Author's Note: Standard disclaimerÖyadda yaddaÖ Just a few of Seiferís thoughts on the subject of his lover. My Seifer was feeling sappyÖhence this startling display of drivel. Just wait til he starts mooning over ZellÖitís positively embarrassing.
Squall. Squall Leonhart. The name rolls off my tongue as though I were born knowing it. And sometimes I think that maybe I was because I canít remember a time when I didnít know him. True, my memory isnít the best, but every now and again I get the sweetest rush and suddenly some distant memory will resurface. Itís always of him.
He occupies a corner of my mind that no one else has ever been able to touch before, and in so doing, has insinuated himself right into my heart. Poetic, huh? Donít get used to it. Most of what I feel for him can be summed up in one word. Lust. But itís afterwards, when heís curled against me, trusting and exhausted that I begin to doubt my own nature. How much of a bad ass can I really be when I have my best friend and worst enemy stretched out beside me, naked and practically purring?
Itís humbling, to say the least, but what can I do? I canít remember the day I knew I loved him, hells, I canít remember a day when I didnít. And for the record, no, I didnít write his name in sweet little swirls and curly cues on my notebooks.
We fight; weíve always fought. Loving him and having him love me in return hasnít lessened that even marginally. But at least now we understand where it all comes from. Itís passion, plain and simple. Love and hate colliding. There is rarely a middle ground with us. Which is why we work so hard to hide what we feel. If we didnít, there would probably be some sort of sensory overload. And just between you and me, I donít think anyone knows. Oh, Iím sure they have their suspicions, but no one would dare ask the Lion of Balamb if he spends every night (and some of the days, too) flat on his back with his legs draped over a certain ex-Knightís shoulders.
Let me tell you why I could love Squall when I couldnít love anyone else. When we met over our blades that very first time after Iíd joined Ultemicia, his eyes met mine for the briefest of seconds. And I saw regret. And despair. And something that I hadnít recognized at the time but knew it for what it was the first time he shed his clothes and wrapped his long legs around me. It was need. We need each other; we keep each other going. Squall brings out the good in me while I allow him to explore the darkness within himself. So even though it sounds like a perfect trade, itís not. Iím definitely getting the sweeter end of the deal.
I tried to turn my feelings off. I really did. Rinoa? Perfect example. I thought she was probably the most beautiful girl Iíd ever seen, well, with the exception of a certain Instructor I used to have. The point Iím trying to make is that she never moved me. Not the way a pretty girl should. Iíd get more excited watching Squall eat than I ever could watching Rinoa do anything. Thatís how I realized that my every desire was trapped inside that sweet little leather package. All wrapped up with those sleazy rentboy belts.
I told myself that after Iíd had him a few times, Iíd get tired of him, the novelty would wear off, and Iíd be free of this unexplainable need, having taken the edge off. But I am, as it turns out, a lying bastard, and I knew damned well that a million times would never be enough. Yeah, Iím greedy, so what? At least I know my own weakness, hells, Iím sleeping with it.
Like I said before, my memoryís not the best, and there are pitfalls in my mind that immeasurable gaps of time have fallen into, but I remember, so clearly, standing atop that float in the Sorceressí Parade, that feeling of immeasurable power coursing through my veins. That infinite superiority that was always such an addiction for me; that was what I was after. Being admired, revered, that was always my goal. And after all this time, and all the destruction I have helped to further, I can admit without the slightest hesitation, that it is my weakness and not my power that has made me invincible.
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