Infernal Monologue

By Lady Yuskreven

Have you ever felt out of place?

Like something put there with no use?

Worthless?

Useless?

Have you ever felt so insecure?

You want to disappearÖ

You feel so bad with yourself but you donít know how to put it in wordsÖ

So many things you want to say

So many things you want to doÖ

Youíd like someone near you

But youíre afraid of people

Youíre afraid to ask

Even the ones you love the most.

Because you donít want to bother them

Because you feel like a burden for them

And you want to disappearÖ

So you only talk to yourself

Leaving your friends in peace

Why annoying them with your fucking problems?

You want to be strong, but youíre nothing

Youíd like to courageous, but youíre only a coward

You canít see the truth because you think itís wrong

You want to see you as the worst

Because the best canít be true.

So you hide yourself behind a mask

And youíre so pathetic.

 

* bip *

* bip*

 

Fucking alarm.

 

What time is it?

 

8:00amÖ

Another great day in the great Balamb GardenÖ

 

Attracted by the sound of the rain on the windows, he slowly lift himself from the big but empty bed, and opened the curtains to see an unwelcoming gray sky pouring tons of water on the land.

Even the sky doesnít like meÖ

Come on.

You have to act again as the great Commander and Headmaster of Balamb-G, the hero of the Second Sorceress war.

Even if you donít deserve itÖ

 

With that, he dressed himself with his usual leather pants and white shirt. Then went out of his room to go directly in his office.

Another useless day. And all youíll have to do is to open letters, read reports on missions, write back and play the role of a hero. A fucking annoying job.

Why things have to be like that?

 

Squall begun his usual duty without paying attention at the world around him, throwing papers now here and now there, reading letters, and going on . He was so accustomed to it that he was working more like a robot by then. When the war ended, Cid decided to retire and give all the work to Squall. It was 6 months now. A lot of things have changed though. They have restored the Garden, and made some modifications.

As he was looking for a pen, Squall realized there was something sharp near his neck.

"You know, Leonhart, you should be more attentiveÖ."

"Fuck off Almasy. What do you want *this* time?"

There was something that Squall found even more annoying than his alarm clock. To be welcomed in his office y the former sorceress knight. In fact, the only way heíd like to see him would be with gag and handcuffs... Chains shouldnít be too much either...

"Nothing. Just came here cause i couldnít bear the others anymore. Man. Since i came back, theyíre stick on me every day.How the hell do they expect me to become a SeeD if i canít work on my exams?"

"Because you need to work on it? I though you failled it so often you knew every bit of it by now...

"I know it! Itís just... Hell. I feel a bit nervous about it. You know that if i donít succeed this time... Youíll kick me out!!"

"So what? Wonít it be marvellous? Free again."

"Free of what? You know I wonít be able to leave by my own anymore. Everybody wants me dead!!!"

"Whatever."

Squall figured out that Seifer would leave if he didnít pay attention to him anymore.

One Day youíll be alone.

Thatís what you want.

But thatís what youíre afraid of.

Will You Finally Take Your Life In Hand?!?

 

After awhile, Squall looked up to see that Seifer was still standing in front of him.

"What do you want, Almasy?"

It seemed that Seifer was in an other reality because he jumped at the voice.

"Huh... You see... Uhmmm...Oh Damn. Listen. Can i stay in your office to work on my course again? It wonít take any of your time and i wonít disturb you at all. You wonít even see me... Please?"

Seifer Almasy begging in front of Squall. That was a First...

"Okay. But i donít want to heard a word coming out from your mouth."

"Thanks Leonhart. You know, youíre not that selfish..."

"Whatever."

The former knigth went in a corner of the room and sit down, putting all his books around him. He begun redaing them and taking notes, without saying anything, leaving Squall at his papers.

People thinks youíre an alien

And you think it too.

Continue like that youíll never be happy.

But -oh stupid you are- Youíre even afraid of happiness.

" Leonhart?"

"What do you want again, Almasy?"

"Just wanted to know if you were okay. You seem pissed off of something..."

"Iím okay."

You want the people you love to be happy.

So you want to disappear from their life...

So they wonít have the burden you are anymore...

"Are you sure?"

"Werenít you supposed to shut your mouth, Almasy?"

Coward. Thatís all you are. Why do you expect people to like you? Youíre always making a fool of yourself, always acting like a cold, an heartless bastard...

You have some knowledge but you donít have any brain!

"You know you should tell somebody if there something wrong..."

"Will you shut up, Almasy!?"

"I just..."

"'You just' nothing! So now leave me the hell alone or iíll kick your ass out!"

"... ĎKay.."

Youíre really pathetic... Keep going. Youíll never be happy.

People want to help you but you flee away Ďcause youíre afraid to hurt them. Youíre nothing but a poor miserable scarried little child who want to hide himself from the world.

Youíre stupid.

Youíre even afraid of yourself.

You want to be alone but you donít stand yourself.

How in hell other people could stand you?

"Squall?"

 

"WHAT?!"

Seifer was standing next to him, his face so close Squall could fell his breath on his face.

"Tell me whatís going wrong"

 

"Thereís nothing wrong. Stop assuming things which donít exist."

You know the truth but you canít change.

 

"Stop lying. Somethingís giong wrong in your litlle brain. Tell me what it is."

You donít to talk about yourself because you think itís worthless and stupid.

 

"Oh... Who do you think you are? A psy? Or maybe you can read in my thoughs..."

"No... But i want to know why youíre crying..."

Seifer put his hand on the brunetteís face and wiped all the tears away. He wanted to add something but Squall was no longer near him. He got out of the office running to his dorm as quickly as he could, Seifer running after him and all the students looking at them.

Finally he reached it and closed the door. What to do now? His body was shaking, he couldnít think straigh.

You donít want to talk about yourself because you think itís stupid.

And then you feel stupid.

You get scarred and you began crying.

Youíre really stupid.

 

Seifer was calling him, knocking on the door, trying to open it. But Squall couldnít move, couldnít say anything. He could hear the voice of his friends behind it. What to do? He couldnít stay there... He couldnít breath... The bathroom. It was the fartest room from the door. It was the only place he could go.

Once in it, he slammed the door shut and closed it with what he could.

Will you ever take off your mask?

 

"No... I... I canít ... I... I... Just canít...I... Just want to be alone... To disappear... Just..."

Coward

"Stop calling me that!! I already know what I am. A stupid coward."

So much thing you should do...

So much things you should say...

 

"how could I? Heís happy... He wonít be happy with me... Iím nothing but a burden..."

Stupid... You donít really love him

 

"I love him! Heís the only one! But i canít! Heís with Quistis now! What can I do? Kiss him? Tell him the truth? Heíll laugh at me, or get afraid of me and then heíll leave... And I wonít see him anymore... And what about Quistis? They are happy together... I canít... I donít want to hurt them... I shouldnít... Stay here... I should leave... And leave them the fuck alone... So theyíll be... Happy..."

What are you gonna do? Kill yourself? Youíll hurt them if you do so...

"Shut up and leave me alone!!!!!!"

Seifer finally managed to break the dormís door. Squall wasnít in the living room, nor in his bedroom. There was only one room left. He knock on the door but got no answer. The door was closed. Seifer then realized that the carpet was wet... But it wasnít water.

The brigth blue had become crimson red.

With no second though, he broke the door with Hyperionís help.

Squall was lying on the floor, lifeless. Next to his bloodstained hand was something written.

'Sorry'

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