Invincible
By pixie518
Author's Note: Standard disclaimer…yadda yadda… Just a few of Seifer’s thoughts on the subject of his lover. My Seifer was feeling sappy…hence this startling display of drivel. Just wait til he starts mooning over Zell…it’s positively embarrassing.
Invincible
By pixie518
Squall. Squall Leonhart. The name rolls off my tongue as though I were born knowing it. And sometimes I think that maybe I was because I can’t remember a time when I didn’t know him. True, my memory isn’t the best, but every now and again I get the sweetest rush and suddenly some distant memory will resurface. It’s always of him.
He occupies a corner of my mind that no one else has ever been able to touch before, and in so doing, has insinuated himself right into my heart. Poetic, huh? Don’t get used to it. Most of what I feel for him can be summed up in one word. Lust. But it’s afterwards, when he’s curled against me, trusting and exhausted that I begin to doubt my own nature. How much of a bad ass can I really be when I have my best friend and worst enemy stretched out beside me, naked and practically purring?
It’s humbling, to say the least, but what can I do? I can’t remember the day I knew I loved him, hells, I can’t remember a day when I didn’t. And for the record, no, I didn’t write his name in sweet little swirls and curly cues on my notebooks.
We fight; we’ve always fought. Loving him and having him love me in return hasn’t lessened that even marginally. But at least now we understand where it all comes from. It’s passion, plain and simple. Love and hate colliding. There is rarely a middle ground with us. Which is why we work so hard to hide what we feel. If we didn’t, there would probably be some sort of sensory overload. And just between you and me, I don’t think anyone knows. Oh, I’m sure they have their suspicions, but no one would dare ask the Lion of Balamb if he spends every night (and some of the days, too) flat on his back with his legs draped over a certain ex-Knight’s shoulders.
Let me tell you why I could love Squall when I couldn’t love anyone else. When we met over our blades that very first time after I’d joined Ultemicia, his eyes met mine for the briefest of seconds. And I saw regret. And despair. And something that I hadn’t recognized at the time but knew it for what it was the first time he shed his clothes and wrapped his long legs around me. It was need. We need each other; we keep each other going. Squall brings out the good in me while I allow him to explore the darkness within himself. So even though it sounds like a perfect trade, it’s not. I’m definitely getting the sweeter end of the deal.
I tried to turn my feelings off. I really did. Rinoa? Perfect example. I thought she was probably the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen, well, with the exception of a certain Instructor I used to have. The point I’m trying to make is that she never moved me. Not the way a pretty girl should. I’d get more excited watching Squall eat than I ever could watching Rinoa do anything. That’s how I realized that my every desire was trapped inside that sweet little leather package. All wrapped up with those sleazy rentboy belts.
I told myself that after I’d had him a few times, I’d get tired of him, the novelty would wear off, and I’d be free of this unexplainable need, having taken the edge off. But I am, as it turns out, a lying bastard, and I knew damned well that a million times would never be enough. Yeah, I’m greedy, so what? At least I know my own weakness, hells, I’m sleeping with it.
Like I said before, my memory’s not the best, and there are pitfalls in my mind that immeasurable gaps of time have fallen into, but I remember, so clearly, standing atop that float in the Sorceress’ Parade, that feeling of immeasurable power coursing through my veins. That infinite superiority that was always such an addiction for me; that was what I was after. Being admired, revered, that was always my goal. And after all this time, and all the destruction I have helped to further, I can admit without the slightest hesitation, that it is my weakness and not my power that has made me invincible.