Squaresoft owns Seifer, Squall, and Rinoa which I think is terrible… shouldn’t slavery be against the law? I am letting them run free, free being the operative word here as I am making no money at this.

Yaoi, of course, and hints of het. Not too lemony. All pointless fluff and drivel.

Happily Ever After

Chapter Two - The Rinoa Fiasco

By Race Ulfson

I was lying naked and prone sideways across the bed. I rested my head on my lover’s thigh, idly fluffing the red gold curls found there.

My lover, who was reading a book, ignored me.

I leaned over and gently nibble kissed along my lover’s shaft. It grew in appreciation.

My lover, however, bonked me on the side of the head with the book. “Stop that,” Seifer said.

“Just trying to help.” I made a show of rubbing my head although I wasn’t hurt in the slightest. “People learn better when they’re relaxed.”

“People remember things best in the same state of mind they were in when they learned them. You’re not going to like it if I hire my staff based on cocksucking abilities.”

Did the subject change when I wasn’t paying attention? I gave him my best blank look.

Seifer continued, pretending to talk to someone. “Well, Ms. Jerril, it seems your condition is… er..” Seifer mimed pushing a button. “Reno! Get in here and under the desk!”

He smiled at the nonexistent client, an expression that turned to surprise when I joined the scene by playing ‘Reno’. “MMmmm… er… yes… “ He gasped. “It appears, Ms. Jerril, that you have a broken arm…”

“Could be fun,” I said.

“Not jealous?”

“I could quit my day job.”

Seifer pulled me up so he could hug me, not letting me get too distracting. “Oh, no, I need you for the night shift.”

I gave him my best pretty pout and Seifer gave in and kissed me until I was breathless.

Then he reached for his book.

“Haven’t you studied enough?” I swear I was not pouting for real.

Seifer sighed and gave me the ‘you’ve missed the point’ look. “I only have three days to finish up the semester, take my finals, and get out. Two days, now.”

Seifer was stressing over the entrance exams. I knew he was afraid of failing, but I also knew Esthar was drooling to get someone with his practical experience and scholastic history. And Seifer never failed written exams.

“I know, that’s why I sent you here, to the Hotel, so you could study all damn day while I packed your apartment. I couldn't get a thing done with you under foot.”

“You couldn't get anything done? You sent Selphie to guard me!”

The Galbadians are pretending that Seifer is the most wicked person to appear in their fair land since Edea dropped her cleavage. Never mind the fact that he’s been here all along, saving lives. They wanted a 24-hour SeeD guard on him and I elected Selphie for today. I did feel a bit guilty about that, because Selphie is a pain in the ass on her best days. And lately… Better him than me, I was the one doing all the work.

I tried not to look sheepish. “Yeah, well, she’s driving me nuts. Apparently women go insane when they’re pregnant, and I think it’s catching, because Irvine was almost as bad.”  I rolled over on my back. “You have a lot of stuff.”

“Disposable income.” Seifer reached for his books.

“No sales resistance. When we get to Esthar, I’m doing the shopping.” He had a waffle maker, a crepe maker and an omelet pan for Hyne’s sakes. This is a man who only has coffee for breakfast 99% of the time. This is a man who needs to be kept away from infomercials.

“You’ve never been shopping in your life!”

“Untrue. Remember I dated Rinoa for 18 months.”

Seifer considered this. “Okay, shoes. I’ll give you shoe shopping.”

I rolled my eyes. “Thanks… I do know the exact location and business hours of every shop that carries a woman’s 6 ½ wide on the Galbadian continent.”

“And when we need shoes, you can shop. If I can get my big feet in a woman’s 6 ½ wide.”

“What do you have against me doing the shopping?”

“Squall, what have you ever bought? Clothes from the Kink Catalog, maybe some jewelry for Rinoa, that’s got to be it. I bet you’ve barely touched your salary.”

“I have expensive tastes. In fast cars, mostly. Which reminds me, the new Boltas are coming out and the engine has…” I trailed off when I saw Seifer’s face. He scared me, he was as pale as paper.

“No. No evil little sports car. Esthar’s public transportation system is just fine.”

“It’s based on Odine-ian logic! Every third time you end up 6 miles from where you wanted to be with a bow on your knee and someone else’s underwear in your pocket!”

That didn’t even get a smile out of him, and it was my Father’s best joke. “Seifer…?”

He closed his eyes. “Not until I stop having nightmares about pulling you out of a burning car, dead.” He opened his eyes and looked through me. “Or worse.”

Somehow I didn’t think telling him I meant to wreck that time would make him feel better. Instead I snuggled closer. After a moment, he snuggled back, and I had hopes we were done talking and studying for the night.

“So… what happened after 18 months? Love charm wear off?”

I winced. That was a little too close to the truth, actually. “You really want to hear about what my dear friends affectionately refer to as ‘The Rinoa Fiasco’?”

“With an intro like that, how can I resist?”

“You… never had sex with Rinoa, did you?”

“Never wanted to. Zone is more my type.”

“Okay… I thought I was the first, but… Well, Rinoa is very romantic. She likes a big build up, perfect setting, lots of kissing, poetry, the whole frilly thing.”

Seifer sniggered. “You? Reading poetry?”

I ignored him. “I was 17 years old. The word ‘hole’ got me hard.”

“I remember it fondly.”

“Jerk” I smacked him, just for practice. “I tried; I really did, the whole romantic hero bit, but Hyne’s hips, every night? It was like she wanted to role-play a whole romance novel each time. It took forever just to get her steered to the bed, and even then it would be another few hours… then a quick fuck, a chaste smooch, and Rin wants to pet and snuggle and hear ‘I love yous’ but by then I was usually looking at getting maybe 3 hours sleep.”  I rubbed my scar. “It was just too much work.”

“So you drifted apart?”

“My hand was easier, faster, and I got twice as much sleep. Eventually the chaste princess noticed she wasn’t getting any either and decided we needed to ‘work on our relationship’.”

“Up there on the list of  ‘Scary Things That Women Say’.”

“Yeah… right between ‘I’m late’ and ‘I’m here to conduct the audit.’ Rin got together with her support group and they decided we needed a ‘Romantic Getaway’.”

“I thought too much romance was the problem?”

“The committee felt my input would cloud the issue, so I wasn’t consulted. She wanted to go snow skiing near Trabia. I had never been, Rinoa had gone a few times. Selphie really talked it up and I was kind of looking forward to the trip.  I was thinking, ‘A quiet place where I don’t have to get up at 6, maybe I’ll get it more than once a night’.  Rin was thinking more like snuggling in front of the fireplace sipping cocoa in designer après ski attire.”

“Which she packed in her 8 piece matching luggage set, no doubt.”

“No, it was a 3 day trip, so she had 11 pieces. And my carryon, which got left on the train.” I sighed and flopped back on my back. Despite the fact that Seifer was extraordinarily easy to talk to, I was starting to regret volunteering the story.

Seifer reached over and mussed my hair. “You don’t have to tell me. I can get it out of Selphie.”

I looked up at him through my bangs. “Her version’s funnier. Of course, she made up the parts she didn’t know.”

“Better keep talking, then.” Seifer leaned back and waited.

I closed my eyes. “We got in late but that was okay. We could mess around a little and hit the slopes early the next day. But Rin said she was ‘frazzled’ from the trip and I discovered she’d booked separate bedrooms – to ‘perpetuate the mystique’.”

“What in Hyne’s ass does that mean?”

“I dunno, I think it has to do with ripping all your body hair of with hot wax.”

“To go snow skiing?”

“Hey, we were planning to get naked at some point. So we went to bed – alone – and I was up bright and early the next day.” I smacked Seifer again, for the slow grin he gave me. “I underestimated Rinoa and her need for beauty sleep. Then she had to get ready to meet her public or some such crap. I guess back at the garden, I went to work and never figured out that when I met Rinoa for lunch that was her first appearance of the day.”

“Did you ever get to ski?”

“We hit the slopes just after lunch. Rinoa steered us to the Chicabo slopes, and I thought, okay, I’ve never done this before, but she thinks I’m such a lamer I need to ski with the 6 year olds?”

“On the other hand, it would have been pretty funny to see you land on your butt on the Chicabo slope.”

“I knew you’d be supportive. Rinoa talked me to death trying to give instructions, but we made it down the teeny little hill just fine, and it was kind of fun. I could tell a real slope would be real fun. But…”

Seifer guessed, “But Rinoa didn’t want to go?”

“Worse. At the bottom of the Chicabo run we bumped into a group of her friends. I’m surprised the squealing didn’t start an avalanche. They admired clothes, they admired skis, they admired me.”

“Hyne, I admire you, too.” Seifer proved it by kissing me again. I was more than willing to abandon the story, but he slapped me lightly on the ass. “Keep talking.”

“I stood, and waited, and tried to listen, and watched everyone else have a great time skiing. I dropped a few hints…”

“Eye rolling, sighing and that thing you do where you sorta blow up into your bangs, huff.” My best glacial glare phased Seifer not in the least. “And, of course, you were standing with one hand on your hip.”

It is possible for your lover to know you too well.

“I was watching some big clouds roll in. It was starting to get dark, and all I had done all day was one run on the Chicabo Slope. Finally, I just interrupted the quacking and squeaking and told Rin I was gonna go ski. Big mistake.”

Seifer arched an eyebrow but said nothing.

“Rinoa suddenly decided she’d had enough gossip and she wanted to ski, too. I said, ‘Fine’ and headed for the intermediate slopes. Rin had a fit and tried to drag me back to the Chicabo run. She said I’d get killed on the big drop like I was some baby. I tried to explain that I was pretty athletic and I thought I could handle it. Meanwhile everyone and his mother is walking by, laughing their asses off because Squall Leonhart can’t leave the kindergarten area. It was pretty embarrassing.”

Seifer made a muffled noise and I knew he was trying not to laugh.

“I went to the intermediate slope and Rinoa went with me. The light was going and they announced on the lift up that this would be the last run of the day. Rin bitched and moaned the whole way up, and the more she talked the more stubborn I got. I was going to go down that slope if it killed me.”

“Which is exactly what she was afraid of.”

“No, she was afraid she was going to die. Rinoa Heartily can not ski.” I sighed. “Once you’re off the lift, there aren’t a lot of choices, and that’s when Rin finally decided to tell me the truth – she’d never even been on the Chicabo Run before.” I rubbed my scar. “I told her it would be okay, I’d stay with her, we’d take it easy, make down the mountain, no problem. I went about 10 feet and no Rin! I turned around and she was crying.

“I assume you comforted her like a good Knight should?”

“Fuck, no. It was getting dark. Hindsight, I should have gone with my first instinct.”

Sleepe and carry her down?”

He knows me so well.

“I told her a storm was moving in and we were not spending the night on the Hyne cursed mountain so she better start skiing. I got maybe 15 feet and no Rinoa. This time, when I turned around, she threw her ski pole at me, like a spear. Just missed me.”

Seifer sniggered but tried to hide it in a cough.

“So I yelled ‘whathefuck?’ and she threw the other one at me, which I had to dodge. She screamed at me that it was impossible and I was going to get us both killed. I told her she was going to get us killed and to pick up her Hyne damned poles because she sure as fuck couldn’t ski without them.”

I ran my hand through my hair, pushing it out of my eyes. “I started over towards the lift, to see if anyone was around, and a ski flew past my head. Then the other ski, and there was Rinoa, having a hysterical fit with screaming and crying in the twilight after throwing her equipment away and then… it started snowing.”

“Just got better and better, huh?”

“Turns out the fit was a good thing because Ski Patrol heard her. Of course, they heard her calling me filthy names, but that was okay. They came up with a snowmobile and rescued us. Well, they rescued Rinoa, who clung and blubbed and they all gave me weird looks. I heard one of them ask Rin if I was trying to kill her! And she said yes!!” I closed my eyes and shook my head. “I half expected headlines, you know, ‘Former Hero Turns Killer!’”

“Reckless Run Results in Rage! SeeD Slays Sorceress on the Slopes!” Seifer can go all night with word games.

“Hey, I’m spilling my guts here. Pay attention.”

“So what happened?”

“What do you think happened? Everybody gave me dirty looks and Rinoa and I didn’t speak to each other for the rest of the trip. Which lasted an extra day thanks to the blizzard.” I flopped over onto Seifer’s chest. “We sort of made up after we got back to Garden, but it wasn’t like before. One day I came in after a really shitty day at work and my room was transformed into some sort of harem thing. There was this gauzy shit hung all over, and a jillion candles, all kinds of food and flowers, and Rinoa, who looked damn fine in this sort of slave girl kinda thing that pushed her boobs up and showed a lot of leg…”

“You can spare me some details.” Seifer said dryly.

“Rinoa told me that she had been selfish and she wanted to pamper and seduce me for a change.”

“Didn’t she know all she had to do was say ‘Let’s’ and you were seduced?”

“No… She got me undressed and started massaging my hands with this fancy lotion. I’d had a really shitty day, did I mention that?”

Seifer nodded, quiet for once.

“By the time she got up to my shoulders, I was asleep. When I woke up, the flowers, the gauzy stuff, the food even was still there but Rinoa was gone. About a week later she e-mailed me to tell me we were through.” I looked away, at nothing. “I couldn’t make her happy and she left me.”

Seifer grabbed me in a bear hug. “You make me happy, and if it’s any comfort, I hate snow.”

I snuggled. “Just don’t rub my hands.”

“How about if I rub something else?”

Later, I watched Seifer sleep. His golden hair was spread out on the pillow, and a little smile turned up the corners of his perfect mouth. He was hogging nine tenths of the bed, as usual.

I remembered a bit of a poem I used to read Rinoa. I think she thought it was about her, but she was wrong.

I never saw so sweet a face

As that I stood before.

My heart has left its dwelling place

And can return no more.





Poetry from “First Love” by John Clare. The skiing trip is a true story; names have been changed to fit the genre.

Next, onward to Esthar! Selphie has a baby!

Any similarities between this and the Fever Arc are all Acid Rain’s fault.

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