DISCLAIMER: The characters aren't mine, they belong to Squaresoft (I can only wish they were mine) I ain't makin' one red cent, or any other cent of any color, I'm as poor as a church mouse (hey who came up with that sayin' anyways…I mean how can you tell if a mouse that lives in a church is as poor as say a mouse livin' in an apartment building?) Please don't sue, cuz all ya'll get is my kids' broken toys and dirty laundry, and I do mean clothes, this ain't the mafia!!! Ya I know my grammar needs major help…if some English instructor was reading this, they would probably faint dead away…please excuse my lapses in grammar. *grin*

Warnings: : Language, sexual content, and anything else my wicked little mind can think up.


Chapter 1

By LaughingWolfGirl

He sat there, at the back of the bar, just watching life go by. No one seemed to know who he was, but in this particular bar, it this part of town, no one really cared. Everyone had their secrets here and no one wanted to have theirs exposed, so no, no one would bother the stranger, until he chose to be bothered.

Look at all the people going about their lives, how he hated humanity, but when it came down to it, his hate for himself consumed him more. Sweet Hyne, when would it all end, when would the world forgive, obviously it had forgiven the Matron, she had gone back to Garden with her husband and from there to her orphanage, but when it came to him, no one was willing to remember that he too had been controlled by Ultimecia, like both Rinoa and Edea. They had gone through the same thing that he had, but because he had been in the forefront, he took the most blame, and on some level he understood there would be no forgiveness, he could not forgive himself, for though he had been controlled, a part of himself had reveled in the power he had been given, that part of him had enjoyed the chaos that he had produced, the thrill of it all. But the other part of his soul had withered and become horrified by what he was doing. Hyne on the pyre, he had made war on children, crashing the Galbadian Garden into Balamb's Garden and ordering that battle. The soldiers under his command, they had been grown men and women, but the cadets in Balamb, they had mostly been children still, so much death, all laid at his door; where it rightly belonged.

All for his damn dream, his stupid romantic dream. Only now, after all was said and done, while the world reviled him, did he understand what he was truly looking for, what he wanted, had always wanted. By becoming a Sorceress's Knight, he thought she would love and accept him, with all his faults, he thought she would finally be the one. He remembered the summer with Rinoa, he had come close to allowing her a full view of who he was, all that he felt, needed, but something inside wouldn't allow him to open, which turned out to be right. He and Rinoa were no where near compatible and on some level, his subconscious knew this. But with Edea, he thought that finally it was his time, now here would be the love he so craved, the hunger that gnawed at his soul. His acceptance, with all his faults, and all his strengths.

Now that everything was gone, did he see how wrong he was, and how now he could never have that love and acceptance. His soul would forever hunger, need, want, and never have. He continued to nurse his drink and watch the world go by without him.

Watching the others sitting around the table in the cafeteria, he couldn't believe no one else couldn't see it, the relationship building, the little looks, the accidental touches. Irvine couldn't believe someone as smart as Quistis, or as quick as Selphie, couldn't see it. He didn't expect Rinoa to see it, if it didn't concern her directly, she was oblivious. But if she didn't pay attention, pretty soon her little castle in the clouds would crash to earth. Watching Squall and Zell begin to realize, what he had known all along, their feelings for one another made him lonely he found. Everyone assumed that since he flirted outrageously with women that he was a playboy and that since he was always with Selphie that they were an item. But the truth of the matter was that he liked both men and women, always had. When he first met Selphie, there was that instant attraction, but he realized that it was more of a brother-sister type of friendship and he liked it that way. He adored the petite ball of energy and would kill anyone who hurt her. But he was not romantically inclined towards her, it was still fun to flirt and play though.

Still, he was getting very lonely watching the people pair up, with no one for himself. He didn't think that he was that hard to love, of course people tended to see just his outer shell, the flirt. No one really bothered to see beneath his exterior. To see him, even his closest friends, here sitting with him, didn't see his loneliness, his deeper self. No one knew what a dreamer he was, how much he wanted to be with just one person, to be loved body and soul. To be accepted for all of him, not just the parts they liked. Sure women and even some men had hit on him, and he had given in to a few, but after when it was over, and the other person was gone. The loneliness grew, the sex became meaningless, just a quick fix for an unfixable problem. While in the middle of sex, he could forget himself and pretend that this person was the one, but once over; the picture faded fast.

He heaved a deep sigh, to which no one but Selphie noticed. Leaning over towards the gorgeous cowboy, she whispered, "Irvy are you alright?"

"Sure darlin', now why wouldn't I be, I'm sittin' here with a beautiful girl whose leanin' over real close to me," he said while putting on his happy go lucky grin.

"You're not fooling me cowboy, but we'll talk about this later." Selphie said with a determined look on her face.

"You got it sweets, whenever you want me, I'll come on over," he said with a leer.

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