before I could even tell him....
"Hi... Seifer...." I say quietly, opening my eyes and focusing on the tombstone. "I guess you know why I'm here...."
Maybe I should feel silly for talking as if he could actually hear me, but I don't. I know in my heart he can.
"Sorry I haven't come to see you more often...." my voice trails off. It's been over two years since I've been here. It's just too painful, like a quick blow to reality. I much prefer living in denial, thinking that at *any* moment, he'll come walking through my door, his usual smirk in place.
"They say I'm supposed to let you go now.... that I should move on in my life.... I keep wanting to ask them exactly how I do that.... I want to look at Selphie and ask her if she could ever just 'move on' if Irvine died... Or ask Quistis if she could just 'get on with life' if Nida suddenly left.... but you know me, it's all inner dialouge.... I don't say much of anything...."
I shiver slightly. I should of brought my jacket with me, it's getting chilly out. I'm sure I'll get a lecture from Quistis when I return to Balamb-G about it. "So... uh..." I clear my throat, trying to will myself not to cry, "You know Selphie and Irvine are expecting their first child in December? They're hoping for a little girl, but everyone keeps teasing them and telling them they're gonna have twin boys...." I'm trying to avoid the reason I came... I don't *want* to let him go... "And Quistis and Nida... they're doing real good... ah, hell, Seifer..." my voice cracks. Doesn't look like my willpower is enough this time. The tears flood my eyes, blurring my vision. "Why'd you have to leave me? Why couldn't you of just stayed here with me, instead of going out on that mission?"
I know why he had left. It was *my* fault....
"I love you, Squall...." Seifer said quietly, wrapping his arms around the younger brunette.
Squall said nothing, but Seifer felt him tense up against him.
"Did I say something wrong?" he asked, gently turning Squall's face towards his. Looks into his eyes, to see what Squall is feeling, thinking.
Complete and utter fear.
Seifer can feel his heart break as he gazes into his lovers eyes. Squall is afraid of him. Afraid of his love for him. It's unwanted, of course. Of course it's unwanted. Who in their right fucking mind would want Seifer Almasy to love them?
"Excuse me...." Seifer mutters, quickly walking backwards, searching for the door knob.
".....S....seifer?" Squall mumbles, as the blonde races out of the room.
The next time Squall sees Seifer, it's as he gets aboard the train to take him to Galbadia.
I blink as the memory seeps over me. I had had a *second* chance to tell him that I loved him at the train station, hell, I had come there *planning* on telling him that I loved him, but as always, at the last minute I chickened out. Froze up. So, Seifer went on his mission. Hurt and alone.
A week later, I got a visit from a red-eyed Quistis. Falling into my arms and sobbing, she told me something had went wrong on the mission. Just an ordinary mission, trying to clear out some monsters from the Lunar Cry.... But, somehow, Seifer, *my* dearest Seifer, was dead.
I'm supposed to let him go, but I've been rambling and then been lost in my own little world. I completely forgot my purpose out here. Not that I mind, though.
"Well, Seifer.... I guess I should go now.... I don't think I can move on in my life, like everyone wants me to, but maybe one day I can wake up without hurting *so* damn much.... that's all I can really hope for, that someday the pain will just go away...." I stare wistfully at the grave, hoping in the back of my mind he'll just pop up behind me and say, "Ha! Fooled you, puberty boy! That's what you get for being afraid of your feelings!" but I know that won't happen.
I reach around my neck and unclasp my necklace, laying it on top of his grave. "Just.... one more thing before I go... I love you, Seifer Almasy... I always have and I always will... I'm sorry I didn't tell you when I had the chance... I was just afraid... I know now that I shouldn't of been.... Just, please.... whereever you are, please know that I'm always with you...."
I get up, brush off my pants, and walk away, forcing myself not to look back, not to throw myself on his grave and just stand there.
I've got a long day ahead of me, but I feel better know, believing in my heart that somewhere out there, he heard me. He knows.
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